Hotmess118 Posted August 17, 2020 Posted August 17, 2020 So I’ve been dating this guy for a while and it initially started as long distance we live 3 hours away from each other. So LDR with the actual possibility to be together full time. We’ve been talking about me moving to where he’s at and so we’ve been trying to spend more time together, but it’s difficult with our schedules and families so we’re usually time limited. We normally text all day and talk when we get home from work. Anyways, this was the first time we’ve been able to spend the night together so I was really excited and pretty nervous. We were in a tourist town and it kind of felt like a little mini vacation, but it was just for the day and night and in the morning I had to drive back home and go to work. We met up after we had both gotten there and we had an amazing day looking at shops together and drinking. I definitely over indulged in the alcohol and he was more responsible. I dunno why but I just really took it too far I didn’t black out or anything but I definitely drank too much. We went back to the hotel and I had another glass of wine where he stopped drinking, but we were still talking and having a lot of fun. We had sex and it was great but made a bit of a mess - so embarrassing it was the tail end of my period and I thought it was over.... it wasn’t ... but he was really cool about it. The last thing I remember was he asked me to come cuddle with him and lay on his chest and I think I instantly fell asleep. When I woke up in the middle of the night he was not in bed and I saw that he was sleeping on the couch. He got up while I was still sleeping to take a shower. When he came out I said good morning and he didn’t say anything I thought maybe he didn’t hear me so I went into the bathroom and finished getting ready. When I came out I asked him if he slept ok. He said no. The AC wasn’t getting cold enough and he was sweating all night. I was pretty much ready just putting on my shoes and he was like alright I’m going to go and gave me a quick kiss, but since I thought he’d walk me to my car or at least tell me to have a safe drive home. It felt like something was wrong he also didn’t have to leave that early. Before I drove home I text him and told him I hoped he had a good day and I asked if everything was ok. I haven’t heard from him all day. Which of course is making me really anxious, but I think I just have to give it some time. I feel so stupid this was my dream come true relationship and partner. Everything is ever wanted and he wanted to get married and have a family. I know I shouldn’t but all day I’ve been so hard on myself. I don’t know why I lost control like that. This isn’t how I normally am. I barely go out and don’t drink often. I’m just kicking myself... I hope he can forgive me, but I really don’t know what my next move should be. I don’t think I should text him today at all unless he texts or calls me, but otherwise I’m at a loss for how I should react and what I can do to repair the situation.
Artdeco Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 I’m so sorry this happened. I can sense that you feel awful. Don’t beat yourself up, though. Many people drink too much occasionally, and they usually don’t plan to. It happens! You spent a fun day in a touristy town, and you over-indulged. So what? He shouldn’t cut you out like that, without an explanation. It could be for any reason. Doesn’t mean you did something wrong. If I understand correctly, you’ve already reached out. I recommend that you leave it at that, until he says something. Ball in his court! 2
FudgeSwirl Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 I'm sorry about what happened. Even though it wasn't quite a vacation, it will still a night away and you were having a good time. Perhaps he really is just cranky after a poor night's sleep and disappointed that his plan to sleep next to you and wake refreshed and happy in the morning didn't happen. I've done what he has done before when I haven't been able to sleep, especially when it's so hot in the room. And hotel couches even in the nicest hotels are not at all comfortable for sleeping. Since you contacted him it's his turn to respond. I hope you hear from him soon! He may be the type that doesn't want to be bothered when tired, sick, or having a bad day.
Calmandfocused Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 You never really know a person until you experience them at their worst. When they have a bad day, a bad mood, feeling / looking bad etc ... something that we all experience from time to time. The problem with a LDR is that you don’t ( or very rarely) see someone at their worse. Instead you hang on to this idealistic, fantastical image of how wonderful and perfect it will be when you see each other ..... Your man is probably hung over, sleep deprived and therefore not in the best of moods. However what also maybe coming in play here is that his illusions of you are shattered. If, (like you say) you are responsible generally, the image you presented of yourself yesterday deviated away from that. I don’t know what you do as a job. However, most people would view getting blind drunk when you have to go to work the next day as very irresponsible. He may be questioning whether that’s what he wants long term. I’m not saying this to make you feel bad but this does happen. You didn’t do anything unforgivable but maybe he’s just re-evaluating how he wants to proceed Give him space and see what happens. 2
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 Thank you all for your advice and replies! I still haven’t heard anything and it’s just so weird not to talk to him. I want to reach out again, but I think I just have to give him his space and be patient. I really hope that we can move forward. If I don’t hear from him how long is it appropriate to wait before reaching out.
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 He knows your contact info. Your anxiety is about the drunken debacle. Listen, LDRs rarely work despite all the moving and future talk. Is he married?
