bobjon Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 WOW, so many people doomed to repeat history. You guys are DONE!!! Sure, you can keep beating it out a bit longer but might seek some more experienced opinions like mine. He has serious control and attachment issues. Some could be warranted if you run around and "check your bases" as many women your age do. I know I personally left someone in collEge that did this. If there is no trust, burn it. I wasted 12yrs of my life on the wrong person. At some point, you have to walk. Sooner is always better than later. You already know what needs done.
healing light Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Honestly, end it sooner rather than later. The longer you prolong a relationship like this, the more you will become a shell of yourself and less able to leave. Some people develop c-PTSD from these types of relationships. You already said yourself you have considered ending it before. Take heed of all the wise guidance of the people on this forum who have been through this before and want to spare you years of the inevitable. Don't waste your youth on someone who doesn't respect you.
Acacia98 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, leuina said: Somehow I won't feel that bad, if we break up, because I think that having a boyfriend is not only about to have fun and good times, but most important being there for each other when we need each other. You're right. A very important part of being in a relationship is being there for each other. I don't think he will ever be there for you. He sounds very much like he deliberately evades being there for you and supporting you when you experience tragedy or difficulties. And it sounds to me like he throws these tantrums to distract you from the fact that that is what he is doing. Take the time to review your past conflicts with this guy in your mind. Do they tend to take place when something important is happening to you? And do you end up being disoriented/not handling whatever is happening to you properly because you're too busy trying to deal with yet another accusation? If the answer is yes, rest assured that these actions on his part are not coincidental. They are calculated to make you behave a certain way. He's basically trying to manipulate you. Edited August 21, 2020 by Acacia98 Correcting a typo 1
Author leuina Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) Well, always when we fought I was the one who was "going after him" and try to make things work and fight to be together. Lately I haven't been doing it and he pretends I am getting cold and I have never been jealous and he would want his girlfriend to be jealous. Edited August 21, 2020 by leuina 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 32 minutes ago, leuina said: Well, always when we fought I was the one who was "going after him" and try to make things work and fight to be together. Lately I haven't been doing it and he pretends I am getting cold and I have never been jealous and he would want his girlfriend to be jealous. He is withdrawing from narcissistic supply. Never date egomaniacs.
lurker74 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Please, for the love of God, drop this guy. You will look back on this as something that should have been obvious at the time. That's OK. We all get blinded at times but it is time for you to start seeing again. 2
Watercolors Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, leuina said: Well, always when we fought I was the one who was "going after him" and try to make things work and fight to be together. Lately I haven't been doing it and he pretends I am getting cold and I have never been jealous and he would want his girlfriend to be jealous. It sounds like you already know, deep down, that you are better off without him. But you hang on to him, because you also hope that you can change him. I'm sorry to tell you dear, that you cannot change anyone. He is who he is (which is; not a very good person). Since he's not your first relationship and he won't be your last relationship, if you break up with him, you already know the routine: you will feel bad for a while and then you will feel better. So, this isn't the end of the world for you, if you break up with an abusive boyfriend. It's actually a chance for you to start over with another guy who is more mentally healthy and stable who will respectfully communicate with you and treat you with respect. Only you can make that choice. If you don't break up with him, consider the long-term consequences of his actions against you always manipulating you and distorting the truth to make you feel crazy. Do you really think that's normal behavior from a loved one? Well, no, it's not normal at all. Your first and foremost priority are your studies. He should take priority over your studies. Edited August 21, 2020 by Watercolors 1
Author leuina Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: It sounds like you already know, deep down, that you are better off without him. But you hang on to him, because you also hope that you can change him. I'm sorry to tell you dear, that you cannot change anyone. He is who he is (which is; not a very good person). Since he's not your first relationship and he won't be your last relationship, if you break up with him, you already know the routine: you will feel bad for a while and then you will feel better. So, this isn't the end of the world for you, if you break up with an abusive boyfriend. It's actually a chance for you to start over with another guy who is more mentally healthy and stable who will respectfully communicate with you and treat you with respect. Only you can make that choice. If you don't break up with him, consider the long-term consequences of his actions against you always manipulating you and distorting the truth to make you feel crazy. Do you really think that's normal behavior from a loved one? Well, no, it's not normal at all. Your first and foremost priority are your studies. He should take priority over your studies. Actually he is
