HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 5 hours ago, leuina said: He is also threatening me that if he blocks me this time, it will be tha last time for sure he does that and is not going to unblock me anymore. Btw, he has blocked me many times when we had arguments This guy is a jerk with a capital J! DROP HIM! Your schooling performance will dictate the rest of your life and this fool wants to throw a temper tantrum because he couldn't dominate you while you are trying to better yourself and your life. If he really cared about you, and if he was really interested in a future with you, he would support your educational aspirations. He would realize a better future for you also means a better future for him. But he's not thinking that way because he's only thinking about right now. He's not thinking about you and him in the future. He only cares what he wants and feels in the moment...worse he believes he is entitled to you acting like his little puppet, always on demand to cater to his irrational whims and immature temper tantrums. This guy is a LOSER! Sorry, it's not what you want to hear. You've described enough about his behavior to support the conclusion that he adds little value to your life...and he will negatively impact your future if you let him (by acquiescing to him). Free yourself! and keep focusing on your studies and creating a brighter future for yourself!!! 1
HadMeOverABarrel Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) I just wanted to add that after I made my post, I went back to read what others posted. Isn't it interesting we are saying the same thing: "drop him, he's a loser" That's because there are a lot of smart people in this forum who can see clearly what is happening in your situation. You did a good thing to post here for support! This guy is not worth your love. Dry your tears and see the only thing you have to cry about is what you've already given this guy that he didn't deserve. Don't give anymore. He's not capable of being the person you need. Not supportive, not appreciative, not loving. He's just a selfish a$$. Pick yourself up. You've got a bright future ahead of you! Edited August 20, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel 1 1
ssm617 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 If this had happened once, then I might chalk it off to having a bad day or whatever. But since this has happened multiple times, I would end the relationship because he is too controlling. There are valid reasons why someone can't text within 3 hours. Their workplace may not allow it (besides breaks), they are in an area with poor/no cell phone reception etc 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 7 hours ago, leuina said: I don't know. I'm in love with the memory of him loving me and being kind and lovely. I don't know but the way he is trating me is making me fall out of love This is a good thing. You need to lose these feelings for the man you thought he was, and see this jerk for who he really is. This is the sort of abuse that escalates over time, and this is not love. This man is trying to wear you down into submission, and I promise you that it will get worse. This is toxic and not what a relationship should look like. Once you're out of the fog, you will not regret leaving him. 2 1
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 10 hours ago, leuina said: He is also threatening me that if he blocks me this time, it will be tha last time for sure he does that and is not going to unblock me anymore. Btw, he has blocked me many times when we had arguments Don't put up with these emotionally abusive games. End it. 1
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) It throws me to the floor each time I read stories of *young* women caught up in abusive and controlling relationships. Our grand-mothers and mothers had no choice often to remain in such relationships/marriages as they depended on their man for survival. Nowadays a woman cannot justify remaining in such relationship! You're a young woman in 2020 not 1920 ! You are smart, educated, you can lead your life in any direction you want to....why direct it right into an abusive relationship!?! You have the world at your feet and you will never EVER run out of men to date! Good men! Men that will be sensitive to your feelings, that will elevate you to the best you can be, not keep you down. Abusers and controllers don't change, ever. It's ingrained in them from early on and they will only get rid of it with years of therapy and even then it doesn't always work. So you might miss him, so what? You do this to offer yourself a better life and relationship down the road. You will go through more than one heart break in your life, it sucks but it passes and we usually move on to someone better for us. Edited August 20, 2020 by Gaeta 3 1
