DrasticMeasurements Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 I’m 26 and never been on a date and I attribute a lot of it to listening to bad advice because I didn’t go after girls I’m more compatible with. My biggest issue is that I’m unable to flirt or banter when I’m with a girl I like. In fact, I struggle with humor and don’t know how to be naturally funny in a conversation. In other words, I have the qualities of a good husband, but not of a boyfriend. I tell the truth and treat people with respect. I value hard work instead of going to loud parties and clubs. I’m also socially conservative and Christian and I prefer someone with that belief system. In other words, I’m not interested in “having fun and dating a lot of people”, I just want to settle down with one person. I’ve been depressed about loneliness although it has gotten better because of relief from looking at someone whom I thought was “perfect”, which is the subject of the next paragraph. Recently (starting last November) I was scrolling through FB looking through mutual friends of someone I knew and then ran into a page of a girl who was EXTREMELY pretty and I felt shared my views. That day I lost appetite and couldn’t sleep because I saw her as a dream girl that I missed out on since she just married someone else. A few days later, I found her Twitter and I felt relieved when I saw she “liked” a Tweet from Beto O’Rourke criticizing Trump. Somehow I also found photos of her, tagged on Instagram, partying with alcohol and things got better. Because I started to realize that she wasn’t that “goody-two-shoed Christian girl” who “got away”. I probably believe this “investigative” work is related to my Asperger’s (And ISTJ) because I’m obsessed with the details and make judgements out of facts. Nobody is perfect, and that means there’s no person worth idolizing like they’re the ticket to a wonderful life. Besides from that, I’m looking into moving into another city (once COVID-19) is over and finding a good church community where I can meet the right person who doesn’t prefer a fun guy but rather a kind person.
stel92 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 9 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said: I’m 26 and never been on a date and I attribute a lot of it to listening to bad advice because I didn’t go after girls I’m more compatible with. My biggest issue is that I’m unable to flirt or banter when I’m with a girl I like. In fact, I struggle with humor and don’t know how to be naturally funny in a conversation. In other words, I have the qualities of a good husband, but not of a boyfriend. I tell the truth and treat people with respect. I value hard work instead of going to loud parties and clubs. I’m also socially conservative and Christian and I prefer someone with that belief system. In other words, I’m not interested in “having fun and dating a lot of people”, I just want to settle down with one person. I’ve been depressed about loneliness although it has gotten better because of relief from looking at someone whom I thought was “perfect”, which is the subject of the next paragraph. Recently (starting last November) I was scrolling through FB looking through mutual friends of someone I knew and then ran into a page of a girl who was EXTREMELY pretty and I felt shared my views. That day I lost appetite and couldn’t sleep because I saw her as a dream girl that I missed out on since she just married someone else. A few days later, I found her Twitter and I felt relieved when I saw she “liked” a Tweet from Beto O’Rourke criticizing Trump. Somehow I also found photos of her, tagged on Instagram, partying with alcohol and things got better. Because I started to realize that she wasn’t that “goody-two-shoed Christian girl” who “got away”. I probably believe this “investigative” work is related to my Asperger’s (And ISTJ) because I’m obsessed with the details and make judgements out of facts. Nobody is perfect, and that means there’s no person worth idolizing like they’re the ticket to a wonderful life. Besides from that, I’m looking into moving into another city (once COVID-19) is over and finding a good church community where I can meet the right person who doesn’t prefer a fun guy but rather a kind person. Are there dating websites tailored to Christianity? Probably your best shot as it would narrow down the market to exactly what you're looking for
normal person Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 10 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said: My biggest issue is that I’m unable to flirt or banter when I’m with a girl I like. In fact, I struggle with humor and don’t know how to be naturally funny in a conversation. In other words, I have the qualities of a good husband, but not of a boyfriend. I tell the truth and treat people with respect. Being unable to flirt has nothing to do with having the qualities of a husband over a boyfriend, or telling the truth and treating people with respect. Men can both be able to flirt and be amazing boyfriends, husbands, trustworthy, and respectful. I'm not sure why you think otherwise. 