Why is my boyfriend suddenly ignoring me?

[xforeverlove99]

Everything in the relationship was going great also we dated last year and things ended because I wasn’t that great of a girlfriend to him. Then I changed my ways and we started talking again then ended up in a relationship. I loaned him money to help with his business and he promised he’ll pay it back even when I insisted he can take it as a gift he refused and said it’s a loan. Also whenever I would accuse him of being a thief or scamming me he’d get upset and be like “it’s okay don’t worry about the loan and just keep it” and said it in a kind way which he wasn’t upset. But I would keep insisting he take the loan from me. It’s been 3 weeks since he took the loan and we continued to talk normally. Currently he is out of the country and has been for the last 2 weeks. He even messaged me with his new number. Anyways the last we talked was on Monday and he said he missed me. Then on Tuesday night I asked him for my money back and on Wednesday I explained it was for school. Didn’t hear back from him. Then the next day I spammed him but was still kind of nice about it. Then on Friday I made a fake Snapchat account but used my real name and he replied to it and was like who is this? my name is that you?
Then 3 minutes later he was like what are u talking about? What’s going on?
And a few hours later I replied to him explaining what I said on text. He didn’t get back to me nor did he talk all day (today) I was tracking his active status on Facebook and he was barely on.

Do you think he’s ignoring me because he scammed me (and faked the whole relationship) or he’s too embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t have the money?

He is also one of those people who have major pride. I had an ex who was a leech and I would be paying for every single meal and the first and second time we dated he’d be the one to always pay.

[ShyViolet]

25 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

 I loaned him money to help with his business and he promised he’ll pay it back even when I insisted he can take it as a gift he refused and said it’s a loan. Also whenever I would accuse him of being a thief or scamming me he’d get upset and be like “it’s okay don’t worry about the loan and just keep it”

I am genuinely confused.  On one hand you gave him money and insisted that it's a gift and that he didn't have to pay it back.  Then you called him a "scammer and a thief".  Then you did want the money back.  You are all over the place.  

It's never, ever a good idea to loan anyone money.  Not a romantic partner, not a friend.  It just leads to messy, drama situations like this.

[xforeverlove99]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

On one hand you gave him money and insisted that it's a gift and that he didn't have to pay it back

He was hesitant to borrow it from me because I would get skeptical and would accuse him of being a scammer or a thief then he'll get upset and tell me to forgot about it (I was giving him the loan in installments since it was $6200 total) and to keep the money (said it in a kind way using emojis) and I kept insisting he takes it. And can even keep it as a gift or to think of it as a gift so there's no drama. He said he won't and that it's a loan/debt then I agreed with it. One time I joked about it and he got upset and told me the money would be back in my account soon and I told him to relax it was a joke. Anyways on Tuesday night I told him i needed it back to pay for my school tuition (untrue but I needed an excuse) and he hasn't replied to me since except the one time on Snapchat. I'm not sure if he's ignoring me because he scammed me/intentions from the start or because hes too embarrassed to admit that he does not have the money. Also he's on vacation in another/his home country right now.

Edited August 23, 2020 by xforeverlove99

[ShyViolet]

1 hour ago, xforeverlove99 said:

He was hesitant to borrow it from me because I would get skeptical and would accuse him of being a scammer or a thief then he'll get upset and tell me to forgot about it (I was giving him the loan in installments since it was $6200 total) and to keep the money (said it in a kind way using emojis) and I kept insisting he takes it. And can even keep it as a gift or to think of it as a gift so there's no drama. He said he won't and that it's a loan/debt then I agreed with it. One time I joked about it and he got upset and told me the money would be back in my account soon and I told him to relax it was a joke. Anyways on Tuesday night I told him i needed it back to pay for my school tuition (untrue but I needed an excuse) and he hasn't replied to me since except the one time on Snapchat. I'm not sure if he's ignoring me because he scammed me/intentions from the start or because hes too embarrassed to admit that he does not have the money. Also he's on vacation in another/his home country right now.

