Why is my boyfriend suddenly ignoring me?

[Versacehottie]

2 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

He bought something expensive (or at least claimed) the week prior so I thought he has access to money and could pay me back so I made an excuse to get it back. He is the one who insisted it be a loan/debt and not just a gift. If he was a scammer wouldn't he just said "thanks for the gift" then right after sending the last payment block/go ghost. He only went ghost now and ignored me when I kept asking/having a panic attack. In the Snapchat messages he thought it was someone else then acknowledged it was me cause my name was on it, then 3 mins later was like "whats going on". So I am not sure if I am being ghosted/ignored because he scammed or he is too embarrassed to admit that he does not have the money and is trying to avoid conflict especially when I blew up (he is on vacation). He didn't break up with me or anything. He simply just stopped replying to my many messages and attempts. Do you think if I stop hassling him and leave him alone/give space he will eventually talk and explain himself or did he take the money and vanish?

I also want to address that due to previous relationships where I got cheated on and used I have developed high anxiety and trust issues. The reason why we broke up before was because I used to accuse him of cheating all the time with no context. Hence why I was a s***ty GF. My ex was an actual scammer who defrauded luxury brands such as Gucci and LV, also would sell stolen MacBooks (he would basically buy these items, have it shipped, claim it never shipped and keep it) he was an actual fraud. My current BF seems like a very decent guy and genuinely kind (i dont know if its a front or the real him). I also don't understand why he can not reply. But given the context of the Snapchat messages I am assuming he is going to pretend he never saw the other messages (too embarrassed to be confronted about it). I don't understand why he would reply there then go ghost again. I really can not make out if I got scammed or if he's avoiding conflict especially when I low key went psycho.

I love it.  He's on vacation!  so he borrowed a large amount of money from a student-aged (assuming college) girlfriend to be on vacation.  He didn't use the money or time to come see you though, did he?

Two things: he probably both scammed you AND can't be bothered to upset his vacation.  You already let him know you will do anything to stay with him so if he does want to resolve it, he will just wait until he is done with the vacation.  And um, he should be embarrassed!  But if you are equals and in a real relationship he would deal with it rather than blow you off and risk losing you forever.

Lastly, the guy doesn't deserve much defending---however, the fact that you have "trust issues" while unfortunate is not his fault and you need to deal with that on your own and come to any relationship with it under control, not use it as a poor excuse for bad behavior.  This guy doesn't seem much different than your ex--the ex preyed on corporations and this guy is preying on a closer, easier target, you.  We told you before, you have to let him go.

[ShyViolet]

You still didn't answer the question.  Are you getting help for your mental issues now?  Because you clearly do have mental issues.

[xforeverlove99]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

You still didn't answer the question.  Are you getting help for your mental issues now?  Because you clearly do have mental issues.

No I am not.

[Versacehottie]

the adderall will probably make you act extremely anxious and ON.  I don't know too much about it, only secondhand but i would imagine coming off of it cold turkey will cause anxiety to crop up. 

I will link the "other girl's" thread.  Hard to believe you haven't seen it but ok 

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

No I am not.

Ok then.  Well here's my relationship advice.  Go to a doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a counselor, SOMETHING, and get yourself help so you can get to a better place.  You are not mentally stable enough to be dating.  Leave this guy alone.  I mean, yes you should probably get your money back, but other than that, LEAVE this guy alone and stop dating until you get treatment and get more stable.

[Versacehottie]

 

[xforeverlove99]

7 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You already let him know you will do anything to stay with him so if he does want to resolve it, he will just wait until he is done with the vacation. 

His vacation is not finished until next month. Do you think if I leave him alone and stop going psycho and not mention anything and give personal space he may come around and talk to me (considering he is a decent guy)?

If he ends up being a scammer then I want absolutely nothing to do with low life scum. The thing I don't get is if he was a scammer why would he insist it be a loan and not a gift and insist that he repay me. And he continued to talk to me even after the loan was given (a month ago) and only went ghost right now but replied on Snapchat acknowledging it was me. I spammed him on iMessage, Facebook and Snapchat. But now deleted the last 2. Should I stop all attempts at communication? and if hes a decent guy he will eventually talk again (considering he is avoiding conflict) if not hes a scammer/low life scum so just learn from my mistake and move on.

[Versacehottie]

Whoa, girl you are spinning! I agree with shy violet that you need to first and foremost get yourself to a doctor and/or therapist.  For one thing, getting into a realistic, more calm headspace will help you see this as it is & with any guy moving forward to have more stable interactions.

