He expects me to do things he doesn't do

[elaine567]

Was last night the arranged meet time or was that another night?

If that was the arranged meet then I guess he caused the argument in order to be able to go.
If this was another night then as he stormed off to a strip club I would guess he is  accustomed to going to strip clubs ie a regular, or he did it to spite you.
Either way you have no idea what he got up to, and if you cannot deal with that then you have to accept it is a dealbreaker for you.
As I said before, men do not go to strip clubs to eat icecream.
Anyone who assumes their partner did not get up too anything "naughty" in a strip club is naive or is burying their head in the sand IMO.

Edited July 29, 2020 by elaine567

[ExpatInItaly]

7 minutes ago, Deaana said:

He has never gone since we were together. After we dicussed about it, (and it wasn't necessary to tell him that it is not ok, because he knew it, wouldn't be ok for him either) we started to make fun out of it. Like I'm going, I told him "Yeha go and have fun" but nothing serious in the end. Today he told me that he couldn't call me to talk last night because he was to a strip club and was drunk when he got home.

And who started this discussion, and why? 

The timing is a little too coincidental for me to believe that: A) he hadn't already gone and was testing what your reaction might be, or B) he hadn't already planned to go last night anyway and was hoping to get a hall pass from you in your earlier conversation. 

I don't think these two events are totally unrelated. 

[smackie9]

He's trying to control you, doesn't trust you, you tell he can't go to strip clubs to you that's cheating and he probably finds that controlling on your part. You don't trust him. The common denominator is that you two don't trust each other. And his answer to everything is to go hang out at a strip club because he knows your hate it, and want to make sure you hurt.

How can you call that love? Toss this one in the garbage and move on...it's NOT WORKING.

Edited July 29, 2020 by smackie9

[BaileyB]

Quote

I am secure enough to understand that if am in a committed relationship with a  man and he cheats on me, he is not committed to the relationship and is therefore not really my "boyfriend" anyway.  A woman cannot build a fence high enough to keep a man "in" if he wants to roam.

Well said.

16 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Anyone who assumes their partner did not get up too anything "naughty" in a strip club is naive or is burying their head in the sand IMO.

I would totally trust my partner to go to a strip club and not get up to anything naughty. 

 

8 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The common denominator is that you two don't trust each other. And his answer to everything is to go hang out at a strip club because he knows your hate it, and want to make sure you hurt.

How can you call that love? Toss this one in the garbage and move on...it's NOT WORKING.

This is the bottom line here. It’s long distance, you have no way to know what he is/is not doing, you don’t trust each other - it’s not working.

[Ruby Slippers]

Yes, I would. I don't date men who go to strip clubs.

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Deaana said:

Well, he got drunk because it was about breaking up so he was sad. We haven't decided  yet. I love him and I know he loves me, but things are hard at the moment

So - IMO breaking up is normally a bigger issue than one behavioral event, so personally I don't have advice on whether to break up.

However, at the risk of restating what you're already aware of, it seems he's trying to "manage" his feelings about your relationship/possible break up by drinking and visiting a strip club. So, he has (or at least has chosen for the moment) dysfunctional coping strategies, as opposed to, say, trying to communicate more with you or simply moping in front of the TV at home for a while.

That is an issue IMO. Hopefully he can follow or develop better coping strategies for the future (and I say that regardless of whether you stay together or not). Drinking solves little - when you are sober again the problems you're not facing are generally still there. Chasing the transitory artificial thrill of a strip club is similarly pointless in the big picture, particularly as a solution to relationship issues.

IF you decide to stay with him, consider working with him to make him more conscious and resilient wrt his strategies for dealing with emotional distress.

[Gaeta]

I did a bit of snooping. Your boyfriend  openly follows porn starts on social media, that would really REALLY turn me off. Add to that strip clubs visits, it's getting fishy. I am also reading that he claims having 50+ girlfriends before you?...somehow I doubt he had not gone to strip clubs since you met. 

How old is this guy? 

[Deaana]

44 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I did a bit of snooping. Your boyfriend  openly follows porn starts on social media, that would really REALLY turn me off. Add to that strip clubs visits, it's getting fishy. I am also reading that he claims having 50+ girlfriends before you?...somehow I doubt he had not gone to strip clubs since you met. 

How old is this guy? 

He is 26

[Versacehottie]

It sounds like you want him to be someone he is not.  So you basically told him he's not allowed to go to strip clubs.  he did anyway. What are you going to do about it?

It's like you don't like a lot of what he is.  He follows porn stars openly on social media & goes to strip clubs--so is this something you want in the guy you are dating? 

While I said it wouldn't bother me if my guy went occasionally, and I would not forbid my guy to go--I also wouldn't choose someone like this at all--and I certainly wouldn't choose someone like this which you would have known in advance and expect it to change.  If you really didn't know in advance, now you know, it's either a turnoff or it isn't.  I think the totality of it says you guys are on different pages & i can't imagine that there is enough GOOD stuff here between you both to continue anyway.  

I mean why did you argue last night anyway? Why so much arguing? It also looks like he knows exactly how to retaliate in a way that outright sends the message that you are NOT going to inhibit his freedom, which indicates bigger problems TBH.