This whole thing is a mess and shows very poor judgment.  If you're going to loan someone money, which is a BAD idea anyway and you should never do, but IF you are, you have to be clear about the terms, you should even create a contract in writing, you don't joke about it and keep changing your story about it every other day.  (first you say he's a thief and scammer, then you insist he take the money, then you say it's a gift, then you say you need it back... what?)

[xforeverlove99]

27 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

This whole thing is a mess and shows very poor judgment.  If you're going to loan someone money, which is a BAD idea anyway and you should never do, but IF you are, you have to be clear about the terms, you should even create a contract in writing, you don't joke about it and keep changing your story about it every other day.  (first you say he's a thief and scammer, then you insist he take the money, then you say it's a gift, then you say you need it back... what?)

I offered it to him as a gift and he insisted that he will pay me back when he gets the chance. The text message convo (happened a month ago) was as follows:

Him: I'll accept your gift but I'll gift it back when i can okay?
Me: My only intention is to help you
I don't expect anything back in return
But please accept my gift
I love u so much and care about u more then words can even explain. This is just a small gift seeing how important this is to you.
This is basically equal to me gifting u a Chanel bag... not even So please accept my small gift
Him: Okay i will but as i said i can gift it back when i can right?
Me: I don't expect or want anything in return
Im genuinely doing this out of love and don't want anything back in return

Him: Yeah I understand and appreciate it but u know me I can't

The one time he did reply to me this week (Friday) when I created a snapchat and used my name, the convo went as follows:

Me: Hey, we need to talk. Please! You're lack of communication is why I'm starting to suspect the worst and if its really not like that then please Imk what's going on

Him: And you are? Mel is this you? ??? What's going on And what are you suspecting..?

Also hes the one who kept insisting that he will pay it back to me and the money will be back in my account soon when I made that joke 2 weeks ago. So I  told him how I'm in a sticky situation right now and I need the money back for school. FYI he is back home meaning he can access his bank account now hence why I asked and also he said he will give it "soon" 2 weeks ago.

I'm not sure if hes ignoring/ghosting all my messages now because he scammed me or because he's too embarrassed to admit that he cant pay me back right now or avoiding conflict (since he is on vacation).

Edited August 23, 2020 by xforeverlove99

[basil67]

Why did you lie to him about offering the money as a gift?    

[Erik30]

5 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

I loaned him money to help with his business and he promised he’ll pay it back even when I insisted he can take it as a gift he refused and said it’s a loan. Also whenever I would accuse him of being a thief or scamming me he’d get upset and be like “it’s okay don’t worry about the loan and just keep it” and said it in a kind way which he wasn’t upset. But I would keep insisting he take the loan from me.

He's probably confused/annoyed by your behaviour. How is he a thief when you're offering just to give the money to him?

 

5 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

Anyways on Tuesday night I told him i needed it back to pay for my school tuition (untrue but I needed an excuse) and he hasn't replied to me

So he finally takes you up on your offer, and now you suddenly want it all back... I guess he knows you're playing games and is regretting he ever took the money. 

Don't be surprised if he ends it because of this. (And he'll pay you back if he's a decent guy)

[Fox Sake]

What a mess. To be honest you both sound as bad as each other.

you say you weren’t that great of a girlfriend to him before, but changed your ways. I hate to point this out to you , but your behaviour and attitude towards him doesn’t sound that great. It sounds manic. So goodness knows what it was like before. Loaning money doesn’t make you a great person it just makes you careless. Made the same mistakes loaning people money before and I’m down the tune of 20k+. I’ll never see it again. 

You said you offered it to him as a gift to avoid any drama but it seems the only person creating drama over it is you. 

Read Shy Violet and Basil’s posts. 

If I was him I would have been embarrassed and hurt. Especially if he didn’t have the money to pay you back immediately after being offered it as a gift on a timeless basis. “Soon” means soon. Not exactly when you want it. 

