Blondegirl89 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 I recently met this guy! We’ve been chatting for a while and we recently went for dinner. It was amazing, we chatted and laughed for hours, right up until closing time. They had to ask us to leave. We went back to my place and spent another 3 hours talking and laughing etc. He really opened up to me, the topic of family came up and he asked about mine and I asked about his. He told me he lost his mother a few months ago. I felt so bad for him because I could see he was still hurting. anyway we continued the night and he slept over, We cuddled in bed the next morning and then eventually got up and had breakfast before climbing on the sofa and talking and cuddling more. I’d say we probably talked for a full 10 or so hours in total. Now he’s acting a little different, a little more distant. I said to my friends maybe he just wanted to sleep with me but they said usually if a guy wants just sex that they don’t hang around for breakfast and cuddles the morning after. He said he wanted to see me again. I’m torn on what to do. I feel like he’s still dealing with the loss of his mother and that I should be there for him and show him that it’s ok to do so. I would like him to know I’m here for him. I’m also worried maybe I should give him space. We had an amazing time together and I do believe he did as well as I have never laughed so much in my life and I’m sure it was the same for him but I don’t want to be asking to go on dates or anything, because of the loss. I really do like him and I never click with someone like I have with him and really don’t want to ruin it. I want to show him I don’t mind if he’s sad at times and that I’ve 2 shoulders for him to cry on if he needs it and that we can go slow if he needs it. Should I give him space? I texted him asking if he wanted to do something during the week and he said will you be in the city? Which I found odd asking that as when you’re dating someone you tend to go to into the city to meet but again I don’t know. any thoughts on this? Does it sound like a guy who just wanted sex? A guy who’s grieving and doesn’t know what he wants or just a guy being a player?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 I don't know, but I highly doubt his actions have anything to do with the loss of his mother. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 I don’t think hearing about his mom matters in this. you had an open talk and maybe it took him aback about this could be something more than he wants right now 1
FudgeSwirl Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 It could be the strong connection with you he feels so quickly, the fact that he only wanted sex, opening up about his mom to someone he doesn't know well, or worrying he overstepped his bounds for a first date, etc., but it's too soon to tell anything because this was the first date that you had together and also it ended up being more than a usual first date. Since it is the start of the relationship you just have to see how things play out. He did respond to your text; if he was done with you he wouldn't bother and even though you said it's common to go out on a date in the city where you're from you didn't give a specific day so he's probably feeling out your schedule so you can respond with something like, "Yes, I'll actually be there Wednesday" or "I'm free to go to the city Friday or Saturday." It's too soon to really analyze anything so see how this second date goes. 1
Ami1uwant Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 I lost my mom over 10 yrs ago rather suddenly. It happened right around Mother’s Day. I don’t like Mother’s Day. i list my father on April due to Covid in a nursing home. talking about a loss of a parent isn’t going to threaten a relationship because you heard about it. If you started digging into it further beyond of why it happened coukd be something they don’t want to get into in an early relationship exposing their emotions. 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Posted August 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I don’t think hearing about his mom matters in this. you had an open talk and maybe it took him aback about this could be something more than he wants right now That’s what I think. I’m afraid maybe he’s not in the right head space or maybe he isn’t interested in anything more than sex. It’s just something I can’t understand as when we are together we get on amazingly. and I’m sure he’s enjoying himself as well, he has a smile on his face every time he looks at me. I just don’t know what to do.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 2 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: I just don’t know what to do. Just try to set up another date. If it gets scheduled, he's interested. If not....he probably isn't. 2
Ami1uwant Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 1 minute ago, Blondegirl89 said: That’s what I think. I’m afraid maybe he’s not in the right head space or maybe he isn’t interested in anything more than sex. It’s just something I can’t understand as when we are together we get on amazingly. and I’m sure he’s enjoying himself as well, he has a smile on his face every time he looks at me. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know enough about him to say...did he just end a relationship before you? What else is going on his life? i don’t think his mom dying is a factor here. i don’t know how much you e dated or knew each other before you dated 1
Author Blondegirl89 Posted August 23, 2020 Author Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I don’t know enough about him to say...did he just end a relationship before you? What else is going on his life? i don’t think his mom dying is a factor here. i don’t know how much you e dated or knew each other before you dated I don’t think he ended a relationship recently. I don’t know if this is something worth mentioning, but he did say to me he thought I wasn’t interested in him before we met. I was super busy with work so I rarely got a chance to reply or if I did it would be a few hours later. He said that because I wasn’t really responding normally he figured I wasn’t interested in him. that’s why now I make time to text him. Do you think his lack or reply or responses is his way of getting back at me for mine at the start? I did apologise to him for it, I just explained work was crazy and that I hadn’t spoken to anyone really. Edited August 23, 2020 by Blondegirl89
