Fun drunken day awkward morning

[Hotmess118]

11 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

His bizarre behaviour would certainly suggest that imo.

I really do appreciate everyone's input and suggestions it is helpful because I think the hardest thing for me is that this is pretty bizarre. I realize that we were still getting to know each other and we didn't know each other well, but it's still kind of shocking to me. He didn't have to do things that he did if he was planning on walking away.

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he is processing something and may get back to you. However don't apologize or have a relationship talk if he does. Just hear it out. If he did indeed ghost, he seems shady.

I'm a hopeful person and it'd be nice to at least have him get back to me, even if it's just for closure, but I almost always think it's worth it to hear someone out. I appreciate a male perspective.

[elaine567]

31 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

, I highly doubt it has anything to do with you getting drunk,

Women all over the world get drunk every day of the week and men do not dump or ghost them for it. 
Sometimes very drunk, sometimes vomiting, sometimes blacking out sometimes speaking absolute rubbish, sometimes not being able to walk.. etc. etc.
It is a side effect of drinking alcohol...
Any normal man would have said something like "Sorry but I am not comfortable with women who get that drunk, so bye." or just "Sorry I am not feeling it".
He has chosen to ghost you and that is not good, even if he does decide to resurface nothing justifies this. You will never really trust him again.

I think there is a whole band of men and women who seek out long distance relationships because they cannot hack the closeness of a normal relationship.
Next time find a man closer to home, a guy you can kiss and hug every night if you want to.  A  guy you can suss out in real life. 
Forget these shady guys who are here today, gone tomorrow, selling you a fake dream to get what they want. 
Long distance tends to attract them as it suits their MO.

[poppyfields]

One thing to understand about men (and women) with commitment fears is, while they are unable to commit to moving forward, they are also unable to commit to ending it.

So they ghost.  

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Women all over the world get drunk every day of the week and men do not dump or ghost them for it. 
Sometimes very drunk, sometimes vomiting, sometimes blacking out sometimes speaking absolute rubbish, sometimes not being able to walk.. etc. etc.
It is a side effect of drinking alcohol...
Any normal man would have said something like "Sorry but I am not comfortable with women who get that drunk, so bye." or just "Sorry I am not feeling it".
He has chosen to ghost you and that is not good, even if he does decide to resurface nothing justifies this. You will never really trust him again.

I think there is a whole band of men and women who seek out long distance relationships because they cannot hack the closeness of a normal relationship.
Next time find a man closer to home, a guy you can kiss and hug every night if you want to.  A  guy you can suss out in real life. 
Forget these shady guys who are here today, gone tomorrow, selling you a fake dream to get what they want. 
Long distance tends to attract them as it suits their MO.

Spot on sista!!

[Hotmess118]

I understand that ghosting has become the reality of today's dating world, but that doesn't make it OK. I think as a society we've kind of just accepted it as "that's the way it is" and that's a huge part of the problem. We're all supposed to be adults, we know how to use our words. We don't have to be aggressive about it, but if no one says anything that just normalizes the behavior.

In this specific situation I dunno it's a bummer. I really thought there was real potential, but onto the next one I guess and it's much better to find this out now. I still wish I had some sort of explanation but that's kind of just who I am as a person and it's very likely I'll never get one.

 

[JRabbit]

1 minute ago, Hotmess118 said:

I understand that ghosting has become the reality of today's dating world, but that doesn't make it OK. I think as a society we've kind of just accepted it as "that's the way it is" and that's a huge part of the problem. We're all supposed to be adults, we know how to use our words. We don't have to be aggressive about it, but if no one says anything that just normalizes the behavior.

In this specific situation I dunno it's a bummer. I really thought there was real potential, but onto the next one I guess and it's much better to find this out now. I still wish I had some sort of explanation but that's kind of just who I am as a person and it's very likely I'll never get one.

 

It's not OK but you can not make anyone reply to you.

