Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) I broke up with my ex going onto three years ago. We live in the same very small town and it looks like he's finally moved on and got a new girlfriend. Problem is, he's still got a bee in his bonnet where I'm concerned, and as someone who has been getting on with her own life for the past three years, I can't figure it out. Yesterday we had an 'altercation' of sorts, when I drove past his house which is on the main street of town, coming home from the ball diamonds behind the school where I used to go for walks. It's probably the first time he's even seen me on his street in months. Long story short he chased me around the corner in his truck, then parked half way down the street to watch me turn the corner to my house. Then he backed up and went back to his. He was pissed off just because I was driving down his street!! And it seemed a warning not to drive that way again. Well, I'm not taking that b.s. I have every right to drive down the street. I didn't want a face to face fight so I left him a note today telling him so and never to do that again and to leave me alone. He's also done things like come to my work to trash talk me to my co workers in an attempt to humiliate me, etc, things i just ignored and never addressed because I didn't want any contact with him. I haven't had anything to do with him for years, and here he is, pretending for all who are watching, that I'm 'bothering' him. Today I finally had enough, because he just doesn't quit, and I felt it was time to stand up for myself. He didn't want the relationship but still thought he could keep coming back and treating me like s*** and it didn't work. I shut the door in his face and never looked back, and three years later he's still fuming. Why isn't he letting this go? Why does the very sight of me seem to drive him bats*** crazy? Why is he still going behind my back pretending I'm bothering him? I'd say he isn't over me... except he wanted to end it so... why is he doing this and why won't he stop? Edited August 21, 2020 by Fair
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Was he abusive? Abusers don't let go when it's over. Get a restraining order. 4
Hotmess118 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Some people just can’t let it go. This is super immature behavior so I’m sorry you still have to deal with this after 3 years! Especially living in a small town you have to have a different mindset (him not you). If this upsets him that much then he needs to leave. When you live in a small community you really need to be able to get over things differently than if you lived in a city. His reaction isn’t normal or rational and the fact that it has persisted so long is concerning to me. I really hope that you feel ok. Do you have any recourse to protect yourself or feel like this harassment could escalate? That would be my worry but I also only know what you’ve told me.
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) Well in all fairness, he's got you quite wound up too, so perhaps you should be asking yourself these questions? Of course you have every right to be driving down his street, but since you said yourself it's the first time he's seen you drive down his street in months, was it necessary to be driving down his street? I dunno if me I wouldn't, I'd be nervous he'd see me and think I was stalking him or something, which is apparently what he DID think! Lol Anyway, I'm wondering why this pisses you off so much to start a thread. Perhaps there are unresolved feelings on both sides. Let it go, it's been three years. Stay off his street if you can since you know he's volatile and prone to blow a gasket. Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Was he abusive? Abusers don't let go when it's over. Get a restraining order. Yes. He was manipulative and emotionally abusive. He was never anyone I was ever afraid of, though. I was never scared to stand up to him.
Author Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 Just now, poppyfields said: Well in all fairness, he's got you quite wound up too, so perhaps you should be asking yourself these questions? Of course you have every right to be driving down his street, but since you said yourself it's the first time he's seen you drive down his street in months, is it necessary to be driving his street? I dunno if me I wouldn't, I'd be nervous he'd see me and think I was stalking him or something, which is apparently what he DID think! Lol Anyway, I'm wondering why this pisses you off so much to start a thread. Let it go, it's been three years. Stay off his street if you can since you knowing he's volatile and prone to blow a gasket. He's done more than that. Read the part about my work place ... he's been doing things that have been piling up. I draw the line not being able to drive wherever I want to in my own town. Yes, I have to drive down that street to get to the ball diamonds. No, I don't have feelings for him beyond being fed up with his b.s!! I was NOT expecting that, yesterday. I don't like being pushed around and intimidated. 1
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) Sorry I missed the work thing, my bad. I was just trying to play devil's advocate but get it now. Yeah, showing up at work and trash talking you, good gawd, what a loser. I don't know what you can do though, you can't get a TRO unless he threatens to physically harm you or does physically harm you so you're between a rock and a hard place there. Would you consider trying to have a talk with him, to find out what's up his butt? Don't use those words, but seriously this can't go on! Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields
Author Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 I don't want to talk to him. I just don't. I think he needs to feel important and I probably wounded his pride so he's trying to get it back at my expense. But yeah... three years!! 2
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, Fair said: I don't want to talk to him. I just don't. I think he needs to feel important and I probably wounded his pride so he's trying to get it back at my expense. But yeah... three years!! I know but trash talking you? Wait I just thought of something, you might be able to get him for defamation! Hire a lawyer from Legal Aid to write him a "cease and desist" letter, that might make him stop in his tracks. The letter should say cease and desist from showing up at your work and defaming you. If he does not stop (cease and desist), he will file a lawsuit on your behalf. There are civil laws against this. I would!! 1
Hotmess118 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 9 minutes ago, Fair said: I don't want to talk to him. I just don't. I think he needs to feel important and I probably wounded his pride so he's trying to get it back at my expense. But yeah... three years!! That’s what does it for me.... the way he’s acting is like you’ve been broken up for a couple months but it’s been three years he needs to get over himself!
