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He let his ex (sons mother) move in while we were together. THIS IS LONG. SORRY!

MissDLT

By MissDLT
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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He's basically told you that whatever you and he used to have is now over and that his ex now has priority over your feelings.  There is something about the way she is that he has no problem hooking himself back into, even outside the child.

It is what is is, just like he is who he is--and nothing about you is going to change that.

Time to move on and stop ruminating about it--as best you can.  He's made his choice.

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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16 hours ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said:

If you don't have kids and don't want them what's  wrong with latching on to a guy that has some.

If you're someone who can't understand why children come before girlfriends/boyfriends, then you're not going to be a good match for someone who has kids... and a lot of times, that child's mother is part of that priority package on some levels--and those levels include where/how the parent spends their time and manages their parental duties.

Edited by kendahke
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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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4 hours ago, MissDLT said:

His son has lived with him at least 95% of the time bc she is unable to care for their son and he doesn't trust theirs sons safety with her.

Has he got primary custody of the child and she only visitation rights? What is the legal framework surrounding the child's custodianship?

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smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I say it's just bad timing. His situation is not forever tho so of course you can work on a solution. For now it is best to just take a step back, and have a pause. Once your emotions settle down, you will be able to proceed with a more clearer positive manner that will benefit the both of you.

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stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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Sorry OP but this doesn't sound good for you.  He told you that he can't give you what you need, he is now referring to them as "we" like they are family (which in a way they are), she still wants him and is living under his roof.  She is the weak damsel in distress and he is the big body builder strong man who can save the day.  They are both playing their roles to the hilt and it's only a matter of time before she sneaks into his bedroom on a lonely night.  He could have taken care of his child, let you move in and tell her to go live with her parents.  Instead now they are in a family way.  If he really wanted you he wouldn't have told you he can't give you what you need but would ask you to hang in there with him because you are the one he wants and this is just a temporary set up. Just let them be at this point and move on.

Edited by stillafool
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MissDLT Member

MissDLT

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There really is no legal framework with their son.  He does not pay child support to her and he takes on all the financial responsibility.  If his son needs to the see the dr, he takes him.  If his son needs something, its all on him.  Same story with her daughter that her parents take care of.  Her dad has just recently offered to pay for half of his sons schooling since his ex cant contribute since he wants him in private school now that he is 5.

Edited by MissDLT
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MissDLT Member

MissDLT

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What does OP stand for?

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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OP stands for original poster.  In this thread any time you see OP the poster is referring back to you.  

It's a fairly common acronym on the internet.   There is also an FAQ section of any board where you can learn more about the dynamics of the particular board including common abbreviations.  

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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16 minutes ago, MissDLT said:

There really is no legal framework with their son.

This is why your relationship with him was never going to be on firm footing. There is nothing spelled out in legal documents defining each of their roles as far as the state is concerned.

She may have told him that if he didn't let her move in, she was going to take him to court for custody and support and being how the courts skew towards the mother, even when the father is being upright, it could still have gone against him--all in the best interests of the child.

Her poor parents are raising their grandchildren. They can't even enjoy their senior years like they should. She needs to get her tubes tied since she's irresponsible.

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MissDLT Member

MissDLT

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He was afraid that she would move far away and take their son with her even though he is the primary care taker.  He lives in worry, fear and anxiety.  He always is if he doesn't get the right treatment. Im just trying to shut these feeling off and stop caring so much.  I carry the curse of feeling too deeply. Ugh!!!

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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He needs to get a lawyer because he has rights too, especially with her track record, the courts will see him as the stable parent. He needs to stop being afraid because there are laws,....she can't just leave. That would be kidnapping.

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Calmandfocused Established Member

Calmandfocused

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Hang on, have I got this straight? 
 

So his son was basically already living with your man and very rarely stayed with his mother? 
 

In which case your ex/ whatever he is didn’t bring her into his home for the sake of his son. He did it to help her out! 
 

My question is why? Why does he feel responsible for his ex? She hasn’t got primary parental responsibility for his son, he has. 
 

My point is he chose to help her. He allowed this to happen knowing the havoc it would cause. Clearly he doesn’t want her  to leave, if he did she’d be gone already. 
 

