Loving a man with low self esteem

[stel92]

Hi, new member here 

We aren't a couple, but 'he' is showing behaviours of low self esteem. Mainly self depreciating talk and downplaying his ability and value in life. It's been ongoing for the last 6-12 months, but before that not so much. He has had a few sessions with a psych but I wonder if it's doing much as months later, he's still saying he's a failure and not a success in life. Despite a college education and those types of achievements, he doesn't give himself credit. He makes conversation, will talk about how great I am, and then withdraw. He has told me if he's had bad days, (briefly) and then not discuss them for a while, instead partake in negative self talk and compare himself to me. It's almost like a cry without going into his struggles in depth. He's yet to say "I'm not ok", he just mimics those sentiments in other roundabout ways as mentioned above. Due to him not openly talking about it, does it mean he doesn't want to talk about it? Or do people who shut down actually want someone to ask?

I know him conversing and then withdrawing isn't personal and i'm not taking it as such. Though I don't have a psych background (feel free to educate me if you do) I can gather the above stems from a low self esteem, right?

Certainly no suicide talk otherwise I would be taking more immediate drastic measures to help. i have no intentions on abandoning him, I will always be a support without overstepping boundaries. I've told him in the past that I'm here.

It does hurt to see someone you care about, so intelligent, not believe in himself or have any hope that he will be successful in future. 

How do you deal with and love a man with low self esteem? 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, stel92 said:

We aren't a couple,

How do you know him? Is he a friend or coworker? You need to stop playing mother doctor and therapist and trying to force him to talk about his problems. Stop attacking him as if he is so defective he has to confess his issues to you.

What you are doing is toxic to him and toxic to you. Find other men to date and do not treat them like projects you have to fix. Fix yourself first.

[smackie9]

Sounds like he has GAD, General Anxiety Disorder. This can stem from unsupportive, unloving parents, stressful live, trauma or abuse, etc. Also there is a connection to depression. You trying to help only enables the behavior. He gets his anxiety calmed down when he talks to you. It's a coping mechanism,  a cycle the keeps repeating itself. Does any of that make sense to you?

He needs a therapist that deals with this specific kind of disorder. I suspect the reason why you haven't seen any improvement is that he isn't seeing anyone, and he has grown a dependency with you to cope with the anxiety.

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, stel92 said:

Due to him not openly talking about it, does it mean he doesn't want to talk about it? Or do people who shut down actually want someone to ask?

Probably not, no. Or at least, not with you. 

That isn't a shot at you, to be clear. But he might have others he's more comfortable opening up to and showing his more vulnerable side. 

Given that your question is how to love someone like this, is it correct to assume you would like to date him? 

[Fox Sake]

4 hours ago, stel92 said:

Hi, new member here 

We aren't a couple, but 'he' is showing behaviours of low self esteem. Mainly self depreciating talk and downplaying his ability and value in life. It's been ongoing for the last 6-12 months, but before that not so much. He has had a few sessions with a psych but I wonder if it's doing much as months later, he's still saying he's a failure and not a success in life. Despite a college education and those types of achievements, he doesn't give himself credit. He makes conversation, will talk about how great I am, and then withdraw. He has told me if he's had bad days, (briefly) and then not discuss them for a while, instead partake in negative self talk and compare himself to me. It's almost like a cry without going into his struggles in depth. He's yet to say "I'm not ok", he just mimics those sentiments in other roundabout ways as mentioned above. Due to him not openly talking about it, does it mean he doesn't want to talk about it? Or do people who shut down actually want someone to ask?

I know him conversing and then withdrawing isn't personal and i'm not taking it as such. Though I don't have a psych background (feel free to educate me if you do) I can gather the above stems from a low self esteem, right?

Certainly no suicide talk otherwise I would be taking more immediate drastic measures to help. i have no intentions on abandoning him, I will always be a support without overstepping boundaries. I've told him in the past that I'm here.

It does hurt to see someone you care about, so intelligent, not believe in himself or have any hope that he will be successful in future. 

How do you deal with and love a man with low self esteem? 

 

 

There’s only one way you can deal with it.
Encourage , appreciate , compliment. That’s all you can do.  

Steps that he can take for himself are positive affirmations. Or even some form of guided gratitude mediation. 

maybe make a list with him- he can write down all his negative feeling on himself and then draw a line to make another column , and he can try and turn each of those negative self doubts or ideas into positive ones. Every cloud has a silver lining. 

I would be encouraging him to start with a positive mantra of some sort. He only has to say it to himself, when driving , or in front of the mirror when he wakes up. The power of a positive self affirmation should not be dismissed. It’s an incredibly powerful tool that can change how he views himself. It takes work , effort and time to achieve but it’s actually incredibly easy once you start. 
 

and finally - kudos to you for sticking by someone with issues and doing whatever you can to help them and be there for him. Massive respect for that
 

[ShyViolet]

If you're not a couple, what is your relationship to this guy?  Are you in a friends-with-benefits situation?  Or is this just someone who you are interested in dating?