To me, he's not a great guy; you can "tell" that now.  However, to be fair to him, even if he was lying about what the money was for (personal use vs business), the fact that he couldn't scrape together $2600, is concurrently doing a vacation which means he's spending money & that no "loan" was truly put in place means he'd have a hard time coming up with it right away.  He didn't have the money AT ALL a few weeks ago when he borrowed it; he's additionally doing heavy outlay of cash presuming on vacation and didn't expect to have to give it back to you AT ALL.  Even if you consider that you were insisting it was a gift and he was insisting he would treat it as a loan, no time frame was set up at all.  As an outsider, I would consider that repayment, if at all, to be a long term at best one.  Secondly with regard to the money, pretty sure, because of what YOU SAID, courts would not consider it a loan but rather a gift.

I know all you care about is getting him back in your life--big mistake.  He's already proved to you that he cares little for you, your wellbeing, or what you think.  Even if you were acting crazy, your "boyfriend" would slightly know you were high strung and get back to you if you were in distress financially and just to talk things through with you even if he could not give you back the money at this point.  So we can pretty much deduce he's not a decent guy--at least not toward you.  I think you guys are on far different pages and he is using you.  Also instead of taking on extra work to pay you back or using his vacation time to see you, he's off spending more money.  A not-loveblind person can see exactly what that means.  Now that he's handled this like this, you should be able to see it too.

What do you mean "ends up" being a scammer?  You have tested "what he is" right now with the last couple days of shenanigans.  There's no trust between you, bad communication & lies. You are getting caught up in details that don't matter.  What someone "says" means nothing in comparison to their actions.  You basically "forgave" the loan upon giving it by insisting it was a gift.  Regardless of what he said, to perhaps deal with the guilt of knowing he was using you, doesn't feel the same way toward you, etc is insist on calling it a loan from his end--but it was a very off-the-cuff statement; one that had little value.  What matters is how he is treating you right now--and he is basically ignoring you and hiding--like people do when they owe a person money or have used them or both.  There's also this thing that people will "say" things so that they can align their personal self-image with what they want to be rather than what their actions would otherwise say, ie it's easier for his mind to accept the money from a girl he is using or has feelings for him that he doesn't return if he justifies it with a simple sentence that he doesn't really have to own up to in the present ("it will be a loan").  

I think you should stop trying to communicate with him because it's humiliating.  He will do whatever he will do.  Unless you are going to bring a lawsuit to try to get your money back, i'd leave it alone.  To keep pressuring him won't get him back into your life romantically.  When he contacts you, to me, the first subject you should deal with is the money & show him you are not a pushover.  don't act crazy, just calmly ask for when you are getting it back.  Beyond that, he'd have a lot of rebuilding to do. TBH, i don't see him as your boyfriend at all; he may try to use you in various ways though (more money, an occasional hookup, an ego boost).

You should learn from your mistake not to "get this guy back" but because it will help you be better in the future.  The first thing is deal with the adderall addiction. The second is to learn how to see these people coming.  This one was pretty obvious soooooo there's a lot of work to do on your end.  You shouldn't want this guy back.

12 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

The thing I don't get is if he was a scammer why would he insist it be a loan and not a gift and insist that he repay me. And he continued to talk to me even after the loan was given (a month ago) and only went ghost right now but replied on Snapchat acknowledging it was me. I spammed him on iMessage, Facebook and Snapchat. But now deleted the last 2. Should I stop all attempts at communication? and if hes a decent guy he will eventually talk again (considering he is avoiding conflict) if not hes a scammer/low life scum so just learn from my mistake and move on.

 

[Wiseman2]

Is this for drug deals and purchases?

[Cheaterinchiefv10]

From a male perspective he should have taken the money as a gift and said thank you so much and went out of his way to treat you nicely and payed you back in other ways like massages and nice dinners and just being his best charming Self.  His pride got in the way and it's causing you to want to mess with him a bit and now it's gotten really messy. I think you both maybe needed someone to talk to together at the start of this mess to get it right. I think you guys can overcome it though because that's what is required to make it work

[stillafool]

TBH is he really a scammer if he doesn't pay you back?  He probably won't feel like one because of the way you insisted it was a gift from the beginning.  Yeah he knows he told you he will pay you back but he probably thinks if he comes back around to you that money will not be the priority but having him for a boyfriend is your top priority.  Basically you are buying companionship and that doesn't turn into love.

[stillafool]

1 minute ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said:

From a male perspective he should have taken the money as a gift and said thank you so much and went out of his way to treat you nicely and payed you back in other ways like massages and nice dinners and just being his best charming Self.  

It's clear he doesn't want to spend his time doing this.

