Mr Nice Guy Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 I’m posting this just to get some thoughts about a situation I’m going through. I’m sorry about this being long. So I had been speaking to a woman older than me for 3-4 months who lived on the other side of the country that I had met from an online dating site. She found me. We started messaging on the dating sites chat and then moved to social media where we started calling through Facebook and then video calling. During these months, she was fun, flirty, always wanting to call and chat, always asking if I was free, called me at work and we would generally talk for hours. She loved a lot about me as I did about her, never hesitating to tell me that she loved how I looked, my features, how much she was attracted to me. There was a time when I was away for five days over a weekend when she asked if I had lost interest in her. I hadn’t. During this time, I fell for her. I told her I liked her and she had as well. She has issues with anxiety and they appeared during these months. She had also been dealing with a situation involving a guy for she talked to for two months before me. They talked about meeting, dating and maybe a relationship. She became invested. Then one day he ghosted her. She couldn’t get over it. She tried to “live life” to help, take “me time” but it always led her back to me. After the last time, she came back and she was her fun, happy self and we continued talking as we had except that it felt things had changed in a good way. Our flirting had become more intense and increased. Things came to a head the previous Sunday. We video called but she went offline after a couple of hours. I asked if she was okay because she seemed off but she said she was. She stayed that way over the next few days but said she was fine. She also wasn’t picking up when I called. On Wednesday, I said hey and that I wanted to say I was thinking of her, I hoped I hadn’t upset her because I don’t know what had happened. I asked if we could chat that day and she said it was “a bit hard atm”. I asked if anything had changed between us and she said nothing different happened. I told her that the way we had been talking was different. She went on to say that she really enjoyed our conversations but she detected that I “seem to want more” and “at this point in my life and with what I have recently been through I’m not prepared to commit to moving into a relationship.” She went on to say “I really like you but I am feeling pressure” and “a friendship is all I can do at the moment" because of the ghosting guy. She said she wanted to “just let this settle for now” and “maybe rest for a while (as in, leave things)”. I said to her that I wanted to leave things open and hope that we can come back that is I wanted to wait for her to be ready. We haven’t talked since. Right now, I want to just say hi and see how she’s doing. I’m unsure if I can but also I don’t want to jeopardise things. I hoping she’ll come back. The couple of times she went away for herself, she came back. I don’t know if she will this time. This situation is very new to me, so I had been researching to find out if it was okay to contact someone who isn’t ready and maybe when. There’s a lot about breakups, no contact etc but not really anything that I could find. I want to chat, just two normal people talking. As I said, I have an idea of what people are probably going to say. People have spoken so generally about it to just move on and over it right now. I’m not ready to. I’m sorry about this being long. But any opinions would be helpful.
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Unfortunately it seems like she is in an on/off situation with someone else . She's looking for attention, that's why she reached out long distance. You're "safe" because there is no possibly of meeting in real life. Cut this off and date locally. Meet in a timely manner. 1
Author Mr Nice Guy Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Unfortunately it seems like she is in an on/off situation with someone else . She's looking for attention, that's why she reached out long distance. You're "safe" because there is no possibly of meeting in real life. Cut this off and date locally. Meet in a timely manner. I think I need to be a bit clearer. She's not in an on/off situation with someone else. She lives in a small country town with a small population. She told me that she there's noone there that she wanted to date. The long distance had to do with her increasing her dating chances. Travel is hard where I am because of COVID-19 and hard border closures, so there's no chance of travel for either of us.
schlumpy Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 22 minutes ago, Mr Nice Guy said: I want to chat, just two normal people talking. But it isn't two normal people talking because you are in love with her. Do you know anything for sure about this girl except what she tells you? Have you looked up the address she gave you? Are you active on her FB site as well as the FB site of her friends? Do you read interactions between her and other people on social media? Have you made any effort to confirm anything she has said or have you just accepted it? My friend you need to be more skeptical in life and maybe this beat down will help you get there. There is nothing normal about being in love with a woman that you have never even held hands with. In my humble opinion of course.
Erik30 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) You're wasting your time, so give her the space she's asking for. It's also sometimes just an excuse to get rid of you in a "nice" way, so don't wait for her. Besides, if that guy who ghosted her comes back, you're done... Find a new girl Edited August 24, 2020 by Erik30 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 12 minutes ago, Mr Nice Guy said: The long distance had to do with her increasing her dating chances. there's no chance of travel for either of us. Increasing her dating chances by contacting someone she'll never meet? Reflect on that. Also examine your motives for getting caught up in this. 1
Author Mr Nice Guy Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Increasing her dating chances by contacting someone she'll never meet? Reflect on that. Also examine your motives for getting caught up in this. “Increasing her dating chances by contacting someone she’ll never meet.” Do you know that we would never meet? That’s very presumptuous. As they say, if you don’t try, you’ll never know. I dated someone from another state once. We were together for 2.5 years. Also this woman's town has a population of about 10,000. My city has a population of over 2 million. That's a bigger chance, if you ask me. You quoted “there’s no chance of travel for either of us. I was referring to COVID-19. That’s not never. Reflected. My “motive” was to talk/ meet new people. I don’t think there is a problem with that because no one can know what a person is like until they meet/talk to them. Unless “stranger danger” is an issue, which then, you can kiss any chance of dating goodbye.