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: Is he married? No he’s not married. I’m mostly anxious because when we went to sleep everything was fine and when we woke up the tone was definitely different. Maybe it is 100% the AC and nothing to do with me, but why hasn’t he reached out then. He is there for a class at work and maybe he couldn’t switch rooms.... I dunno I still would have expected to hear from him. Edited August 18, 2020 by Hotmess118
elaine567 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 14 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: We had sex and it was great but made a bit of a mess - so embarrassing it was the tail end of my period and I thought it was over.... it wasn’t ... but he was really cool about it. Maybe he was not so cool about it when he felt hot and sweaty and couldn't sleep. Blood stained sheets may have been the last straw.... hence he took himself to the couch. Maybe he felt it was your job to get new sheets and change them, but you instead passed out...
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 49 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: No he’s not married. I’m mostly anxious because when we went to sleep everything was fine and when we woke up the tone was definitely different. Maybe it is 100% the AC and nothing to do with me, but why hasn’t he reached out then. He is there for a class at work and maybe he couldn’t switch rooms.... I dunno I still would have expected to hear from him. How long have you been dating? Have you been to each other's homes? How often have you seen each other? All you can do is wait and see. Keep in mind getting pass out drunk is a huge turn off and for many a deal breaker.
JRabbit Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 27 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Maybe he was not so cool about it when he felt hot and sweaty and couldn't sleep. Blood stained sheets may have been the last straw.... hence he took himself to the couch. Maybe he felt it was your job to get new sheets and change them, but you instead passed out... sex is a two way street so really it would be both their jobs. Had this happen a few times and nothing a towel cant fix for sleep especially when that drunk LOL OP, to me it seems he feels guilty. Are you sure hes single? 2
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: If I don’t hear from him how long is it appropriate to wait before reaching out. In this particular situation, I would advise never. He was quite cold when he left (and prior) and you have to know if he wanted to talk to you and see you again, he'd be reaching out to you. You stated in your initial post that initially it started as a LDR, what do you mean by that? Is it no longer a LDR? How often do you get together? Or, was this your first meet? First time sex is a big deal for many people, and what I mean by that is it has the power to make or break a blossoming relationship. I've heard men admit this. In my experience it's not all that uncommon for men (some, certainly not all) to pull back after first time sex. After achieving their first goal of having sex with you, some men need time to let it all marinate in their heads and decide where they want things to go. What often happens is the woman becomes anxious and starts chasing seeking reassurance (even simply reaching out when a man is pulling back is seeking reassurance), which thwarts this process. I agree with what calmandfocused said. The reality of you may not have matched his idealized version of you, which may be confusing him somewhat. If the bond you developed prior to this was strong, then there is every chance he will reach out again. He simply needs time to process. If he does not reach out, say within a week, his silence is your answer. If me, I would be hopeful but lower the expectations. I would continue living my life, same as before I met him. For anxiety, I do yoga and run which helps A LOT! Uncertainty in these precarious early stages is a given, and to be successful in dating and developing relationships, you must be able to tolerate it without freaking. So hang in, okay? Try to not beat yourself up. Allow him time to process. That is what I have always done, and it worked out. In fact, in the early stages, there were occasions when my own boyfriend pulled back. One time, up to three days! I left him alone and he returned, more attentive and loving than ever and appreciated my not "hassling" him during that time with texts or calls seeking reassurance. By allowing him the time and space to process his thoughts and feelings, it drew him closer to me. We've been together almost three years. Anyway, I hope he calls, keep us posted! Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields 1
chillii Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) cancel Edited August 18, 2020 by chillii
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 Maybe you let one rip and that was it for him! or you were talking in your sleep and called him by a different name. Anywho, if anything he owes you some explanation...... BUT in a way you do owe him an apology for getting so smashed. A solid honest conversation is needed. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 My first thought is that you (and he) may be putting the cart way before the horse here. You're talking about moving to his area, you're thinking this is your dream partner and dream relationship - and yet this was the very first time you've spent the night together. It seems you two don't actually have much in-person quality time together to even think about making future plans yet. How long have you actually known him, and how many times had you met before now? I am not so sure he was just cranky because of poor AC. I think something else is on his mind and he's not ready to share it yet. You've asked him if he's alright; the onus is on him to get back to you. It's a crappy feeling, I realize, but I don't think you have much other choice. One day of over-indulging in booze likely wouldn't be enough to turn him off completely, so I don't think you've necessarily done anything wrong. This is part of not truly knowing someone, though - you don't know what he's like when he's stewing or got something on his mind. Hence why I would not build glass castles in the sky around him just yet. See what he has to say when he gets back to you, but perhaps take this as a reminder to pump the brakes and really learn more about him before you make any bigger plans.