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: That’s what does it for me.... the way he’s acting is like you’ve been broken up for a couple months but it’s been three years he needs to get over himself! Of course he does, but he's not going to on his own, Fair you need to take action. Like I said defaming you at work is the main thing, he's breaking the law by doing this, not a criminal act but civil law. Your causes of action would be defamation of character, intentional infliction of emotional distress, and anything else a lawyer could come up with. Your loser ex is likely unaware of these laws, he needs to be made aware! Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 2 hours ago, Fair said: I don't want to talk to him. I just don't. I think he needs to feel important and I probably wounded his pride so he's trying to get it back at my expense. But yeah... three years!! He's not "mad", he's crazy. Keep records get a restraining order. 1
Acacia98 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: That’s what does it for me.... the way he’s acting is like you’ve been broken up for a couple months but it’s been three years he needs to get over himself! Honestly, even if it had only been a few months, this wouldn't be normal behavior. This guy is unhinged and dangerous.
snowboy91 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 The sort of behaviour from him is getting to the point that could warrant legal action. (I hope) you have that up your sleeve should you ever feel in danger from him.
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 The time to get a restraining order is BEFORE there's a problem. That's the purpose of it. It would also send a firm no BS message and turn the tables so that he's the one watching his step.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) You need to contact authorities and see what (if anything) you can do at this point. How recently did he show up at your workplace? Edited August 21, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said: He's not "mad", he's crazy. Keep records get a restraining order. She can't if he hasn't threatened to physically harm her or actually physically harmed her. Has he done that Fair? If not, talk to a lawyer, you can find one for cheap at Legal Aid, have them write a "cease and desist" letter. I'm serious, the showing up at work and trash talking you is considered defamation - against the law (civil). Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields
stillafool Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Without taking legal action you are allowing him to do this to you. I would have seen a lawyer after he came to my job trash talking me. It's in your hands to make him stop. It's pretty easy. 2
poppyfields Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 36 minutes ago, stillafool said: Without taking legal action you are allowing him to do this to you. I would have seen a lawyer after he came to my job trash talking me. It's in your hands to make him stop. It's pretty easy. Yup, exactly. However, since Fair hasn't responded, she probably won't. My sense is she was mad after this altercation but is over it now, I could be wrong. Hope she's okay and can work this out, it's no way to live, that's for sure. Edited August 21, 2020 by poppyfields 1
schlumpy Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I wonder if his new girlfriend is on board with his behavior?
Author Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 @sclumpy If anything she MAY have bought into some 'crazy ex girlfriend' story he's probably been feeding her. But I'm not worried about that. I did leave him the note to tell him to knock it off and leave me alone..... I put that in my original post. I'll threaten to take legal action if he continues on... that should be enough to stop it. Someone said he's not mad, he's crazy. Yeah. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Coming to your workplace is definitely crossing a line. If I were you, I'd send this guy a note telling him not to contact me ever again, and letting him know that if he behaves in a harassing way again (look up guidelines on what this means - I'm pretty sure that contacting your friends or coworkers to stir up trouble is part of the legal definition of harassment), I'll file for a restraining order. Hopefully that scares him off. But if not, follow through on filing. He sounds like the kind of guy who could do something crazy if unchecked.
lurker74 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 First of all, if there is any chance that you think he'll get physical, see an attorney now. A restraining order may be difficult and it may even backfire but it it may turn physical in the future, start documenting today. Now, if it is not a physical threat then the only thing you did wrong was leave him a note. He doesn't have to be a narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies, which it sounds like he does. He cannot get over being dumped and so he wants a reaction. Don't give him any. Don't acknowledge, don't leave notes, nothing. Tell friends and co workers to please ignore him. The only way to confront a narcissist is to go completely dark and remain there. Should it last three years??? No. But that's his problem. Pretend like he is dead and you will be better off in the long run. There is nothing else you can do to get him to stop. Not responding doesn't mean you're weak - quite the opposite actually. 1
Author Fair Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 @lurker74 yes, I regret the note. If anything, he'll lie about what it said and to use it as a tool put in his arsenal. But maybe if he knows I'm finally getting fed up and am prepared to raise a stink he'll back off. I fully intend to keep going to the ball diamonds for walks. I'm not going to have my freedom restricted by some crazy bastard in a truck. We'll see what his reaction is, but all in all I see him as a coward who'll back down from the threat of a fight. @shclumpy - I feel sorry for the new girlfriend. There's the next one who'll have to deal with this. She's not the problem. He is. 1
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