Author Mr Nice Guy Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 30 minutes ago, schlumpy said: But it isn't two normal people talking because you are in love with her. Do you know anything for sure about this girl except what she tells you? Have you looked up the address she gave you? Are you active on her FB site as well as the FB site of her friends? Do you read interactions between her and other people on social media? Have you made any effort to confirm anything she has said or have you just accepted it? My friend you need to be more skeptical in life and maybe this beat down will help you get there. There is nothing normal about being in love with a woman that you have never even held hands with. In my humble opinion of course. I never said anything about being "in love". Yes I really like the woman, but it could go either way after meeting. I just wanted to give it a chance. Do I know anything for sure? Yes I do. Have I looked up the address she gave? Yes I have and I also know what the inside of her house looks like because she showed me (without me asking). I have been on her Facebook and Instagram. I have read interactions between her and other people on social media. I have not just accepted what she has told me. I’m am skeptical in life. I do it a lot in my job. Also, what's this "beat down" and why? “There is nothing normal about being in love with a woman that you have never even held hands with.” Granted, this situation is not like everyone else's. But saying "there's nothing normal" is a bit extreme. Also, you should be able to like someone without having held their hand. Liking someone does not depend on whether they've held their hand or not and vice versa.
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 If your city has 2 mil. population, why are you wasting time on this? Seems like you want a chat buddy.
Author Mr Nice Guy Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: If your city has 2 mil. population, why are you wasting time on this? Seems like you want a chat buddy. My “motive” was to talk/ meet new people.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Mr Nice Guy said: She's not in an on/off situation with someone else. She lives in a small country town with a small population. She told me that she there's noone there that she wanted to date. Unless and until you spend time together in person, you have no idea how accurate (or not) those assertions are. Her flighty behaviour is certainly consistent with someone who's got more than one guy on the go, so I wouldn't be so quick to rule that out. You are not there to know what she does when she's not talking to you, where she goes, or who she interacts with. Regardless, it sounds like a waste of your time. She lives too far away, and she needs all this time to get over a guy she only talked to (but never met) for 2 months? Something is off about that. Either she's not being honest about how long/well she actually knew him, or she's an insanely fragile and naive woman with some attachment issues. Believe her when she says she doesn't want to keep talking. Don't reach out again. The ball is in her court but it sounds like this has lost its appeal for her and she wants to fade out. Disappointing, but at least you won't invest any more of your energy into it. Keep your options open for a woman you can actually meet in person much more quickly. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 She's a time waster. She likes the barriers because they keep her safe. She doesn't have to deal with you in real life & you feed her ego on her schedule giving her something to do while he was bored in lockdown. She is still hung up on the other guy. At best you were a rebound. Now she's backing off leaving you hurt & confused. When somebody says "I'm not ready" & "friendship" is all I can handle if you stick around you are an orbiter. You will never turn into the SO. You will be the kid with his nose pressed up against the candy store window longing for something he can never have. So reach out if you like but don't keep all your eggs in this basket. She's probably never going to agree to meet you.
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, Mr Nice Guy said: She went on to say “I really like you but I am feeling pressure” and “a friendship is all I can do at the moment" because of the ghosting guy. She said she wanted to “just let this settle for now” and “maybe rest for a while (as in, leave things)”. I won't pretend to know what's going on with this woman, it's impossible to know. But what I do know is that in 99.9% of cases when someone tells you what this woman has told you^, it's best to not reach out and leave them alone. Just as she asked. By not leaving her be, no matter how innocent and non-threatening your intentions are, you're increasing whatever pressure she already feels and pushing her further away. I know how hard it is detaching after becoming so close, and this is true for on-line interactions as well as in the outside world, but I don't see how you have much choice. She knows how to get in touch with you should she have a change of heart. Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields
Mrin Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 100% agree with Poppy. Gross stereotyping here but women typically have a hard time being fully self expressed in a romantic relationships. When a woman ask for time, she's already had to overcome a lot of internal struggles just to make that ask. So when/if it comes out, she really means it. Honor her request - especially because her request was pressure oriented. There is absolutely no way to figure out what's going on inside her head and heart right now. Even if you could peek in and catch a glimpse, as a dude you would have no chance at comprehending it. Just leave her be. She might contact you. Or she might not. Be okay with both results. And in the meantime, move along. Hope this helps! Mrin 1
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 14 minutes ago, Mrin said: Gross stereotyping here but women typically have a hard time being fully self expressed in a romantic relationships. I don't know any women who are not fully expressed in their relationships. I have read comments from many here on LS but it is not that hard to say back off. I suspect that she found a shiny new pen pal & this is her pattern. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I suspect that she found a shiny new pen pal & this is her pattern. Exactly was I suspect has happened here.
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