Author Deaana Posted August 18, 2020 Author Posted August 18, 2020 12 hours ago, Alvi said: Is it the same guy who went to a strip club to get a half naked girl to lap dance for him? He sounds like an all-around bad boyfriend. There are guys out there who can and will treat you a lot better. Do you think this is the best you can do? Well, one day I found out he didn't go to strip club. He was with two old friends drinking that night. I don't know why he said that he went to strip club.
Versacehottie Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 18 minutes ago, Deaana said: Well, one day I found out he didn't go to strip club. He was with two old friends drinking that night. I don't know why he said that he went to strip club. Well, give the guy a gold medal!!!! The overriding thing about you two is that you have a volatile relationship with each other. You fight a lot. You don't trust each other. He acts controlling and abusive--that's how you see it---so I don't know why you would expect it to change. Why are you coming on here and talking about the small details when the big picture remains the same? At a certain point, you are just coming here to vent. You have no plan to do anything and nothing is changing. In fact, it seems like it's getting worse. The handwriting is on the wall. Doomed.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 35 minutes ago, Deaana said: Well, one day I found out he didn't go to strip club. He was with two old friends drinking that night. I don't know why he said that he went to strip club. Oh hon, you don't believe that, do you? Regardless, this guy is not a good boyfriend, and your relationship is not working. You two have a boatload of problems that are not normal. I promise you this isn't the guy you're going to ride off into the sunset with. You complain and complain about him, and yet you're still there. So what are you complaining for, exactly? The end of this relationship is inevitable - just depends on how much time you want to waste before getting there. Edited August 18, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
smackie9 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 Well if I had a BF that deleted me off social media because we had an argument, I would block and delete him out of my life. He is acting like a juvenile. It's not how a man is, it's how insecure people deal with their insecurities. He's not mature enough to be in a committed relationship. I will tell you this....it will only get worse not better. Maybe in 10 years he will grow out of it, but you don't have that kind of time to wait and see.
introverted1 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 OP, you've asked about this behavior and many others over the last 3 months. There doesn't seem to be much in this relationship that you like. Why are you still with him? 3
Alvi Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Deaana said: Well, one day I found out he didn't go to strip club. He was with two old friends drinking that night. I don't know why he said that he went to strip club. Oh, OK, he sounds a lot better now. Kidding of course. lol Well, hate to say it, but some relationships are not meant to last forever. Many are just temporary. Yours is probably one of those. There is only so much you can take before calling it quits. Edited August 18, 2020 by Alvi
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 2 hours ago, Deaana said: Well, one day I found out he didn't go to strip club. He was with two old friends drinking that night. I don't know why he said that he went to strip club. Google "gaslighting".
Fox Sake Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 It’s not how men work. It’s how immature and controlling boys work. I find it really confusing you don’ t want to address the controlling behaviour, yet ask for an explanation on it. You already know what the explanation is- it’s controlling behaviour. It’s a grooming mentality designed to keep you in check , sucking all your energy out of you. This guy doesn’t see you as an equal , he wants you to do as you’re told, be subservient. All meanwhile he should be allowed to do as he pleases without consequences or compromise. if you continue down this line , you’re going to end up insecure, unable to make your own decisions, and generally feeling like you can’t do better. Which you can. This guy is literally using you as an energy ladder. The only reason you’re still putting up with this behaviour is because he has conditioned you to do so. Or you have very low self respect and self esteem, but that can be a by-product or your treatment anyways. Please wake up. There are far better experiences for you out there. The sooner you decide you want to experience them, the sooner your life will become a better place. 3 1
Shining One Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 19 hours ago, Deaana said: All I want is an opinion on the fact that he wants me to do things he doesn't do. While I personally try to be fair and seek out those who wish to be fair as well, the concept of expecting different things from partners is actually very common. Look at the many posts on this forum that state: "It's a man's job to do X" or "It's a woman's job to do Y". If this bothers you, then you seek out men who try to avoid behavioral double-standards in their relationships.
Calmandfocused Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) The nonsense behaviour you describe is a symptom not the cause. The cause is a fundamental need and desire for power and control. It doesn’t matter that the rules are unequal. He has to be in control no matter what and he will lie, gaslight, manipulate, and behave contradictory until he achieves just that. As a survivor of abuse (multiple times) myself I can assure you that you’d be better off focusing on yourself rather than trying to understand the nuances of his behaviour and trying to change him. He won’t change. Ever! He treats you this way because you allow him to. Because he can. Because you let him. Because you don’t respect or value yourself enough to assert the appropriate boundaries. Why would he change his behaviour? He needs are being met exactly as you are. Edited August 18, 2020 by Calmandfocused 1
kendahke Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 on 7/29/20 you knew he was a loser... it's 2 1/2 weeks later and nothing has changed with him. Why are you surprised? Meantime, you're 2 1/2 weeks older and time doesn't go backwards. 4
Logo Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 On 7/22/2020 at 8:23 PM, Deaana said: Would you consider going to a strip club as cheating? I would be a little pissed off. If I have a beautiful, sexy, affectionate and caring S/O, I don't need a strip club. She and I can do all kinds of things in private and I don't need to go to a strip club. What would be the point anyway? If it bothers you and it looks like it does, some people are not bothered by it, I would talk to him about it.