You are treading dangerously close to "wanting to fix him" territory.  You can't fix him and you are not his therapist.  His issues are his issues, and he has to work on them.  There's really nothing you can do from the outside to help him, except just tell him that you're there for him and you're willing to talk with him about it.

[stel92]

9 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

How do you know him? Is he a friend or coworker? You need to stop playing mother doctor and therapist and trying to force him to talk about his problems. Stop attacking him as if he is so defective he has to confess his issues to you.

What you are doing is toxic to him and toxic to you. Find other men to date and do not treat them like projects you have to fix. Fix yourself first.

Uh. I explicitly said "I'll always be a support without overstepping boundaries." Thanks for your advice, but I don't need to be fixed (or patronised). 

[stel92]

5 hours ago, Fox Sake said:

There’s only one way you can deal with it.
Encourage , appreciate , compliment. That’s all you can do.  

Steps that he can take for himself are positive affirmations. Or even some form of guided gratitude mediation. 

maybe make a list with him- he can write down all his negative feeling on himself and then draw a line to make another column , and he can try and turn each of those negative self doubts or ideas into positive ones. Every cloud has a silver lining. 

I would be encouraging him to start with a positive mantra of some sort. He only has to say it to himself, when driving , or in front of the mirror when he wakes up. The power of a positive self affirmation should not be dismissed. It’s an incredibly powerful tool that can change how he views himself. It takes work , effort and time to achieve but it’s actually incredibly easy once you start. 
 

and finally - kudos to you for sticking by someone with issues and doing whatever you can to help them and be there for him. Massive respect for that
 

Thank you for your kind words. Certainly would never abandon anyone in my life going through a hard time. It's just an incredibly fine balancing act of not wanting to overstep and make the person feel they're being forced into an emotional chat, yet wanting them to know you're there. I've told him in the past that I'm always here for a chat if he needs it, but as I've mentioned he doesn't straight up say "I need to talk", he'll more so express his low self worth via that self depreciating language. 

All very good tips that I'd happily adopt, but due to him not being overly expressive with his negative emotions, I'm not sure I'll have the opportunity to do it unless he said  "I'm not okay and I need a friend" - otherwise i just feel I'm forcing him into talking about his negative emotions that he probably doesn't want to go into, he instead prefers the roundabout approach 

[stel92]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Probably not, no. Or at least, not with you. 

That isn't a shot at you, to be clear. But he might have others he's more comfortable opening up to and showing his more vulnerable side. 

Given that your question is how to love someone like this, is it correct to assume you would like to date him? 

Yep, but that aspect of it isn't clouding my desire to be there for him. If anything, I'm extra hesitant to 'check in' and have those deep how are you chats due to how I feel and not wanting it to come across as wanting to form emotional intimacy off the back of someones struggles. He's expressed that he's seen a therapist, etc, but won't go into fine specifics. He isn't obliged to, I get that. All done in quite a roundabout way

[stel92]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Sounds like he has GAD, General Anxiety Disorder. This can stem from unsupportive, unloving parents, stressful live, trauma or abuse, etc. Also there is a connection to depression. You trying to help only enables the behavior. He gets his anxiety calmed down when he talks to you. It's a coping mechanism,  a cycle the keeps repeating itself. Does any of that make sense to you?

He needs a therapist that deals with this specific kind of disorder. I suspect the reason why you haven't seen any improvement is that he isn't seeing anyone, and he has grown a dependency with you to cope with the anxiety.

The thing is he doesn't go into deep specifics of what's actually wrong, I only get snapshots. He'll say that he saw a therapist, give some minute details and then withdraw from that subject matter. So I take it as a "I dont want to talk about it anymore" cue so I follow that, never push. As a result I don't think he's dependent on me for emotional support, he just uses a lot of that self depreciating language with me and I pick up on it, but don't question it with him as it would put him in an immediate uncomfortable position. In between a rock and a hard place 

[stel92]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If you're not a couple, what is your relationship to this guy?  Are you in a friends-with-benefits situation?  Or is this just someone who you are interested in dating?

You are treading dangerously close to "wanting to fix him" territory.  You can't fix him and you are not his therapist.  His issues are his issues, and he has to work on them.  There's really nothing you can do from the outside to help him, except just tell him that you're there for him and you're willing to talk with him about it.

We are just friends. He used to express interest in dating me but it never really happened, he doesn't know what I'm currently feeling. 

I've told him in the past that I'm here, and while he gives off little clues he isn't okay, he won't clearly state it. I'm not his therapist, hence why I hold back from initiating deep how are you chats. But I pick up on the negative self talk language and how he compares himself to me, anyone would. 

[chillii]

 

He;d already know your there for him don't think there's any need to do more and personally l think it's not a good idea to encourage too much of it anyway because he'll start using that too much . My lady has been very down on herself 12mths or so lately but she is also going through an extremely hard time right now too, l'm there for her but l don't over do it and it seems to help as she'll lift herself up again before long if we don't dwell on things . She appreciates some limits and jokes that l need to kick her bum out of it or she'd probably let herself just fall into the abyss if l let her moan and groan too much and she would too.  lf a person is in this state then they also have to find out that they'll need to lift themselves out of it and fix things themselves too and that they can't just go on laying it all onto a sympathetic ear.

