Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 It's not unreasonable to expect contact after sex. Sorry this happened.
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It's not unreasonable to expect contact after sex. Sorry this happened. Absolutely! Hotmess, have you seen him on line or anything? If me, given the intensity of your on-line interactions, three dates, sexual intimacy and the trip you've got planned, I might reach out and ask if he's okay and what happened? Not as an accusation, but sheer and utter confusion. If he ignores that, then he's a d*ick, possible sociopath and you dodged a huge bullet. Edited August 20, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 20, 2020 Author Posted August 20, 2020 1 hour ago, rjc149 said: I hear you. How you feel is how you feel, I'm not invalidating your hopes and the hurtful disappointment. It just seems to me like you invested a bit too much, a bit too soon. When you are getting a lot of chances, missing one isn't a big deal. It came off to me, from your initial post, that you aren't getting many qualified opportunities, which causes over-investment into them when they come along. Using words like "he was my dream come true" conveys that you were more that just a little bummed at a missed chance. There's a lot of weight on this. I'm trying to make you question whether this should be that heavy. To be fair I don't get a lot of qualified opportunities. I feel I have to talk to a lot of people to find someone who's on the same page as I am, but there are other people out there. The bigger issue is that dating has gotten incredibly frustrating, but that's an entirely different subject. I can see your point and I definitely got excited, but not inordinately so imo. It seems like it's semantics, but how else are you supposed to describe someone who ticks all of your boxes. Just like anything in life you don't instantly go oh well and move onto the next. Even with your vindaloo example it's got to work it's course before it comes out and it's onto the next. Reading a lot of the replies here that I think helped everything move along. This is certainly a learning experience, but overall there are SO many other things that could have happened that have nothing to do with me. 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: Absolutely! Hotmess, have you seen him on line or anything? If me, given the intensity of your on-line interactions, three dates, sexual intimacy and the trip you've got planned, I might reach out and ask if he's okay and what happened? Not as an accusation, but sheer and utter confusion. If he ignores that, then he's a d*ick, possible sociopath and you dodged a huge bullet. It says he was last active yesterday so.... he's likely ok, but he's a very direct person and until this incident communication wasn't a problem which is why I've found this silence strange. I thought of saying just that - at this point I'm super confused more than anything else. I plan to give it one last go, but I'm not going to hold my breath. There is no reason to ignore me. All of my attempts to reach out which in total would be 3 were polite, genuine and kind. So if he continues to do so you're right.
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 15 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: To be fair I don't get a lot of qualified opportunities. I feel I have to talk to a lot of people to find someone who's on the same page as I am, but there are other people out there. The bigger issue is that dating has gotten incredibly frustrating, but that's an entirely different subject. I can see your point and I definitely got excited, but not inordinately so imo. It seems like it's semantics, but how else are you supposed to describe someone who ticks all of your boxes. Just like anything in life you don't instantly go oh well and move onto the next. Even with your vindaloo example it's got to work it's course before it comes out and it's onto the next. Reading a lot of the replies here that I think helped everything move along. This is certainly a learning experience, but overall there are SO many other things that could have happened that have nothing to do with me. It says he was last active yesterday so.... he's likely ok, but he's a very direct person and until this incident communication wasn't a problem which is why I've found this silence strange. I thought of saying just that - at this point I'm super confused more than anything else. I plan to give it one last go, but I'm not going to hold my breath. There is no reason to ignore me. All of my attempts to reach out which in total would be 3 were polite, genuine and kind. So if he continues to do so you're right. So you've reached out 3 times since this happened on Sun/Mon? Or 3 times total since you first met him on line? If you have reached out 3 times since Monday, what did your texts say?
Wiseman2 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 19 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: There is no reason to ignore me. All of my attempts to reach out which in total would be 3 were polite, genuine and kind. So if he continues to do so you're right. A normal guy would not make a big deal, no less ignore attempts to contact him, if you were a bit embarrassed and simply stated that. 1
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) I just want to say that I would be so hurt and pissed! Good gawd, what is up with some people, just ghosting like that? You've got a trip planned for chrissakes! Does he not have a conscience, geez! Totally heartless, cruel! All he had to say is after thinking things through, you're not the right fit together, wish each other well and go your own ways. Reimburse him for his portion of the trip. He could even say it in a text if too cowardly to say by phone. But to say nothing, like you no longer exist? He has no conscience, borderline sociopathic. Edited August 20, 2020 by poppyfields 3
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 20, 2020 Author Posted August 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, poppyfields said: So you've reached out 3 times since this happened on Sun/Mon? Or 3 times total since you first met him on line? If you have reached out 3 times since Monday, what did your texts say? I have at this point, only reached out twice since Monday. First text was Monday morning - Hope you have a good day. Are we ok?, then I text Tuesday morning and said - I was embarrassed and sorry for the way I acted. I was nervous and that's not the impression I wanted to make I hope you understand that's not how I normally behave. The third time would be the what happened/I'm so confused text I hope you're ok text. 13 minutes ago, poppyfields said: I just want to say that I would be so hurt and pissed! Good gawd, what is up with some people, just ghosting like that? You've got a trip planned for chrissakes! Does he not have a conscience, geez! Totally heartless, cruel! All he had to say is after thinking things through, you're not the right fit together, wish each other well and go your own ways. Reimburse him for his portion of the trip. But to say nothing, like you no longer exist? Borderline sociopathic, imo. You are so right... I totally don't understand the whole thing he doesn't have to say anything extravagant, but at least communicate. What is so hard about that?? He wants to avoid this interaction so bad he doesn't care about leaving $250 on the table that I owe him for the hotel. I mean unless he called and was able to get a refund I'd want the money I was owed if it was me.
