Fun drunken day awkward morning

[poppyfields]

I am going to make a very broad generalization here, but since you met on line and he lives a long distance away, he may be a "commitmentphobe." 

Commitmentphobes love long distance, don't be surprised if he responds telling you it won't work cause the distance is too great, even though he knew that going in.

It's a pretty common excuse from what I've seen, read and heard. 

Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said:

We’ve met twice In person before this and I’ve known him for about a month and a half. 

This is why I asked. 

You still hardly know him. He might be great, or he might not. The point is that it is much too soon to be thinking about moving for him, or considering him your dream man and dream relationship. Three dates is simply nowhere near enough in-person quality time to really know someone. 

Slow down. Way down. I think part of your anxiety now stems from the fact that you have built up very high expectations and now you're realizing that you actually have no clear idea yet about how he operates. 

[Hotmess118]

I really appreciate everyone’s insights and advice!

Ultimately I just have to talk to him everything is just speculation at this point. I don’t understand why he won’t talk to me, but I can’t pressure him because I’m uncomfortable and anxious. It’s not only my feelings that matter. I just wish I knew what the problem was. If he can’t bring himself to talk to me I’ll know it’s not right. Couples have to be able to problem solve and communicate.

I think we both had big expectations for what could happen with this relationship. It certainly wasn’t one sided. It might have been quick, but that’s why we’re spending time in person before we make a decision to move. When it’s right sometimes it’s just right And you gotta go for it, but better for me to find these things out now. You can know someone for years and not really know them or understand how they operate. There’s never a guarantee.

[poppyfields]

How long has it been since this happened?  If I missed earlier, apologies  but just read your initial post again and didn't see where you mentioned when this happened.

[Hotmess118]

6 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

How long has it been since this happened?  If I missed earlier, apologies  but just read your initial post again and didn't see where you mentioned when this happened.

This happened on Sunday/Monday morning so it’s only been about a day. He’s staying at that hotel for the rest of the week for work so maybe that is a factor too.

[poppyfields]

41 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said:

This happened on Sunday/Monday morning so it’s only been about a day. He’s staying at that hotel for the rest of the week for work so maybe that is a factor too.

hotness, please stop making excuses for his or any man's poor behaviour -- he didn't get enough sleep, he has to work, you got drunk etc.

When a man is interested, none of that will prevent him from pursuing you.  Please know that. 

There is something else at play here.  

Frankly since you were kind enough to reach out and apologize, when imo you didn't even do anything to apologize for, I think it's rude and insensitive of him to be ignoring you like this.  I mean you just had first time sex with the guy!  

I think at this point, I would be rethinking whether or not I want to move forward with him!

I get that sometimes a man needs to process, but he is going beyond that and acting like a humongous jerk.

 

Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

I think we both had big expectations for what could happen with this relationship. It certainly wasn’t one sided. It might have been quick, but that’s why we’re spending time in person before we make a decision to move. When it’s right sometimes it’s just right And you gotta go for it, but better for me to find these things out now. You can know someone for years and not really know them or understand how they operate. There’s never a guarantee.

That's the issue, though - how would one even know it's right when you barely know the person in question? I don't mean to suggest this is one-sided, but it is too soon to have such grand expectations yet. Have you ever even been to his house? Seen how he lives his daily life, interacts with the people around him, handles life's ups and downs? 

And you certainly have a better chance of knowing someone and understanding their character over the course of plenty of in-person time together as opposed to three dates. Let's be realistic, here. It's nice to fantasize that a new love interest is The One but you are letting your emotions and initial excitement cloud your better judgment. There are no guarantees in life, of course, but you can do a much better job mitigating the risk and looking out for your own best interests by taking your time. 

I think the important take-away from all of this is to keep both feet on the ground when it's early days. Don't make future plans with any guy before you have more real, tangible information about him to base those plans on. You are seeing that he might not be the the amazing match for you that you hoped he was. See what happens in coming days and if he contacts you again to share what's up; don't make excuses for his silence. Staying at a hotel isn't the reason he's not replying. 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

This happened on Sunday/Monday morning so it’s only been about a day. He’s staying at that hotel for the rest of the week for work so maybe that is a factor too.

