He let his ex (sons mother) move in while we were together. THIS IS LONG. SORRY!

[MissDLT]

I have been involved with this man (43) since beginning of Dec "19. He has 2 kids with 2 different moms. His last ex (42) whom he was with for 4 years that he has a 5 year old son with, cannot take care of herself.  The reason they are not together is because he felt more like her caretaker than her partner.  She has a 15 year old daughter, whose lives with her parents and a 5 year old son with my "now whatever we are".  Her 15 year old lives with her parents who take care of her.  She also used to live with her parents before she moved out and got an apartment for 4 months in which she was evicted from.  She had nowhere to go bc her brother and his family had to move in with her parents while she had her own place so she asked him if she could move into his basement, knowing that he was involved with me.  

He has a big heart and felt that he needed to do this for her. I guess in the beginning of their relationship before he started his business, she helped him out in a few ways but as he says he has paid her back 100 times over. She has no friends and has told me several times that she is not that bright, naive, cant take care of herself, cant communicate, form her own opinions, and he doesn't trust her with the well-being of their son yet he coddles her. He has always blamed her parents for how she is bc they have enabled her when that is exactly what he is doing. She admitted to intentionally getting pregnant in the very beginning of their relationship because she said that she never thought she could get a guy as good looking as him.  Their relationship started out on a lot of lies and they were basically in therapy together from the very start.  She has really bad anxiety in which she is supposedly getting treatment for.  

He comes from a very sad upbringing and has been through things that no one should ever have to go through.  He has zero family as he was emancipated at a young age.  You name it, he went through it.  He is a very emotional guy and has a lot of very deep rooted issues.  All of this though has shaped into one the most complex yet beautiful man I have ever met.  When she asked to move in, there was a huge shift in his behavior.  Its like he fell apart and everything around him just about did too.  I can bet he feels bad for her and feels like he has to take care of her bc she is his sons mom and then the guilt of what her moving in was doing to me was too much for him to handle. Everything with the business went to hell and things with us got super hard.  He was constantly stressed out and his temper flared over the smallest of things. I didnt want to just turn my back on him and leave him when he was having a hard time and then he started saying that he cant give me what he wants to right now and that I deserve so much more.  Ive had a really hard time with his ex moving in.  He said he was giving her 60 days....well, those 60 came and went and she isn't gone.  He said that with all he has going on that it was the last thing on his mind. When those 60 days came and went is when I decided I had to distance myself bc that is when we started really fighting.  

His ex is not an attractive girl at all and he is very good looking.  I am not threatened by her in any way as I am the exact opposite of her. I know for a fact that there has nothing been going on between them and I have always trusted him in that regard.  I have met her once and he has never hid anything from me.  I should probably throw in here that I have not yet met the kids.  He has stated that if she hadn't gotten pregnant that they would not have lasted that long.  She has asked him several times if he ever saw them getting back together.  Im still crazy about him and I cant seem to fully walk away. He texts me a lot and I see him at the gym all the time as that is where we started and all of what we have seemed to be for the longest time given the nature of all the stress he is under.  

He is untreated ADHD and knows it and is for some reason scared to seek treatment for it and I know that is responsible for the the internal issues he is dealing within himself right now and why he has a really hard time controlling his emotions.  I was diagnosed ADHD late in life and had a lot of the same issues as he does but I have been treated and my life has drastically changed.

 He wants to be married and tells me he thinks about he and I all the time.  We have a very strong emotional connection and even though we are not together right now, anyone who sees us together, thinks we are.  Im 40 and there is still so much that I want in my life and he says that he has to work through these issues with himself before he can truly give me or anyone what they deserve.

Recently, he has started using "we" in reference to him and his ex, collectively, and it is really bothering me.  I am so beyond sick of hearing her name and im having a harder and harder time biting my tongue. I get so worked up EVERY. TYIME. I. HEAR. HER. NAME.  Anytime I even say anything about her, he gets super defensive and it turns into an argument.  Even though they are not together and we are not together, he cant let go of me or cut the umbilical cord with her.  I should add she is driving one of his cars and he pays her cell phone bill and lives under his roof.  

Im struggling with what I am doing.  I want to be with him and ive tried to put myself out there to meet other guys but I just cant do it.  I dont know if and when he will ever be ready for a real relationship with all I know about him, with what is going on with him personally and with her being under his roof.  Im feeling the pressure of being 40 and it is creating me a lot of anxiety.  If anyone has any advice or can throw some different points of view at me, it would be much appreciated.  I hope this all makes sense.  I may have jumped around a bit.  Sorry for novel and thank you to those who take the time to read this. 

Edited August 23, 2020 by MissDLT
hard to read as one big paragraph

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You need to step way back from this. Do not waste any more time on them.

[d0nnivain]

In a pandemic I'm not going to condemn the guy for sheltering his 5 year old & the mom.  

