Looking for some guidance, I like a girl, she sent signals she liked me but now says she needs space

[racing20]

This is going to be a fairly long post. I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. I will try to get across the key stuff.

 

So the key players in my story are me, a good friend and of course a woman who I will call K. K and my good friend dates for 4 years. K and myself were always friendly and would take whenever we woul be around each other. Well in 2017, K and my friend broke up. My friend took it very hard as this was his first real love. I did what any good friend would do and was there for him and let him cry on my shoulder.

After that, K and myself would talk from time to time. How it usually would go is she would talk to me for a bit, then fade out. Now at this time she did have a new man in her life which makes that understandable. Around June of this year. K and her man called it quits which made her single again. We started to talk again. Now I must be honest, when we would talk, there was definitely some flirting going on from my end. Nothing crazy or anything. She didn't seem to mind it and she would flirt back. Once again she did the disappearing act one me. Around the middle of July we started talking again. This time it was talking all day and night via texting. She would say flirty things to me such as she would make the best wife for me and things along those lines. She also talked about me coming to her house to hang out and watch movies and things like that. I really thought things were going good. Two weeks ago she actually came with me to a car race. We had a good time,  she told me when she got home and the next day how much fun she had and she wanted to see me again soon. 

 

However something seemed to have changed with her a few days after spending the day and evening with me at the race. She started to get distant and instead of talking all day, she was only sending me a few messages. I figured she was having some issues so I just laid low. Finally last Saturday I sent her a message basically telling her that I really liked her and I was getting the same vibes from her and I wasn't sure if I should keep persuing it or give her space. K replied and said she was having work issues and personal issues and she needs a little bit of space. As of today I still haven't heard from her. I'm not sure how long I should wait for it or should I just send her a message checking in to make sure she is ok?

 

I can say that her ex is a racer and they ran into each other at the race as I was talking to some people and they did talk. I'm not sure if these personal issues she speaks of have something to do with the ex or if he tried to make her feel guilty for being there with me. I am sure some will tell me that I violated the bro code by even talking to a good friends ex. However in my eyes they have been broke up for almost 4 years. It's not like I moved in for the kill the next week.

 

Looking for some advice on what I should be doing here. Just seems strange things were so good then it all just fell off the cliff so fast leaving me very confused.

[ccas93]

I'd give her the space she is requesting, and assume that whatever you guys had is over for now. I'd go no contact and see if she texts again. 

[La.Primavera]

You're right, my first thought was that this is a total betrayal to your friend, who by your words was devastated by the break up of their four year long relationship.  Where is your sense of loyalty?  Eh, never mind, you either care about those sorts of things or you don't.  Just don't be surprised if this ends your friendship when he finds out.

On to your current issue.  It sounds like you have been a rebound/distraction since the breakup (sensing a pattern there), but seeing him the other day brought it all back.  Clearly K has unresolved feelings for her most recent ex that she needs to work through.  Anything with another guy would simply be a rebound at this point.

[racing20]

2 minutes ago, La.Primavera said:

You're right, my first thought was that this is a total betrayal to your friend, who by your words was devastated by the break up of their four year long relationship.  Where is your sense of loyalty?  Eh, never mind, you either care about those sorts of things or you don't.  Just don't be surprised if this ends your friendship when he finds out.

On to your current issue.  It sounds like you have been a rebound/distraction since the breakup (sensing a pattern there), but seeing him the other day brought it all back.  Clearly K has unresolved feelings for her most recent ex that she needs to work through.  Anything with another guy would simply be a rebound at this point.

The weird thing is that my friend has talked to me since the day she was at the race with me. I, much like you assumed he would be pissed about it but he didn't seem like he was. I specifically asked K if there would be any issues with her ex being there and she said they are civil and still talk from time to time.

[Maldives]

It does violate ur bro code I would never do it but thats just me and how I'm built

If your friend doesn't mind u connecting wth her I guess there's no issues it does appear like your a rebound or just someone for her to lean on they're not positive signs

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, racing20 said:

K replied and said she was having work issues and personal issues and she needs a little bit of space. As of today I still haven't heard from her. I'm not sure how long I should wait for it or should I just send her a message checking in to make sure she is ok?

No you should not text her to make sure that she's ok.  She told you she needs space, which basically means she wants you to leave her alone for now.  The ball is in her court.  If she reaches out to you again, then you'll know that she's still interested.  But it sounds like she might not be.  

[ExpatInItaly]

There's no need to text her to see if she's okay. She's fine; she just doesn't want to be in close contact with you right now. 

She might be feeling guilty after seeing her ex, or she might have another guy on her radar altogether right now. Or, maybe seeing her ex sparked some old feelings in her for him. Whatever the case, the onus is now on her to reach out. Assume that you two had some fun but it might end here. 

[Wiseman2]

She seems to like male company on a continuous basis. It's not about bro code

.It's about entertaining someone flighty and flirty like this knowing she runs around breaking hearts.

Have fun but keep it very casual. Don't invest in losing propositions.