You lied to him about why you needed it back, you also offered it to him as a gift - you insisted! Then tell him you need it back again and lie about the reasoning. 

 

I suspect he will more than likely get it back to you when he has it. But I think your behaviour with passive aggressive jokes and changing what you say to him is likely the end of this relationship. 
 

 
 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

He was hesitant to borrow it from me because I would get skeptical and would accuse him of being a scammer or a thief 

You're not making any sense. 

Why were you accusing him of being a liar and thief in the first place? And why did you tell him it was a gift when it clearly was not? Why did you insist he take it if you were going to turn around and behave like this? Why did you need an "excuse" to ask him for your money back? 

He likely has no idea how to respond to you since you're being so erratic. 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear that. Scamming and catfishing each other on/off is not a great relationship.

Don't try to buy love then create all sorts of drama with shady characters.

[elaine567]

7 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

I loaned him money to help with his business

Business loans are rarely short term as the money is usually sunk straight into the business. Yes, he could probably pay you back "some time", if it all goes well but demanding it NOW, was going to probably leave him in a sticky situation, especially in the middle of a pandemic...

[Wiseman2]

Are you a bank, loanshark or catfish?

[d0nnivain]

Why on earth would you give money to somebody you thought was scamming you. The money is gone & you have no way to force him to give it back to you.  When you loan somebody money you get a signed written promise of repayment.  Anything else is a gift.  Since you at some points told him it was gift, if you try to take him to court the Judge will laugh in your face.  

Now you are making fake accounts & you changed your mind about a possible repayment plan.  He probably spent the money & can't pay you back now.  The fact that you need the money puts pressure on him.  Instead of admitting to you that he cant pay you back he's chosen to be more irresponsible & ghost

[Velvet teddy]

10 hours ago, xforeverlove99 said:

Everything in the relationship was going great also we dated last year and things ended because I wasn’t that great of a girlfriend to him. Then I changed my ways and we started talking again then ended up in a relationship. I loaned him money to help with his business and he promised he’ll pay it back even when I insisted he can take it as a gift he refused and said it’s a loan. Also whenever I would accuse him of being a thief or scamming me he’d get upset and be like “it’s okay don’t worry about the loan and just keep it” and said it in a kind way which he wasn’t upset. But I would keep insisting he take the loan from me. It’s been 3 weeks since he took the loan and we continued to talk normally. Currently he is out of the country and has been for the last 2 weeks. He even messaged me with his new number. Anyways the last we talked was on Monday and he said he missed me. Then on Tuesday night I asked him for my money back and on Wednesday I explained it was for school. Didn’t hear back from him. Then the next day I spammed him but was still kind of nice about it. Then on Friday I made a fake Snapchat account but used my real name and he replied to it and was like who is this? my name is that you?
Then 3 minutes later he was like what are u talking about? What’s going on?
And a few hours later I replied to him explaining what I said on text. He didn’t get back to me nor did he talk all day (today) I was tracking his active status on Facebook and he was barely on.

Do you think he’s ignoring me because he scammed me (and faked the whole relationship) or he’s too embarrassed to admit that he doesn’t have the money?

He is also one of those people who have major pride. I had an ex who was a leech and I would be paying for every single meal and the first and second time we dated he’d be the one to always pay.

You don't make any sense. Your words and actions are not aligning.

If you wanted the money back, why tell him you love him and its a gift etc etc..but now you're hassling him for it.

It could be you won't  see the money again or for a long time at the very least.

But next time you give someone so much of your money, be careful with your words, and don't contradict yourself. 

[Versacehottie]

me thinks part of the reason you "need the money back" is because you can't access him any other way.  

is he "obligated" to stay in a relationship just because you gave him money?  No. I think maybe it's as transparent to him that it is to me that he's blowing you off in general and now you are calling this gift a LOAN and want it back immediately.  It coincides too much with the fact that you can't get a hold of him.

