elaine567 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 57 minutes ago, mark clemson said: You're free to tell him "I'm ok with you going, just only look and don't touch". Yes but there is where it gets difficult. Guys going to a strip club as a friend group are capable of anything, that is the problem... What happens in the strip club stays in the strip club... Guys don't go to strip clubs to eat ice cream...
poppyfields Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 (edited) I would never advise someone to dictate to their partner what they can or cannot do. To me, that’s not defining boundaries - that's controlling. Or attempting to control. Boundaries would be my letting my bf know I am uncomfortable with it, and then giving HIM the freedom and respect to decide. Even to say, I am okay with you going, but only look, don’t touch. That sounds very close to giving him your permission, which as a girlfriend is not your place to do. And we wonder why so many men these days are hesitant, even fearful of getting into relationships, so many rules and restrictions based on what amounts to their their girlfriend’s anxieties, insecurities and/or lack of trust. OP, it’s not your place to tell him whether he can go or not or telling him what he can and cannot do when he’s there. IF you are not comfortable with it, you can tell him that, then give him the freedom of choice to decide. And if he chooses to go regardless of your feelings, then perhaps you should strongly consider finding a new boyfriend. Edited July 23, 2020 by poppyfields 1
smackie9 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 4 hours ago, Deaana said: I wouldn't make it a big deal if he would just watch. It would be totally fine and I would like to go too. But if there is lap dancing, then there is some physical contact and that is why I would get mad, because he would get horny from the touches of some other girls while I'm sitting there watching It's not cheating but in some peoples opinion, including my own, is not appropriate for someone who is in a relationship to be getting lap dances. They can look but not be touched. I'm no stranger to strip clubs (been to many) or those who own them and work at them. I have been told by the waitresses and strippers, that there are guys that slip on a condom beforehand for the purpose of cumming during a lap dance. So keep that one under your hat when it comes to the talk. 1
schlumpy Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Cheating is pretty much whatever your SO defines it as. Now you may disagree and decide to not respect your SO's boundaries or you can argue your friend does it and their SO is OK with it. You could decide to leave which would be legitimate but if you want to stay and you know the boundaries - take heed or be prepared for consequences.
Supernova11 Posted July 23, 2020 Posted July 23, 2020 Yes and I would not go to see male strippers either. For me, This is always brought up early in dating as are many other values too that need to fit for us to date. I wouldn’t stop him from going or have a mass row about it or even try to change his mind. Id simply stop dating him because our values aren’t on the same page and explain that to him. 5
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: Yes but there is where it gets difficult. ... Guys don't go to strip clubs to eat ice cream... That is true...
mark clemson Posted July 24, 2020 Posted July 24, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, poppyfields said: I would never advise someone to dictate to their partner what they can or cannot do. Dunno. To me this is six of one, half dozen of the other. If she says how she would feel and he ignores it and she then breaks up with him - shouldn't she just have said "You can go, but don't touch" or similar? "If you touch, it will make me feel hurt" seems to leave the door more open. Perhaps it's in the nuances of how one phrases one's "boundaries" but I do think that if there are going to be consequences it's only fair to let the other person know as directly as possible. Guess everyone is a bit different with this. If the price of not coming across as controlling is that the major red lines get crossed, and the relationship is severely damaged or ends, maybe it makes more sense to just "lay down the law" a bit? Hard to say I guess. Edited July 24, 2020 by mark clemson
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) Hey! Would you break up with your boyfriend if he would go to a strip club and get drunk after having a strong argument with you? Edited July 29, 2020 by Deaana
Gaeta Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 I would not break up with my boyfriend if he went to a strip club. I would break up with him if his solution to our arguments was to get drunk. 7
Giovane Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 That would probably depend on a number of other factors. Without further context, in a vacuum, it's difficult for forum folk to provide solid advice here. Going to a strip club after an argument is certainly not a classy move, but it's not cheating either.
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: I would not break up with my boyfriend if he went to a strip club. I would break up with him if his solution to our arguments was to get drunk. Well, he got drunk because it was about breaking up so he was sad. We haven't decided yet. I love him and I know he loves me, but things are hard at the moment
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 6 minutes ago, Giovane said: That would probably depend on a number of other factors. Without further context, in a vacuum, it's difficult for forum folk to provide solid advice here. Going to a strip club after an argument is certainly not a classy move, but it's not cheating either. How do I consider it? He knows I don't like him going to strip clubs. And if I tolerate this, he might cheat next time, because he would think I would tolerate again. And I want to mention that we are living at different countries at the moment, it is basically a long distance relationship
Ami1uwant Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 7 minutes ago, Deaana said: How do I consider it? He knows I don't like him going to strip clubs. And if I tolerate this, he might cheat next time, because he would think I would tolerate again. And I want to mention that we are living at different countries at the moment, it is basically a long distance relationship Irrational.....going to a strip club means cheating. I guess he could dtnk drink beer at home and surf porn
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 11 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: Irrational.....going to a strip club means cheating. I guess he could dtnk drink beer at home and surf porn If it was a bachelor party, would you still consider it as cheating?