That said, you two have only been together a short time.  I wouldn't stay involved in the mess that is his life.   There is just too much garbage going on there.  Don't get sucked into it 

[gamon]

I'm sorry I can't see how things can possibly work out with the two of you as long as his ex is living in his house and driving his car and he's paying her bills and you can't even talk about how messed up this is without an argument ensuing.

 

 

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

I'm going thru something similar. I would suggest excepting her if you really love this guy. I think he is doing the best he can with the family obligations And he hasn't cheated sexually with her under his roof. I think that is trust building because she is around him a lot and cheating still isn't happening. You are 40 so  may have to accept more then a younger women or man would. You seem like his number one so I would stop worrying about number two. You really love him and it's amazing to get to love someone. 

[MissDLT]

I know it is his guilt that causes him to lash out when I bring anything up.  Its just obvious.  

Im already sucked into it bc I have had such strong feelings for him for so long.  

Before getting involved with him in December, we had met many months earlier and he was pursuing me.  Im glad that I didnt act on it even though we had quite a connection bc that was shortly after he and his ex broke up.

I also did not condemn him for allowing it.  I was upset and it wasnt a situation I wanted to be in, but I understand his heart.  I should also say that before she moved in, he had his son more than 90% of the time.  He is a full time father of his son and now his ex.

I told him he should claim her as a dependant on his taxes and said he should ask for child...errr adult support from her parents.  It like he is raising kids and an ex.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, MissDLT said:

I told him he should claim her as a dependant on his taxes and said he should ask for child...errr adult support from her parents.  It like he is raising kids and an ex.

Don't get involved. He may be telling you half truths so he can have both of you. Bottom line they have a child together and now live together as a family. You need to end it.  This isn't about altruism, this is about they are back together. 

[ExpatInItaly]

I don’t see how this can possibly work as long as he is enmeshed with her to this degree.

I’m sorry, OP. I would try to move on. This likely isn’t going to work out well as long as she is living with him. 

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

A lot of people being negative about the situation. If you don't have kids and don't want them what's  wrong with latching on to a guy that has some. If you are 40 dateing isn't  gonna be any easier so why not just role with it and enjoy the good side of him. He sounds like a winner at least. Keep an eye out for something better and I'm sure he can't be to upset about a wondering eye if he is living with an ex. so make it work with him until something better comes along

Edited August 23, 2020 by Cheaterinchiefv10

[MissDLT]

I was trying to message you Cheaterincheif.  I guess you dont have messaging.

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

I'm sorry I just signed up today. Would like to get messaging. How is that done? 

[MissDLT]

click on premium subscriptions at top of screen.  I just signed up today too.  Its only $3.95/mo

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

Thanks

[gamon]

You don't need a paid membership in order to message. You just need a minimum number of posts and/or time on the site.

Don't know the amount though.

 

[hajk]

30 minutes ago, gamon said:

You don't need a paid membership in order to message. You just need a minimum number of posts and/or time on the site.

Don't know the amount though.

 

That's correct.  You don't need paid membership in order to message.  You just need minimum 50 posts and 30 days on the site.

[ShyViolet]

OP, you chose to get involved with a man who has a lot of baggage... who has two kids by two different women.  Now he's let his ex move into his house, not because he wanted his ex living in his house, but because he's taking care of his kid.  This is really all about the kid; he couldn't just turn his back on them and leave his own child with nowhere to live.  It was actually the right thing to do.  You don't have to like it.  It's really not up to you.  He is not with you now and he has been very honest with you and told you that he can't give you what you want right now.  So you're holding onto feelings for this guy for nothing.  It's not going to work out.  He's straight out telling you that he can't give you what you want, he has too much other stuff going on.  Listen to him.

[MsJayne]

Ever heard the saying "Good to a fault"?  It refers to people who are so busy being kind and helpful to people who don't deserve it that it upsets their legitimate relationships and messes up their own lives. I get that his ex needs help and he has a son to consider, but his ex sounds like a parasite, and she can't be all that helpless because she certainly knows how to manipulate the gullible. The mere fact that she deliberately got pregnant to try and trap him tells you all you need to know about this woman. If you choose to stay with him, she will be in your life for a very, very long time, and in ten years time you can almost lay money on how screwed up that kid's going to be from being raised by a "helpless" woman who thinks everyone else is responsible for her. 

[MissDLT]

He says he thinks of what he and I could have all the time.  His son has lived with him at least 95% of the time bc she is unable to care for their son and he doesn't trust theirs sons safety with her. She has even stated that she doesn't trust herself in that regard. 

Oh ive already seen and know the manipulation in all this.  I have told him this multiple times.  Just the fact that she has asked him several times if he sees the two of them getting back together tells me that her asking to move in is all part of that manipulation.  He is so blind to it.....I AM NOT.  She is a parasite who acts and does what she thinks he wants her to do so she can seem like little miss perfect to him.  He has said this.