[xforeverlove99]

1 minute ago, Cheaterinchiefv10 said:

From a male perspective he should have taken the money as a gift and said thank you so much and went out of his way to treat you nicely and payed you back in other ways like massages and nice dinners and just being his best charming Self.  His pride got in the way and it's causing you to want to mess with him a bit and now it's gotten really messy. I think you both maybe needed someone to talk to together at the start of this mess to get it right. I think you guys can overcome it though because that's what is required to make it work

What would that require in my end?

and honestly i knew him for an year now and the first time we dated he was a great boyfriend and even now up until I went psycho and he ignored. Also he is the type of guy in general who's avoidant-dismissive so when conflicts arise he fully avoids them.

[Art.at.Heart]

3 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

What would that require in my end?

and honestly i knew him for an year now and the first time we dated he was a great boyfriend and even now up until I went psycho and he ignored. Also he is the type of guy in general who's avoidant-dismissive so when conflicts arise he fully avoids them.

And judging by how you said you reacted to his avoidance, you have more of an anxious attachment style. If true, someone who is avoidant will almost always trigger you in this way.

[poppyfields]

xforever, I think I get your reasoning here - you offered the money as a gift, he said no it's a loan and would repay. 

So even though you nearly insisted on it being a gift, because he promised to repay anyway, in your mind, you now expect him to repay. 

So you asked for the money and now he has disappeared?  Or something like that?

Here's my take.  No I don't think he is a scammer. 

He might he embarrassed he cannot repay you right now but more than anything, I think your erratic behaviour - the fake account, the spamming 40 texts, your panic attack, and overall  mental instability - has caused him to re-think the relationship so he's pulled back.

Also, Versace said it was $2600, I read it was $6200 total, either way, that is a lot of money!  

Realistically, I don't think he will pay it back, but lesson learned for next time.

Don't call it a gift and then expect it back even IF the person offers to pay back.

If you want it to be a gift, stick with that  and if you want it to be a loan, try to get it in writing.  If he doesn't repay, you can take him to court and have tangible proof it was loan.

Too late in this case since there are text messages wherein you called it a gift.

Lastly, please seek help for your mental issues (anxiety, panic attacks) and hope you feel better soon!

Go for a run or something, that always calms me down, and Yoga.

Hugs.

Edited August 23, 2020 by poppyfields

[FudgeSwirl]

Loaning money to anybody, including friends, is never a good idea unless you create a written contract that you both can sign.  In the case with your boyfriend because you told him the money was a gift even if he said he still wanted to pay you back he isn't obligated to do so whether he's telling the truth or scammed you for it.  Of course I hope it is the former but if not the positive in this situation is that you learned a valuable lesson regarding your own money.

Secondly, when someone is away including significant others it's normal for them to be not as responsive whether it be a business trip or for leisure.  Spamming him with texts and "tricking" him to respond with Snapchat stories were not the way to go.  Even if he weren't away, if you wanted to talk to him about anything one text would suffice.  If he didn't respond right away, you would just leave it and patiently waited until he did.

Based on what I read about your relationship, it's not going into a healthy direction at all.  Being of course we don't know every detail I only hope things work out for you both.  I'm really sorry to hear, though, about your mental problems.  They're nothing to be ashamed of at all, but you should talk to a professional like a counselor to help you work through your feelings and insecurities.  In doing so, you will be able to build really strong relationships with anybody and not just in the romantic sense.  Also, that person will be able to there for you since you quit your Adderall addiction cold turkey so you don't have to do it all alone.

[Wiseman2]

People go to banks for loans. They hit up gfs/bfs for unsavory endeavors. 

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

 

Him: I'll accept your gift but I'll gift it back when i can okay?
Me: My only intention is to help you
I don't expect anything back in return
But please accept my gift
I love u so much and care about u more then words can even explain. This is just a small gift seeing how important this is to you.
This is basically equal to me gifting u a Chanel bag... not even So please accept my small gift
Him: Okay i will but as i said i can gift it back when i can right?
 

Are you telling us the full story here? Because, based on your own version of events, he hasn't broken his promise. He said he'd gift it back when he could. If he hasn't done it yet, it's reasonable to assume it's because he can't. I mean, it really is possible that the situation he was dealing with wasn't a quick fix, that it would take time to get everything straightened out. And it actually is conceivable that he may have disappeared because he is desperately focusing all his time on his business and on ultimately paying you back.

You don't seem to have agreed on a specific date by which he should repay you. And you seem to have given him the impression that you could afford to lose this money; that, by taking it, he wasn't going to get you into financial trouble... Letting someone adopt those assumptions then turning around and claiming you have a crisis and need the money right now is a pretty cruel thing to do. If he genuinely cares about you, he must be feeling tremendously guilty and anxious right now.