Gaeta Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Leuina, longer that you stay in this relationship longer it will take you to rebuilt yourself afterward. Relationships like these are destructive, you'll get out of it bitter and thinking all men will treat you like this eventually. Longer you wait deeper will be the scars of this abuse and manipulation. There is no reason, what so ever, that right now you're still in this relationship. When you move on and find a man that respects, elevates you, supports you, you'll understand what love is. That right now is not love. 1
Author leuina Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: Leuina, longer that you stay in this relationship longer it will take you to rebuilt yourself afterward. Relationships like these are destructive, you'll get out of it bitter and thinking all men will treat you like this eventually. Longer you wait deeper will be the scars of this abuse and manipulation. There is no reason, what so ever, that right now you're still in this relationship. When you move on and find a man that respects, elevates you, supports you, you'll understand what love is. That right now is not love. I am tired. It looks like he is stupid. I have to say things so many times and he still doesn't get them. He focuses on a point and forgets everything that I am saying. He just wants an explanation about that spesific thing, even though he can find the explanation on what I already said.
poppyfields Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) 22 minutes ago, leuina said: It looks like he is stupid. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get away from this toxic mess of a boyfriend, please do so! He's a whiny baby, most abusers are. Insecure whiny babies which is why they need to control and abuse - to feel big! Because inside they're weak. The man you have chosen for your boyfriend is a weak, whiny, insecure abuser. Is that the type of man you want in your life? Possibly raising your children? I hope the next post we see from you is you telling us you ended this toxic RL. We will be here to support you and help you work through your emotions, promise. Hugs. Edited August 22, 2020 by poppyfields
Author leuina Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 8 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Whatever you need to tell yourself to get away from this toxic mess of a boyfriend, please do so! He's a whiny baby, most abusers are. Insecure whiny babies which is why they need to control and abuse - to feel big! Because inside they're weak. The man you have chosen for your boyfriend is a weak, whiny, insecure abuser. Is that the type of man you want in your life? Possibly raising your children? I hope the next post we see from you is you telling us you ended this toxic RL. We will be here to support you and help you work through your emotions, promise. Hugs. I am so close to end it. I have no patience anymore. It seems like he is constantly trying to make me angry and it is weird because I have always been very quiet and didn't get angry easily. People used to tell me that it was impposible to be that quiet in those situations, but I did. Now he is changing me. Thank you, it means a lot to me and I really appreciate that 1
Author leuina Posted August 22, 2020 Author Posted August 22, 2020 Btw, a little update. I broke up with him. Thank you for your opinions. 5 2
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 You did the right thing. Guys like this feed off your anger, your distress, your jealousy, they love it, as it makes them feel better. 3
balletomane Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 I'm so relieved for you, OP. I spent two years with a man very like your boyfriend and leaving him was one of the best things I ever did. He may now try to manipulate you into getting back with him. Stay strong and don't reconsider. 3
basil67 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 @leuina You rock! Now, you will have the moments when you question yourself over this. Breaking up is never easy. So when those moments happen, please come back to this thread and read it again. Or post if you need support. There are a whole lot of us here who have your back 3
ExpatInItaly Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 2 hours ago, leuina said: Btw, a little update. I broke up with him. Thank you for your opinions. Brava! This guy has issues you cannot fix, and you are going to be so much better off without this mess in your life. 1
smackie9 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) You may have breakup remorse for the first little while when he sends you a barrage of messages. Just block/delete...don't answer or look at any messages, strange phone numbers, etc. Take a pause and say NO! every time you get the urge. It will pass. Be strong! Edited August 22, 2020 by smackie9
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