After 1st date she doesn't seem to be taking the hint that I'm not interested. Tell her directly?

[Acacia98]

22 hours ago, max3732 said:

and when I told her I couldn't she said "don't tell me you're trying to get rid of me" and I said no, but I really needed to get going and she asked why.

Lol. This is some high-level manipulation. She knows you're trying to back out and she's determined not to let you go. This is pretty much how "nice guys" bulldoze reluctant women into dating them.

In other words, she's pushy and she's using your politeness against you. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself taking her out on another date against your will.

[some_username1]

5 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

Lol. This is some high-level manipulation. She knows you're trying to back out and she's determined not to let you go. This is pretty much how "nice guys" bulldoze reluctant women into dating them.

In other words, she's pushy and she's using your politeness against you. If you're not careful, you'll find yourself taking her out on another date against your will.

Why on earth would anyone want that? Because they think they can win you over if they pester you enough? Hmm....I can see that might work for guys but imo there isn’t much worse a girl could do than try and beg a pity date. It’s so desperate and with guys being tee’ed up by society to be the pursuer it just feels odd to have the situation reversed and the girl doing all she can to get another date- if I was attracted I damn well wouldn’t be after that!

Anyway, this particular woman sounds like she is either desperate, has no pride, or has no emotional intelligence and none of those are good qualities. Maybe I’m a bit too much the other way because I’ve got loads of pride, totally not desperate and like to think I can read cues on a date pretty well, to the point that if somebody wanted to end a date after an hour with me then it would have to take some pretty blatant signs for me to pursue things further from that point. I don’t think I’ve ever had a great date that finished after an hour (thankfully I can only think of one in recent times), that’s classic “thanks but no thanks” territory and your pride/emotional intelligence should kick in and if the feeling isn’t mutual you gracefully accept the situation and delete their contact details. 

[max3732]

15 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

Why on earth would anyone want that? Because they think they can win you over if they pester you enough? Hmm....I can see that might work for guys but imo there isn’t much worse a girl could do than try and beg a pity date. It’s so desperate and with guys being tee’ed up by society to be the pursuer it just feels odd to have the situation reversed and the girl doing all she can to get another date- if I was attracted I damn well wouldn’t be after that!

Anyway, this particular woman sounds like she is either desperate, has no pride, or has no emotional intelligence and none of those are good qualities. Maybe I’m a bit too much the other way because I’ve got loads of pride, totally not desperate and like to think I can read cues on a date pretty well, to the point that if somebody wanted to end a date after an hour with me then it would have to take some pretty blatant signs for me to pursue things further from that point. I don’t think I’ve ever had a great date that finished after an hour (thankfully I can only think of one in recent times), that’s classic “thanks but no thanks” territory and your pride/emotional intelligence should kick in and if the feeling isn’t mutual you gracefully accept the situation and delete their contact details. 

As much as I'd love to get a 2nd date with someone who doesn't like me on the 1st I don't think I'd want to get a pity date by manipulating her.

Something else I didn't mention is I put all my stuff away and put my bag on my shoulder and stood up ready to go and then she goes and sits down and takes out her phone to show me some pictures. So I'd say I had some strong non-verbal indications that I was ready to leave.

The other thing she did was she starts asking me questions about tennis and other things I'm passionate about and I couldn't help but answer and ended up spending way too much time there. I do feel like I was manipulated to stay there, but also feel a bit guilty about having someone take such an interest in me and things I'm interested in only to shut her down.

Anyone who has read my posts knows I'm not the best at reading social cues from women and struggle with nerves and communication on dates, but I can't imagine that didn't realize I wanted to leave. It does feel like she's trying to guilt me a bit into going out with her again.  

[Noproblem]

I feel this girl clearly knew you wanted to end things, but she has ulterior motives to clinging to you, are you rich or have something she wants by any chance?

[Versacehottie]

listen, if you continue to get better at dating and have more dates, stuff like this will probably happen again: where a girl likes you and you don't return the interest and are having to turn her down or escape.  It's not the end of the world.  Certainly better than things being the other way around.

The more you are social with other people--dating, friendships, whatever--the more you will realize that people DO what they do.  It doesn't really matter that you gave the clue perfectly or too vaguely.  You can only control yourself, which is what you need to do--ie reiterate that you aren't interested.  I can't tell if she is still pursuing you via messaging/text/phone etc? Is she?

If she is, several people have given you a good idea of what to say. If she isn't, I'm not sure why you would focus on it.  The moment has passed.   If you want to learn from it then the lesson IMO: is that people don't always do what they "should" and communication isn't always clear, whether it's willingly or unwillingly.  You have options for how you respond if she is contacting you again.  That's all you can control.

While I don't think it matters if your sentence to her made it CLEAR that you weren't interested, i think it was a little too vague to be honest.  Considering the factors: she likes you and is hopeful, you were speaking about several things during that moment, so "i don't think it's going to work out" or however you phrased it is a little too vague if YOU want to be clear.  You can't control how the other person interprets it, only try to make yourself AS clear as possible & repeat yourself more distinctly if it comes up again.  When you have a HARDLINE/black & white decision about something like you do about wanting to date her, that's what you need to do.  If you were "negotiating" with someone and leaning a certain way but not SET on it, vague may be helpful to gather more information or turn the negotiation in your favor.  But since you are hard-line decided, just repeat yourself, which it's only the second time and the first time was questionable that it was understood correctly.  Not a big deal.  If you are dating more & get serious with someone, the conversations are bound to get much harder than this

Edited August 17, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Wiseman2]

Don't go on tennis dates. Pick something with a clearer escape route like meeting for coffee.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't go on tennis dates. Pick something with a clearer escape route like meeting for coffee.