Why did he want to meet at a hotel? 

[ShyViolet]

This is why it's never a good idea to talk about marriage, kids, moving in together, with someone who you had only met in person twice before and only known for a month and a half.  You built up a fantasy of him in your head, but in all honestly you barely knew each other.  You didn't get a chance to really find out if you have the in-person chemistry with each other before you allowed yourself to get all caught up in this idea that you were in a serious relationship.  When people have been dating a month and a half, they're still not showing each other their "true" selves.  They're still putting on this little act around each other and showing their best self, a side to them that they want to show.  After a while, people drop the act and start being more unfiltered.  That's the true test of a relationship.  

This was only your first time spending the night together.  It sounds like the reality came crashing down on him once he spent the night with you, and he realized that he's not as attracted to you as he thought he was.  It's definitely not just because of the A/C.  

I'm sure you've learned from this experience not to get too drunk when you're with a guy, but I think there's a much bigger lesson to learn here.  Do not let yourself get caught up in a fantasy and start talking about marriage, moving in together, when you only just started dating someone and you barely know them.  That's just poor judgment.  Rushing things prematurely usually ends badly.

 

[Hotmess118]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Why did he want to meet at a hotel? 

He had to take a class for work and we wanted to be able to spend more time together. If I went over to his house we’d only have been able to spend a few hours. Perhaps we rushed into staying the night together, but the choices we made were motivated by wanting to spend more time together because we liked each other.

This isn’t my first rodeo I’ve online dated before I know the difference between reality and fantasy. I was sharing some of my hopes and dreams, but this is a bit of a tough crowd. This wasn’t one sided feelings were very mutual on both sides. We didn’t talk in detail about US getting married or having kids just that it was a long term goal we both had in common. Which let’s be honest is not common in modern dating, but we weren’t planning our lives so far into the future. Maybe I made the wrong call and let the relationship move too fast, but it felt natural and when you like someone sometimes you have to go for it. The idea was to make each other a priority and spend more time together to see if things were really going to work. 

I wasn’t moving next week or next month, but I knew from the get go I’d have to be the one to move since he has a kid. We were talking about it more seriously because realistically it would have to happen at some point if we wanted the relationship to progress. Didn’t make sense to keep driving and spending time together if that wasn’t a possibility.

Obviously it’s not just the air conditioning but I wish I’d have heard back from him. An explanation would have been nice. I’m honestly just so confused. I didn’t think what happened was unforgivable. I was a bit sloppy but I wasn’t awful. Even when he  left he still kissed me goodbye, but if something else happened I’d have liked the opportunity to redeem myself or at least know what it was so next time around I don’t do it again. 

Edited August 19, 2020 by Hotmess118

[Wiseman2]

No word from him? Have you googled him? It seems like he doesn't want things to go further no matter what happened.

[introverted1]

I think it's really hard to know what happened here. Yes, it's possible he just wanted to hit it and quit it.  But it's also possible that, as a father with a young child, he saw OPs drunkenness as something he was concerned about.  Having only met her 2 times prior, he has no way to know if her drunken day was typical or atypical.  So it could just be that his fantasy of what OP is like came crashing against reality.

[Hotmess118]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

No word from him? Have you googled him? It seems like he doesn't want things to go further no matter what happened.

Still no word. His name is pretty common and it’s legit his name I saw his ID and CCs when we we’ve gone out. I’ve been to his house. I’ve certainly considered it but I don’t think he’s hiding anything.

We had just planned and paid for a weekend away, that was his idea... well he paid I hadn’t given him my half yet. If anything I’d have thought he’d reach out about the money. 

1 minute ago, introverted1 said:

So it could just be that his fantasy of what OP is like came crashing against reality.

If I really go with my gut, this is probably what happened. I was hoping he would give me another chance.

I wish there was more I could do without coming off as clingy or desperate, but I don’t think I can do anything else except wait and hope.

[elaine567]

18 minutes ago, introverted1 said:

Yes, it's possible he just wanted to hit it and quit it. 