To be fair, I don't actually know if this guy intends to pay you back. Maybe he does. Maybe he doesn't, and your suspicions are right. But based on the way you tell the story, it's pretty difficult to tell.

For now, though, please follow the advice of everyone who's telling you to get some help for your anxiety and panic attacks. That's the biggest priority at this moment.

[xforeverlove99]

4 hours ago, poppyfields said:

He might he embarrassed he cannot repay you right now but more than anything, I think your erratic behaviour - the fake account, the spamming 40 texts, your panic attack, and overall  mental instability - has caused him to re-think the relationship so he's pulled back.

This is also another potential reason for him to ignore. But what I don't get is that he never said that he is breaking up and even when I put him on the spot on Snapchat he was acting like he had no idea what's going on nor did he ignore nor did he mention that we are over. I think that maybe he is setting it up such that he is going to pretend not to know that I asked for the money back and may come back later (considering I don't harass him anymore) and act like he never knew that I even asked for it (i.e. waiting for the situation to fizzle out). Either that or he went cold turkey because I asked for it back (which I didn't do before) and was like okay time to make it known she got scammed by going ghost and never replying.

[xforeverlove99]

3 hours ago, FudgeSwirl said:

Secondly, when someone is away including significant others it's normal for them to be not as responsive whether it be a business trip or for leisure.  Spamming him with texts and "tricking" him to respond with Snapchat stories were not the way to go.  Even if he weren't away, if you wanted to talk to him about anything one text would suffice.  If he didn't respond right away, you would just leave it and patiently waited until he did.

You are right, I have an issue with patience. I even told him 3 days ago on one message that I will no longer text him but continued to spam. My friend told me not to contact him beyond that point because i would look like an idiot. I just assumed the worst and wanted to get a reply out of him. But looking back if he is not replying then what good would spamming do (it's like talking to a brick wall). He is either not replying because he is embarrassed to admit he can't help and feels guilty given my sob story or officially scammed me and cut off communication. For either result the only thing I can do for myself is to leave it alone and let it be/move on.

[Noproblem]

wow, you are the worst person someone can borrow money from.

You gave him money and after a week you asked for it

He can't magically make the money for you, and you told him consider it as a gift then you keep saying to him he is scammer!

 

Please seek treatment what's wrong with you! Don't lend people money if you gonna call them thieves after a short while!

Don't lend money at all

and don't be in a relationship until you fix yourself!

 

 

[xforeverlove99]

41 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

wow, you are the worst person someone can borrow money from.

You gave him money and after a week you asked for it

He can't magically make the money for you, and you told him consider it as a gift then you keep saying to him he is scammer!

The reason I wanted my money back was because he said he got a Tesla stock and I’m like if he can afford that then he can afford to pay me back and thought he had access to money. I do stocks that's how I make money and even told him about the Tesla stocks and how it has potential to generate quick money which it did. I sold my stocks to loan him money so I was pissed off that he was doing it and I could not because of him. I thought he has access to money now (considering he got the stock) so I asked politely and no response. Then 2 days later I went on Facebook and saw his last active status and lost it and spammed with 45 messages. Then the next day cat fished with the Snapchat and that’s all he said. He didn’t reply after that either even tho he asked what’s wrong. I don’t think he has the money hence why he does not reply especially when I put him on the spot. Idk if he scammed me and faked the whole relationship to scam/con me  (we dated before and I've known him for an year. The first time I dated him he was great and never once used me for anything and always took care of every bill no matter the amount. Meanwhile my s***ty ex aka the scammer would ALWAYS make me pay for every single meal). Or he pretended to be a big shot but really isn’t and doesn’t wanna own up to it so isn’t gonna reply until the whole thing fizzles out and I’m sane/normal. There's also the possibility that he wants space away from me especially when I went all psycho on him and is avoiding conflict (since he is back home with family/friends) and thinks engaging in any form of communication would result to talking about the money/conflicts. If he is a decent guy (like he made himself out to be this whole time/past year) he may not reply to me until he has the money thing figured out.

I also do not have good judgement on people and assume everyone is horrible because of my past experiences. Patience is also difficult for me and I sometimes have anxiety attacks. I do admit after reading this forum and talking to my friends how irrational spamming him was and how little it contributed to the situation at hand. There are only two reasons for him suddenly disappearing after this topic: 1) I asked for it back and he scammed me so he is going to continue to ignore me and never reply 2) He is too embarrassed to admit the truth and has too much pride for that or he is avoiding conflict while visiting family/friends back home. Not knowing the answer is what causes my anxiety but now I am a little more chill with it and have no choice but to let time tell.

