TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Just had a first date with a guy, and it was nice. I thought so anyway....it felt like we had a good rapport. My date was cute, smart, and polite. Very cool. So, we hung out for about 6 hours, pretty much just talking. There was light, casual touching, but brief and on the shoulder, the thigh, the arm. But...he never made a move. And considering some of our conversations prior to meeting. , I definitely would have expected a move. So, we got to the end of the date. No kiss. And no mention of a second date...or "We should do this again sometime" or anything like that. My thoughts were that either a) he just wasn't interested or b) he was being particularly polite and respectful. My leaning was toward A. I texted him when I got home, and he/we continued conversation via texting. So, my thought was that at least he wasn't ghosting, so maybe he wasn't so disinterested after all. He mentioned that I looked nice. Okay...good. So, I start to swing the other direction and think....well maybe he was just being a gentleman. Then, at some point, he asks a very sexual question. Uhhhhhh.....I'm sorry, what? Now, I am all sorts of confused. If he didn't kiss me because he was trying to be respectful, it seems odd that he would make that comment. If he isn't interested, it is odd that he would make that comment. But, if all he is in it for is a good-time/hookup....I would have assumed he would have put on the moves on the actual date. I'm just so confused, and not sure what to do from here.
Calmandfocused Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Never have sexual conversations with men you don’t know and have never met. It muddies boundaries and expectations especially if a relationship is what you’re searching for. You can’t solely blame this post first date boundary violation on him. You gave him the green light to do so. Are you searching for a relationship op? If so make that clear on the second date If and when that happens. Also there’s nothing wrong in asking him what he’s looking for. If you’re not on the same page terminate ASAP and move on. 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Did he suggest another date or just bring up sex while texting?
Mystery4u Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Sounds like he was just a bit reserved on the date. Messaging is a lot more safe so he can test the waters sexually to see how you respond. It's only been one date, don't overthink things or overexpect. Let things happen naturally. Arrange another date and go with the flow. 2
schlumpy Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 You should be thrilled. You were disappointed that he didn't make a move. How do you like him now?
Andy_K Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 You don’t spend 6 hours with someone you don’t want to see again unless you really have to. Maybe he felt you didn’t respond very warmly to light touching, eye contact etc on the date. His sexual comment afterwards then, is effectively a Hail Mary.
d0nnivain Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I understand why you are confused. It is easier to be bold with a device between you -- texting or talking. In person he was probably just scared. Go on a second date & see how this plays out. It took my husband until our 3rd date to kiss me. 1
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, kendahke said: What was the remark? Yeah, what was the sexual comment he made? I find that odd, you have what would be considered a high quality date - hours talking, he was respectful and polite, no kiss which is ok, he liked you and was nervous, not uncommon. To suddenly after getting home, going sexual on you in a text message? Just my take, but sounds like he likes you A LOT, which scares him, makes him feel vulnerable, so he resorts to sexually objectifying you which makes him feel more in control, and less vulnerable. Just a guess but I have read that men will sometimes do that (sexually objectify) when feeling vulnerable. But again, if you could share the sexual comment he made, it would be helpful. Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Did you respond to his sexual question? If so, what did you say?
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 When a man makes an out of the blue sexual comment at the very beginning it means he doesn't care if your stay or run. He enjoyed his time with you at the date but once home he decided to not pursue you for a romantic relationship but a sexual one would be ok. Delete and move on. I have been on many dates that lasted hours and then once home decided too many things bothered me and did not pursue any further. I had dates with men that were total gentleman and once I told them I did not feel a strong connection enough to continue they became pervs and suggested sex. It means nothing that this guy stayed on a 6 hour date. 3
Hotmess118 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I think that it's too soon to really say anything. You're still feeling each other out and I think it's pretty common to not kiss on the first date even when you like someone. If you like him arrange another date and see how you feel after that.