Tennis dates are fine. It's Covid after all.  A tennis date has an end -- when the match is over.  Coffee is open ended because people can linger & not finish that last sip or get another cup.  

[max3732]

20 hours ago, Noproblem said:

I feel this girl clearly knew you wanted to end things, but she has ulterior motives to clinging to you, are you rich or have something she wants by any chance?

Maybe there's something I have that she wants like money or just some of the interests I mentioned

20 hours ago, Versacehottie said:

listen, if you continue to get better at dating and have more dates, stuff like this will probably happen again: where a girl likes you and you don't return the interest and are having to turn her down or escape.  It's not the end of the world.  Certainly better than things being the other way around.

The more you are social with other people--dating, friendships, whatever--the more you will realize that people DO what they do.  It doesn't really matter that you gave the clue perfectly or too vaguely.  You can only control yourself, which is what you need to do--ie reiterate that you aren't interested.  I can't tell if she is still pursuing you via messaging/text/phone etc? Is she?

If she is, several people have given you a good idea of what to say. If she isn't, I'm not sure why you would focus on it.  The moment has passed.   If you want to learn from it then the lesson IMO: is that people don't always do what they "should" and communication isn't always clear, whether it's willingly or unwillingly.  You have options for how you respond if she is contacting you again.  That's all you can control.

While I don't think it matters if your sentence to her made it CLEAR that you weren't interested, i think it was a little too vague to be honest.  Considering the factors: she likes you and is hopeful, you were speaking about several things during that moment, so "i don't think it's going to work out" or however you phrased it is a little too vague if YOU want to be clear.  You can't control how the other person interprets it, only try to make yourself AS clear as possible & repeat yourself more distinctly if it comes up again.  When you have a HARDLINE/black & white decision about something like you do about wanting to date her, that's what you need to do.  If you were "negotiating" with someone and leaning a certain way but not SET on it, vague may be helpful to gather more information or turn the negotiation in your favor.  But since you are hard-line decided, just repeat yourself, which it's only the second time and the first time was questionable that it was understood correctly.  Not a big deal.  If you are dating more & get serious with someone, the conversations are bound to get much harder than this

I like the options everyone has given for how to respond. Seems like we might know some of the same people and I'd like to leave things in a way where we can both have our heads up high if we happen to see each other again or if she mentions me to someone I know. Basically I want to let her down in a way that's kind, just like I'd like someone to do with me. 

I've never been on a date where I tried to end it and the woman wouldn't let me go before. So I was also interested in getting tips for how to handle that if it comes up again. She has sent me a few texts with "how is your day going?" or talking about something she did. Not sure if that's considered pursuing from her.

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Tennis dates are fine. It's Covid after all.  A tennis date has an end -- when the match is over.  Coffee is open ended because people can linger & not finish that last sip or get another cup.  

Agree with that

[Versacehottie]

5 hours ago, max3732 said:

I like the options everyone has given for how to respond. Seems like we might know some of the same people and I'd like to leave things in a way where we can both have our heads up high if we happen to see each other again or if she mentions me to someone I know. Basically I want to let her down in a way that's kind, just like I'd like someone to do with me. 

I've never been on a date where I tried to end it and the woman wouldn't let me go before. So I was also interested in getting tips for how to handle that if it comes up again. She has sent me a few texts with "how is your day going?" or talking about something she did. Not sure if that's considered pursuing from her.

 

Well then the time is now to tell her one of the things you choose to say to let her down in a kind way.  Each of those texts, is her nudging you to see if you are going to ask her out again or if she can generate some momentum--so yes she is trying to pursue (not in a super pushy way) but she is definitely in the limbo where she is not clear on what your intentions are.  If you know some of the same people & always just because she hasn't done anything wrong, I agree with the kind & taking the high road method.  It's good karma.  And you can't fault the lady for having good taste!  That's really how you need to look at it.  At least give her credit for seeing that you are a catch.

The lesson for future dates if you are ever in the same position, just know that sometimes you need to reiterate your position, be clearer with your words & actions, that taking the high road makes you feel good as well in not an ideal situation (best road to pick); and ultimately it's a good problem to have.  It mainly means that someone has noticed the value and attraction in you.   Rather than further focus on their shortcomings in terms of wanting to date them; it just makes sense to do what you can do, which circles back to being clearer, kind & direct.

As far as extending a date when in theory it's winding down--sometimes those will be GOOD dates that you will probably want to continue as well. Same with any interpersonal relationship, including dating, you have to go in with boundaries & be willing to enforce them.  It makes much more sense to focus on that & work on being expressive with stating boundaries than to focus on a person who didn't or doesn't want to comprehend your message.  The point being is there will be another person in no time who will do the same thing, ie not comprehend your message).  So getting better at expressing boundaries is what you can work on.  Tell her as soon as possible IMO. Good luck!

[Wiseman2]

Be "busy" a lot.

[mhar]

It is hard for women to let go.  She probably thinks there is hope.  Just be nice and tell her you want nothing to do with this "friendship".  It works with me.  Don't beat around the bush.

 

 

[kismetkismet]

I think you were pretty clear. Trying to end the date multiple times, telling her you "don't think this is going to work," and not suggesting a second date would be clear to most people. This girl apparently isn't most people though, so it sounds like you'll have to tell her directly. Don't just continue texting her because she'll take that as you expressing interest. 

[babybrowns]

Please tell her directly, the longer it’s taking you to do this the more invested she will get. Be kind to her and do it now.

[gamon]

Some people don't take no for an answer. Clearly she's one of them. Just go dark and stop responding to her. She'll either figure it out or give up.