Personally  I think he likes enabling her and her drama. He’s getting something from it. It probably inflates his ego knowing 2 women are in competition for him. Big Red Flag.
 

You have no way of knowing for definite that he is not giving his ex false hope and that he isn’t enjoying the attention. 

Op what are you doing? This is all wrong. Find yourself someone who can give you a proper relationship without this drama. 
 

You can cut the chord if you wanted to. Value yourself more and do it. 

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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1 hour ago, MissDLT said:

He was afraid that she would move far away and take their son with her even though he is the primary care taker.  He lives in worry, fear and anxiety.

it's too bad  he can't see that getting the state to weigh in on the custody of the child would have been in his best interests on all fronts.

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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20 hours ago, MissDLT said:

He has a big heart and felt that he needed to do this for her. I guess in the beginning of their relationship before he started his business, she helped him out in a few ways but as he says he has paid her back 100 times over. She has no friends and has told me several times that she is not that bright, naive, cant take care of herself, cant communicate, form her own opinions...

1 hour ago, MissDLT said:

He was afraid that she would move far away and take their son with her even though he is the primary care taker.  He lives in worry, fear and anxiety.  He always is if he doesn't get the right treatment. Im just trying to shut these feeling off and stop caring so much.  I carry the curse of feeling too deeply. Ugh!!!

Do you see the disconnect here?

He tells you that she can't take care of herself and doesn't have an opinion of her own, yet apparently if he doesn't take her into his house she's going to "move far away"? These two statements simply don't add up.

The other thing I notice here is that your boyfriend is making excuses for his ex-wife's behaviour, and you're making excuses for your boyfriend's behaviour. Don't get pulled into thinking that the situation is as it is because he's anxious/worried/has untreated ADHD. The situation is like this because he has chosen for it to be this way. It's that simple. Ultimately the reasons for his choice aren't even that relevant - the one relevant question is whether you are content to live like this.

 

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Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

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19 minutes ago, balletomane said:

The other thing I notice here is that your boyfriend is making excuses for his ex-wife's behaviour, and you're making excuses for your boyfriend's behaviour. Don't get pulled into thinking that the situation is as it is because he's anxious/worried/has untreated ADHD. The situation is like this because he has chosen for it to be this way. It's that simple. Ultimately the reasons for his choice aren't even that relevant - the one relevant question is whether you are content to live like this.

 

This.

OP, your ex-boyfriend has very flimsy boundaries. And he gets something out of living amidst the chaos/drama. This is who he is. If you were to choose to make a life with him, you would be choosing to live like this for the rest of your life. To echo a couple of posts, is that really what you want?

What you can do: Allow this relationship to end. Cut him completely out of your life. Allow yourself to mourn. You don't have to date new guys while you're doing that. Just give yourself time and distance away from him. And while you're at it, it wouldn't hurt to get some counselling/support for yourself to help get you through the heartbreak.

Edited by Acacia98
Correcting a typo
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Crazelnut Established Member

Crazelnut

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How can there be NO "legal framework??" Even if they didn't create any legal agreements, I guarentee that the state you live in has a legal framework for kids with unmarried parents. The law has something to say about it

To be brutally honest, you shouldn't even want to stay with a man who was irresponsible and got his useless GF pregnant, who has never bothered to get a custody agreement for his kid for YEARS, and who has horrible boundaries and judgement. 

Get out and then go figure out why you think you want a man like this. Honey, he is no prize. You don't need to be dragged down by all that drama. 

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ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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This woman sounds like a loser based on all you've written, there's no doubt about that.  You can say she's manipulative all you want, but it was his stupid mistake to get her pregnant.  No one forced him to get her pregnant.  He should have been responsible and insisted on birth control to protect himself.  Now he's gotten himself in this mess, and it's his problem, not yours.  He is not even with you and he says that he can't give you want you want.  The bottom line is that he's too busy and caught up in this messy drama to have a relationship with you.  You're going to have to accept that.

stillafool Established Member

stillafool

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So what exactly is her contribution to living with your ex since she is so broke?  Let me guess, she shops and does the cooking, laundry, cleans the house and takes care of their son.  It sounds like they have set up house.

Edited by stillafool
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

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I think he's going to wind up being the lifelong "caretaker" to his ex.

