So. Now what?

[nospam99]

Date scheduling 101: if he rejects the day and time when you are free that Eternal Sunshine suggested you suggest to him, DO NOT HANG UP. ASK him to suggest alternatives UNTIL he picks one that is acceptable to you.

[basil67]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

Alright then, what do I need to do for this?  Or any other potential that may come down the pike? 

Walk away.  Any interest he previously had for you has faded.

[hippychick3]

3 hours ago, Shining One said:

How genuinely interested should a man be in a woman who has blown him off twice and keeps telling him how unavailable she is?

I’m not saying he should be. I’m just saying he’s not. 

[Velvet teddy]

13 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Alright then, what do I need to do for this?  Or any other potential that may come down the pike? 

Yeah try to set up a date and go from there..

I think i said this earlier. 

Youll be able to gauge his interest level from that.

[mortensorchid]

I haven't heard from him since Sunday.  I just now (Wednesday night) sent him a text so we can set this up for a 2nd get together.   

[Inspire]

Telling this guy that you are taking a risk on him isn't really all that reassuring. That would suggest that you had reservations about him.

You're painting a really ugly picture of what a potential relationship with you would look like. If I was him and had some interest before, I might find it hard to take you serious right now.

He is 32 and you're 45. He is probably in it for the hookup.

[Acacia98]

On 8/16/2020 at 2:02 PM, Blind-Sided said:

While I'm glad to hear that you will reach out again... I do agree with the others above.  If you are interested... you need to make yourself available.   I understand about needing to keep your promises to other people (making a cake) but maybe you should have made it ahead of time, and not counted on being home in time to do it after the date.   It could have been baked, and a basic icing put on... and it would have been fine even if it was done a day ahead. Then... done your decorating just before the party.  

I know when I started dating after my divorce... I posted a story about going out with a girl my age, and she was very nice. But I  HONESTLY needed to leave at 9pm to get one of my kids from her friend's house.  Well........... I did that, and never heard from that girl again.  Months later, I asked about her, and our common friend told me that she thought I was just looking for a reason to leave. 

I agree that telling him she needed to bake a cake was hardly encouraging. But I don't belong to the school of thought that you have to change your pre-existing plans to show enthusiasm. She could have simply told him that she couldn't do what he was suggesting but would be happy to meet up on another day (of course she'd have to name a day and a time) to continue their conversation. That would indicate that she wanted to see him again. If the day and time didn't work for him or if he decided he didn't want to see her again, the ball would be in his court.

As for the example you give of the woman who assumed you were just looking for a reason to leave when you actually had to go pick your daughter up, it tells me that this woman assumed the worst of you (that you were lying), when she barely knew you. That's not an ideal way to start a relationship or whatever. You want to be with someone who gives you the benefit of the doubt until you actually do something that warrants their doubting you. It's not reasonable for someone to assume that his/her date doesn't have a life outside the dating context. It's not reasonable for someone to assume that his or her date is lying about picking up their kid just because someone else told a similar lie before.

[elaine567]

8 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree that telling him she needed to bake a cake was hardly encouraging. But I don't belong to the school of thought that you have to change your pre-existing plans to show enthusiasm. She could have simply told him that she couldn't do what he was suggesting but would be happy to meet up on another day (of course she'd have to name a day and a time) to continue their conversation.

But the "I'm baking a cake" was when he asked to extend the first date. 
Someone who can't extend the first date is usually not interested, as most will leave the time free for such an eventuality.  
Mo for whatever reason decided to not extend the first date AND play hard to get...
A winning combination... NOT.

[Acacia98]

39 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But the "I'm baking a cake" was when he asked to extend the first date. 
Someone who can't extend the first date is usually not interested, as most will leave the time free for such an eventuality.  
Mo for whatever reason decided to not extend the first date AND play hard to get...
A winning combination... NOT.

I am aware that he wanted to extend the first date, but I feel like there are too many "rules" around this dating thing that make people all too eager to make assumptions about their dates.

There are plenty of reasons why someone (I'll use the example of a woman) might not be able to extend the first date.

Maybe that particular date and time are not her first choice. Maybe she'd have been free to extend the date if they'd met on other days, but those days didn't work for him. So she compromised by meeting him on a day when she didn't have much wiggle room.

Maybe her period started when they were on the date and she started to have cramps.

Maybe she's a single parent and her babysitting arrangements for that day fell through. She couldn't get someone to stay with the kids for very long so she couldn't afford to extend the date. At the same time, she didn't want to cancel the date at the last minute because that would have been too flaky.

Maybe she's not comfortable doing things like extending dates the very first time she meets a guy. It works better for her to go home after the date, process what happened to her, and figure out whether she wants to meet the guy again.

So that takes me back to my original stance: I'd rather not make assumptions about people I barely know until they actually do something that warrants it.

[elaine567]

OK but all those excuses are moot, as the impression given is still not a good one.
As for the OP. baking a cake, too tired, and too busy do not scream interest and no doubt is why he has now gone MIA.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I haven't heard from him since Sunday.  I just now (Wednesday night) sent him a text so we can set this up for a 2nd get together.   

Nothing else on the horizon? You're not exclusive so why limit yourself?

[nospam99]

OP, I am usually critical of you for acting negatively about men, dating, and relationships. IMO, sending that text last night was a positive action. Attagirl!

[Acacia98]

21 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

OK but all those excuses are moot, as the impression given is still not a good one.
As for the OP. baking a cake, too tired, and too busy do not scream interest and no doubt is why he has now gone MIA.

If someone decides to assume the worst because their date is human and human things happen to them, that's totally up to them. It could actually be a compatibility issue. 

