So. Now what?

[mortensorchid]

So I decided to stop the nonsense because I realized I had blockers and ... I texted him tonight and said I am working this weekend (new job as a driving instructor- I have to fill in for someone who called in sick for the weekend) and he responded.  He said he is working his job and off on Friday only.  I said I am out driving all day as well as Saturday and Sunday.  He said in the text that I might be distracting young boys, I said I already decided no tank tops I am dressing conservative for it because I am the adult in charge.  

I am out of my blocker and I am going to pursue this.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I still admire your persistence but this guy doesn't look promising. You have initiated every single text conversation you had. You have said you want to get together again. To me, that's more than enough for a woman to do to show interest. If this guys was interested in you, he would have suggested day/time and place. He would have asked you out. 

I get a FWB (at best) vibe. 

[chillii]

Yeah , exactly what l thought , sounds like he's just being polite.

[Wiseman2]

25 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

 I get a FWB (at best) vibe. 

Agree. This seems more like a FWB situation. Have you been in that scenario? It seems like the kind of blasse attitude that FWB often epitomize

[Blind-Sided]

9 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I texted him tonight and said I am working this weekend (new job as a driving instructor- I have to fill in for someone who called in sick for the weekend) and he responded.  ..... in the text that I might be distracting young boys, I said I already decided no tank tops I am dressing conservative for it because I am the adult in charge.  

I am out of my blocker and I am going to pursue this.

MO... great !  Take charge.  If you want to see him again, then take control.

Funny note on that... when I turned 16, and went to take my driving test... the proctor was a young-ish woman, and she was wearing a very short skirt. My mom even made a comment to me to not be distracted. LOL.  I got my licence on the first try.  Only missed 1 point for cutting my left turn a little tight. (honestly, just a judgment call)  But I did that in a manual shift Truck, and had to parallel park !!. 

47 minutes ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I get a FWB (at best) vibe. 

I don't.  Go and ACTUALLY read the post.  Mo was the one being stand-off-ish during that date, and the guy probably got the vibe that she wasn't really interested.  

But on that point... Mo... DO NOT give it up too quick.  If you like him, the situation needs to smooth out, and you need to find out if he is really interested in anything other that going out, or sex. 

[Shining One]

10 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

So I decided to stop the nonsense because I realized I had blockers and ... I texted him tonight and said I am working this weekend (new job as a driving instructor- I have to fill in for someone who called in sick for the weekend) and he responded.  He said he is working his job and off on Friday only.  I said I am out driving all day as well as Saturday and Sunday.  He said in the text that I might be distracting young boys, I said I already decided no tank tops I am dressing conservative for it because I am the adult in charge.

You're very good at saying when you're unavailable, not so good at saying when you are available.

[Eternal Sunshine]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Agree. This seems more like a FWB situation. Have you been in that scenario? It seems like the kind of blasse attitude that FWB often epitomize

Yeah, he is still responding but not putting in any effort. Also the comment that MO is distracting young boys is quite sexual...

[hippychick3]

Given his lack of any initiation, I don’t think this guy is even interested in FWB. 

[mortensorchid]

11 hours ago, Eternal Sunshine said:

I still admire your persistence but this guy doesn't look promising. You have initiated every single text conversation you had. You have said you want to get together again. To me, that's more than enough for a woman to do to show interest. If this guys was interested in you, he would have suggested day/time and place. He would have asked you out. 

I get a FWB (at best) vibe. 

I am thinking that now... I already told him that this weekend is out because of conflicting schedules.  We measured it in texts yesterday.  I also looked at other comments, some of you say go for it others say forget it...

But I have noticed I have initiated the last texts to be sure.  I am going to let him contact me now because I think I told him I was interested in him by initiating contact.

