Pop_Pam Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 My boyfriend [39] is taking care of his elderly but otherwise healthy mom after his dad passed away 5 yrs ago. He used to visit her on weekends before but since his job became remote, he’s back home now. I thought up a funny thought experiment the other day, asking him who’d he bring along on a deserted island. He answered, “My mom and dog”. I joked, “so you don’t want me around, then”. We laughed it off and he said of course I’d bring you. Normally I wouldn’t even put thought into something so silly but that exchange carried a greater import in light of my bf’s other behaviors...He loves his mom but I get the feeling he hasn’t cut the apron strings yet. He told me when his dad passed away he had to adopt his father’s responsibilities - one of which is caring for his mom. Don’t get me wrong, I admire that he’s loving and caring but where does that put me in his life? Every time we plan a vacation, his mom is included somehow. He’s done it with exes too. He wants her to live with us/near us when we have kids. In a recent argument, he told me he’d go to jail for his mom and if I forced him to choose between me and his mom I’d never win. This is all just worrisome to me because I don’t think he will ever prioritize me if we get married. I don’t want his mom looming in the picture like a second wife. I don’t want to live with her but I am open to her living near us. Am I just really fussy? TL:DR; I think my boyfriend of 8 months is overly involved in his mother’s life. I’m worried it’s going to cause problems with anything serious materializing down the line. Should I leave or stay?
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Pop_Pam said: I thought up a funny thought experiment the other day, asking him who’d he bring along on a deserted island. He answered, “My mom and dog”. I joked, “so you don’t want me around, then”. We laughed it off and he said of course I’d bring you. Let's be honest, this wasn't just a random funny experiment, was it? It was a test to see how he'd answer, in light of the concerns you have about his mother. It sounds like they're very enmeshed, and he doesn't see any issue with it. He wants it that way. So while he's right that you can force him to choose between you and her, you can choose to opt out of a life in which his mom will play a very significant role. Personally, I would not sign up for this. I say this coming from the point of view of having a partner who looks after his elderly mom too. He took her in when she had no place else to go after his parents split a few years ago. So yes, she lives at his house now. (This is not unusual in the country where we live either, elderly parents moving in with adult children in their later years) The big difference here is that he does have boundaries with her, and they have their own space - both physically and figuratively. He and I have alone time, and plenty of activities and holidays that don't involve her at all. It works. Had I sensed that Mamma still had a lot of influence on him? I wouldn't have proceeded. You can express your concerns to him and see how he responds, but I sense that he will not be willing to meet you half-way. Edited August 22, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 46 minutes ago, Pop_Pam said: I get the feeling he hasn’t cut the apron strings yet. How long have you been dating? He lives with his mother? Run 1
smackie9 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 You didn't have to do any $#@% test to see that this will always be his plan. 8 months is long enough, nothing is going to change. Face the reality that he needs to go. 1
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 You are worried about the Mom but you probably come after the dog too. These things said in jest are often true... I would cut and run just like his exes did I guess. Or maybe they got binned in favour of dear Mama... 1
kismetkismet Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Yikes. He's made it pretty clear that she is number one and she's not going anywhere. Unless you're happy being in a 3-way relationship with him and his mother for the rest of your life, I'd cut and run. 1
JTSW Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 5 hours ago, Pop_Pam said: Every time we plan a vacation, his mom is included somehow. You will never have a vacation alone. You will never have any kind of celebration alone. She will be there Christmas, birthdays. She will be involved in everything. This is not the kind of relationship I would want to be in.
ShyViolet Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Basically you're going to have to decide whether you are ok living like this indefinitely, because it probably won't change. Me personally, I would find this situation too weird and I wouldn't put up with it.
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