How to handle this mess?

[Inez]

Sorry guys, long text ahead. My ex boyfriend and I were supposed to travel together this summer to give our relationship a new try. We have had a bad habit in the past that we rushed into things (due to him moving things very fast). This time, we said that we'd travel together for a while and see how it goes, but didn't set a specific end date. He already had a set itinerary and I would join him when he came to my country. We're both working freelance, so we're flexible with our work. 

First he didn't want to be in touch before we met, which I was fine with. As the time of our meetup approached, we had the first hickups. Both times he broke up with me after a disagreement. He keeps saying he's tired of taking my no's. He has broken up with me in the past too, but took me back when I showed enough remorse. That he could break up with me so easily put me off. The second time in two weeks that he ended it over the phone, I didn't cry and beg, but took his word for it. He coldly wished me well. Next day I got a message from him that he wanted to give me some presents that he had brought with him. As he was already in my country, I agreed to travel to where he was and give it a try. 

He had prepared the hotel room beautifully with all the presents, but I was still in turmoil. He was very sweet and affectionate, but when he wanted to take it further that night, I wasn't ready for it. He didn't accept this, and we ended up sleeping together. He was then unhappy that I wasn't more into it. At that point I felt deflated. However, his birthday was coming up, and I had already booked a weekend at a nice place to celebrate him. We ended up going, but continued to have hickups. 

He is usually very sunny, friendly and polite with everyone he meets, but can also be quick to anger. Afterwards he will act like nothing happened and be back to his sunny self. At breakfast one morning he was offended that he was asked to disinfect his hands due to the current situation. Then he was unpleasant with the waiters because new measures meant he couldn't serve himself at the breakfast buffet. He will sometimes openly comment on other peoples weight, age etc, while often praising his own slim figure and that he looks younger than his age. He is quite a bit older than me. 

He often points out that I talk a lot, and sometimes he will abruptly end a subject. He also has a tendency of interrupting me or steering the conversation back to himself. At times he plainly ignores me or change the subject into something else if he doesn't like what I'm saying. This last bit he improved in after I pointed it out, but it still happens. When I want to talk things over, he will sometimes dismiss me saying he wasted too much time over the years with my circle talk and that I've had plenty of free psychiatric counselling from him. That I cause him so much stress and that I'm unbearable at times and the most demanding girlfriend he has ever had. But also that he's never loved anyone as much as he loves me. 

Then sometimes he will say hurtful things and then switch back to a generic topic like nothing has happened. When I go silent because what he says makes me sad, he will complain that I'm withdrawn. Sometimes he will bring up old conflicts from the past. Lately he brought up something my mum and I did which he didn't agree with, repeatedly saying we're small people making small decisions. But when things are good, he showers me with compliments, shows genuine interest in what I say and be extremely attentive, tender and loving. This is the side of him that I love. 

The day before his birthday, we had another blowup. He wanted to have sex and I wanted us to use a condom. He has not gotten tested after his previous relationship. He has this attitude that whether he gets sick or not is in the end up to God, and that I'm a hygiene freak and too fright oriented. He begrudgingly agreed to wear one, but then things were already a bit off. He was angry by my lack of feeling, told me I had a dying fish stare and scolded me before going to bed, more or less breaking things off. I told him he makes me feel like the scum of the earth and he didn't even object to this. Later, when I confronted him about it, he appologized though and said he wanted to improve himself. 

The next day was his birthday and I know this day is important to him. I didn't want to leave on these bad terms, and so I tried to be cordial and give him the birthday presents I prepared. After this, he was surprisingly warm towards me, just like nothing happened the night before. We continued our travels. However, once in a while he would mention how he keeps having moments where he doubt we will make it. But other times he talks about how we will travel back to his home country together and start our life down there. I don't know what to think. 

I feel like our original idea of travelling together for a while and not rush it has turned into something else. That I either stay with him for his entire travels or that we will be over. I feel like travelling together for weeks and months without a break is a bit much pressure. Especially as it's his itinerary and his car, and I just came along for the ride. He likes to travel fast and his days are long, which can be overwhelming. He has been open to some of my wishes along the way, but he has also reminded me that he has adjusted his travels a lot to accommodate me. If I suggest that he travel on his own for a bit just to ease the pressure, he accuses me of fleeing real life and wanting to always live in a fairytale. 