[balletomane]

OP,  a blunt question: do you actually want to go on a date with this guy? As someone said earlier on, rather than just telling him when you're not available, you need to a.) say when you are available and b.) suggest a place to meet. Right now it looks as if you don't want a date per se, you just want him to follow some script you have in your head about how the ideal guy should behave, and based on your previous posts that script is constantly changing. No one ever seems to act in quite the way you want. I suspect that even if this man did overlook your lukewarm behaviour and suggest a place to meet, you'd find fault with his choice of venue and think it didn't show enough thought, or you'd decide the wording of his invitation wasn't enthusiastic enough. You are coming across as uninterested and overly critical, and if this is how you appear on a message board, there is every chance that you're appearing this way to him.

My boyfriend and I are both quite shy people. I was extra nervous as I'd never used OLD before. In spite of our nerves and shyness it still took us a grand total of two minutes to set up a date. I told him exactly when I was free, meaning I gave specific dates and times, not the ins and outs of my schedule and when I wasn't free and why I wasn't free. I asked if he'd like to meet me for dinner. He replied with the evening that worked best for him, and we decided on a restaurant. I didn't waste a second wondering if I'd "made it too easy for him", and I doubt he had any such ideas either. We went on the date and had a great time. It really doesn't have to be so complicated. If you want something, ask for it.

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

I am thinking that now... I already told him that this weekend is out because of conflicting schedules.  We measured it in texts yesterday.  I also looked at other comments, some of you say go for it others say forget it...

But I have noticed I have initiated the last texts to be sure.  I am going to let him contact me now because I think I told him I was interested in him by initiating contact.

Did he suggest any other days he was free?

How did the text exchange end?

[mortensorchid]

This is how the last texts went:

I said I am starting a job as a driving instructor this week.  While this would not be my regular schedule with them, they asked me to fill in for someone who had an emergency and had to cancel their entire 3 days (I just came back from it and it's rough to do it all day in a car).  He gave me his schedule (working 9-5 MTuWThSS).  I said we can rule out this weekend because I am not sure if and when I will be back after insteuction time.  He said he was looking forward to seeing me, and I might be a distraction to the teenage boys seeing such a hot older woman in the car with them.  I said they already said no tank tops and I am used to dressing conservatively for said purpose (I am a teacher - I will be bending over and squatting down while teaching, so necklines are high and skirts are long).  So we were not being all business completely.  

What gives me pause is that he doesn't seem to take initiative with this.  Thus far since I have reached out twice after our date he doesn't seem to reach out on his part.  He said he can be bad at communication.  I don't like to hear that.

[Shining One]

You still haven't told him when you're available. How can he ask you out if you don't tell him when you can go out? All you're providing is a bunch of times you can't go out.

How did your first date happen? I'm guessing he asked you out. How did he know when you would be available for that date?

[Velvet teddy]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

This is how the last texts went:

I said I am starting a job as a driving instructor this week.  While this would not be my regular schedule with them, they asked me to fill in for someone who had an emergency and had to cancel their entire 3 days (I just came back from it and it's rough to do it all day in a car).  He gave me his schedule (working 9-5 MTuWThSS).  I said we can rule out this weekend because I am not sure if and when I will be back after insteuction time.  He said he was looking forward to seeing me, and I might be a distraction to the teenage boys seeing such a hot older woman in the car with them.  I said they already said no tank tops and I am used to dressing conservatively for said purpose (I am a teacher - I will be bending over and squatting down while teaching, so necklines are high and skirts are long).  So we were not being all business completely.  

What gives me pause is that he doesn't seem to take initiative with this.  Thus far since I have reached out twice after our date he doesn't seem to reach out on his part.  He said he can be bad at communication.  I don't like to hear that.

I agree with the last post.

Perhaps then and there you should have mentioned to him when you are free..and then left the rest up to him. Or simply asked if he would be free too. 

At least then you would know  his interest level a little bit more. 

But i can see that its a bit off putting when you're  the one initiating all the time. 

[Wiseman2]

Hot older teacher? That's what you text about?

[elaine567]

The problem started when MO appeared closed off during the date, and then decided that baking a cake was more important than extending it, when he asked.
That put her on the back foot, and playing catch up.
Nothing she has done since has indicated her interest has increased.
"Too tired"   to fix a date one night and then "I'm busy all weekend" .
Yes she initiates but then she ruins the moment.
Too tired and too busy are not the signs a man is looking for...