elaine567 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 30 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: he doesn't care about leaving $250 on the table that I owe him for the hotel. He will be going with someone else I guess. That is maybe why he paid for it in the first place. He controls who goes.
bobjon Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Point blank, dude is done, but that is not really your fault or issue. Truth, I think your drinking probably got in the way, BUT, let me speak from experience, if you like to get a little tipsy and he doesn't like that, you will hate life later with him. You have to be honest with who you really are. I personally don't think there is a problem with getting sh&* faced every now and then, and if he was that type, it probably should not bother him, but just maybe he now sees you as a habitual drunk. Guy might make an excuse later, and you will probably bite, but no dude will leave you in the cold for days if they gots dem fuzzies. If the period issue is an actual issue, he is a dud anyway because that sort of thing happens. Are you guys like 22yo? 1
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 20, 2020 Author Posted August 20, 2020 21 minutes ago, bobjon said: Are you guys like 22yo? No I’m 30 and he’s 28
bobjon Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Then accept his lack of reply as a mark of his character and move ON! Do NOT dwell on the fact that you might have messed up a date because you DIDN'T. You may never know what his issue was, but I can bet you are losing sleep over it. Stop contact and try to forget. If he contacts a month later, tell him to tell him to pound sand until it resembles a diamond, then piss on it. Truth, I did this sort of thing to a woman a LONG time ago and still feel bad about it. She was a doctor that flew 5 states away to spend a weekend with me. Least I could have done is level with her!!!!! That was immature of me and I regret it that! Learn from this!!! 1
OnlyHonesty Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 If everything else happened, but you did not have sex with him, would you still be this worried....
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 45 minutes ago, OnlyHonesty said: If everything else happened, but you did not have sex with him, would you still be this worried.... Yes
beentheredonethat77 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) Your post stood out to me because I had something very similar happen once.. -- without going into too much detail it also involved some menstrual blood (and me having one too many -- not terribly so but certainly tipsy for a non-drinker like me). It was not one of my finest hours .. but perfectly forgiveable as up until that point he had enough of an idea of who i was as a person to know this was not my usual style.. The end result was that he admitted to being turned off by our first and only sexual experience at the sight and 'scent' of the blood and the "whole thing" as he described. We did it in his lovely bed with fresh sheets (even though a towel was involved it did leave a little mess). I even apologized and wanted to change them .. and he tried to act unfazed.. but clearly he was. It was something he wasn't used to, he would later say. He couldn't get over it in the moment and couldn't get away from me fast enough the next day (faking a phone meeting so he could get me out). and went cold as ice for weeks. He came back weeks later after seeing me with friends, and i guess once his stomach had settled This was a man who was so eager in at the start that i was actually feeling pressure for a relationship and he was the one saying he saw something long-term and i was bringing him back to reality with 'we're just getting to know eachother' -- yet after the sight blood his whole attitude changed. He went *cold* as ice... as if i'd done something terribly offensive We talked openly about it later and he completely owned his immaturity over the matter, also admitting that he was so confused by his own sudden change of feelings toward me that he couldn't even tell me (hence the cold ghost) he just knew he didn't feel sexually attracted any more.. Anyway, i was turned off by his immature boy-like 'icks' over something like this. He saw me through mutual friends again and i guess with a time healing his emotional wounds /s , he wanted to date again and i was of course not interested, but always remember that 'period guy' as my friends refer to him. I think the blood was the issue but he tied it all up with the drinking and 'whole thing' -- (basically unable to really put his finger on it just knowing that he was grossed out by the experience). . It just turned him off.. the same way people are turned off by certain things. Things you often get over once you spend a lot of time with the person an genuine feelings are established. Your guy probably knows its bizarre/ immature and not a great reason to end it so hes probably just pretending you dont exist right now so he doesn't have to process his feelings and explain them like a big boy. Edited August 21, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 1
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 21, 2020 Author Posted August 21, 2020 So I bit of an update. I did end up texting him this morning asking him to explain what happened and I was pretty surprised that he did write back. He said the drinking was a turn off for him and I was doing things I didn't even realize I did (ex. talking over him). I'm glad I did apologize because I definitely owed him an apology. He said that he was just really disappointed with how the night turned out after such a great day and he was sorry but it was just too much for him. I really can't blame him, when I look at it from his perspective it was not a fun way to end the night. It would have been nice to hear this from him sooner and not be ignored, but I get it and appreciate his reply. I haven't decided how I want to respond yet, but any advice would be appreciated. I'm not sure what I want from this interaction anymore. I'm honestly not sure if I can come back from it I think he's done.