Edited August 24, 2020 by xforeverlove99

[Versacehottie]

30 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

The reason I wanted my money back was because he said he got a Tesla stock and I’m like if he can afford that then he can afford to pay me back and thought he had access to money. I do stocks that's how I make money and even told him about the Tesla stocks and how it has potential to generate quick money which it did. I sold my stocks to loan him money so I was pissed off that he was doing it and I could not because of him. I thought he has access to money now (considering he got the stock) so I asked politely and no response. Then 2 days later I went on Facebook and saw his last active status and lost it and spammed with 45 messages. Then the next day cat fished with the Snapchat and that’s all he said. He didn’t reply after that either even tho he asked what’s wrong. I don’t think he has the money hence why he does not reply especially when I put him on the spot. Idk if he scammed me and faked the whole relationship to scam/con me  (we dated before and I've known him for an year. The first time I dated him he was great and never once used me for anything and always took care of every bill no matter the amount. Meanwhile my s***ty ex aka the scammer would ALWAYS make me pay for every single meal). Or he pretended to be a big shot but really isn’t and doesn’t wanna own up to it so isn’t gonna reply until the whole thing fizzles out and I’m sane/normal. There's also the possibility that he wants space away from me especially when I went all psycho on him and is avoiding conflict (since he is back home with family/friends) and thinks engaging in any form of communication would result to talking about the money/conflicts. If he is a decent guy (like he made himself out to be this whole time/past year) he may not reply to me until he has the money thing figured out.

I also do not have good judgement on people and assume everyone is horrible because of my past experiences. Patience is also difficult for me and I sometimes have anxiety attacks. I do admit after reading this forum and talking to my friends how irrational spamming him was and how little it contributed to the situation at hand. There are only two reasons for him suddenly disappearing after this topic: 1) I asked for it back and he scammed me so he is going to continue to ignore me and never reply 2) He is too embarrassed to admit the truth and has too much pride for that or he is avoiding conflict while visiting family/friends back home. Not knowing the answer is what causes my anxiety but now I am a little more chill with it and have no choice but to let time tell.

Oh and I can think of another reason--though it's probably in combo with one of yours---when pressured by people, ie you pressuring and stalking him, losing all sense of normalcy of how to behave in a relationship, a lot of people will draw the line and not give in to that behavior.   For some it's a stubborn thing, for others it's knowing that if they give in to your whims, you will feel like it's ok to keep doing this sh*t every time there is some little problem.  

While I don't think this is a little problem, you also didn't handle it well at all, regardless of his bad parts in it.

Also how can you be good with money if you sold a good upward trending stock to get cash so he could buy the same exact stock.  Just looking at the BIG picture, you should have put your effort into making him a serious boyfriend/husband and you can all share in the profits of any good stock investing you do. Right now you just handed off a money-making instrument (stock for > cash > to try to obtain his love) to try to get him to remain interested in you and in your life.  You picked a poor way to do it from both a love life perspective (these are not the tools that work) and also from a financial perspective.  And then you have finished it off with a dose of batsh*t.  You need to totally chill out and give him space. He will be in contact with you if and when he does. I think it will be really hard for you based on the way you've handled yourself so far but hopefully you are embarrassed enough to give it a rest.  I'll put it to you in ways you will probably be motivated by: if you continue to reach out to him 99% sure you are going to be pushing him further away.  

Keep in mind I say this like there is something to salvage--I don't really think there is and I don't think that you are being honest with us about the "relationship". 

[stillafool]

42 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

he reason I wanted my money back was because he said he got a Tesla stock and I’m like if he can afford that then he can afford to pay me back and thought he had access to money. I do stocks that's how I make money and even told him about the Tesla stocks and how it has potential to generate quick money which it did. I sold my stocks to loan him money so I was pissed off that he was doing it and I could not because of him.

OMG this is exactly the same thing the other poster said about lending a guy money.  It had something to do with Tesla stock and the guy already had money but wanted to borrow hers.  OP look up that thread.  We'll try to find a link for you.

[xforeverlove99]

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

 I'll put it to you in ways you will probably be motivated by: if you continue to reach out to him 99% sure you are going to be pushing him further away. 

I whole heartily agree with this. If he is scamming me then continuing to contact him will prove to be pointless. On the off chance that he is a genuine guy who is avoiding conflict then pushing it and going even more psycho (especially when I said I will stop) will just push him away further. So in either case scenario there is nothing left to do but to leave it be. I have no messaged him since last night nor do I intend to. He returns in 1 month from now, maybe by then I can reach out to him and arrange an in person meeting.

Thank you for your advice.