My gf has her head in the clouds is childish a lot it's killing my attraction to her

[rjc149]

You are both grown adults in the eyes of both society and the law. Getting caught fooling around in your own car shouldn't be an issue. You're not teenagers out past curfew. 

Just to bullet-point my understanding of this thread, since it's a little difficult to understand clearly:

• She refuses to be serious or have serious adult conversations
• She is unable, or unwilling, to meet your sexual needs
• She is consistently deflecting your romantic/sexual overtures, and you're trying to determine if it's because 1) it actually hurts for her to have sex, 2) she doesn't find you desirable, or 3) she is preoccupied with teenie-bopper stuff, or a combination of all three

Yes it sounds like she's still 14 upstairs. I would imagine young people these days take longer to grow out of that phase since their lives are just totally saturated with media and entertainment.

And while opposites attract, they are often incompatible after the honeymoon. What makes her so different from you, and initially fascinating, is what will end up making it difficult to keep an emotional connection with her. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by rjc149

[curlygirl40]

I think there's nothing more freeing than being able to be yourself around someone.     So the fact that you feel like this is who she is means you can't try to squash her spirit.   However, having said that, it does seem like she's using her silly side to avoid intimacy and that is the part that concerns me.    A relationship without intimacy is a friendship.  If that makes sense.   If you can't kiss or cuddle or bond in any way, how do you feel close to her as a partner?   As a lover?   I get your concern.   

It's a weird time for a lot of people, so maybe cut her some slack until things get more normal, if and when that happens.     Or maybe pull away a little and she'll realize that you are seriously questioning some things.   

I feel like there's a communication issue here if you can't have a serious conversation about your needs/concerns.   

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

She is just like this with the people she’s closest too, and reminds me of that a lot. Yeah trying to be serious usually gets her upset which is frustrating as hell for me. I’d like to save the relationship above all else, and so I’m leaning towards staying, but we’ll see what happens when I bring it up (at a good time)

How often do you talk in person? What kind of " serious stuff" is she trying to avoid? 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

Yes and no. I really do believe in giving a relationship everything and we’ve agreed on a future together, etc. I don’t Want to break that. I love my gf and all the memories we’ve made, plus she was my first serious relationship & I’ve always wanted to make my first serious one last, which is rare especially bc she shares the sentiment
 

on the other hand it feels like I’ve given so much to this relationship & time is kicking its ass anyways, plus I work hard to stay in shape and be attractive & that built up self esteem has been going out the window because of this whole thing & im tired of feeling rejected & to be honest, ugly 

It sounds like you've grown up and grown apart. This is why most first loves don't last; who we are and what we want when we meet our first boyfriend/girlfriend usually changes as we mature and gain more experience and wisdom. 

You two are at a point now where fooling around in your car shouldn't even be necessary, but it sounds like there are a boatload of incompatibilities that are coming between you now. I would encourage you to think long and hard about whether you genuinely see a future with her, or if you're convincing yourself to stay based on a fantasy-based notion of first love lasting forever. 

[Blind-Sided]

17 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

If we needed to I would, 1000%. I’m saying it doesn’t even feel like that’s something we can do with how out there she is, like I feel she’s not even capable of being interested in being serious with me (all the while idealizing our potential future together)

OK.... first of all.... you came here asking advice.  There has been some good advice, but you are kind of contradicting yourself.  From this side of the keyboard... it's black and white.... "Stay, or Break-up."   People tell you to sit her down, and TELL HER you need a serious talk... but then you say she will get mad, and you don't want to.  You don't want to because you don't what to be serious either. OR... you are scared that if you have a reall talk... it will be the end.

You are only 22... you still have a lot of time to find a "Partner" in life. So ask yourself this VERY REAL question.... "Can you see yourself with her for the rest of your life with the way she is?"

16 hours ago, Redsnow479 said:

I love her haha

Just because you love someone... doesn't mean you are actually compatible as partners.  You are here because you are frustrated. Either talk with her, and tell her it's time to be more serious with life... or break up with her.  You DO NOT want to be miserable forever. Not to mention... if you move forward with her... it will eat at you, and in 10 years from now, you will be getting a divorce, and having to deal with a "Legal" break-up. (Expensive, and messy) 

[mark clemson]

It occurs to me that possibly she isn't sure she wants the relationship to progress to marriage and family. She's rather young for these things (really you both are). Possibly she is either consciously or unconsciously sabotaging (or possibly stalling) things while she figures out how to communicate this and/or if taking it "to the next level" is really what she wants.

[Ami1uwant]

How long together

[kendahke]

I agree with blindsided--if you don't want to end things with her, then what exactly do you need advice on? How to make her change? You can't do that. She has to want to do that and so far, she's shown you she's not interested in being that kind of person for you.

So either you live with your frustration with her and be happy with her or you sit her down to have a serious conversation with her about your frustrations with her childishness.