poppyfields Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 40 minutes ago, Blondegirl89 said: I don’t think he ended a relationship recently. I don’t know if this is something worth mentioning, but he did say to me he thought I wasn’t interested in him before we met. I was super busy with work so I rarely got a chance to reply or if I did it would be a few hours later. He said that because I wasn’t really responding normally he figured I wasn’t interested in him. that’s why now I make time to text him. Do you think his lack or reply or responses is his way of getting back at me for mine at the start? I did apologise to him for it, I just explained work was crazy and that I hadn’t spoken to anyone really. Sweetie, try to relax. Guy just got super close to you, emotionally and physically, give him time to let this all marinate in his brain a bit. Do not reach out. Do not push things. Let him move closer to you at his own pace. Assuming he does decide he wants to move closer. You took a risk by becoming physical early on, so you will just have to live with a bit of uncertainty for awhile. I highly doubt this has anything to do with the death of his parent. He just got super close, maybe too fast, so give him time. BTW, this isn't uncommon. A couple of my long term boyfriends used to "pull back" after we got super close and they always returned after I left them alone. 1
HopefullyLove Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 I would just give him his space. He knows how to reach you.
d0nnivain Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Why do you have to do anything? He may have been unsure of you before you met because he was measuring how long between texts (which is a dumb thing to do because not everybody has their phone in their hand 24/7 especially at work) but you spent the night with him. That indicates attraction on your part. You couldn't have been clearer. Since he knows how to contact you sit back & see if he does. If it's been more then 72 hours you can send one text along the lines of "Hey I had fun. You mentioned going out again. Let's set a date" If he doesn't respond to that you know he was a pump & dump guy. That has nothing to do with his mother's death. While it's sweet of you to be sympathetic to his loss you are too new in his life to be of great comfort.
kendahke Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) How long ago did his mother die?--how many months ago? What did she die of? Edited August 24, 2020 by kendahke
Watercolors Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 His mother's death doesn't have anything to do with whether or not he wants to continue to date you. However, the death of a parent is a major loss and affects everyone differently. I don't know what type of communicator you are with him -- if you're direct or indirect -- but it would be better for you to be honest with him right now about the doubts you have based on his lack of sudden interest. He'll either fess up and tell you he's lost interest, or he'll tell you he's interested. The only way you'll know is by asking him directly. Otherwise, playing guessing games, pussyfooting around will get you nowhere.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 I don't think you need to offer support for his mom's passing. You aren't a close person so it would be a bit much coming out of the blue with that. I know you're heart is in the right place but it's a little early to presume you should offer a shoulder to cry on. I also don't think his current behaviour is necessarily even related to that. You say he's been a little distant - meaning? He's texting or calling less, or is shorter in his replies, or? I would just chill for now. You don't know what else he might have going on. I am not sure why his question about whether you will be in the city struck you as odd. Do you not live where he lives? 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Posted August 24, 2020 Just act the same. Naturally. Take your cues from him and be flexible. For example don't try to fix it, think for him, etc. Be there as you normally would but if he need to cancel or doesn't reply as much, try to go with the flow. Keep in mind he had friends and family he knows a lot longer who he will rely on. Just be yourself. 1
CLS63AMG Posted August 25, 2020 Posted August 25, 2020 On 8/23/2020 at 6:59 PM, Ami1uwant said: I lost my mom over 10 yrs ago rather suddenly. It happened right around Mother’s Day. I don’t like Mother’s Day. i list my father on April due to Covid in a nursing home. talking about a loss of a parent isn’t going to threaten a relationship because you heard about it. If you started digging into it further beyond of why it happened coukd be something they don’t want to get into in an early relationship exposing their emotions. Lost my mom back in the spring (not sudden, was suffering for a year) and I had an active dating profile and was chatting with a few girls, I backed out of them all and took some time. I was fine with dating a month or so later though.
Wiseman2 Posted August 30, 2020 Posted August 30, 2020 On 8/23/2020 at 6:45 PM, Blondegirl89 said: He really opened up to me, the topic of family came up and he asked about mine and I asked about his. He told me he lost his mother a few months ago. I felt so bad for him because I could see he was still hurting. After a loss like that, he's not ready to get too attached too soon. Let him grieve his own way with his friends and family.
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