[Happy Lemming]

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

, so necklines are high and skirts are long). 

 

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Hot older teacher? That's what you text about?

@Wiseman2 I was thinking the same thing, like sending him a pic of her in her long skirt and high neckline blouse, with the caption. "Guess what I have on underneath and you'll get an A on your driving test" or something similar.

Yes, be flirty and and fun without sending any nude or semi-nude pics.

Getting his motor running a bit, as this budding relationship seems to be idling in "Park".

[poppyfields]

12 hours ago, Shining One said:

You still haven't told him when you're available. How can he ask you out if you don't tell him when you can go out? All you're providing is a bunch of times you can't go out.

How can he ask her out?  By suggesting a time she is not unavailable and if she's free on that day, planning a nice date.

I am thinking mort needs a more confident, take charge man, one who doesn't need his hand held by providing available dates before he can ask her out.

This is not a business meeting for goodness sakes, it's a romantic date, courtship if you will. 

A more confident man would ask her out for a specific day, she is either free or she isn't, and if she's not, either he or she could suggest an alternative day when she is free.  Or when they are both free.

Edited August 22, 2020 by poppyfields

[Shining One]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I am thinking mort needs a more confident, take charge man, one who doesn't need his hand held by providing available dates before he can ask her out.

Speaking as a more confident man (probably), I'd have made plans with a different woman by now.

[FMW]

With all the differing opinions, here's a thought - set an actual second date, stop talking about how you don't have any time.  Are neither of you able to schedule anything a week out?  Give it one more shot, and if nothing comes of it, then so be it.    

I know many feel it's ideal for the man to always take all the initiative and to pursue with great enthusiasm.  But so far that's not panning out for you.  So your choice is to keep blocking every guy that doesn't meet all your criteria and  that isn't full steam ahead pursuing you (even in the face of your apparent disinterest), and stay single and in waiting mode - or to maybe consider other options and ideas about handling dating. BTW, from what I have seen, men who take all the initiative and express great interest in women from the get go don't have more successful relationships than men who might take a slower and more thoughtful approach.  Maybe more short-lived ones, but not better.   It's simply a difference in style and preference.  

The big thing, mortensorchid, is that you need to let down your walls, stop putting out signals verbally and otherwise that you just aren't interested or available.  We've all been hurt, some very badly.  But unless you want to stay alone in your safe bubble, you're going to have to risk some disappointment and hurt feelings.  Just keep your expectations in line and it's not that great of a risk. 

I don't see anything in what you've written about this guy that warrants a hard "Next".  I think it's great that you've continued texting.  As long as you don't build up unrealistic expectations, there is no harm in seeing how things work out.  These are just dates to get to know each other, not critical make or break events.  Most dates are NOT going to turn into long lasting relationships, so there is nothing wrong with a more relaxed and less guarded approach.  Give things a chance to unfold.   

[hippychick3]

No man who who is genuinely interested in a woman is “bad at communication” especially in the beginning stages. It’s an excuse. 

[Shining One]

5 hours ago, hippychick3 said:

No man who who is genuinely interested in a woman is “bad at communication” especially in the beginning stages.

How genuinely interested should a man be in a woman who has blown him off twice and keeps telling him how unavailable she is?

[Eternal Sunshine]

But MO is already initiating 100% of the contact. When has she blown him off? Has he suggested a time and place and she said no? I don't see this has happened.

The fact that she didn't extend the first meet with an online stranger after his suggestion? Most people treat first meets as a pre-date screening and only allocate an hour or so, this is normal in OLD. If he was in any doubt after, she re-affirmed her interest by texting him first.

 

[mortensorchid]

Alright then, what do I need to do for this?  Or any other potential that may come down the pike? 

[Eternal Sunshine]

12 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

Alright then, what do I need to do for this?  Or any other potential that may come down the pike? 

If you really want to see him again, reach out one more time. No chitchat, suggest to meet again and give him day and time when you are free and see how he responds. If he doesn't give you a clear answer, I would move on.