Sounds quite likely as no guy wanting to pursue something is going to effectively kill it by coldness and then by going MIA...
Not the kind of a guy you want to get involved with anyway even if he does show up... it is likely a recurring behaviour and will send you crazy.
He does however have a young kid so maybe he felt guilty either because he HAS cheated  on his gf/wife with you, or he FEELS he has cheated on his ex.
Some people take time to get into new  relationships without feeling guilty. It is maybe just too soon for him. 
Or he is just one of those newly single guys who is playing the field...

[Hotmess118]

12 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Sounds quite likely as no guy wanting to pursue something is going to effectively kill it by coldness and then by going MIA...

I appreciate your opinion but it’s a pretty elaborate way to hit it and quit it. He lives in a highly populated area he did not need to go through all of this trouble to get laid. Him and his ex separated several years ago so it’s not something that’s still fresh.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Hotmess118

[FMW]

The guilt option sounds most likely to me. He's feeling guilty about hooking up with you either because he's getting over someone else OR he's actually still with someone else.  

But elaine is right, you don't want to deal with a guy who would just go MIA on you when it suits him, for whatever reason.

[nospam99]

Late to the party, but a hopeless romantic and the vibe I'm getting from OP is that she's 'serious' about wanting an R with this guy. I'm not the kind of guy who would NC a woman under these circumstances, so I don't 'get' him.

OP, you said you sent an apology and request for a 'second chance'. Text? email? something else? Was it flippant or serious? Was there an ''I'm thinking you might be feeling...and I want you to know what I'm feeling.'' paragraph? What did you apologize for? Getting drunk? Bleeding?

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

Obviously it’s not just the air conditioning but I wish I’d have heard back from him. An explanation would have been nice. I’m honestly just so confused. I didn’t think what happened was unforgivable. I was a bit sloppy but I wasn’t awful. Even when he  left he still kissed me goodbye, but if something else happened I’d have liked the opportunity to redeem myself or at least know what it was so next time around I don’t do it again. 

I think it says a lot about him that he hasn't replied at all. It's not good. At the very least, he could acknowledge that he got your messages and will chat later. To say nothing at all doesn't bode well. I'm sorry you're still waiting for a response. 

I also wouldn't assume this is entirely on you. There could be a lot more going on with him that you don't know about which is fueling his current silence. It's hard not to blame yourself when you don't know what's going on, but I would not absorb too much of the responsibility here. He is an adult and needs to speak up if there was something about you or your actions that didn't sit well with him. But again, my feeling is that's not it. 

[Hotmess118]

30 minutes ago, nospam99 said:

OP, you said you sent an apology and request for a 'second chance'. Text? email? something else? Was it flippant or serious? Was there an ''I'm thinking you might be feeling...and I want you to know what I'm feeling.'' paragraph? What did you apologize for? Getting drunk? Bleeding?

I sent a text and as genuine and sincere as an apology you can send via text is what I sent. I kept it short to the point. I apologized for not drinking responsibly and that wasn't the impression I wanted to leave him with and that I hoped he could give me a second chance so that I had the opportunity to show him that's not normal for me. I didn't say this to him, but I'm not a kid anymore and I know better. I would have apologized to anyone for over indulging, not just a guy. We've all done it and it's completely excusable (given that it's not a habit or ridiculously out of control), but that doesn't mean we shouldn't take responsibility for making a mistake.

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think it says a lot about him that he hasn't replied at all. It's not good. At the very least, he could acknowledge that he got your messages and will chat later. To say nothing at all doesn't bode well. I'm sorry you're still waiting for a response. 

I totally agree with you at a bare minimum he could have told me he needs to think about it or thanks, but I'm not interested anymore, he could have at least acknowledged me. Ghosting is just such poor form and I saw he has been online so it's not like something happened to him, he's actively choosing to ignore me.

As many of you have said it's to the point where what he is doing isn't considerate of me and I've really tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but this is getting to be disrespectful.

Edited August 19, 2020 by Hotmess118

[poppyfields]

2 hours ago, Hotmess118 said:

>>So it could just be that his fantasy of what OP is like came crashing against reality.

----

If I really go with my gut, this is probably what happened. I was hoping he would give me another chance.

Assuming that's true (which I think it is), a second chance for what?

To turn reality into fantasy?  

Sweetie, once reality hits, that's it.  And it may have nothing to do with you or anything you did "wrong."