It culminated as he wanted to travel on to a country which was recently listed by my country as a no go region due to the corona virus infection rate. This means my insurance doesn't cover me and I will need to qurantine if I travel to other neighbouring countries. He has little regard for measurements like quarantine and hand disinfectants, and thinks that I'm making mountains out of mole hills. The day before he wanted us to cross the border I tried to air my concerns. He would have none of it. When I didn't relent, he said I made him angry with my fright talk and ended the conversation. He assured me he would stand by my side if I would got sick and drive me back to my home country if need be. 

I thought I could make it to cross the border with him the next day, but it just didn't feel right. I told him this, and said I wanted to meet up again in the next country on his itinerary which is deemed safe for travels. He said that either I continue to travel with him or it will be over between us for good and I should never contact him again. That I for once need to step over my own shadow and not just flee whenever a difficult situation comes up. Eventually, I decided not to join him. A while after he drove away, he rang me. I had forgotten a book that he gave me in the car and he said he was willing to drive back and give it to me if I was prepared to continue with him. I declined. He said he would be prepared to resume with me if I was willing to travel to where he is within the next few days, if not we would be over for good. 

I just can't understand how he is willing to end things because of this? He says I have left him in the lurch and spoiled his holiday. I know that there's way too much drama, but I haven't mentioned all the happy moments. His love and affection, and all the kind things he does for me. He has also stressed that he's aware of his flaws and wants to change for me. I feel like I can't think straight, but my gut feeling tells me it's a mistake to meet up with him again? Very thankful for some outside perspective. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. it's unsatisfying to depressing to date egomaniacs. Let him go so you can be happy rather than d feel like you are in dog obedience school trying to jump through his self-serving hoops.

[ExpatInItaly]

Good heavens. Traveling with this man to remedy the relationship is like spitting beside a bon fire to extinguish it. 

This is a toxic relationship, OP. The happy moments should not be enough to override the blatant disrespect and disdain he has toward you. He treats you poorly far too often, and everything is on his terms. He only appears to like you when you’re compliant with him.

In short, you need to ask yourself where the heck your backbone is and why you tolerate this jerk. This isn’t love. It’s control and manipulation. How much more time are you going to waste on this unhealthy relationship?

[ShyViolet]

This is a toxic relationship and this man is abusive.  The "happy moments" are not enough to make up for the abusive nature of the relationship as a whole.  You need to stay away from this guy, end it for good.  And once you are out of this abusive situation, you seriously need to get yourself into therapy to work on why on earth you would stay in an abusive relationship for as long as you did.

[kismetkismet]

Whoa, this guy is manipulative and narcissistic.. RUN do not walk. He's manipulating and controlling you with threats of leaving and hot and cold behaviour. He pressures you into sex. He constantly shames you and then punishes you for responding to his cruelty. He shows no interest in you or your life... Then he turns around and showers you with love and affection to bring you back around. These are the beginning signs of emotional abuse https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse#control-and-shame 

[Mystery4u]

Take this advice from someone who has enough relationship experience to write a book.

You need to end things with him. The good times are not a cover up for all the bad times. You two have WAY too many bad times for this to be a long lasting, loving relationship.

I've been there, done that. People who are meant to be together don't break up and make up all the time. If there is a disagreement they talk about it, come to a compromise, and move forward. They NEVER break up.

This is a toxic relationship that you need to get out of so you can find someone who appreciates you for you.

[MarieDuval]

Oh my, this was hard to read. I'm sorry you're in such a toxic and unhealthy relationship. Follow your gut and don't meet up with him again. Cut all ties if you can. He's bad news and you can do better!!

[smackie9]

I see you figure you need to fix, repair and make things better...but if you haven't noticed, every time you do that, he makes sure he manipulates you, gaslights, and creates more confusion to keep you on your seat. This is abuse/control. He knows the only way to keep you in a place of willingness, is to say and do those things to you. Keep you messed up. Get your head on straight, this isn't what being in love is.

[Inez]

Thank you everyone, obviously I'm in so deep, I haven't really seen it for what it is. I'm always second guessing myself around this guy, and like one of you pointed out, I'm confused by his behaviour, constantly wanting to please him. Not healthy. Your outside perspective is a much needed wake up call. Now I'm no longer feeling bad about letting him travel on by himself and I realised it's for the best. 

[kendahke]

I'm sorry, but I see nothing in what you wrote that would lead me to tell you to give him any more chances, any more time or any more of your youth.

There is nothing to be confused about except you wanting him to be someone he clearly is incapable of being. Stop doing that.

He is what he is and that's all he is. He's not going to be whoever it is you need for him to be.

Let him go.