10 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said: I probably believe this “investigative” work is related to my Asperger’s (And ISTJ) because I’m obsessed with the details and make judgements out of facts. Nobody is perfect, and that means there’s no person worth idolizing like they’re the ticket to a wonderful life. Besides from that, I’m looking into moving into another city (once COVID-19) is over and finding a good church community where I can meet the right person who doesn’t prefer a fun guy but rather a kind person. I would bet a lot of money that your primary issue isn't finding the right church community, but rather overcoming your inability to have a natural, funny, flirty conversation, which I'm sure is a result of your Asperger's. Even the most pious girls out there aren't going to want to be with you if you don't have an appealing personality. Whether or not you're trustworthy and honorable doesn't matter until a woman feels engaged with and attracted to you. And she usually doesn't feel that unless 1). She's physically attracted to and/or 2). you excite her sensibilities somehow by being impressive, funny, interesting, or whatever else she likes. I don't want to say that your desire to find a nice Christian girl who doesn't drink or anything isn't going to be an issue (because by your age, lots have engaged in some debauchery so your dating pool is going to be incredibly small as it is), because it will be a hurdle eventually. Before you deal with that, you need to deal with the bigger issue, which is your Asperger's. There are resources out there that can help you learn some of the unspoken rules of social cues and whatnot. If you can't understand those, it's going to be a very long, frustrating, up hill battle for you. Figure that out first and the rest will be easier. Best of luck. 2
smackie9 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Unfortunately your disorders are your barriers to be on an emotional level (which women are like and desire), to have "connection" and find "chemistry" with someone. Leafing through dating sites, and social media for the "perfect" candidate is not going to meet your goal. You need to take it a step further with therapy so you can lean to navigate social cues. That will indeed get you closer to being able to flirt, have friendly banter, etc. 1
Author DrasticMeasurements Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 3 hours ago, normal person said: usually doesn't feel that unless 1). She's physically attracted to and/or 2). you excite her sensibilities somehow by being impressive, funny, interesting, or whatever else she likes. I don't want to say that your desire to find a nice Christian girl who doesn't drink or anything isn't going to be an issue (because by your age, lots have engaged in some debauchery so your dating pool is going to be incredibly small as it is), because it will be a hurdle eventually. Before you deal with that, you need to deal with the bigger issue, which is your Asperger's. There are resources out there that can help you learn some of the unspoken rules of social cues and whatnot. If you can't understand those, it's going to be a very long, frustrating, up hill battle for you. Figure that out first and the rest will be easier. Best of luck. Well, physical attraction is what I’m aiming to project because I’m currently working out during this pandemic season and hope to make it down to 185 lbs (halfway done with 30 lbs lost). I’ve been to therapy and still can’t understand flirting because I’m supposed to be subtle while hinting that I’d like a relationship. Hinting that I want to date can come off as desperate, though that also depends on how good looking the guy is because with an ugly and handsome guy said the same things to a girl, she’d be creeped out by the former and charmed by the latter. I live in Texas and I believe the quantity of “good Christian women” is more than you’re suggesting because it’s more conservative than New York. I know some Christian girls who’ve dated the douchey charming guys but they’ve usually leaned liberal and don’t take their religion seriously. Hence, that’s why I mentioned moving (I’m in Brownsville and thinking of relocating to Cypress or Woodlands).
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 4 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said: though that also depends on how good looking the guy is because with an ugly and handsome guy said the same things to a girl, she’d be creeped out by the former and charmed by the latter. She won't be charmed by a guy that can't flirt or do banter, no matter how good looking he is. Yes lose weight, yes work out but do not think all that gives you a pass on your social skills. 3
Author DrasticMeasurements Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: She won't be charmed by a guy that can't flirt or do banter, no matter how good looking he is. Yes lose weight, yes work out but do not think all that gives you a pass on your social skills. That’s if she has low self esteem. Those are the type of girls who date and cheat with multiple partners because the only focus is how “charming they are”. Like I said, I’m looking for conservative Christian women who aren’t into flirty playboys. The Bible speaks about finding a mate who is kind, loving, peaceful and walks with the Spirit of God.