Versacehottie Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, leuina said: I don't know. I'm in love with the memory of him loving me and being kind and lovely. I don't know but the way he is trating me is making me fall out of love This is just a memory! It's these things far in the past and not representative of how a bad guy treats you overall that keep people stuck and wasting years of their lives. You are literally frittering your life away for a memory. How he treats you NOW AND AS YOU'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW HIM BETTER is who he is. Edited August 20, 2020 by Versacehottie
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 14 hours ago, leuina said: I'm in love with the memory of him loving me and being kind and lovely. I bet he was like the perfect boyfriend at first. It's typical. Controlling and abusing men are always super sweet at the beginning of a relationship. They sweep you off of your feet to hook you good then slowly they become controlling, a little bit at a time, before you realize it you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship. 3
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 17 hours ago, leuina said: It is not the first time. Always when I need him the most, we fight. This is why you need to dump him. Real "love" in a relationship is mutual, reciprocal. If you need emotional support and he gaslights you for reaching out, then he is NOT an emotionally supportive boyfriend. Trying to get emotional support from an emotionally manipulative and verbally abusive boyfriend with serious anger issues, is like trying to squeeze blood from a turnip -- it's not possible. You are young. I encourage you to reflect on 2 things: 1) Why have you settled for someone who doesn't even like you, and invalidates your feelings and 2) Why do you allow this kind of abuse from a boyfriend? Relationships are a two-way street. But, when one partner starts the abuse that does not mean you are supposed to just 'take it.' Edited August 20, 2020 by Watercolors 2
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 2 hours ago, Gaeta said: It throws me to the floor each time I read stories of *young* women caught up in abusive and controlling relationships. Our grand-mothers and mothers had no choice often to remain in such relationships/marriages as they depended on their man for survival. Nowadays a woman cannot justify remaining in such relationship! It's not logical - it's emotional. Up front he seemed amazing and you made all these great memories together. Then once he knows you're emotionally hooked, his dark side emerges, and you try to minimize it as out of character, focus on the good parts. But by then the cat is out of the bag and it ain't going back in. 1
Mystery4u Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 You need to leave this relationship asap. This is not how a man is supposed to treat his girl. 1
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 32 minutes ago, Mystery4u said: You need to leave this relationship asap. This is not how a man is supposed to treat his girl. What's sad is she won't, at least not now. People come here to vent and for support and validation of their feelings, but it's very rare when they take the advice. It breaks my heart, and I was actually thinking about this this morning, especially when it involves abuse such as this. I do hope she returns though and tells us she has left, broken up with him and blocked him, that would make me VERY happy! 2 1
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: I bet he was like the perfect boyfriend at first. It's typical. Controlling and abusing men are always super sweet at the beginning of a relationship. They sweep you off of your feet to hook you good then slowly they become controlling, a little bit at a time, before you realize it you find yourself in a full blown abusive relationship. Gaeta, this^ is so true, have you ever been in an abusive RL? I have come very close but left before it escalated. I did not even know the signs, I just went with my feelings. I knew this couldn't be what love was, which I learned from my exremely kind and loving dad, I was very fortunate to have a dad like him may he RIP. 1
Gaeta Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Gaeta, this^ is so true, have you ever been in an abusive RL? Unfortunately yes. I was young & naïve, thousands of miles away from my parents and family for protection, I barely spoke English at the time, there was no Internet to reach out to others, found myself hiding in a women shelters many times. 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 This is a block and delete him and all his people d from all your social media and messaging apps situation. Talk to trusted adults about this.
