Is this cheating or harmless flirting?

[smackie9]

8 minutes ago, rudiger said:

Well if I am being honest with myself. I do have feelings for her. Quite a lot actually. But she is married so I am going to keep my distance, for the sake of her marriage.

This is what this girl knows....she gets a guy really liking her, and enjoys the control she has over him. And so here you are, orbiting around her, with fluttering heart. She thrives on being desired, etc. But hey she's young, attractive, and possibly got married because she was pregnant. So to keep her spirits up, she monkey branches.

[rudiger]

19 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I never said she was innocent. Her comment did have a sexual undertone and given that she's married, that was wrong.

What you should have done, imo, was shut it down, not push the envelope by asking if she meant sexual. 

That was not calling her out, that was pushing a boundary, a boundary that she had already violated with her question.

I asked this before, but what would you have done if she had answered your question and proceeded to tell you how she wanted you to sexually dream about her?

Would you have then shut it down?  Or further engaged her in sext chat?

What was your motivation behind asking her if she meant sexual?

Again, not cheating, but a slippery slope.

I'm sorry that you find my opinion and questions annoying but by starting this thread, you opened that door. 

 

You ask a lot of questions. And I just wanted to know what she meant when she asked me that question. That's all. I wasn't planning on going any further with it. As I know she is married.

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, rudiger said:

Well if I am being honest with myself. I do have feelings for her. Quite a lot actually. 

Then you really need to engage in any sort of private chats with her. 

You are both playing with fire. Put down the matches. Ask yourself why you want this ego-stroke if you're now dating someone else, who just a few days ago had your mind in knots trying to work out whether she was still interested. 

[smackie9]

Hey now you realize she has cast her spell on you and you fell for it. Now you have a clearer view of what's what. Thanks for coming by.

[rudiger]

Just now, smackie9 said:

Hey now you realize she has cast her spell on you and you fell for it. Now you have a clearer view of what's what. Thanks for coming by.

I don't think she is a manipulative person. She's a good person. She buys me lunch. And covers for me in shifts, when I can't make it. But she knows that I like her a lot. I hear it in her words. And her confident demeanour. She just knows, without me even saying it.

 

But I am probably being naive.

[rudiger]

9 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then you really need to engage in any sort of private chats with her. 

You are both playing with fire. Put down the matches. Ask yourself why you want this ego-stroke if you're now dating someone else, who just a few days ago had your mind in knots trying to work out whether she was still interested. 

Because she is very attractive. And having a very attractive girl give you a ego boost is a good feeling. Plus my girl is also attractive. But I don't know. I just get a different feeling when she does it. I don't know. it's hard to explain. But it's not the same feeling.

[kendahke]

2 minutes ago, rudiger said:

I don't think she is a manipulative person.

She buys me lunch.

And covers for me in shifts, when I can't make it. 

But she knows that I like her a lot.

Because you let her buy you lunch and because she'll cover your shifts when you can't make it and because she knows you like her a lot, that is giving her the wide berth she's got to manipulate you with that comment about dreaming about her.  Had you played along, she'd have led you in deeper to the center of her web.

The attention may be flattering, but it's dangerous because the moment you stand firm in not giving her the attention she's asking for, she's going to start drama at your work place and turn all the flirtation against you.  Some of us are old enough to see this type of character coming at 500 paces and we see her.

Yes, she is a manipulative person.  She's grooming you and you can't see that.

Quote

She's a good person.

Good people don't compromise their marriage vows and don't interfere in other people's relationships. No, she's not a good person. She's a cunning and calculating sort of person and the more space you put between her and you, the better your finances will be.

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, rudiger said:

You ask a lot of questions. And I just wanted to know what she meant when she asked me that question. That's all. I wasn't planning on going any further with it. As I know she is married.

Okay fair enough, but I hope at least you realize what a risk you took with your question. 

Instead of shutting it down herself, she might have answered the question and escalated, and given how you just admitted how attracted to her you are, you both were wading in dangerous waters. 