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 1 minute ago, DrasticMeasurements said: That’s if she has low self esteem. Those are the type of girls who date and cheat with multiple partners because the only focus is how “charming they are”. NO, these are just normal girls. If you are not charming, can't flirt or entertain they will all pass you by. Christian or not. 1
Author DrasticMeasurements Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) 9 minutes ago, elaine567 said: NO, these are just normal girls. If you are not charming, can't flirt or entertain they will all pass you by. Christian or not. You’ve never met real Christian people. They’re a lot different and don’t think it’s normal to cheat or be whoring around. Relationships are more than just flirtation. And I’m unable to learn how to flirt or banter because it’s so confusing so I can’t just end up single forever due to just this. Edited August 22, 2020 by DrasticMeasurements
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 3 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said: You’ve never met real Christian people. They’re a lot different and don’t think it’s normal to cheat or be whoring around. And other people do???? Yes if you refuse to learn social skills then you may just end up alone...
Author DrasticMeasurements Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, elaine567 said: And other people do???? Yes if you refuse to learn social skills then you may just end up alone... I’ve already tried learning flirting and teasing and it doesn’t work for me. My brain is different than most people. Have you studied Asperger’s Syndrome? it shouldn’t like you never met the people I talked about. Edited August 22, 2020 by DrasticMeasurements
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 1 hour ago, DrasticMeasurements said: I live in Texas and I believe the quantity of “good Christian women” is more than you’re suggesting Continue your health and fitness improvement plan. ask a good friend or family member for a recommendation to buy some updated clothes. Get to a barber to update your hair/facial hair and get suggestions. Also practice just chitchatting with women as friends, no pressure. People at the store, in everyday life etc. Get on some Christian dating apps and get a good photo and profile. look for local women and set up some coffee dates. 1
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 I have met many Christian people and they are very often just like everyone else. I do not think they will necessarily give you a special pass because you have Asperger's, but some might. You need to identify your strengths and work on those, as they may be attractive to women and give you an "in"... 1
kismetkismet Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 3 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said: "You’ve never met real Christian people. They’re a lot different and don’t think it’s normal to cheat or be whoring around" Quotes like this make me think you may be a bit harsh and off putting. Women that like charming men are not automatically cheaters with low self esteem that 'whore around' - that's a pretty offensive thing to say. Sometimes they just want someone they can laugh and chat with. Laughing and having a good time are not immoral things that only liberal non-christians enjoy. 2 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 I feel your best bet will be involving yourself in a Christian charity or group (not just a congregation). If you are protestant, sign up for ministries through the church like mentoring youth or outreach to homeless or incarcerated persons. Within men's groups, let the other men know you are seeking a wife. Larger churches have more variety of group activities. If Catholic, there are several pious lay organizations within the Catholic church like Knights of Columbus, Opus Dei, many more. If you can sing, join the choir. Your lady will either see you in action living out your faith, which will attract her -OR- other church members will get to know you and introduce you to someone they feel would be a good match. I think some churches even have singles groups.
normal person Posted August 27, 2020 Posted August 27, 2020 On 8/22/2020 at 3:36 PM, DrasticMeasurements said: You’ve never met real Christian people. They’re a lot different and don’t think it’s normal to cheat or be whoring around. Most people of any religion don't think that's "normal" or acceptable. On 8/22/2020 at 3:36 PM, DrasticMeasurements said: And I’m unable to learn how to flirt or banter because it’s so confusing so I can’t just end up single forever due to just this. Women aren't going to overlook something about you just because you don't like the circumstances of it. No one's going to give you a free pass on the grounds that life isn't fair. So assuming that women aren't going to care that you can't read social cues is setting yourself up for failure. Try a socialization program that teaches people on the spectrum these sorts of things. 1
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