rudiger Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 I have a colleague who I work with she is a really nice person and gets along with everyone at the workplace. And one thing she likes to do is flirt with me a lot. Usually about my eyes. And I flirt back because she is very attractive. But the problem is that she is 22 and married with a child. And I am 20 and currently in a relationship. And a few nights ago, I called her in the evening and asked her for a favour if she could swap shifts with me on a particular day as I wouldn't be able to make it to work, and she agreed but on one condition. if I promised that I would dream about her that night? Initially I was a bit taken back by her request, as I didn't really know what she meant by dreaming about her. So I asked her to elaborate if what she meant was sexual? And all I heard was a sly smirk over the phone followed by "well okay, I'll see you tomorrow and don't worry about the shift I'll cover for you" and cut the phone without even saying bye. That evening I literally started to think about whether what we were doing was right? She is married with a child, and at first I thought our flirty ways was just playful, but lately she's gotten a little bit spicy with it. And I have to be honest, I do find her very sexually attractive. But I keep reminding myself that she is married, and I am slightly apprehensive that I might one day develop feelings for her, although what we are doing is just playful. And I don't think that will happen. But is it just harmless flirting considering we haven't actually had sex or inappropriate physical contact, or could this be considered cheating?
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Never ask women at work if they "are being sexual". Just keep it professional even if you find them attractive. If you need to contact anyone off hours for some work related reason, stick to the original topic. Don't try to sexualize it.
schlumpy Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 You may not want to be the other man but you have certainly taken the first step down that road. 4
alphamale Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 it could be cheating or it could not be...depends on who is evaluating the situation 1
snowboy91 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 It was a flirty joke and meant to mean nothing more. When you asked about it she realised you didn't take it as a joke and probably felt embarrassed, which is presumably why she hung up so quickly. When it comes to people in relationships, I always err on the side of caution and assume they're joking.
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 It's not cheating but it's harmful flirting. Harmless flirting is "I like your eyes". What she said was too much. I'd give her a wide berth. 4
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 4 hours ago, rudiger said: I called her in the evening and asked her for a favour if she could swap shifts with me ? I asked her to elaborate if what she meant was sexual? Totally inappropriate for you to ask her that. Calling off hours for a shift change ok. But sexualizing the conversation? You need to watch your step before you get a sexual harassment complaint against you. Next time stick to businesslike conversations and leave women employees alone. 1 1
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Her comment "only if you promise to dream about me" was harmless flirting, YOU asking if she meant sexual was not harmless and pushing a major boundary! She shut it down, but what if she hadn't? What if she went with it, and proceeded to elaborate on how she'd like you to "sexually" dream about her? Before you know, you're both entrenched in a heated sex text exchange. No it's not cheating but it's the sort of thing that leads to cheating.
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Totally inappropriate for you to ask her that. Calling off hours for a shift change ok. But sexualizing the conversation? You need to watch your step before you get a sexual harassment complaint against you. Next time stick to businesslike conversations and leave women employees alone. Agree Wiseman, I posted my response before I had read yours. Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 5 hours ago, rudiger said: I have a colleague who I work with she is a really nice person and gets along with everyone at the workplace. And one thing she likes to do is flirt with me a lot. Usually about my eyes. And I flirt back because she is very attractive. But the problem is that she is 22 and married with a child. And I am 20 and currently in a relationship. Aren't you the guy who just posted a thread about a girl he's been on 3 dates with? And now you're in a relationship? Anyway, she's being inappropriate, yes. Do not engage in flirting like this.
Author rudiger Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 Just now, ExpatInItaly said: Aren't you the guy who just posted a thread about a girl he's been on 3 dates with? And now you're in a relationship? Anyway, she's being inappropriate, yes. Do not engage in flirting like this. Well technically I am in a relationship with her. And it's 4 dates.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Just now, rudiger said: Well technically I am in a relationship with her. And it's 4 dates. Does she know that?