Edited August 23, 2020 by chillii

[stel92]

11 minutes ago, chillii said:

 

He;d already know your there for him don't think there's any need to do more and personally l think it's not a good idea to encourage too much of it anyway because he'll start using that too much . My lady has been very down on herself 12mths or so lately but she is also going through an extremely hard time right now too, l'm there for her but l don't over do it for those reasons and it seems to help as she'll lift herself up again before long if we don't dwell on things . She appreciates some limits and jokes that l need to kick her bum out of it or she'd probably let herself just fall into the abyss if l let her moan and groan too much and she would too.  lf a person is in this state then they also have to find out that they'll need to lift themselves out of it and fix things themselves too and that they can't just go on laying it all onto a sympathetic ear.

I just hope i've done enough, considering the limited info he gives and then pulls away from the topic and we'll talk about something else. Definitely don't want to cross boundaries, it's a job for a therapist. I hope your lady turns a corner soon! 

[FudgeSwirl]

Sometimes that level of self-esteem stems from something in the past like a family member constantly putting him down as a kid or comparing him to others whether it be siblings or his friends.  That's good he sees a psych and clearly that psych doesn't see a specific mental or behavioral disorder or else he/she would have identified it.  Even though psychs can be good, I think in his case he would benefit from a therapist to debunk the root of his self-hate.  

Even though it may not seem like much, you being there for him is awesome.  Just keep refuting his negative self image but try to discourage him from comparing himself to you or anybody.  It is common for an adult with a low self-esteem to become resentful and/or jealous when he/she engages in constant comparisons with other people, especially close friends and family members.  To combat his comparison to you, maybe remind him that given his achievements and educational background he's not much different from you in terms of success.

[chillii]

2 minutes ago, stel92 said:

I just hope i've done enough, considering the limited info he gives and then pulls away from the topic and we'll talk about something else. Definitely don't want to cross boundaries, it's a job for a therapist. I hope your lady turns a corner soon! 

Thanks for that stel but yeah it'll be awhile yet there's no easy fix for her situation but that's ok , we can ride it out there is some light at the end of the tunnel . She's doing her best.

[ExpatInItaly]

Based on what you’ve written, he sees you as a friend but not a confidante. It appears he’s keeping some boundaries and doesn’t wish to share his problems or thoughts more deeply. He knows you’re there for him. 

As such, I think all you can offer is some friendly support. It doesn’t seem it’s going to develop into anything more, so I wouldn’t stress about how to show your love. If he’s not open to receiving it, there’s not much more you can do. It sounds like he just wants to be friends. 

[amerikajin]

OP, I'm just curious about your bottom line. Not trying to be rude, but are you concerned about him as a friend and nothing more or do you see the possibilities of getting romantic at some point?

The reason it matters is that if you unwittingly send signals that you're romantically interested but then, for whatever reason, decide the situation is too much or just not interested, it might trigger even more negative feelings.

I'd keep in touch as a friend but keep a healthy level of distance and encourage him to get some counseling.

[Lotsgoingon]

13 hours ago, stel92 said:

How do you deal with and love a man with low self esteem? 

Actually you have to be careful here. It's not your job to be his mother or his helper. It's one thing if you're married 20 years to a well-coping person who then hits a tough spot. In that case, you want to show compassion and hang in there and even help the person get help.

But not as a young person. In fact, you really have the right to disrupt his self-deprecating lines. The next time he utters one of those putdowns--which must be awfully awkward for you to hear--you should be direct, "look if you don't feel you are worthy of dating me, then this isn't going to work. I do not appreciate you putting yourself down."

I'ma cut to the quick: you'll likely need to dump this guy. Gaining self esteem, stopping with the self-deprecating and the comparisons to you (with him coming up short) ... that's all a problem that will require YEARS of serious work on his part. This is not one of those matters where he can just change his mind. No, he's got deep-seated problems. Doesn't mean he is bad. But he won't have the skill to be a good romantic partner. He's already abandoning himself with the putdowns--so he can't but abandon you. 

He has to go to therapy and get some serious help on his own. Not for you, not with your encouragement or applause--but for himself! In the meantime, disrupt him. Tell him you don't appreciate the way he puts himself down. Don't say this as if it's unfair to him--say this like it's odd and uncomfortable and offputting to you! 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, stel92 said:

We are just friends. He used to express interest in dating me but it never really happened, he doesn't know what I'm currently feeling.

But you love him? Sounds more like he's friend zoned you but you are holding out hope.

All this self effacement sounds more like an "It's me, not you" way of keeping you at a distance.

The bottom line seems to be he's just not that into you.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

All this self effacement sounds more like an "It's me, not you" way of keeping you at a distance.

The bottom line seems to be he's just not that into you.

That's rather how I'm interpreting it, too.