Some men (and women) simply prefer fantasy to reality.  The expectations, the responsibilities of real-life RL turn them off, and it can happen suddenly, without warning, just like it did here (immediately after first time sexual intimacy).

I know of one man who after proposing marriage to his girlfriend, left to get a pack of cigs while his girlfriend (fiance) was in the shower, and never returned. 

She never heard from him again and there are hundreds of stories just.like that!  They are all over the internet, discussed in articles and books.

Please stop beating yourself up about this, trust me he wouldn't go MIA like this because you got drunk. 

If that did turn him off and he did not want to move forward with you, he would have called and ended it politely imo, especially given the fact you have a trip planned and there is an exchange of.money involved. 

You ever heard of "fight or flight"?  As human beings, it's our response to fear.  Either stay and fight or run away (flight).

Imo, this man for whatever reason is running scared.  It may be a fear of commitment like I suggested before or some other fear. 

Doesn't matter, he's gone.  He may return later when his anxiety/panic lifts, he may not.

If he does, my advice would be to not go back.  His behaviour has been very insensitive and cruel, and if this is his response to conflict, whether internal or external, you do not want to go there, trust me!

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Hotmess118]

14 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Assuming that's true (which I think it is), a second chance for what?

To turn reality into fantasy?  

His assumed reality isn't what's normal for me. It's not about being a fantasy, the reality is that we can go out, not drink or not drink as much and still have a great time like we have have previously. I might be a little annoyed if I went out with me that day, but I would have offered to see each other again in the event that someone genuinely apologized. Which he hasn't and the glaring issue now is that he can't even be bothered to communicate or problem solve like an adult. Whatever the reason may be, it only takes 30 seconds to cut the cord so we both can move on.

[JRabbit]

OP, I'm sorry you are being ghosted. It is the actual worst.

I think you really need to listen to what is being said here. No matter what your hear tells you that something is "different" or "special", you can not and should not be planning your life around someone you hardly know.  You said he felt the same too, but it is very clear now that that was not the case. Even if he comes back to you, do you really want a man who can sleep with you then ignore you for days after? What does that tell you about his emotional security?

I have believed my partner felt the same way too, only to be left totally high and dry or found out I was being cheated on, after many future talks and thinking I would be building a life with someone.  To some people, this is just talk.  Future faking, look it up.

I would think long and hard, and in the future it is always better to take things super slow to be sure. I'm not saying don't sleep with someone early, but don't make life plans around someone you hardly know.

[poppyfields]

1 hour ago, Hotmess118 said:

His assumed reality isn't what's normal for me. It's not about being a fantasy, the reality is that we can go out, not drink or not drink as much and still have a great time like we have have previously. I might be a little annoyed if I went out with me that day, but I would have offered to see each other again in the event that someone genuinely apologized. Which he hasn't and the glaring issue now is that he can't even be bothered to communicate or problem solve like an adult. Whatever the reason may be, it only takes 30 seconds to cut the cord so we both can move on.

Again, I highly doubt it has anything to do with you getting drunk, this is HIS issue, something within him, an internal conflict that has caused him to panic and run.

Had you not gotten drunk, could almost guarantee the same outcome would have occurred. 

Please do some research on these types of internal conflicts and fears.  Like I said, many books and articles written, all over the internet.  

Research "avoidant attachment" for starters. 

 

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Hotmess118 said:

 Which he hasn't and the glaring issue now is that he can't even be bothered to communicate or problem solve like an adult. Whatever the reason may be, it only takes 30 seconds to cut the cord so we both can move on.

It seems like he is processing something and may get back to you. However don't apologize or have a relationship talk if he does. Just hear it out. If he did indeed ghost, he seems shady.

[poppyfields]

Also to add, to say the reality of you, is a bit ambiguous. 

It's not the reality of "you" per se, but what "you" represent - a relationship, commitment.   The reality of the entite situation.

Perhaps it was all moving too fast, and after sex his brain went into overdrive and he began to panic, so he ran.  

His bizarre behaviour (suddenly ghosting the way he has) would certainly suggest that imo.

Research it, sadly it's quite common in today's dating environment.

 

Edited August 19, 2020 by poppyfields