kendahke Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 5 hours ago, rudiger said: o I asked her to elaborate if what she meant was sexual? And all I heard was a sly smirk over the phone followed by "well okay, I'll see you tomorrow and don't worry about the shift I'll cover for you" and cut the phone without even saying bye. Technically, what she is doing is called sexual harassment. And it's very good that you called her out on it because she needed to get called out on it. Her behavior is inappropriate. Start keeping a log on her flirting--seriously. And do most of your communication through texts and emails so there's a paper trail. If her marriage is that abysmal, she needs to address that without involving you to alleviate her boredom. 1
introverted1 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 My take is that she opened the door with the comment "as long as you dream about me" and then you stepped through with your response asking if she meant something sexual. You are both playing with fire and if you're not on the path to cheating, you are at least exhibiting a lack of boundaries. And to be clear, in this case I am using the plural "you." 2
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, rudiger said: Asking someone if they are going to dream about you. Is clearly a sexual innuendo. Americans are dumb asf. No need to be rude mate, you came here asking a question and insulting those who don't agree with your version. Her comment may have had a sexual undertone, but you pushed it by blatantly asking if she meant sexual. Fortunately she had the good sense to shut it down. Not cheating but could lead to. Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields 2
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 13 minutes ago, rudiger said: Asking someone if they are going to dream about you. Is clearly a sexual innuendo. Americans are dumb asf. For you to ask if it was sexual was ridiculous since to you it was so clear. If you felt sexually harassed or you felt her comment was inappropriate it would have been fine to say that but for you to ask if she meant is sexually was equally tone deaf. Then to go on an insult an entire country makes you particularly rude. Just stop interacting with this woman & never again call her at home for any reason. Problem solved. 2
Art.at.Heart Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 You should tell the girl you're in a relationship with about your interactions with her (including the "dream about me" comment) and see how she feels. 1
smackie9 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) Well if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. If your lady was doing this with a male coworker, what would you call it then? And how would you feel about it? Not good right? So quit it, she's not being a "good friend", and you are enjoying the ego boosting attention. It's reached a point where all kinds of trouble can happen. If I were you I would go a little distant, and be more professional. If she gets more sexual, then you will have to excuse yourself and put her on ignore. It can get real ugly and her accusing you of sexual harassment. It's a dangerous road you are on, but it is not to soon to turn around. Edited August 24, 2020 by smackie9 2
JRabbit Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 The fact you are here on a message board asking about this tells me you have already caught feelings. If you didn't care you wouldn't be here... What do you really want to know? If she wants to jump your bones? Honestly she probably likes the attention and thats about it. Be very careful because the wrong said can land either of you in trouble for sexual harassment. Very inappropriate work behavior. 1
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 25 minutes ago, rudiger said: I am annoyed that you are attempting to paint me as the perpetrator here. As if she is innocent in all this. I never pushed any boundaries. I never said she was innocent. Her comment did have a sexual undertone and given that she's married, that was wrong. What you should have done, imo, was shut it down, not push the envelope by asking if she meant sexual. That was not calling her out, that was pushing a boundary, a boundary that she had already violated with her question. I asked this before, but what would you have done if she had answered your question and proceeded to tell you how she wanted you to sexually dream about her? Would you have then shut it down? Or further engaged her in sext chat? What was your motivation behind asking her if she meant sexual? Again, not cheating, but a slippery slope. I'm sorry that you find my opinion and questions annoying but by starting this thread, you opened that door. Edited August 24, 2020 by poppyfields
Author rudiger Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Well if it doesn't feel right, then it's not. If your lady was doing this with a male coworker, what would you call it then? And how would you feel about it? Not good right? So quit it, she's not being a "good friend", and you are enjoying the ego boosting attention. It's reached a point where all kinds of trouble can happen. If I were you I would go a little distant, and be more professional. If she gets more sexual, then you will have to excuse yourself and put her on ignore. It's can get real ugly and her accusing you of sexual harassment. It's a dangerous road you are on, but there is not to soon to turn around. Yes, you're completely right. I realise that I do actually enjoy the ego boost she gives me. It brightens my day. Which I know, is sad. But you are a sage person! 1
Author rudiger Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 13 minutes ago, JRabbit said: The fact you are here on a message board asking about this tells me you have already caught feelings. If you didn't care you wouldn't be here... What do you really want to know? If she wants to jump your bones? Honestly she probably likes the attention and thats about it. Be very careful because the wrong said can land either of you in trouble for sexual harassment. Very inappropriate work behavior. Well if I am being honest with myself. I do have feelings for her. Quite a lot actually. But she is married so I am going to keep my distance, for the sake of her marriage.
JRabbit Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 1 minute ago, rudiger said: Well if I am being honest with myself. I do have feelings for her. Quite a lot actually. But she is married so I am going to keep my distance, for the sake of her marriage. Probably best for her and her family, and you and your GF. Maybe ask if you can be on shifts when she isn't working if possible. The emotional cheating seems to have already begun. 1
Author rudiger Posted August 24, 2020 Author Posted August 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, JRabbit said: Probably best for her and her family, and you and your GF. Maybe ask if you can be on shifts when she isn't working if possible. The emotional cheating seems to have already begun. Well I didn't intend on developing feelings for her. She bewitched me. But I'll try my very best to keep my distance.
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