As one poster mentioned, you have your answer. He's avoidant attachment style, which means running without explanation for no reason other than he has issues with commitment.

[Hotmess118]

3 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

It's not OK but you can not make anyone reply to you.

No I can't, no one can, but it's kind of like if you see something say something. That's my opinion.

[JRabbit]

Just now, Hotmess118 said:

No I can't, no one can, but it's kind of like if you see something say something. That's my opinion.

hey, I'm not going to act like I'm above revenge for being ghosted....not proud of some things I have done in the past when it happened to me LOL but I will share my wisdom that closure comes from knowing it is their issue, not yours.  The trash took itself out.

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said:

I understand that ghosting has become the reality of today's dating world, but that doesn't make it OK.

In this specific situation I dunno it's a bummer. I really thought there was real potential, but onto the next one I guess and it's much better to find this out now. I still wish I had some sort of explanation but that's kind of just who I am as a person and it's very likely I'll never get one.

 

Leaving someone in the lurch and not responding has nothing to do with attachment styles or modern dating styles. It's just rude. It's unclear if he will eventually respond when he's back home when coolers heads prevail. But a quick text to that effect would have been a courtesy. Don't buy into how common anything is or whatever attachment styles he has. 

Sleeping with someone you have met before talked to over the course of time and planned a night away with, then crickets is unnerving. However the one thing learned here is a side of him that you did not anticipate and if he does ever respond, would be worth reflecting on. Would you even bother again or has this episode with him left you gun-shy?

[JRabbit]

@Wiseman2 science disagrees

[poppyfields]

3 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

He didn't have to do things that he did if he was planning on walking away.

But that's the thing, he didn't "plan" to walk away or ghost.  

I think this was mentioned earlier, but sex has the power to make or break.

No matter how sure we think we are about someone AND ourselves, no one really knows how they're gonna feel after becoming sexually intimate for the first time.  

Ask men, many say they won't agree to having a RL until they have sex, in fact Shining One, a male poster on this forum, stated that the other day.  

Women are the opposite. Not all but most need a RL before sex.

This guy's mistake was getting caught up in the fantasy, which is very very easy to do on-line. 

He made plans with you, talking future.  When the reality was, you had only met twice, had not spent nearly enough time together in person, to be talking about the future.

That is why, as elaine said, it's best to stay away from men who contact you and live a long distance away. 

In my experience, most are fantasy-driven, otherwise they would be contacting local women where having a real live in-person relationship is the goal.

I'm really sorry, god that sucks!  Easier said than done, but try to not take it personally.

Guy has issues/fears that were there way WAY before he met you.

And will be there with the next woman as well.

Spend some time researching avoidant attachment and commitment fears so you know what to look for and avoid next time. 

Huge lesson can be learned from this.

 

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

@Wiseman2 science disagrees

Wait...Ghosting is a disease?

[Hotmess118]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Leaving someone in the lurch and not responding has nothing to do with attachment styles or modern dating styles. It's just rude. It's unclear if he will eventually respond when he's back home when coolers heads prevail. But a quick text to that effect would have been a courtesy. Don't buy into how common anything is or whatever attachment styles he has. 

Sleeping with someone you have met before talked to over the course of time and planned a night away with, then crickets is unnerving. However the one thing learned here is a side of him that you did not anticipate and if he does ever respond, would be worth reflecting on. Would you even bother again or has this episode with him left you gun-shy?

I agree with you I don't think you can determine someone's entire attachment style with one interaction, the same way you don't know someone after meeting them once. There are really so many factors that can contribute to what's going on and we can speculate all day, but the only person who can really tell me isn't talking to me.

I think It's hard to say whether or not I would bother again. Right now I'm really upset/anxious, but I know how I felt before this and it felt really good. I also know that this isn't a healthy way to handle conflict and right now feels really crappy. It's hard to let go of what seemed really promising. I think it would all depend on what he had to say to be honest. I'm definitely a big believer in forgiveness and second chances. It's hard to determine if something is a one time mistake or habitual, but I can't be quick to judge especially since I would want someone to give me the same consideration.