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 25 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Unfortunately yes. I was young & naïve, thousands of miles away from my parents and family for protection, I barely spoke English at the time, there was no Internet to reach out to others, found myself hiding in a women shelters many times. I'm sorry to hear that. Sounds like you have a very wonderful and loving boyfriend now though so and !! 1
Ruby Slippers Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: People come here to vent and for support and validation of their feelings, but it's very rare when they take the advice. And that's ok. We often don't learn from what other people tell us. Sometimes we need to go through the experience for the lesson to truly sink in. Only then do we realize all that common sense advice was right. 2
hippychick3 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) I was married to someone like this for almost 20 years. This is emotional abuse. It never gets better. Please don’t make my same mistake. I am now with someone who would never ever get angry with me for not calling or texting when he thought I would, even if I told him I would. When this has happened (it happens to everyone), he has been worried about me instead of mad at me. Then when he realized I was okay, he was ONLY relieved. I know it will be hard to let him go but I implore you to talk to your family and friends so they can support you. You’re being abused and you don’t even realize it. Edited August 20, 2020 by hippychick3 3
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 20 hours ago, leuina said: I don't know, I'm feeling terrible and I am crying right now because I really need support this time and I'm getting nothing from the person I love. He said he was trying to change and be positive for us but I am making things worse. I might have my fault but not for everything. This is the mental abuse...gaslighting. He's purposely making sure you feel bad and think the issues lie within you not him. Girl, just get out of this now. I spent two years in a relationship of abuse. I know this stuff all too well. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING you do will make things better. He will find some other way to beat your self esteem down. It's a dangerous situation you are in...you are crying, and hurting....and none of it is your fault. Edited August 20, 2020 by smackie9 1
Hotmess118 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 OP how are you doing? Have you and your boyfriend talked about what happened? Is school ok?
healing light Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Read The Gaslight Effect by Dr. Robin Stern and look up Dr. Ramani on Youtube for tons of videos on narcissistic abuse so that you can recognize the signs, see you're not alone for falling into this trap, and realize this is never going to get better. 1
Author leuina Posted August 20, 2020 Author Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Hotmess118 said: OP how are you doing? Have you and your boyfriend talked about what happened? Is school ok? Hey, thank you for asking. I was busy and I didn't have much time to write here, but I have read everything. We haven't talked that much. He pretends he wants to support me, but still I see that he is not ok with all the things, even though he didn't say it to me. He can't understand that I am in a difficult situation right now. I have a mess in my head and I have so much to think about, that I have no time and patience to deal with his jealousy and everything. I don't know what I will do. At some moments I was ready to end this relationship but I wasn't sure. Somehow I won't feel that bad, if we break up, because I think that having a boyfriend is not only about to have fun and good times, but most important being there for each other when we need each other. While my family has its own difficulties and they don't want to stress and distract me (and it is about very important things), my boyfriend stresses me out and distracts me for bulls***. Basically, I am a mess at this point. I have to keep it together, even though I am about to explode Edited August 20, 2020 by leuina
Lotsgoingon Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 BTW: maybe this will help your calculation here. There's a good chance he's cheated on you or IS cheating on you. Bullies are super conniving ... What better way to sneak in cheating but to go ballistic on your real gf without any reason. Get her apologizing, get her explaining, get her questioning herself ... and he goes over to the other woman. Clears a whole pathway. Can you visit a counselor for some support on this? Or talk to one of your teachers? 2 1
basil67 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, leuina said: I have to keep it together, even though I am about to explode It's perfectly acceptable go nuclear at him and then block him before he has a chance to answer. It will of course end the relationship, but it's a great way to clear your mind and make a solid end. edit: just make sure you've got all your stuff back first 2nd edit: with a guy like this, there's no nice way to end it. He will blame you or shame you or just generally be a tool. That's why you have to be really solid in your own approach Edited August 20, 2020 by basil67 1
Watercolors Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 21 minutes ago, leuina said: Basically, I am a mess at this point. That may be because you are allowing him to dictate how you feel about yourself? He is playing mind games with you. He WANTS you to feel like a mess so that you will be more weak, more vulnerable for him because then you will become easier to emotionally manipulate and control. He does not respect you. You need to do your priorities again. Put him at the bottom of your priority list. Your boyfriend and his controlling, manipulative behavior should not be your concern right now. Do not let him tell you how to feel about yourself. Your schooling is your top priority. Next, is your family and friends. I'm sorry this is hard for you to go through. But many of us in your thread, have already gone through this with a romantic partner. We are all in consensus: leave him he is distracting you from your life in a very dysfunctional, very unhealthy way.
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