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) Thank you all for your advice it’s really been helping me soothe my nerves to get some outside perspective. 2 hours ago, smackie9 said: Anywho, if anything he owes you some explanation...... BUT in a way you do owe him an apology for getting so smashed. A solid honest conversation is needed. I was talking with a friend and she suggested and I agreed that I owed him an apology. I had only asked if we were ok, and I can’t pretend that what happened was normal or ok without taking responsibility for behaving poorly. So I made an apology asked for a second chance, but left it at that. It’s up to him and will only make matters worse if I continue to pester him. He’s still there taking a class for work until the end of the week. Fingers crossed I hear back from him, but if I don’t then it wasn’t meant to be. Edited August 18, 2020 by Hotmess118
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 15 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: I was talking with a friend and she suggested and I agreed that I owed him an apology. I had only asked if we were ok, and I can’t pretend that what happened was normal or ok without taking responsibility for behaving poorly. So I made an apology asked for a second chance, but left it at that. It’s up to him and will only make matters worse if I continue to pester him. He’s still there taking a class for work until the end of the week. Fingers crossed I hear back from him, but if I don’t then it wasn’t meant to be. Given that you don't even know what's behind his silence, I am not sure what you're apologizing for, exactly. Were you making a total ass of yourself while you were drunk or something? What did you do that was so awful that he might not want to speak to you again? 1
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 17 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Given that you don't even know what's behind his silence, I am not sure what you're apologizing for, exactly. Were you making a total ass of yourself while you were drunk or something? What did you do that was so awful that he might not want to speak to you again? Agree with this^, but oh well, what's done is done. But imo, by apologizing and asking for a second chance, essentially "making nice" and accepting blame, when HE was the one to act coldly and leave abruptly with no word from him since, you just lowered your value to him big time. Unless you made a total ass out of yourself, getting drunk is NOT a huge deal and generally speaking will not turn an interested man off. I realize as women, we've been conditioned to do this - apologize, make nice, assume blame, but it's the wrong response and will not earn a man's respect or love. If anything HE should be apologizing to you, after going cold and leaving so abruptly after spending an intimate night together. I guess all you can do now is wait and see. Hope it works out, keep us posted. Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 11 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Given that you don't even know what's behind his silence, I am not sure what you're apologizing for, exactly. Were you making a total ass of yourself while you were drunk or something? What did you do that was so awful that he might not want to speak to you again? The whole situation is just kind of embarrassing for me. I don’t normally drink that much and I should have been more responsible. I didn’t make a total ass of myself, but it’s not a cute look. I don’t think I did anything that was awful enough for him to not want to speak to me again. Which is why I’m at a bit of a loss, but I did drink too much and the least I can do is apologize for making a mistake. I don’t think it hurts me even if his silence is for something else.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 Yes, fair enough. I asked before and it may have been missed, but how many times have you met him in person? How long have you known him?
kendahke Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 This is the problem with relationships that start out LDR or online for weeks on end--it's lived out in your heads. You each build up a version of who you think the other is/want them to be and invest heavily in that; and when the time comes when you're in close proximity, the actual you is revealed, not the you the other has constructed. Sounds like the expectations of the you that he constructed eclipsed who showed up. He had control over all the variables that pertained to you so that you were this perfect woman. However, an imperfect human showed up being the only person she could be: herself, and he couldn't deal with that. How long have you two been doing this long distance thing before this weekend? Have you seen him in person/spent time with him in person before this weekend?
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 1 hour ago, kendahke said: Have you seen him in person/spent time with him in person before this weekend? I asked this as well, not sure why HM is not responding. I am inclined to think this was their first meet, which if true, then everything about the reality not matching the fantasy would apply. Or he could simply be a guy who lost interest after sex, there are plenty of em around. I highly doubt it was because you got drunk. Just my experience but I have never had a guy lose interest because of that, and I have made a total ass out of myself!
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Hotmess118 said: I was talking with a friend and she suggested and I agreed that I owed him an apology. I had only asked if we were ok, and I can’t pretend that what happened was normal or ok without taking responsibility for behaving poorly. So I made an apology asked for a second chance, but left it at that. Ok all you can do is see if and how he replies. Have you spend time together before in person?
Author Hotmess118 Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 1 hour ago, poppyfields said: I realize as women, we've been conditioned to do this - apologize, make nice, assume blame, but it's the wrong response and will not earn a man's respect or love. If anything HE should be apologizing to you, after going cold and leaving so abruptly after spending an intimate night together. I guess all you can do now is wait and see. Hope it works out, keep us posted. I did seriously consider this, but I think there’s an argument to be made for both approaches. I don’t think he handled it well, but if he really got no sleep... I know how I am when I’m sleep deprived. He was really understanding so I don’t know why in the morning it was different. 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: Yes, fair enough. I asked before and it may have been missed, but how many times have you met him in person? How long have you known him? Sorry a lot to keep up with while I’m at work. We’ve met twice In person before this and I’ve known him for about a month and a half. Our prior meet ups have been really positive and we were both really excited to see what the future held. He booked a weekend away after we had dinner last week, we’ve both taken a day off work for that trip. And that’s supposed to be a week from Thursday.
poppyfields Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 29 minutes ago, Hotmess118 said: I don’t think he handled it well, but if he really got no sleep... I know how I am when I’m sleep deprived. He was really understanding so I don’t know why in the morning it was different. Because when he couldn't sleep, his brain started spinning about what all this means now (after sex) - a "relationship," expectations," etc and he began freaking out about it. Started having doubts, questioning it. Before sex, it was a fantasy, after sex, reality. His first goal (sex) was accomplished, now he's deciding where he wants things to actually go, and needs time to process. Not all men do this but many. That's my take. Edited August 18, 2020 by poppyfields
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