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After 1st date she doesn't seem to be taking the hint that I'm not interested. Tell her directly?

max3732

By max3732
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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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I did a tennis date and after about an hour I said I needed to go and she said something like "are you tired already"? I told her no, but I had to work on some things, then she said can't you stay a little longer and I agreed and ended up staying a lot longer. Then when I again suggesting parting ways she suggested going to a place to eat and when I told her I couldn't she said "don't tell me you're trying to get rid of me" and I said no, but I really needed to get going and she asked why. I gave her a reason I had to be somewhere and she said "let's do this again" and I felt a bit on the spot and said something like "It was great meeting you today, but I don't think that's going to work". Since then she's sent me a couple messages and just like some of my other dates aside from her being rather pushy with staying when I told her I had to go she was pleasant enough, but it wouldn't work for a relationship.  

Do I need to directly tell her I'm not interested in a relationship with her? 

What do you make of her comments when I was trying end the date? I've never had anyone do that before. That was the only thing she did that I thought was rather off and made me uncomfortable. Other than that I'd be fine being friends with her.

La.Primavera Established Member

La.Primavera

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A lot of people will initially try the non confrontational or "soft rejection" approach to try to be nice.  Most clued up people get it and back off.  However, some people are utterly clueless or just plain pushy.  With those people, you need to be blunt. 

You said you didn't think it was going to work, which should have been enough.  For that reason, I would advise against being friends with her because I doubt she will see any distinction or have boundaries there either. 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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This frequently happens to women - it's one of the reasons women lie and say they have a boyfriend.  

I would say that same thing to you that I would to a woman:  You've been clear that you don't want to date.  So next step is to just block them.  You don't need to explain yourself again.   And no, you can't be friends.   Taking friendship from someone when you know they want more is unkind.

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mhar Member

mhar

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Why don't you like her?  Why did you even go out?

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MissBee Established Member

MissBee

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It seems saying it wasn't going to work was direct enough, but if she's still texting you I'd say it again that you enjoyed meeting but don't want to pursue a relationship. If she still persists then at that point you can just block her and move on, as at that point this person doesn't respect your boundaries if they refuse to listen.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Tell her again diplomatically that it's not a match. Then block her. She sounds like a clinger.

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mhar Member

mhar

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Aren’t we all. Lol  god, why do men put us through this turmoil? Lol

and these exes that come back. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

dating is not worth this much pain. 

i am over this guy thanks to this forum. 

Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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14 minutes ago, mhar said:

I would rather be single and use toys😂

Post in one of your own threads about the guy you think is coming back to you after you bombed his phone 

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Trail Blazer Established Member

Trail Blazer

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All you can do is be straight up with her and say you don't see things progressing forward.  Thanks for the date and all the best. 

ShyViolet Established Member

ShyViolet

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Yeah, this person needs to hear it bluntly.  Just say "You're nice, but I don't feel that we are a match."  If she keeps pestering you, she might be crazy.  Block her.  And no, you shouldn't be friends.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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12 hours ago, max3732 said:

Do I need to directly tell her I'm not interested in a relationship with her? 

Yes.  You sugar coated it & she took it to mean you couldn't continue the date you were on, not that you don't want to date her.  

No you can't "be friends" with her because she is interested in romance not friendship. 

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

 You've been clear that you don't want to date.  So next step is to just block them.  You don't need to explain yourself again.  

I don't think you have been clear. See above.   Do state one more time that you are not interested in a relationship with her. Use the cliches like you are just not feeling it.  If after that she still pursues, then you can resort to blocking or you can just block now & ghost.  But I submit you should treat her with the kindness & clarity you'd want from somebody who was rejecting you.  

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Versacehottie Established Member

Versacehottie

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13 hours ago, La.Primavera said:

A lot of people will initially try the non confrontational or "soft rejection" approach to try to be nice.  Most clued up people get it and back off.  However, some people are utterly clueless or just plain pushy.  With those people, you need to be blunt. 

You said you didn't think it was going to work, which should have been enough.  For that reason, I would advise against being friends with her because I doubt she will see any distinction or have boundaries there either. 

Totally agree.  Just respond if she contacts you again that you enjoyed meeting her but don't feel a romantic connection with her or chemistry with her.

She's hopeful, probably overly so, probably pushy, conveniently misunderstanding and doing the work to try to give the relationship momentum.  It's a good problem to have for a change of pace.