I'm clearly conflicted. It's hard to just forget about the way things were. I'm preparing for the worst/starting to move on and let go, but I can still hope for the best.

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

But that's the thing, he didn't "plan" to walk away or ghost.  

I think this was mentioned earlier, but sex has the power to make or break.

No matter how sure we think we are about someone AND ourselves, no one really knows how they're gonna feel after becoming sexually intimate for the first time.  

Ask men, many say they won't agree to having a RL until they have sex, in fact Shining One, a male poster on this forum, stated that the other day.  

Women are the opposite. Not all but most need a RL before sex.

This guy's mistake was getting caught up in the fantasy, which is very very easy to do on-line. 

He made plans with you, talking future.  When the reality is, you had only met twice, had not spent nearly enough time together in person, to be talking about the future.

That is why, as elaine said, it's best to stay away from men who contact you and live a long distance away. 

In my experience, most are fantasy-driven, otherwise they would be contacting local women where having real live in-person relationship is the goal.

I'm really sorry, god that sucks!  Easier said than done, but try to not take it personally.

Guy has issues/fears that were there way before he met you.

And will be there with the next woman as well.

Just so we're clear neither of us sought out a long distance relationship and in reality we're only 3 hours away from each other which to me wasn't a big deal especially for how much chemistry we had. We met right away to make sure we weren't wasting each other's time. I won't usually even date anyone 30 minutes away, but the connection felt real. Long distance wasn't either of our MOs and this could easily have happened with someone local. Before everything went down this weekend we had planned on seeing each other at least twice a week.

Talking about living in the same area is totally normal imo and also ultimately not a huge lifestyle adjustment for me. I work from home, I'm not in a lease, I don't have much stuff and it's only three hours away if something happened I would just move back. It's not like I was planning on moving halfway across the world for love. We weren't planning some crazy unrealistic fantasy. I don't think hoping for a healthy and happy relationship is chasing a fantasy.

The sex was great, mutually acknowledged that, and when we went to bed after the sex things were good he cuddled me, kissed me and held me. I've been with guys where the sex is bad or the relationship isn't working and it's awkward when you have to share a bed afterwards. I appreciate your opinion and I like getting a good mix of perspectives, but I also think you're making an awful lot of assumptions.

Obviously there is somewhere that I am missing or that I misjudged something otherwise I wouldn't be in the position that I am, but that could happen to anyone in any situation.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Hotmess118

[ExpatInItaly]

Someone mentioned earlier, but I do have to wonder if he’s not as single as he presented himself to be and feels guilty having spent the night with you. 

Whatever happens, you’re learning he doesn’t deal with issues very effectively. It’s one thing to need some time to think something over and let the person know that you’ll be in touch shortly to discuss.  It’s another to just not respond at all. I have a feeling he will eventually be in touch, but I suspect it might be to tell you that he’s not sure about this anymore. There’s a reason he’s holding off on replying to you and I think it’s because he knows you won’t be happy to hear whatever it is he needs to say. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, JRabbit said:

He's avoidant attachment style

I know. I'm attached to and avoid my phone

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

His assumed reality isn't what's normal for me. It's not about being a fantasy, the reality is that we can go out, not drink or not drink as much and still have a great time like we have have previously. 

You're assuming that the whole reason he is no longer interested in you is because you got too drunk.  That might not be the reason.  It might be that once he spent more time with you in person, he realized he wasn't as into you as he thought he was.  This was only your third time meeting in person, and your first time spending the night. 

[poppyfields]

I'm sorry I am not making myself clear and quite frankly we are all assuming at this point, including yourself.  None of us know what's going on, so all we can do is speculate and assume.

I am sure the sex was fabulous, he asked to cuddle afterwards, it sounds like he got super close.