 

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balletomane Established Member

balletomane

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I have one more thing to add, related to what I wrote above.

You can tell an awful lot about what someone is like from whom they're attracted to. OP, you've said that the ex-gf isn't good-looking, and she's apparently naive, manipulative, incapable of forming her own opinion or communicating well, highly anxious, the list goes on.

Assuming all that is true...what does it say about this man? Why would he be drawn to someone like that? You seem to be trying to paint him in a flattering light by saying it's because he has a "big heart" and he feels sorry for her. I can think of people I feel sorry for and would like to help, but that doesn't mean I'm going to get in a relationship and have babies with them. Generosity isn't a logical explanation for his actions there. As other posters have said, it's more likely that something about the drama and chaos appeals to him.

You also need to ask yourself what it is about him that appeals to you. Alarm bells rang for me when you described his childhood difficulties and said that he's the most "complex yet beautiful man I've ever met". "Complex" is a romantic rose-tinted way of saying "has lots of problems". I'm getting the sense that you're caught up in a fantasy where you can help him to overcome those problems and offer him a wonderful new life, and it's this fantasy that's keeping you there. It's very common. I've been there myself. Just as he is attracted to his ex's chaos, it's possible that you're attracted to his.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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How long were you dating before she moved in. Don't you think it's cowardly that in the same breath he berates her, he has her move back in and starts living as a family again?

Unfortunately that same cowardess is starting to sound more and more like " the wife doesn't understand me" story.

He also didn't have the courage to just break up rather than simply start living as a family unit with her and pretend he's doing it out of welfare.

Take him off the pedestal and walk away from thier madness.

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MissDLT Member

MissDLT

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A lot of what you are all saying has just come into focus for me.  The chaos is where Ive had to take a step back and tell him that I cant be involved with him unless he gets professional help and take responsibility for his mental and emotional health.  I am in this stage of disengaging from him and needing space from him so I can see clearly.  Right now, I do not want to see or talk to him for these reasons.  It doesn't mean I dont care or have feelings for him.

I know from my own personal experience with my mental and emotional health, how drastically my life has changed on the other side of treatment.  Its been a complete 180 for me.  I see a lot of myself in him and I know he wants to change. I just dont get why it is he is so scared of seeing a psychiatrist to address these issues. He says he is not, but I know he is. He even said he was excited and if he had to take medication then so be it. It is as if he thinks he can control these issues himself when they are far beyond himself. I forget in what I have written, if I have said that he asked me to help him find a doctor. I called my psychiatrist, whom I have an amazing relationship with and I have spoke with, in detail, about him, and even though she was not taking new patients, said she would take him the next day.  He never made the appointment. 6 weeks later, he said he was ready so I contacted her again.  He called and found out that they dont take his insurance.  After speaking to him, he decided he was going to pay out of pocket to see my doctor. Again, never made the appointment and has used insurance as his excuse.  No matter the level of involvement I have with him, I am contemplating asking him to come with me to my next appointment so he can observe and meet my doctor.  I choose to see my doctor monthly, even though I do not need to.  I feel better in doing so.

He sees a therapis,t but I question the authenticity of,  the nature of this therapy and if this therapist is capable of digging deep enough with him to truly get to the root of these deeply embedded issues. Or....if he is just not allowing himself to be vulnerable enough to allow the therapist to get that deep. He has been with this therapist for many years.

Ive said to him that even if we dont work out, if the sole purpose of me entering your life is to show you that life doesn't have to be so chaotic, stressful and anxiety ridden, then I have done what I have vowed, to myself, I would do and that is pay it forward. I want to help others see and experience how life changing it is when you truly take responsibility for your mental and emotional health like what was done for me.  Its now to the point where it has gotten so painful for me to watch him self sabotage the way he does because of this.  But this just may be a case of you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.  

He admits to not being in a good place with himself when he met her and that he settled.  He feels bad for her and since she is troubled like he is and is the mother of his son, feels responsible for her.  Like its his punishment. Ive always told him that I expect and want him to help her, just as I would, but I do not support him enabling her and that is exactly what he is doing. 