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 There is a big difference for me between going to a strip club and cheating. Now, if there was touching at the strip club, that would be different. But going to watch and have a drink, that wouldn’t bother me. 1
BaileyB Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 1 minute ago, Deaana said: If it was a bachelor party, would you still consider it as cheating? Depends on what happens at the strip club. 2
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 1 minute ago, BaileyB said: There is a big difference for me between going to a strip club and cheating. Now, if there was touching at the strip club, that would be different. But going to watch and have a drink, that wouldn’t bother me. Yeah, but I don't know what he has done
poppyfields Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, Deaana said: If it was a bachelor party, would you still consider it as cheating? I think the poster was meaning the opposite. That your believing he went to a strip club means he it is cheating is irrational. It's not cheating. You live in different countries, you are not his mother, stop fighting with him about otherwise he might cheat on you for real but not in a strip club. He may break up with you altogether. Do you trust him? If not, you have no business being in a RL with him, let alone a long distance one. Edited July 29, 2020 by poppyfields
Versacehottie Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) Didn't you have this a post worried that he would go and polling the forum about what are thoughts are on if it's ok or not? Wasn't that last week? If there was more to the story then, why not just tell us? Or was this strip club visit looming on the horizon and you just don't like it? Anyway, you probably should have kept both threads together. Gives a much better picture. To answer your question, i probably wouldn't at all but you seem to have a big issue with it so i don't know why you would try to stuff it down like it isn't happening. Polling us is futile when you will get a variety of responses when all that really matters is what your threshold and dealbreaker on it is. If it's against a belief system you hold & you feel and have told him you feel like it's a betrayal, you have to follow through on breaking up. It's simple. You can't keep wrestling it in your head like trying to make it go away that he did it, disobeyed you () and it doesn't bother you to your core. Sometimes you have to do what is hard. While I wouldn't mind if my guy went once here or there, especially if it was a bachelor party & would trust that he didn't do anything, I would probably start to think he was lame if he was going regularly, just because it's not a novelty or having guy time with his friends but like his thing and that wouldn't be attractive to me. I still wouldn't worry that he's done anything though--I just wouldn't want to be with "strip club guy". Edited July 29, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Wiseman2 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 It seems like you don't get along or trust him and this strip club obsession is the conflict you've chosen to start a war about. However this is a relationship problem not a theoretical debate on whether strip clubs are cheating or not. Why not get to the heart of the problem regarding trust and security and compatibility? 2
Redhead14 Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 I am secure enough to understand that if am in a committed relationship with a man and he cheats on me, he is not committed to the relationship and is therefore not really my "boyfriend" anyway. A woman cannot build a fence high enough to keep a man "in" if he wants to roam. Going to a strip club and blowing off some steam is relatively harmless in the overall scheme of things. It is immature, but relatively harmless. Storming off to a strip club, however, seems manipulative to me. A message of some sort, perhaps?
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 49 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: Didn't you have this a post worried that he would go and polling the forum about what are thoughts are on if it's ok or not? Wasn't that last week? If there was more to the story then, why not just tell us? Or was this strip club visit looming on the horizon and you just don't like it? Anyway, you probably should have kept both threads together. Gives a much better picture. To answer your question, i probably wouldn't at all but you seem to have a big issue with it so i don't know why you would try to stuff it down like it isn't happening. Polling us is futile when you will get a variety of responses when all that really matters is what your threshold and dealbreaker on it is. If it's against a belief system you hold & you feel and have told him you feel like it's a betrayal, you have to follow through on breaking up. It's simple. You can't keep wrestling it in your head like trying to make it go away that he did it, disobeyed you () and it doesn't bother you to your core. Sometimes you have to do what is hard. While I wouldn't mind if my guy went once here or there, especially if it was a bachelor party & would trust that he didn't do anything, I would probably start to think he was lame if he was going regularly, just because it's not a novelty or having guy time with his friends but like his thing and that wouldn't be attractive to me. I still wouldn't worry that he's done anything though--I just wouldn't want to be with "strip club guy". Last week we had a discussion about it. And last night after argument about something else, he went to strip club. Like I told him, I'm not ok with it, and after argument he did exactly that
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 43 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: It seems like you don't get along or trust him and this strip club obsession is the conflict you've chosen to start a war about. However this is a relationship problem not a theoretical debate on whether strip clubs are cheating or not. Why not get to the heart of the problem regarding trust and security and compatibility? The fight about braking up was because he got jealous and was controling me.
ExpatInItaly Posted July 29, 2020 Posted July 29, 2020 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Deaana said: Last week we had a discussion about it. And last night after argument about something else, he went to strip club. Like I told him, I'm not ok with it, and after argument he did exactly that It's rather convenient that you discussed this just last week with him, and last night he wound up at the strippers. What prompted the conversation about strippers last week? Does he regularly go to strip clubs? Edited July 29, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Author Deaana Posted July 29, 2020 Author Posted July 29, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: It's rather convenient that you discussed this just last week with him, and last night he wound up at the strippers. What prompted the conversation about strippers last week? Does he regularly go to strip clubs? He has never gone since we were together. After we dicussed about it, (and it wasn't necessary to tell him that it is not ok, because he knew it, wouldn't be ok for him either) we started to make fun out of it. Like I'm going, I told him "Yeha go and have fun" but nothing serious in the end. Today he told me that he couldn't call me to talk last night because he was to a strip club and was drunk when he got home.
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