Anyway, even if that's not exactly what is going on---your flip-flopping on it being first a gift and now a loan needed back IMMEDIATELY is annoying.  If he wasn't ignoring you in general because he is over the relationship in general, he'd be ignoring you for the flip-flop on money issue and immediate repayment demand

[stillafool]

So basically the money was a gift as long as he is with you and follow your rules.  If he doesn't follow your rules then it is a loan that is up for repayment now.  Because he isn't available to you the loan is now due.

[xforeverlove99]

3 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

 If he wasn't ignoring you in general because he is over the relationship in general, he'd be ignoring you for the flip-flop on money issue and immediate repayment demand

The confusing part is that even after I loaned him the money he would still talk and always engage in conversation. He's the one who insisted that he would repay me and I thought he has access to money since he was not able to access his bank over seas but now that he is back home I thought he would be able to get it. The last time he talked to me was on Monday and he engaged the conversation and told me he misses me (he is back home/on vacation). Then the day after this is when I asked for the money then no reply, so I asked again politely and he didn't get back so on Thursday I had a panic attack and spammed him with over 40 messages. Then reached out on Snapchat on Friday to which he said the convo above. The last conversation I sent was last night apologizing for jeopardizing the relationship, told him I figured the school thing out and if he wants to ever talk to me again then I will no longer mention that topic and want things to be the way they were. I also told him I will stop spamming and give him space.

[ExpatInItaly]

You’re still not making much sense, and you’re starting to conflate two issues: the money, and your perceived lack of attention from him while he’s away. 

Why did you suddenly ask him for the money? You’ve admitted you don’t actually need it back, so what were you really looking for there? Were you feeling like he was ignoring you, so you figured that demanding the money back would get his attention?

Do you generally struggle to control yourself? What sort of messages did you spam him with? I think he’s probably as confused as the rest of us about what’s going on with you. 

[Wiseman2]

He's a scammer. But you already know this.

[ShyViolet]

OP,  it almost sounds like some of the things you have done were part of manic episodes.

[xforeverlove99]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You’re still not making much sense, and you’re starting to conflate two issues: the money, and your perceived lack of attention from him while he’s away. 

Why did you suddenly ask him for the money? You’ve admitted you don’t actually need it back, so what were you really looking for there? Were you feeling like he was ignoring you, so you figured that demanding the money back would get his attention?

Do you generally struggle to control yourself? What sort of messages did you spam him with? I think he’s probably as confused as the rest of us about what’s going on with you. 

He bought something expensive (or at least claimed) the week prior so I thought he has access to money and could pay me back so I made an excuse to get it back. He is the one who insisted it be a loan/debt and not just a gift. If he was a scammer wouldn't he just said "thanks for the gift" then right after sending the last payment block/go ghost. He only went ghost now and ignored me when I kept asking/having a panic attack. In the Snapchat messages he thought it was someone else then acknowledged it was me cause my name was on it, then 3 mins later was like "whats going on". So I am not sure if I am being ghosted/ignored because he scammed or he is too embarrassed to admit that he does not have the money and is trying to avoid conflict especially when I blew up (he is on vacation). He didn't break up with me or anything. He simply just stopped replying to my many messages and attempts. Do you think if I stop hassling him and leave him alone/give space he will eventually talk and explain himself or did he take the money and vanish?

I also want to address that due to previous relationships where I got cheated on and used I have developed high anxiety and trust issues. The reason why we broke up before was because I used to accuse him of cheating all the time with no context. Hence why I was a s***ty GF. My ex was an actual scammer who defrauded luxury brands such as Gucci and LV, also would sell stolen MacBooks (he would basically buy these items, have it shipped, claim it never shipped and keep it) he was an actual fraud and also cheated on me. My current BF seems like a very decent guy and genuinely kind (i dont know if its a front or the real him). I also don't understand why he can not reply. But given the context of the Snapchat messages I am assuming he is going to pretend he never saw the other messages (too embarrassed to be confronted about it). I don't understand why he would reply there then go ghost again. I really can not make out if I got scammed or if he's avoiding conflict especially when I low key went psycho.