Logo Posted August 18, 2020 Posted August 18, 2020 To me, the whole thing is gross, for the same reason that women go to Chippendales shows. If there's touching or grinding involved, I consider it cheating.
Lady Aphrodite Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 On 7/22/2020 at 7:23 PM, Deaana said: Would you consider going to a strip club as cheating? Completely depends on the terms of your relationship, but honestly, no. Who doesn't like looking at sexy women? If you're in a relationship, trust your partner to uphold the terms of your relationship while engaging in the activities at the strip club. But if you really can't stand it, let your partner know. It might be time to re-negotiate the terms of the relationship.
IndigoNight Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 I don't consider going to a strip club cheating, BUT if it has been discussed in your relationship as a "no go" then a strip club should be considered off-limits. Personally, I have had a lot of fun taking my husband to one on occasion, but generally I find them expensive and boring. It depends a LOT on the dancers. I have some good friends who danced to pay for college. They graduated debt free. Not all strip clubs are created equal. Some are dives. Some are more high end, and better quality. Most fall somewhere in between. Every relationship has boundaries that should be respected. Just because some people have no issues with their partner going to strip clubs, in no way means that all relationships should consider it acceptable. It is whatever two people discuss and decide what is, and what is not, acceptable to them and their relationship. Generally, it is best to avoid the things that make one feel pressured into doing something "for love", or out of guilt, and other things of that sort. That is just my opinion though.
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 17 hours ago, Deaana said: . He was with two old friends drinking that night. Don't date guys like this. It's nothing but heartache. Talk to your doctor and therapist and trusted adults about the difference between abusive relationships and healthy relationships. You need to end it with this clown You can do better than this. Don't put anyone on a pedestal.
Els Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 This thread completely confuses me - the first page has nothing to do with the title at all, and I'm not sure I want to go through several pages just to find out what the actual question is, lol. Is the problem here that your boyfriend doesn't let you see male strippers but he wants to be able to go and see female strippers? 1
elaine567 Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 @Elswyth On 8/17/2020 at 10:15 PM, Deaana said: My boyfriend expects me to do things he doesn't do. By that I mean for example: he removed me from instagram during an argument and expected me to follow him after that. When I asked him that if he were on the same situation as me, he said he wouldn't follow me, basically he would react the same as I did. The same thing has happened for many other situations. Like I should have told him about a guy friend I knew at school, but he told me nothing about a female friend he knew at work. And when I asked him, if you expect me to tell you, why didn't you tell me. He got angry. He said "We are talking about you right now, don't change the topic". I hate this. People should expect from others, what they do themself. I know that what I mention above is kind of controlling. But it is not what I want to talk about right now. All I want is an opinion on the fact that he wants me to do things he doesn't do. And that has happended in many other situations, which have had nothing to do with controlling. When I have talked about my friend about that, she said that her boyfriend used to be like that too. Like he woud want her to do things he doesn't do. That is how men work and think? I don't find it normal. 1
Els Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 Thanks! I wonder why that was on Page 4? This guy sounds ridiculously immature and controlling. Not just "kind of controlling".
ExpatInItaly Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 1 hour ago, Elswyth said: This thread completely confuses me - the first page has nothing to do with the title at all, and I'm not sure I want to go through several pages just to find out what the actual question is, lol. Is the problem here that your boyfriend doesn't let you see male strippers but he wants to be able to go and see female strippers? Her most recent question (which is now this thread's title) was merged with her previous thread about whether going to strip clubs constitutes cheating. Yes, it's a little confusing the way the threads were merged!
rjc149 Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 Strips clubs are for school boys, cliche bachelor parties, and skeevy men typically in, or approaching, middle age. That's it. So, your boyfriend, as a strip club attendee, is going to fall into one of these categories. As far as infidelity, it only applies if there was ejaculation resulting from physical contact with a stripper. Simply being present, or even getting a lap dance, doesn't constitute infidelity but if you've got a grown adult boyfriend who wants to spend $50+ to bust a nut in his pants from a lap dance and walk around with a cum stain on his jeans, well, that's the guy you're dating, and that's the issue at hand, not where in the gray area it falls.