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 18 minutes ago, Gaeta said: When a man makes an out of the blue sexual comment at the very beginning it means he doesn't care if your stay or run. He enjoyed his time with you at the date but once home he decided to not pursue you for a romantic relationship but a sexual one would be ok. Delete and move on. I have been on many dates that lasted hours and then once home decided too many things bothered me and did not pursue any further. I had dates with men that were total gentleman and once I told them I did not feel a strong connection enough to continue they became pervs and suggested sex. It means nothing that this guy stayed on a 6 hour date. That's interesting, this is the exact opposite of what I posted! But who knows. You may be right, I may be right, impossible to know for certain. However, I have read and heard that when men (some, certainly not all) like a woman so much, he feels vulnerable and to make himself feel less vulnerable, resorts to sexually objectifying her. I'm not making that up, but again who knows. And they did spend six hours together which would suggest he liked her. I'd still like to know what the sexual comment was and how OP responded! Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields
lurker74 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Not making a move could be his shyness or it could be politeness or it could be Covid. I can't speak to the sexual question but I disagree with @Gaeta that it has to be negative (i.e. that he doesn't care if you stay or run). In typical dating scenarios, the man has to escalate the sexual tension at an appropriate speed. Too slow and there's confusion; too fast and it's jarring. It took me a lot of time to figure out how to do it correctly and some men never do figure it out. God knows I've screwed it up more than one time. So there's a chance that he liked you, was too timid, and then when he got home he felt like he had to push a bit. Generally, if you liked him, which it sounds like you did, let him ask you out again. If he doesn't, well, listen...do you really want to invest in a man that can't make it happen? 3
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, lurker74 said: Not making a move could be his shyness or it could be politeness or it could be Covid. I can't speak to the sexual question but I disagree with @Gaeta that it has to be negative (i.e. that he doesn't care if you stay or run). In typical dating scenarios, the man has to escalate the sexual tension at an appropriate speed. Too slow and there's confusion; too fast and it's jarring. It took me a lot of time to figure out how to do it correctly and some men never do figure it out. God knows I've screwed it up more than one time. So there's a chance that he liked you, was too timid, and then when he got home he felt like he had to push a bit. Generally, if you liked him, which it sounds like you did, let him ask you out again. If he doesn't, well, listen...do you really want to invest in a man that can't make it happen? This^ is the likely scenario and makes the most sense, but again who knows. I hope OP will return with an update.
rjc149 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Sounds like he was just a bit reserved on the date. Messaging is a lot more safe so he can test the waters sexually to see how you respond. 12 minutes ago, lurker74 said: So there's a chance that he liked you, was too timid, and then when he got home he felt like he had to push a bit. ^^Pretty much. He's interested, just has no balls. He's got cyber balls, though, if that moves the needle at all. 1
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Lets clear what was the sexual comment. I would not give a chance to a guy telling me something sexually graphic over the phone after our first date. It's juvenile. I get he feels vulnerable but men are suppose to have all that under control. Women are vulnerable too and we refrain from nagging men with our insecurities, we know it will repulse them not attrack them. 1
ShyViolet Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I think you are over-analyzing this. The fact that he continued to text you and even said something sexual after the date, shows that he is still interested. Maybe he didn't make any physical moves on the first date because he was too shy, or he didn't want to come off as a jerk. I don't see a reason to be so "confused"... first dates do not always include physical intimacy, some people think it's best to wait a couple dates before physical intimacy or contact. See what happens when you go out with him again.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 Hey guys....saw someone asking for an update, so thought I would provide one; although, it's not much of an update. I will also answer some of your questions here in a bit. Anyway....I haven't heard from him today. So, I am sitting back, seeing what happens...trying not to assume. Trying not to think the worst. But, I certainly can't help but wonder. It wouldn't shock me if someone who doesn't kiss on the first date out of chivalry and/or "leave them wanting more" would also be the kind of person who waits 2-3 days to reach out, due to conventional wisdom. But, I don't want to get my hopes up either.