Then what?  That's a rhetorical question.  Just some things to consider moving forward that's all.

All the best.

Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields

[rudiger]

3 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Because you let her buy you lunch and because she'll cover your shifts when you can't make it and because she knows you like her a lot, that is giving her the wide berth she's got to manipulate you with that comment about dreaming about her.  Had you played along, she'd have led you in deeper to the center of her web.

The attention may be flattering, but it's dangerous because the moment you stand firm in not giving her the attention she's asking for, she's going to start drama at your work place and turn all the flirtation against you.  Some of us are old enough to see this type of character coming at 500 paces and we see her.

Yes, she is a manipulative person.  She's grooming you and you can't see that.

Good people don't compromise their marriage vows and don't interfere in other people's relationships. No, she's not a good person. She's a cunning and calculating sort of person and the more space you put between her and you, the better your finances will be.

You're probably right. She is older and wiser than me. And I am probably being naive in thinking her intentions are innocent. This is a dangerous game I am playing. I enjoy the attention, but I agree, it does need to stop.

[rudiger]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Okay fair enough, but I hope at least you realize what a risk you took with your question. 

Instead of shutting it down herself, she might have answered the question and escalated, and given how you just admitted how attracted to her you are, you both were wading in dangerous waters. 

Then what?  That's a rhetorical question.  Just some things to consider that's all.

All the best.

Thank you. And sorry for being so rude. You are a wise person.

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, rudiger said:

Because she is very attractive. And having a very attractive girl give you a ego boost is a good feeling. Plus my girl is also attractive. But I don't know. I just get a different feeling when she does it. I don't know. it's hard to explain. But it's not the same feeling.

I mean, you call her your girl but are you officially in a relationship now? It's only been 4 dates?

I think you're confusing lust and genuine attraction to the person herself. 

 

[rudiger]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I mean, you call her your girl but are you officially in a relationship now? It's only been 4 dates?

I think you're confusing lust and genuine attraction to the person herself. 

 

Yeah. It's probably too soon for me to be calling her my girl.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, rudiger said:

Are you illiterate? 

You posted you asked her if it was sexual.  Truth hurts.  You need to take care of yourself to porn not try to engage married coworkers you're hot for with sexual innuendos.

[poppyfields]

39 minutes ago, rudiger said:

I just get a different feeling when she does it. I don't know. it's hard to explain. But it's not the same feeling.

No I totally get it.  She's off limits, not available, unattainable. 

That combined with the working together element, makes her very intriguing, exciting and dangerous. 

Your feelings are not uncommon.  

I don't know what to tell you because its going to be difficult maintaining distance, even though it's best you should. 

But good luck. 

[rudiger]

1 minute ago, poppyfields said:

No I totally get it.  She's off limits, not available, unattainable. 

That combined with the working together element, makes her very intriguing, exciting and dangerous. 

Your feelings are not uncommon.  

I don't know what to tell you because its going to be difficult maintaining distance, even though it's best you should. 

But good luck. 

Yes, exactly. You hit the nail on the head! She's unattainable. 

[lurker74]

2 hours ago, poppyfields said:

No need to be rude mate, you came here asking a question and insulting those who don't agree with your version. 

Her comment may have had a sexual undertone, but you pushed it by blatantly asking if she meant sexual. 

Fortunately she had the good sense to shut it down.

Not cheating but could lead to.

Note: I am an American so I am dumb ASF, but with that said, I don't really agree, @poppyfields. The best way to nip something in the bud is to nip it in the bud. If someone sexually harasses you, you have three choices. One, pretend it didn't happen, which usually gives license to the person to continue (sad but true). Two, assume it happened and object, which often gets the harasser to state that s/he didn't mean it that way. Or three, ask for clarification, which puts the person on notice. They can admit it was sexual and expose themselves (no pun intended) or deny it but know they've been called on it.

I think option three makes a lot of sense.