It's not about bad sex, I never said it was.  In fact often times the better the sex, the closer he feels, the greater the fear!  

I mean why else would he have ghosted like this, if not some sort of fear?  

It was so sudden, so drastic, it appeared like he was in a total panic!

Again, fight or flight.  Avoidant.  Commitment fears.  Do some research on line if you want to learn.  They are very real issues for many people.

Nuff said from me, all the best. 

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Hotmess118]

@poppyfields I think I understand better what you mean now, thanks!

[rjc149]

Guy here. 

My take, it had nothing to do with you getting drunk. If a guy likes you and is sexually attracted to you, you can get away with murder.

Drawing from personal experience, I think something about the sex turned him off. Right after sex, of course he'll want to cuddle and kiss and bask in that post-coital, alcohol-numbed buzz. But something about the sexual fantasy he had of you in his mind met reality. Pure speculation, obviously. Maybe he can't handle blood, which means he isn't a real man. Maybe the whole experience -- bloody drunk sex, hot room, no sleep, hungover, a girl who now has even higher expectations on him -- he turned and ran. He needed to create distance. 

And he may be back once he's had some breathing room. But now you know how he handles stress and anxiety. He runs away scared and abandons those who trust him. Sexy, huh.

He isn't worth being sad over. You didn't lose anything, except the somewhat unhealthy fantasy that you're going to marry and have kids with a man you've met a few times, and hardly know, because you felt "a connection." I know it's fatuous for some random dude on the internet to tell you "no loss" when you're feeling this way. Getting ghosted bugs the sh-t out of me too. I would say that the reason you are getting so swept up by acquaintances (this guy was essentially that) lies in a deeper insecurity you have. You have to watch out for #1 first. 

 

Edited August 20, 2020 by rjc149

[chillii]

Any word yet op ?

At any rate if it's any consolation that was very strange behavior from him considering , and now this ! l mean if this is his way of opting out he's got a screw loose.

Edited August 20, 2020 by chillii

[Hotmess118]

12 hours ago, rjc149 said:

You didn't lose anything, except the somewhat unhealthy fantasy that you're going to marry and have kids with a man you've met a few times, and hardly know, because you felt "a connection." 

Just to be clear I wasn’t planning a wedding and didn’t have some crazy fantasy. Yes, I was excited that he wanted things I want too. Most guys don’t want to get married and even more of them don’t want kids. It was refreshing to meet someone I was on the same page with and it’s not unhealthy to be excited about having the same goals as someone you’re interested in. Yes I liked the guy and I’m bummed about what happened but I don’t think it’s fair to call me insecure because I was hopeful about potential. If I was the other way around I’d be called stand-offish or disinterested. I feel like girls have to spend so much time evaluating what we do or how we say things because we’re harshly criticized.

I don’t want to be cynical or jaded and even though this sucks, it just means it wasn’t meant to be. I’ll get up dust myself off and move on, but the reason I posted is because to me the whole thing was so bizarre. I appreciate all of the suggestions and the insights. I’m a very logical person and just want to make some sense out of this.

7 hours ago, chillii said:

Any word yet op ?

Unfortunately no

[rjc149]

On 8/17/2020 at 6:17 PM, Hotmess118 said:

I feel so stupid this was my dream come true relationship and partner. Everything is ever wanted and he wanted to get married and have a family. 

For your reference. A guy you've met 3 times, had sex with once. This isn't hope for potential, this is a projection of fantasy. Unless you have re-evaluated statements made in what was probably an emotional state. 

9 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said:

Most guys don’t want to get married and even more of them don’t want kids.

This is factually untrue, and an assumption you're making based on a scarcity mindset. There are plenty of great guys out there who want marriage and children. Who would want that with you. But you don't feel those options are available to you. It's not that this is some a**h*** who ghosted you, it's that this was your chance at happiness, and now that chance is gone. That's rooted in insecurity. 