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 8 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Never have sexual conversations with men you don’t know and have never met. It muddies boundaries and expectations especially if a relationship is what you’re searching for. You can’t solely blame this post first date boundary violation on him. You gave him the green light to do so. Are you searching for a relationship op? If so make that clear on the second date If and when that happens. Also there’s nothing wrong in asking him what he’s looking for. If you’re not on the same page terminate ASAP and move on. I'm not really blaming him, nor am I really upset about the comment. It just confuses me. If he saw me as a sexual conquest, I certainly didn't get that vibe during our date.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: Did he suggest another date or just bring up sex while texting? Well, neither. During the date itself, he was talking about doing certain things (not sexual lol) and he said "Next time." which is about the closest I got to any sort of suggestion of another date. During the texting itself, another date was not suggested, but he didn't just bring up sex either.....it was mostly normal conversation, with one slight detour to the sex comment.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 8 hours ago, Mystery4u said: Sounds like he was just a bit reserved on the date. Messaging is a lot more safe so he can test the waters sexually to see how you respond. It's only been one date, don't overthink things or overexpect. Let things happen naturally. Arrange another date and go with the flow. Yeah, I definitely hope so. I do hope we get together again....I just don't know. He didn't really come across as shy or reserved on the date. He kept eye contact well, he was talkative. He didn't act bashful or anything.
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 8 hours ago, schlumpy said: You should be thrilled. You were disappointed that he didn't make a move. How do you like him now? Nothing to say other than I love your signature line....don't close your eyes and don't hide your eyes. 1
Author TheBlingRing14 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 7 hours ago, kendahke said: What was the remark? Just figured out multi-quote function. Oops. Haha. He asked my favorite sexual position. 7 hours ago, Andy_K said: You don’t spend 6 hours with someone you don’t want to see again unless you really have to. Maybe he felt you didn’t respond very warmly to light touching, eye contact etc on the date. His sexual comment afterwards then, is effectively a Hail Mary. I hope you are right, but he may have enjoyed the 6 hours in the moment but maybe after the fact, he changed his mind....I dunno. 6 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I understand why you are confused. It is easier to be bold with a device between you -- texting or talking. In person he was probably just scared. Go on a second date & see how this plays out. It took my husband until our 3rd date to kiss me. I definitely hope for a second date. I've never had a guy delay kissing me. Ever. I guess I am just so used to it, for better or worse, that the idea of someone waiting is kind of strange to me. 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: Yeah, what was the sexual comment he made? I find that odd, you have what would be considered a high quality date - hours talking, he was respectful and polite, no kiss which is ok, he liked you and was nervous, not uncommon. To suddenly after getting home, going sexual on you in a text message? Just my take, but sounds like he likes you A LOT, which scares him, makes him feel vulnerable, so he resorts to sexually objectifying you which makes him feel more in control, and less vulnerable. Just a guess but I have read that men will sometimes do that (sexually objectify) when feeling vulnerable. But again, if you could share the sexual comment he made, it would be helpful. So, first thing's first. I don't know that it's clear that he liked me or that he was nervous. I hope that's true. And, if that's what you guys are thinking, that's great. But, I am just so used to having dates that I think go great only to have them go ghost that....I guess I just can't trust myself. I've thought guys have liked me in the past and been completely wrong, so....it's hard for me to know or believe. So, here is the context of the sexual comment: We were discussing a doctors' appointment that I had, and I mentioned that my back had been giving me problems. He asked how I was feeling, if I was feeling better. Then, his next question was "What's your favorite sexual position?" Now maybe, maaaaaaaaaaybe, the point of the comment was in relation to certain positions being better on my back than others. Maybe he had a point to it that he would have gotten to if I didn't shut it down. It was just so strangely out of left field. 