Don't say or try to remain friends with her.  It's not nice to do when someone wants more & undoubtedly if she is pushy here and now, she will still have some of those traits and it could get messy and annoying for you. 

Just like a good relationship that is the one you want, you will often have to have uncomfortable conversations. Especially to get what/where you want with someone or with your own goals. Think of this as practice for that. Be kind but firm & clear. Good luck

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Phallacy Established Member

Phallacy

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Tell her your mom wouldn’t approve of her.

lurker74 Established Member

lurker74

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16 hours ago, max3732 said:

"It was great meeting you today, but I don't think that's going to work". 

I don't get why this was not clear. Could it have been more clear? I guess, but it seems pretty obvious. But regardless, have this or something similar saved in the notes of your phone:

"The hardest part about dating is when you have to tell someone that it isn't going to move forward. You are great and I am sure you will find someone with whom you match, but it isn't going to work with us. I wish you all of the good luck in finding that person. Take care."

Then move on. 

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mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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Can't blame a girl for trying. Yes, be very blunt and direct. Next step after that is to block with no further comm/explanation IMO, as noted above.

Some people aren't good at taking hints, others think if they chase it might "work out" and still others simply aren't good at taking no for an answer. Doesn't really matter which it is, your position is the same.

No "friends." I think with this particular woman it will just encourage her and she might kid herself that your on a "taking it slow" path to a relationship and might continue chasing and possibly escalate. if you're done, be done.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Posted (edited)
17 hours ago, max3732 said:

I did a tennis date and after about an hour I said I needed to go and she said something like "are you tired already"?

said something like "It was great meeting you today, but I don't think that's going to work". 

Do I need to directly tell her I'm not interested in a relationship with her? 

Ask her  how she feels about men wearing ladies panties.👙 The texting will stop, without actually saying anything or admitting to anything or rejecting her.

Edited by Wiseman2
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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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41 minutes ago, lurker74 said:

I don't get why this was not clear. Could it have been more clear? I guess, but it seems pretty obvious. But regardless, have this or something similar saved in the notes of your phone:

It was unclear because max said it was nice meeting you "today".    Since she asked him to stay longer & he did, when he said no to extending the tennis date to something to eat she got the impression that it was no to eating that day but optimistically thought another day would be OK.  Thus it wasn't obvious or clear

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kendahke Established Member

kendahke

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When people choose to not get the clear declaration you're saying, it's time to become very direct with them and tell them "no".

It's up to her to manage her feelings of rejection, not you.

Edited by kendahke
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Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

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Give her a polite message about how it was nice meeting but you're not feeling the chemistry, good luck in your search. If she keeps pestering you after that, just block her. 

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rjc149 Established Member

rjc149

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It's nice to be the one being chased, eh Max? Haha 😎

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

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I thought you were pretty clear, and wanting to get out of there early..... she just didn't want to listen. I'm sure she has been down that road before, and possible thought if she pushed hard enough she would get another date. So many say, awww come on you can't possibly instantly like and know someone on the first date...give them or me a chance. She just might have that mindset. Take the direct approach like everyone had said. If she doesn't take it well, that's on her not you. Block delete ignore.

Trust me, there are some that just don't give up. This guy Leo who was a regular at the club I worked at...omg I must have told him no a thousand times. I guess everyone runs into someone like that once in their lifetime.

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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Well if you talk to her again and reject her openly, be prepared for her to get mad and reject you back, sometimes it happens this way.

To avoid all that drama, some people ignore/disappear/block.

 

ssm617 Member

ssm617

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Maybe she thought you meant that you couldn't extend the date instead of not being interested in her. Anyhow next time she contacts you, tell her that we aren't a match or there wasn't a connection. If she keeps bothering you after that, then ignore/block her. 

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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It was unclear because max said it was nice meeting you "today".    Since she asked him to stay longer & he did, when he said no to extending the tennis date to something to eat she got the impression that it was no to eating that day but optimistically thought another day would be OK.  Thus it wasn't obvious or clear

I understand that I wasn't that direct, but when she said "we'll have to do this again" I said something like "that isn't going to work". I don't see how could think I was talking about getting something to eat.

I've been rejected multiple times (and posted about many of them) with someone I've met online, but never tried to push someone to stay longer after they said they needed to go. When she said she wanted to do this again I had been trying to leave for a while and felt very uncomfortable.

Maybe it wasn't clear or forceful enough. Now it's pretty clear what I have to do if she contacts me again. Thanks everyone!

I've been rejected so many times I'd like to be as polite as possible doing the rejecting myself.

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