But on the other hand, it doesn't read like @rudiger considers it sexual harassment. Rather, I suspect that he - like the woman - kind of like the attention and tension but worry that it could lead somewhere messy, which it inevitably will. So, @rudiger, keep it professional and avoid all of that drama. A married 20 year old with a child is honestly just not worth it. 

But like I said, I am just a dumb asf American.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, rudiger said:

Yeah. It's probably too soon for me to be calling her my girl.

Assuming you two have not even talked about being in a relationship, then no, you are not in a relationship with her. 

Still, you need to not engage in any  flirty nonsense with this married woman. Nothing good will come of it, and I sense you're  a guy who gets attached too easily. Why? It's fairly clear that the girl you call "your" girl is not actually your girlfriend and you are not in a relationship. This suggests you get a bit carried away with matters of the heart, and could easily wind up hurt by a married woman looking for a little entertainment. 

 

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, rudiger said:

I don't think she is a manipulative person. She's a good person. She buys me lunch. And covers for me in shifts, when I can't make it. But she knows that I like her a lot. I hear it in her words. And her confident demeanour. She just knows, without me even saying it.

 

But I am probably being naive.

Yup you are because I worked with someone like you...the girl he was pining for couldn't do no wrong in his eyes...she was an angel to him. Everyone around could see what was going on...did he listen? no, he got burned in the end when she found someone else in the office to flirt and possibly have an affair with.

[mark clemson]

This sounds to me like an attractive young lady who's used to having guys chase her and the ego boost etc that comes with that.

IMO she has grown up a bit fast, now with a husband, a kid, and a job. She probably had that kid way too early, but what do I know. Anyhow, she's used to and enjoys the validation of male orbiters (rarer now due to her life situation) and is not above sprinkling a little of the sexual innuendo magic dust around to get one. And here you are.

No one knows whether it will lead to actual physical cheating, but it could. Maybe not with you, but at some point. I agree with those above saying it's a slippery slope that potentially leads to cheating AND those pointing out that it's particularly problematic in a workplace setting with all the risks that entails.

So, while it's probably difficult, you're probably making the right choice to start keeping her at arm's length and tone down any "flirtation".

[lana-banana]

Cheating? No. Harmless? Also no. You are both incredibly young and she is probably bored, maybe tired of feeling like a wife and a mom and wanting some excitement. If you were just friends, this could be messy; because you're coworkers, it could damage your reputation and upend your brand-new careers. Is a little sexy flirting worth getting in trouble at work or maybe losing your job? 

 

[nibelheim89]

Imagine it's  your girl who is telling another guy to dream about her, how would you feel?

 

I've  always believed in treating others as I would like to be treated and both her and you are crossing boundaries big time.

[Wiseman2]

17 hours ago, poppyfields said:

Agree Wiseman, I posted my response before I had read yours.

It doesn't matter what she does or says. What matters is how you behave and that should be professional at all times.

Steer clear of women  at work. Keep communication about work and general chichat. The word "sexual" should not be coming out of your mouth when you talk to a female co-worker.

The problem here is boundaries, not whether she's into you or not. She's not btw. 

Why did you call her at home rather than ask at work or text or email? She can and will discuss your creepy remark with her husband and other co-workers.

[elaine567]

Stop calling her at home. That is crossing a boundary
a) she is married and b) keep work in the workplace. 

Stop getting her to cover your shifts - get your life more organised.

Stop allowing her to buy you lunch - that is a step too far.

DO NOT ramp up throw away remarks. The dream comment was trivial, but by asking if it was sexual, you took the conversation to a different level...

Many people at work flirt and banter. It usually means absolutely nothing.
I think this girl may be enjoying the attention, but as you are enamoured you think she is highly attracted to you.
She may not be.and if you continue SHE may be the one who puts in a complaint.
Be careful.

[kismetkismet]

A good way to tell whether it's harmful flirting or not is to ask yourself, "how would I feel if my gf was talking to another guy like that." and "How would my gf feel if she overheard these conversations?" 

Maybe it's not cheating, but I think it's safe to say that this is harmful flirting.