NomiMalone Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) I think strip clubs are fun and if I were a guy, single and cashed up, then I would go for sure. But the key word here is SINGLE. I think men in serious relationships should, in general, out of respect for their partners, not go to strip clubs. Unless it’s a special occasion like the bachelor party of a good friend, or a boy’s weekend away to the car racing. Or to accompany their partner who is (genuinely) keen on going. Please don’t compare strip clubs to say Chippendales because we all know that women go to these male strip shows for a laugh. No guy goes to a strip club for a laugh. It’s not even close. Please also don’t compare US strip clubs to strip clubs in say, Thailand, where both men and women go to for a tourist attraction. Having said that, there’re loads of women who genuinely like watching, and getting a dance from, female strippers. I’ve seen them. OP’s boyfriend would be better off dating a woman like that. Let’s face it - most decent women aren’t going to be happy with their partner getting up close and personal with strippers. It’s not about cheating/not cheating. It’s about having respect for your relationship. Edited August 20, 2020 by NomiMalone
Artdeco Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, NomiMalone said: Please don’t compare strip clubs to say Chippendales because we all know that women go to these male strip shows for a laugh. No guy goes to a strip club for a laugh. It’s not even close. Please also don’t compare US strip clubs to strip clubs in say, Thailand, where both men and women go to for a tourist attraction. Having said that, there’re loads of women who genuinely like watching, and getting a dance from, female strippers. I’ve seen them. OP’s boyfriend would be better off dating a woman like that. Let’s face it - most decent women aren’t going to be happy with their partner getting up close and personal with strippers. It’s not about cheating/not cheating. It’s about having respect for your relationship. That’s true.....females who go watch male strippers (Which I personally find very boring, did it once) - usually in a group setting with their girlfriends - have a giggle fest. It’s not like the magic mike movie where the girls go crazy (and even there it’s mostly kind of humorous....) - the other way around: men frequenting stripper joints are quite seriously staring-ogling-looking; also drooling ..... some go alone to do I don’t want to know what in the VIP room, or to try to hook up elsewhere after they close ..... and if in a group setting they sometimes act like they’re laughing about it, but in reality they’re still drooling ....... I wouldn’t date a guy like that ever. I find it rather pathetic and sad, and a waste of money on top of that. But to each their own. I just couldn’t respect the guy. Is all. And ok fine, if you have a group of college boys who’ve never been in a club like that, and they feel like they’re “men” now because they’ve reached their legal drinking age and they have their own dorm room far away from mom, that’s fine - for them it’s just an adventure. I wouldn’t be proud if I were their mom, but whatever. Not gonna date them kids anyways. - but for a grown man - no respect. Saaaawwwy! And to the other bolded: I think men who go there (often) would probably rather prefer to hide it from their GFs and/or wives. They can’t drool freely, and they can’t try to get laid, either. So why bring the GF? Not saying there aren’t those couples who enjoy that kind of entertainment, but my guess is they’d rather NOT bring their significant other. Edited August 20, 2020 by Artdeco
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) On 8/18/2020 at 3:42 PM, Logo said: I would be a little pissed off. If I have a beautiful, sexy, affectionate and caring S/O, I don't need a strip club. She and I can do all kinds of things in private and I don't need to go to a strip club. What would be the point anyway? Logo, people don't "need" strip clubs. They go because it's a diversion, a way to distract themselves from the daily grind and stress. I read an article and study a while back and men said it has nothing to do with getting sex or not loving or being satisfied with your partner. It's a way to let loose and act stupid for a couple of hours, lol. Same reason women loved the movie Magic Mike and go to the male strip clubs. There is no difference. I used to go with my ex, a bunch of us did, and it was a total hoot! Even the grinding, lol, good god it is not a serious thing where my ex wanted to go have sex with her! And he never "got off" from it in any sort of serious way (like watching porn which we sometimes used to watch together too). Again it was a laugh and a good way to distract yourself from the daily grind and stress. Edited August 20, 2020 by poppyfields
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) On 8/18/2020 at 9:18 AM, Wiseman2 said: Google "gaslighting". Wiseman's, it doesn't sound like gaslighting. He knows she doesn't like it, it's her achilles heel in a way, he knows he is gonna get a strong angry reaction which for some perverted reason he gets off on! It's quite cruel actually, perhaps even a bit sadistic imo. Deanna, next time he tells you he went to the strip club, try NOT reacting. Simply say "cool, hope you had fun." Flip the script and sit back and watch HIS reaction. Lol Edited August 20, 2020 by poppyfields
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