MO's date decided to give her the benefit of the doubt by leaving room for her to call if she was genuinely interested. So if she doesn't call, he'll know she isn't interested, and he'll move on. 

As for MO, if she's genuinely interested in a guy and can't extend the date, she could do what I suggested in my first post in this thread and suggest meeting on another day: a specific day. That will leave no doubt in his mind that she wants to see him again but it just wasn't possible to extend the first date. If that doesn't work for him, so be it.

Edited August 27, 2020 by Acacia98

[Happy Lemming]

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

  I just now (Wednesday night) sent him a text so we can set this up for a 2nd get together.   

Why text?? Why not call him, if he picks up... talk to him, if he doesn't leave a voicemail.

Do you know your schedule?? When you are available??

[mortensorchid]

We're supposed to get together tomorrow but we have no plan.  I am going to let him contact me.  I just noticed that I have always been the one to text him.  I suddenly got a horrible feeling that he's not that into me and I am doing all the chasing.  This doesn't make me feel good.

[Idontknow100]

12 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

We're supposed to get together tomorrow but we have no plan.  I am going to let him contact me.  I just noticed that I have always been the one to text him.  I suddenly got a horrible feeling that he's not that into me and I am doing all the chasing.  This doesn't make me feel good.

What kind of men are you dating? I don't know any man who goes out with women who don't like them. I know men who do not like a women but if that's the case, they don't go out on dates with them. They look for someone else instead. 

[mortensorchid]

I don't know why I bother anymore, I am just too old and fat or not cute enough anymore.  If he liked me or was interested in making any effort he would make effort.

[FMW]

You keep telling yourself that, it's a self-fulfilling prophecy.  

He's one guy.  There's a million of them out there. Try to shop in the pool of the ones that are appropriate for your age and compatibility - and available.  In this case, it's likely, as has been noted, that because of his age he is not available for a real relationship.  He's just looking for a good time, and one that doesn't take much effort.  He's not going to pursue someone who seems meh about him.      

But you seriously need to stop taking everything as a personal indictment of your appeal.  You (nor any other woman) are going to mesh with all, or even most, of the men you meet.  Keep your expectations in line and don't place too much importance on any particular guy in the beginning.   

I seriously doubt your looks are the problem.  If they were, you wouldn't be getting ANY interest, ever.  Your age is only a thing if you're only going after guys a lot younger than you.  I'm quite a bit older than you, I haven't found it to be a problem.  You seem to be able to attract initially, you just aren't holding the interest.  That should tell you that it's likely how you're coming across (not interested, too busy, feeling old/fat/not cute) that's the main issue. 

If you feel old, fat and not cute, guess what?  You're going to put off an old, fat and not cute vibe.  And no - nobody is going to be interested in that.   

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

but we have no plan.

Ugh. That's never a good sign. Don't beat yourself up. You did all the chasing via initiating text messages with him and clearly expressed an interest. He did not follow through with his "no plan" b.s. Guys who do that non-committal nonsense are just not worth fretting over. Just forget about him, go back on Hinge, and try again. 

[CaliforniaGirl]

20 hours ago, Inspire said:

Telling this guy that you are taking a risk on him isn't really all that reassuring. That would suggest that you had reservations about him.

You're painting a really ugly picture of what a potential relationship with you would look like. If I was him and had some interest before, I might find it hard to take you serious right now.

He is 32 and you're 45. He is probably in it for the hookup.

Plus it just sounds like drama...taking a risk...by going out on a second date? They're not sky-diving.

I think this one is tanked, Mo, I'm sorry. And I think you tanked it. But I don't know why.

[CaliforniaGirl]

2 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I don't know why I bother anymore, I am just too old and fat or not cute enough anymore.  If he liked me or was interested in making any effort he would make effort.

He did. Initially. And you sat there all unenthusiastic. 

He just has self-respect. 

Why are you sabotaging all these possibilities with these guys, Mo?

[balletomane]

You decided to play games on the first date, refusing his invitation to spend more time together because you were worried about "making it too easy for him", and after that literally all you did in your texts was tell him how very busy and unavailable you are. What do you expect him to do with that information? Show up at your door on a white charger and sweep you off into the sunset with him? If you were interested, all you had to do was say, "I'd love to see you again. Let's meet at X place at Y time," but instead you strung it out and strung it out over multiple text messages, which will have given this guy the impression you were just keeping him around as a 'maybe' option. You can't expect him to be falling over himself with eagerness under those circumstances. As California Girl says, it does look as if you sabotaged things for yourself.

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, balletomane said:

You decided to play games on the first date, refusing his invitation to spend more time together because you were worried about "making it too easy for him", and after that literally all you did in your texts was tell him how very busy and unavailable you are. What do you expect him to do with that information? Show up at your door on a white charger and sweep you off into the sunset with him? If you were interested, all you had to do was say, "I'd love to see you again. Let's meet at X place at Y time," but instead you strung it out and strung it out over multiple text messages, which will have given this guy the impression you were just keeping him around as a 'maybe' option. You can't expect him to be falling over himself with eagerness under those circumstances. As California Girl says, it does look as if you sabotaged things for yourself.

This^^^
and now you are playing the victim and are full of self pity.
"Oh woe is me I am old and fat and not cute any more."
You were "old and fat and not cute any more" when this guy wanted to date you...

Edited August 28, 2020 by elaine567

[mortensorchid]

I am going to put it out to pasture.  Next. 

[Acacia98]

14 hours ago, CaliforniaGirl said:

Why are you sabotaging all these possibilities with these guys, Mo?

Maybe an opportunity for self-reflection @mortensorchid?

Edited August 28, 2020 by Acacia98