Wiseman2 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 20 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: So I bit of an update. I did end up texting him this morning asking him to explain what happened and I was pretty surprised that he did write back. He said the drinking was a turn off for him and I was doing things I didn't even realize I did (ex. talking over him). I'm glad I did apologize because I definitely owed him an apology. He said that he was just really disappointed with how the night turned out after such a great day and he was sorry but it was just too much for him. I really can't blame him, when I look at it from his perspective it was not a fun way to end the night. It would have been nice to hear this from him sooner and not be ignored, but I get it and appreciate his reply. I haven't decided how I want to respond yet, but any advice would be appreciated. I'm not sure what I want from this interaction anymore. I'm honestly not sure if I can come back from it I think he's done. Sorry to hear that. It doesn't require a reply, but why not think about it.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I think I would just leave it here. My sense is that there’s still more to it than he’s letting on, but really, it shouldn’t have taken three nudges from you to get a response. It just isn’t a match for him and he evidently didn’t see the point in letting you know until you flat-out asked him what the problem was. 3
nospam99 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 Thank him for giving you an honest explanation and wish him well.
elaine567 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 1 hour ago, Hotmess118 said: He said the drinking was a turn off for him and I was doing things I didn't even realize I did (ex. talking over him) Yeah, so turned off he still managed to have sex with you... before he went cold... Stop being a doomat, the guy ghosted you after he got what he wanted, he doesn't deserve a reply. 3
beentheredonethat77 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) If you reply do not agree hes right --- He is overreacting (unless you were rude and belligerent -thats another case) and i agree with ExpatItaly -- there is more to it. Regardless, ghosting you after being intimate and disrespecting you like that, what a worse offense than having one too many drinks. One was a silly mistake -- the other was (his ghosting) was done sober and over days. I'd personally be inclined to ignore and go dark. Though, sometimes Im a believer of always leaving on a respectful, warm note -(not because he deserves it.. but because i want him to think he may have made a mistake letting a good one go) - i think this packs more of a punch than giving him further reason to think you were a bad match. With a nice light response showing you are the better person in this equation. I'd say "I see. Well, please know i think you're a (insert compliment -- fun / interesting .. whatever he is) person and i really enjoyed our limited time together (minus the last few hours which for my own dignity i hereby strike from the record ;-:) and i truly wish you the very best (his name)! xxx " .. --- Edited August 21, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 1
beentheredonethat77 Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Yeah, so turned off he still managed to have sex with you... before he went cold... Stop being a doomat, the guy ghosted you after he got what he wanted, he doesn't deserve a reply. Yep. Sleeping with a drunk/vulnerable woman doesn't exactly give him the moral high ground to judge you for being drunk on the date. He cant have it both ways -- judge you and dont sleep with you -- or sleep with you and get the eff over it. Instead, he ghosts you --- hes a total douche (and you being drunk wasn't the sole reason im sure -- just a convenient excuse that might make you slink away in mortification). Also, dont 'appreciate' his response.. it came way too late and was the least he could do after being so rude -- you slept with him! He doesn't deserve a medal for writing a few lines after ignoring you for days. You dodged a bullet with this jerk. Edited August 21, 2020 by beentheredonethat77 5
Timshel Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 I don't think there is more to it. He was turned off and handled it poorly. Don't reply, what would be the point? I agree with other posters that pointed out being drunk and menstruating on your first sexual encounter probably was too much. He answered from a place of guilt and there is no reason to badger him for a back and forth. Let it go.
ShyViolet Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 3 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: I haven't decided how I want to respond yet, but any advice would be appreciated. I'm not sure what I want from this interaction anymore. I'm honestly not sure if I can come back from it I think he's done. Why would you reply? You don't actually think there's a chance for this relationship to continue after this? It's pretty clear that it is done. Don't bother replying to him. Or maybe you could just give a very short reply like "Ok thanks for your honesty" and leave it at that.
Timshel Posted August 21, 2020 Posted August 21, 2020 2 hours ago, beentheredonethat77 said: Also, dont 'appreciate' his response.. it came way too late and was the least he could do after being so rude -- you slept with him! He doesn't deserve a medal for writing a few lines after ignoring you for days. You dodged a bullet with this jerk. Ofcourse, Hotmess is 30, not 18.
rjc149 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 If that was his honest reason, that you got a little drunk and talkative and weren’t 100% cognizant of conversation etiquette, and it was just too much for him to handle and required several days of the silent treatment, he sounds like a little bitch. I would choose a more forum-friendly term if could think of one, but really can’t think of another way to say it. Do you truly still feel like you missed an opportunity here? Or are you just stung that your ego got nipped? 3
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