And I think your somewhat defensive reactions here are also a function of insecurity. The purpose isn't to call you names or force you to admit that you're less of a person. It's just to get you realize that there are rude and inconsiderate people who ghost, and you encountered one of them. It's aggravating but after 3 dates, that's all it should be. Not your last chance. Not the end of the world. Aggravating. Like vindaloo curry is to my intestinal tract. Out, next. 

[Mystery4u]

I don't see anything that you did 'wrong', including getting drunk and blood. Nothing wrong with either of them.

Has he actually read your messages? Have you tried to call him?

His actions are very weird, and he is the only one that knows why.

Either way, definitely looks like he is not the 'one' you were looking for.

[Hotmess118]

35 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

This is factually untrue, and an assumption you're making based on a scarcity mindset. There are plenty of great guys out there who want marriage and children. Who would want that with you. But you don't feel those options are available to you. It's not that this is some a**h*** who ghosted you, it's that this was your chance at happiness, and now that chance is gone. That's rooted in insecurity. 

And I think your somewhat defensive reactions here are also a function of insecurity. The purpose isn't to call you names or force you to admit that you're less of a person. It's just to get you realize that there are rude and inconsiderate people who ghost, and you encountered one of them. It's aggravating but after 3 dates, that's all it should be. Not your last chance. Not the end of the world. Aggravating. Like vindaloo curry is to my intestinal tract. Out, next. 

To preface, I appreciate a good discourse and the sharing of ideas and thoughts. This whole process has actually been incredibly fascinating to see all of the different opinions and thoughts that stemmed from the original post.

In my experience I have found what I said to be true. I didn't base my statement based on an assumption. Why do you think I don't feel like those options aren't available to me? We're all a little bummed out when we feel like we missed an opportunity... Whether it's personal relationships, jobs, sports... it's normal to be upset about a missed chance. Now if it ruins your life that's a different story, you shouldn't hold onto regret. If there's nothing at stake and we're just going through the motions without caring what is the point of living?

I think the desire to explain something in more detail stems from a desire to be understood, not necessarily insecurity.

I've encountered plenty of ghosters. This was A chance not my last or only chance, but it was still a chance. It can be disheartening to have to start back at square one, but that doesn't mean someone won't.

59 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Has he actually read your messages? Have you tried to call him?

His actions are very weird, and he is the only one that knows why.

Either way, definitely looks like he is not the 'one' you were looking for.

That's actually a good question I don't know if he's read them and I haven't tried to call. After I apologized and hadn't heard from him I felt like giving him space was the right thing to do. I'll likely make a last ditch effort to reach out and leave it at that. With everything that happened I'm not really that invested/interested anymore, I'm more interested in an explanation than anything.

[rjc149]

5 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said:

To preface, I appreciate a good discourse and the sharing of ideas and thoughts. This whole process has actually been incredibly fascinating to see all of the different opinions and thoughts that stemmed from the original post.

In my experience I have found what I said to be true. I didn't base my statement based on an assumption. Why do you think I don't feel like those options aren't available to me? We're all a little bummed out when we feel like we missed an opportunity... Whether it's personal relationships, jobs, sports... it's normal to be upset about a missed chance. Now if it ruins your life that's a different story, you shouldn't hold onto regret. If there's nothing at stake and we're just going through the motions without caring what is the point of living?

I think the desire to explain something in more detail stems from a desire to be understood, not necessarily insecurity.

I hear you. How you feel is how you feel, I'm not invalidating your hopes and the hurtful disappointment. It just seems to me like you invested a bit too much, a bit too soon. When you are getting a lot of chances, missing one isn't a big deal. It came off to me, from your initial post, that you aren't getting many qualified opportunities, which causes over-investment into them when they come along. Using words like "he was my dream come true" conveys that you were more that just a little bummed at a missed chance. There's a lot of weight on this. I'm trying to make you question whether this should be that heavy.