Edited August 23, 2020 by xforeverlove99

[Versacehottie]

37 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

The confusing part is that even after I loaned him the money he would still talk and always engage in conversation. He's the one who insisted that he would repay me and I thought he has access to money since he was not able to access his bank over seas but now that he is back home I thought he would be able to get it. The last time he talked to me was on Monday and he engaged the conversation and told me he misses me (he is back home/on vacation). Then the day after this is when I asked for the money then no reply, so I asked again politely and he didn't get back so on Thursday I had a panic attack and spammed him with over 40 messages. Then reached out on Snapchat on Friday to which he said the convo above. The last conversation I sent was last night apologizing for jeopardizing the relationship, told him I figured the school thing out and if he wants to ever talk to me again then I will no longer mention that topic and want things to be the way they were. I also told him I will stop spamming and give him space.

Oh no.  You are acting crazy. 40 messages & a fake snapchat is stalker territory.  Here's the thing: you can't have dignity in this the way you are handling it.  That's one reason he is treating you badly from it.  You threw yourself under the bus with crazy behavior and then with ANOTHER flip flop (again giving credence to using the "money" issue as a way to try to control him into talking to you) by now NO LONGER NEEDING IT BACK AND willing to do ANYTHING if he will just talk to you again.

Ironically, although this is a different poster name, there is a girl with your same exact issue a few weeks ago: boyfriend in a different country, supposedly with plenty of money but no access to it, that she lent him her school money etc.  The big difference is the dollar amount--hers was supposedly $150 and yours is $2600--other than that the situations were dramatically similar! You should look for her thread if you haven't seen it already 

Anyhow....I don't know if you will get your money back.  I definitely don't think he will treat you better after this fiasco.  If he's anything like the guy in the "other girl's" thread I mentioned, he was a scam artist from the beginning and just like her, you should have never given him your money.  All I can really say is good luck.  There's nothing left to "do".

[ShyViolet]

2 minutes ago, xforeverlove99 said:

My current BF seems like a very decent guy and genuinely kind (i dont know if its a front or the real him). I also don't understand why he can not reply. But given the context of the Snapchat messages I am assuming he is going to pretend he never saw the other messages (too embarrassed to be confronted about it). I don't understand why he would reply there then go ghost again. I really can not make out if I got scammed or if he's avoiding conflict especially when I low key went psycho.

I'm not sure that he's still your "current BF" if he's not replying to you.  He is probably realizing that you have mental issues.  You've probably scared him off by now with this erratic behavior.  Are you getting help for your mental issues?

[xforeverlove99]

1 minute ago, ShyViolet said:

OP,  it almost sounds like some of the things you have done were part of manic episodes.

 

2 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

boyfriend in a different country, supposedly with plenty of money but no access to it, that she lent him her school money etc.  The big difference is the dollar amount--hers was supposedly $150 and yours is $2600--other than that the situations were dramatically similar! 

Wait was she in a long distance relationship?

I have dated this guy before (we met in Canada and he lives here as do I and  only went back home now for a 1 month trip to visit family) and he was a perfectly normal boyfriend who introduced me to all his friends and would pay for every single date and constantly talk to me. We got back together after a 5 month off period where I truly changed and learned from my mistakes.

[xforeverlove99]

2 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

I'm not sure that he's still your "current BF" if he's not replying to you.  He is probably realizing that you have mental issues.  You've probably scared him off by now with this erratic behavior.  Are you getting help for your mental issues?

I used to have way worse mental issues (I'll admit that I used to be a former adderall addict and quit cold turkey a month ago) before where I would accuse him of cheating with zero context (the first time we dated) and he couldn't handle it anymore so he broke it off. I think it was a mix of those pills and my experience from before that causes me to panic.