Its been so hard bc when I do see him, we are just so comfortable with each other.  At the gym, we just have to give e each other a look and we know what each other is saying.  At the gym is the only place I see him now.  We are both gym rats having been competitive bodybuilders and powerlifters.

I need to distance myself because seeing him is just too much for me.  I am just in to much pain and hurt and its destroying me. I think I am going to have to go to a different gym even though the one he and I go to is directly behind my house.  I have several memberships. I just cant keep doing this.  I dont know if I should just say nothing or if I tell him how I feel and that I need to move on and cant have him in my life any longer.  Its been 3 months since we officially ended but 2 since that really took place due to her not moving out when she was supposed to. I am holding on to so much hope and what kills me is that I can be and treat him the way I want to, like I did.  I know he cares about me. I just dont know how to handle this. I just feel like if I want him to realize who or what I am to him and my value that I have to in a sense, disappear.  But...I just cant keep going on feeling this way.

I keep trying to move on. Ive put myself on a dating app 2x only to talk to a few guys and I just cant seem to get interested in anyone and all it does is create me anxiety.  I then just delete the app.  I haven't lasted for the 24 hours both times.

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by MissDLT

[Wiseman2]

If he respected you or your relationship he would not jeopardize it this way. Unfortunately he is not the "blind" one in this scenario.

He's feeding you very similar lines to " I'm just staying for the kids". When you wake up from this, you are going to feel blindsided, but the fact is you want to believe what you want to believe .

Why didn't he ask you to move in? How often are you there since his child's mother moved back in? 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Wiseman2

[MissDLT]

I really appreciate everyone's responses.

[schlumpy]

Seems to me that you only have a couple of options.

Your first option is to vamoose!

Assume you are reading this all wrong and that it is not his "big heart" that has him agreeing to this arrangement but acknowledged feelings that he has for her. Combine your distancing, her conniving ways, and his blindness it is only a matter of time before the right moment appears where it will be a "fait accompli" for her.

So, if you choose to leave then get as much distance between your heart and him as possible. You already see where this will end up.

Your second option is to turn on the afterburners and cover the distance between the two of you quickly. Get more involved in his life. Volunteer to help his ex get herself on her feet and out the door. Spend time finding financial help for her and job training if not a real job. It would be wonderful if you did this out of compassion but I'm willing to accept that there could be some duplicity in your intentions of getting her out of his house.

You either throw in the towel (boxing lingo) or you stay and fight for him. It would be much easier to run but then there are all those pesky feelings, right?

BTW

I have a very honorable and well intentioned friend who married a woman that is an alcoholic. She destroyed him in every conceivable fashion. She lied, stole money from their business and cheated on him. He went bankrupt. Finally she ran off with another man and he had to concede defeat. He divorced but she left him with three kids to raise.

He is much like the man you are love with. He's been through things I can only imagine and yet has come out whole. 

Three years ago he found someone else and they married.

Six months into the marriage his ex wife shows up homeless and begging him to let her stay in the basement and he did. She was down there for 3 months until she finally left for Canada where her family is.

I never offered him criticism because I knew what an honorable person he was and never doubted his intentions but I had to wonder how his new wife was taking it and what type of stress she was enduring. She must have had a tremendous amount of faith in him. 

[Wiseman2]

The sooner you cut your losses the sooner you can find a man of your own rather than stand in the sidelines while they rekindle things. Do you really believe he supports her and lives with her out of pity? 

If he has such a big heart why is he stomping all over yours! Don't be their social worker. They are together because they WANT to be.

[Snow_Queen]

The way I see it, he has clearly chosen her over you. She has basically become enmeshed in his life whereas you seem to be secondary. That  creates too much drama for anyone to have to tolerate. Let him take care of this incapable woman, if that’s what he truly wants.
 

As others have said, cut your losses and move on. There’s no need to put yourself in the midst of this mess he’s created.

[d0nnivain]

15 hours ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said:

A lot of people being negative about the situation. If you don't have kids and don't want them what's  wrong with latching on to a guy that has some. If you are 40 dateing isn't  gonna be any easier so why not just role with it and enjoy the good side of him. He sounds like a winner at least. Keep an eye out for something better and I'm sure he can't be to upset about a wondering eye if he is living with an ex. so make it work with him until something better comes along

I'm not being negative because he has a kid.  I'm being negative because he had poor boundaries & is being taken advantage of by a manipulative baby mama.  She has planned ignorance / laziness / dependence & will always need saving / rescuing.  He will always come to her aid no matter who he is in a relationship with.  His refusal to seek treatment for his ADHD, his defensiveness around the baby mama,  not enforcing the 60 day deadline he set, his use of the word "we" when talking about the baby mama tells me he puts the baby mama above MissDLT & always will.   Where / how does that make him "a winner"?  Phrased differently how low are you standards?  

[MissDLT]

All of what u just said above is why I am writing this.  I’ve been such an emotional wreck that I haven’t been able to see the situation clear.  I need to see and read all this and I appreciate all of you for taking the time to write me.