6 hours ago, poppyfields said: Did you respond to his sexual question? If so, what did you say? My response was "Um what?" Then, I said that it was kind of a random question. Changed the subject for a bit, but then he commented that I hadn't answered the question. My response. "You're right. I didn't." His response. "Okay. Question withdrawn." 5 hours ago, Gaeta said: When a man makes an out of the blue sexual comment at the very beginning it means he doesn't care if your stay or run. He enjoyed his time with you at the date but once home he decided to not pursue you for a romantic relationship but a sexual one would be ok. Delete and move on. I have been on many dates that lasted hours and then once home decided too many things bothered me and did not pursue any further. I had dates with men that were total gentleman and once I told them I did not feel a strong connection enough to continue they became pervs and suggested sex. It means nothing that this guy stayed on a 6 hour date. Yeah that's the stinky thing about dating, that I alluded to above. Things can seem or even be one way in one moment, and then people thing and reflect and let things settle, and things change. It's so frustrating. 5 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: I think that it's too soon to really say anything. You're still feeling each other out and I think it's pretty common to not kiss on the first date even when you like someone. If you like him arrange another date and see how you feel after that. Yeah....well currently giving him his space....don't want to seem overeager. In my last relationship....I was very much the person initiating and arranging the dates.....I hope to not have to do that this time, but....guess we'll see. 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: That's interesting, this is the exact opposite of what I posted! But who knows. You may be right, I may be right, impossible to know for certain. However, I have read and heard that when men (some, certainly not all) like a woman so much, he feels vulnerable and to make himself feel less vulnerable, resorts to sexually objectifying her. I'm not making that up, but again who knows. And they did spend six hours together which would suggest he liked her. I'd still like to know what the sexual comment was and how OP responded! See above for the sexual comment info. I mean that theory certainly makes sense....not always but in some circumstances, I could see that being a thing. 5 hours ago, lurker74 said: Not making a move could be his shyness or it could be politeness or it could be Covid. I can't speak to the sexual question but I disagree with @Gaeta that it has to be negative (i.e. that he doesn't care if you stay or run). In typical dating scenarios, the man has to escalate the sexual tension at an appropriate speed. Too slow and there's confusion; too fast and it's jarring. It took me a lot of time to figure out how to do it correctly and some men never do figure it out. God knows I've screwed it up more than one time. So there's a chance that he liked you, was too timid, and then when he got home he felt like he had to push a bit. Generally, if you liked him, which it sounds like you did, let him ask you out again. If he doesn't, well, listen...do you really want to invest in a man that can't make it happen? So, the Covid is....a maybe, maybe not. When we met each other, he went in for a hug, I was wearing a mask. I did eventually take the mask off. He knows I am a little bit weary of the Covid thing, so....while I don't think he was too concerned about me giving him anything.....he may have thought I was still a little skittish about the virus and didn't know if I would be comfortable with it. Maybe. I hope he does. But, the longer and longer i don't hear from him, the longer I start to think he's just not that into me. 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: This^ is the likely scenario and makes the most sense, but again who knows. I hope OP will return with an update. I will keep everyone updated, for sure. Sadly not much to update right now, but we'll see. 4 hours ago, Gaeta said: Lets clear what was the sexual comment. I would not give a chance to a guy telling me something sexually graphic over the phone after our first date. It's juvenile. I get he feels vulnerable but men are suppose to have all that under control. Women are vulnerable too and we refrain from nagging men with our insecurities, we know it will repulse them not attrack them. I posted above what the comment was. 4 hours ago, ShyViolet said: I think you are over-analyzing this. The fact that he continued to text you and even said something sexual after the date, shows that he is still interested. Maybe he didn't make any physical moves on the first date because he was too shy, or he didn't want to come off as a jerk. I don't see a reason to be so "confused"... first dates do not always include physical intimacy, some people think it's best to wait a couple dates before physical intimacy or contact. See what happens when you go out with him again. If. I do find some comfort in the fact that you do believe he was still interested. But....guess we'll see. Feels like I'm being ghosted.
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