[schlumpy]

I'm sorry to say but the relationship that you have with this woman is barely above friends. I think she sees you as "filler" between relationships. That's the impression I got. You of course may know or feel differently about it.

The problem for you  is that you like her much more than she likes you and that places you at a disadvantage. I don't know how to even up that playing field except to show that you are willing to walk away if there no real commitment.

I would not recommend you invest your time and energy into her unless she clearly indicates a preference for you.

[d0nnivain]

She likes you as a friend & enjoyed flirting with you when there were no other men in her life.  You were fun & safe.  Now that you have expressed that you have feelings for her, because she doesn't feel the same way about you, she is backing off.  That is what she needs to do to avoid leading you on.  

[Interstellar]

When a woman...any woman uses the word space it means you’re out, like forever.

Edited August 20, 2020 by Interstellar

[Giovane]

There's nothing for you to gain here. Forget about her.

[smackie9]

As I read through your thread this girl reminded me of myself when I was young. I had guys that were fillers...hang out be a little flirty for the attention, but had no intention of dating them, she is THAT girl. You are totally friends zoned. Girls can be emotionally attached without any romantic interest. Everyone is right, you are wasting your time with this one.

The tip here is....if there is confusion, mixed signals, hot and cold going on, they are NOT interested.

[smackie9]

1 hour ago, Interstellar said:

When a woman...any woman uses the word space it means you’re out, like forever.

I agree with this^^ It's like being punted to the curb.

[Watercolors]

Her excuses to you of "work and personal issues" to create distance from you are just that: excuses. For only reasons she's aware of (and unfortunately, not being forthright with you about to give you more clarity), she doesn't want to entangle herself with you. I'd move on. Yes, you're attracted to your friend's ex-girlfriend. That's normal. It happens. You didn't break the bro code. You risked rejection by making yourself vulnerable to her, the way you told her how you felt and...she rejected you. Ghosting you via text and going silent is her rejection. I'd leave her in your past. She's "just not that into you." 

The bright side? You still have your good friendship with your friend. And, hey. You put yourself out there which is awesome. Do that again. Just keep trying until you find a woman who feels the same way. If you have to force someone to reciprocate then it's not a real connection. If she felt the same way towards you, you wouldn't have to chase her. And, you should NEVER chase any woman, period. 

Eh, dating. That's how it goes. 

[mark clemson]

I did not read everything. In fact I read only the title of your post.

If she says she wants space, give it to her. You can't make someone like you back.

Value yourself and find someone else. There are a lot of fish in the sea.

(Note: If you happen to be in a location where there aren't a lot of fish, well, I'm sorry to hear that, but it doesn't really change the advice.)

[Mystery4u]

"Give me space" said no girl who liked a guy, ever.

She's not interested. On to the next one.

[Hotmess118]

I feel like you should have talked to you friend before bringing her around him, but what is done is done. I feel like that's just code. Only one time did I date someone's ex and it was because she told me to give him a chance.

Space imo can mean a few things... she's legit dealing with something from work and doesn't have the bandwidth to deal with anything, but this is probably the least likely. Even when I had a lot on my plate seeing someone I liked usually helped ease whatever stress I had but there have been times I legit needed space. More likely is that space usually means she wants space to talk to someone she likes better or to get in touch with her ex or the friend zone.

Edited August 20, 2020 by Hotmess118

[Giovane]

She needs space in her lover zone, so she moved you to the friend zone.

[bobjon]

Coolest thing you can do is walk TF away!!!!  It WILL NOT matter what you say.  My gut says she has a thing for the other dude and either way, she is wishy washy.  Don't be a pansy and just walk, fast.....  Women and their feelings will burn you every single time!!!  If you hover, you are screwing yourself.  

[Art.at.Heart]

On 8/19/2020 at 9:39 PM, racing20 said:

Finally last Saturday I sent her a message basically telling her that I really liked her and I was getting the same vibes from her and I wasn't sure if I should keep persuing it or give her space. K replied and said she was having work issues and personal issues and she needs a little bit of space. As of today I still haven't heard from her. I'm not sure how long I should wait for it or should I just send her a message checking in to make sure she is ok?

Assuming this is how the actual interaction went and you didn't leave anything out of her response, she didn't even express having mutual feelings. Did she even acknowledge you saying that you liked her?

Either way, give her the space that she asked for.

Edited August 21, 2020 by Art.at.Heart

[racing20]

5 hours ago, Art.at.Heart said:

Assuming this is how the actual interaction went and you didn't leave anything out of her response, she didn't even express having mutual feelings. Did she even acknowledge you saying that you liked her?

Either way, give her the space that she asked for.

Yes, this is exactly how the conversation went. It raised my suspicions that something was amiss. Would have been a perfect opening for K to say I don't like you in that way, Oh well as most have said it's time to look forward.

[Wiseman2]

People don't "send signals". This is where the misunderstanding begins. Your crush on her let you see what you wanted to see, not what was or wasn't there.

Next time, ask a girl out. It's yes or no, without smoke signals