My true struggle here is not that I expect or want him to necessarily be in a relationship with me at this moment.  I have told him he needs to get his s*** together in order for me to give it another shot, but that means addressing his issues with he correct level of treatment. His reason for not being able to give me what it is he wants to or what it is I deserve is because he says that he has to sort out a lot within himself and be able to give to himself before he can give to me or anyone else.  I completely understand that and dont fault him for it. I was there myself at one point. I didnt feel it was fair for me to bring my issues upon someone else or to bring them into a relationship when I wasnt in a healthy relationship with myself.  Im going to be honest right now, I am really disappointed in myself because I just realized what I said in my last sentence. God, I am so blinded by my emotions!!!  I see that when something emotional hits him that he falls apart and so does everything else around him.  I was the same exact way.  I couldnt control my emotions and everything else would spiral out of control.  There is so much guilt in all of this and what it does to everything and everyone around you.  Its unbearable.  I just wish he would truly take what I have said and done for him seriously and realize this is bigger than him.

I have not posted all the great and amazing things about this man. Im not defending him, I just want to be fair. I always want to give credit where credit is due. I merely have focused and spoke about the negative and the situation surrounding this 42 year old child of an ex of his. I recognize what would change through treatment, the connection I have with him and really just how good of a man he is despite his troubles.  He has the best heart and that is what made me fall for him the way I have, but its also what I hate about him.  Its why he allowed her to move in.  He lived with his daughters mother for year while they were not together and said it worked out and I know that played into his decision as well.  I truly try and not be selfish about my thoughts and feelings, put myself in the other persons shoes and do my best to understand their struggles, traumas, feelings and points of view.  His appeal to me is because he is very honest, hard working, perseverant, resilient, generous, forgiving, he never gives up, he puts me in my place when I need it and so much more.

For as unhealthy as some of his boundaries are, he is very firm with, honest, and respectful when it comes to keeping things as friends and not crossing that line. I absolutely have no doubt and completely trust he maintains those same boundaries with his ex. The hard part in that is because of our past, there is that level of comfort and intimacy, emotionally and mentally, that "just friends" does not have. Its why seeing him and talking to him messes with me so much and I am aware of how all of this can be the same for him and his ex too.  Im not naive with that. I just want to stop caring and feeling the way I do.  I just hurt and I want it to stop.  Its just a matter of where I draw the line with him and myself.  Thats the clarity I need to come to.  I have fought for him so unbelievably hard.  

Edited by MissDLT
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MissDLT Member

MissDLT

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5 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think he's going to wind up being the lifelong "caretaker" to his ex.

 

Yup, thats exactly how I am feeling about this too.

Edited by MissDLT
Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Don't keep try to fix him or be his mother, doctor, therapist, etc. He loves her at some level and that's why she moved in and he's taking care of her. Dragging him to your psychiatrist will not make him make her move out. They are a family unit . In fact he may enjoy being with her because she mothers their child, not him.

Edited by Wiseman2
kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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29 minutes ago, MissDLT said:

I've said to him that even if we dont work out, if the sole purpose of me entering your life is to show you that life doesn't have to be so chaotic, stressful and anxiety ridden, then I have done what I have vowed, to myself, I would do and that is pay it forward.

This is not your heavy lift.

This is you centering yourself in his mess and keeping tied to him while he plummets to the bottom of the ocean.  The only person who will be hurt by this will be you.

You can't make him see anything he doesn't want to see or recognize. He is grown--he has to figure this out on his own.

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he says that he has to sort out a lot within himself and be able to give to himself before he can give to me or anyone else.

Notice how this didn't stop him from letting his child's mother move into his home with him--someone he claims he wouldn't trust with the child on her own. 

He talks out of both sides of his mouth.

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as unhealthy as some of his boundaries are, he is very firm with, honest, and respectful when it comes to keeping things as friends and not crossing that line.

Of course he's going to say that to you... he's trying to keep that hook in your cheek so you can squander even more of your youth behind him when he's showing you today, August 25, 2020, that he can't even keep his word about seeing a therapist/psychiatrist. You don't live there and what you can't see, you can't know--and what you don't know won't hurt you. As manipulative as she is and as gullible to her manipulation as he is, they're going to be in the same bed by  Labor Day... and she's going to fall pregnant again.

Edited by kendahke
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