[kendahke]

3 hours ago, Deaana said:

Yeah, but I don't know what he has done

and you will never know... so, is what you DO know enough for you to stop this madness of a relationship and end things, or are you down for squandering away more years of your youth behind a failed relationship--that you knew was a failed relationship on 7/29/20?

Get up right now and go look in the mirror--do you like the person you've had to become in order to have this clown in your life?  Are you good with looking 60 at 35 because of the stress he brings you?

Edited July 29, 2020 by kendahke

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Deaana said:

And last night after argument about something else, he went to strip club. Like I told him, I'm not ok with it, and after argument he did exactly that 

That should tell you that he's done obeying you and really doesn't give a rip about what you are or aren't ok with.

That is where you're at.  How many more years are you going to squander--time and youth you'll never get back?

[Gaeta]

The following porn stars on social media would anger me 200% than the occasional strip club. At 26 he should have better judgement, everyone sees what you do on social media! It doesn't embarrass you that your friends, colleagues and family members see this? 

 

[Ami1uwant]

1 hour ago, Deaana said:

He is 26

Doing one every month over 4 years is about 50....

[SincereOnlineGuy]

9 hours ago, Deaana said:

The fight about braking up was because he got jealous and was controling me. 

 

6 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

you are NOT going to inhibit his freedom, 

 

When he attempt to control her, it's  controlling her

 

and when she attempt to control him in return, it's  "inhibiting his freedom".

 

 

I don't get it.

 

When someone is attempting to control you, the last thing you do in retaliation is to set an example of precisely the behavior you didn't like to begin with.

 

 

Edited July 30, 2020 by SincereOnlineGuy

[Wiseman2]

You need to end it. You are not happy and it's taking it's toll .

[d0nnivain]

21 hours ago, Deaana said:

Hey!

Would you break up with your boyfriend if he would go to a strip club and get drunk after having a strong argument with you? 

No I wouldn't break up over a visit to a strip club.  After the argument you have to know he went just to piss you off.  Granted that is not great but if you had told him not to eat blueberry pie that is what he would have done in that moment. 

In this time of Covid, I'd be upset about his cavalier attitude toward the disease & my health that he went to an indoor bar. 

 

19 hours ago, Deaana said:

The fight about braking up was because he got jealous and was controling me. 

I would break up with any man who tried to control me.  

That said, since you are long distance, how was he trying to control you?  How was his attempt to control you different from you telling him where he could & could not go? Seems like there are more problems here then his choice of venue in which to blow off steam after an argument.  

Clearly there is no meaningful trust here on either side so what is the point of staying together?  

[Deaana]

On 7/30/2020 at 4:36 AM, enigma32 said:

This guy is a douche, period. It doesn't matter what we think about strip clubs, only what YOU think about them. You let your BF know you don't like it and it's up to the two of you what to do from there. His idea is to go straight to the strip club and get drunk when you guys have a fight. That says a lot about how he feels about you.

You said you guys were fighting over you being controlling. What did you do, exactly?

We were fighting over him being controlling not me. He gets jealous very easy and accuses me of cheating and lying

[poppyfields]

32 minutes ago, Deaana said:

He gets jealous very easy and accuses me of cheating and lying

That's because HE is, he's projecting what he is doing on to you..  It's quite common.

 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, Deaana said:

We were fighting over him being controlling not me. He gets jealous very easy and accuses me of cheating and lying

You need to end it and read up on red flags for abusive relationships. Why bother with this guy?

[Deaana]

My boyfriend expects me to do things he doesn't do. By that I mean for example: he removed me from instagram during an argument and expected me to follow him after that. When I asked him that if he were on the same situation as me, he said he wouldn't follow me, basically he would react the same as I did. The same thing has happened for many other situations. Like I should have told him about a guy friend I knew at school, but he told me nothing about a female friend he knew at work. And when I asked him, if you expect me to tell you, why didn't you tell me. He got angry. He said "We are talking about you right now, don't change the topic". I hate this. People should expect from others, what they do themself. I know that what I mention above is kind of controlling. But it is not what I want to talk about right now. All I want is an opinion on the fact that he wants me to do things he doesn't do. And that has happended in many other situations, which have had nothing to do with controlling. 
When I have talked about my friend about that, she said that her boyfriend used to be like that too. Like he woud want her to do things he doesn't do. That is how men work and think? I don't find it normal. 

[Wiseman2]

It would be a good idea to google red flags for controlling and emotionally abusive relationships. Basically he is on a power trip at your expense. Talk to trusted friends and family. He gets off on making you jump through hoops and putting you in a one-down position.  He's a bully. it's that simple. That's why you feel bad all the time. This is his intent. When you feel bad he feels happy. No it's not normal and you should avoid guys like this.

[Versacehottie]

 I don't get why you are still with this guy.  

You guys have major problems. 

You come on here repeatedly and speak about things that are abusive and don't seem to make you happy and make you jealous. 

How long are you going to do this?

[d0nnivain]

he's just an all around bad guy to have as a BF.  Read your old posts & then think about what you would tell somebody in your shoes.  

[Alvi]

Is it the same guy who went to a strip club to get a half naked girl to lap dance for him? He sounds like an all-around bad boyfriend. 

There are guys out there who can and will treat you a lot better. Do you think this is the best you can do? 

[Ruby Slippers]

No, this isn't normal or tolerable. Any decent person has a basic sense of fairness.