The other side of the story of this weird situation, new findings after everything was sorted out!

[marybelle08]

Hi everybody, so my boyfriend and I had already talked about this and we kind of sorted things out, he apologized says he loves me and it was “ never with the intention of anything “ he said he felt comfortable speaking with me about it and so on, so I decided to give him a chance and start from there but recently I found out some things I didn’t know of which I don’t know what to think of, I have gotten many advice from other forum, to just DUMP HIM and move ON!! (I don't know if you guys would advice the same, or give me a different point of view).

 

Below these lines I will give a brief explanation of my past thread, please read if you have not or if you do not remember,  if not just skip to the paragraph that begins with a small ASTERISK (*) IN  THE FRONT.

Around August 2016 my now boyfriend as an engineer that he is, started working on a luxurious residential building on the beach where he met this girl that caught his eye big time, he has talked to me about this girl a couple of times now ( last time was February 2020).

So when he spoke about her to me, he always said how beautiful, model looking this girl is, that she had all these rich men sending her flowers etc, and that all the men that lived in that building were after her. He even said she had a coke bottle body , (she is a slim girl with a normal body but does not have an amazing figure as he claims she has).

Why in the world would he even exaggerate this woman’s attributes when I have seen some of her pictures and I know he is in fact exaggerating them, this woman is attractive, pretty, works in a nice place, maybe this make him see her even more interesting but nothing as he describes her to me.

They began to fully talk more around Jan-Feb 2017 , they never ended up having a real relationship ( I wouldn't even say DATING for this matter) but I feel that he IDEALIZED their ''THING'' way to much and was deeply falling for her, to the point where he even called her BABE (as I saw in some conversations of the things I came across, More details  shown below ) and I repeat they didn't even have a relationship/dating, ( she had gone through a break up with her past boyfriend  and then while talking to my boyfriend she found out that he cheated on her ( I couldn't resist on seeing their conversations, especially this being a situation that had been eating my head all along, I will repeat this word but he seemed very obsessed/infatuated with this woman.

 

* So most recently I discovered he has an album of her and this other girl he dated after her on his mobile gallery ( hes still has these 2 album on his mobile gallery) So recently I was working on an external hard drive he gave me to save and organize like around 10,000 pictures from his work( I help him out with his job due to high volume of work and he pays me) and I believe he had forgotten or thought he did not have those backup there I have no clue (YES MY BOYFRIEND IS VERY DISPERSE LET ME TELL YOU, FOR MOST OF THE TIME, HE HAS NO IDEA WERE HE KEEPS THINGS, HE LOSES THINGS EASILY, YEAH YOU GET THE PICTURE RIGHT!) but I saw this girls name on a folder with literally 4 more folders inside ( with pictures of her, some pictures of the times they went out together, like 4 pictures of her in sexy lingerie ,( nothing too revealing), and screenshots of their conversations history on Facebook messenger.

 

If you see the conversations you will see that he was literally throwing himself at her) this woman told him on various occasions, that she was heartbroken by her breakup plus finding out she was cheated on, so she did not want to date, neither play with him or hurt him, she was grieving and not ready, she wanted her space, nevertheless my boyfriend at that time kept on insisting that he was a great man, that he would respect her and love her deeply, that he loved her ( I'm shook, LOVED HER LOL, IN SUCH LITTLE TIME!!) anyways this woman said, I don't think you love me, Honestly I don't think he loved her either (to me it's called infatuation perhaps). she even told him : "you have girlfriend problems". and he replied :" I love your voice, your legs, your smile, your scent. " you left your scent on my polo shirt and I could not stop smelling it, ''I think about you every minute of the day''  "I cant wait for a new day to come to see you again'', plus much more crazy stuff like calling her ''MYLADY'' like in the old knights days., to me it kinds of screams like low self esteem from his behalf ( like literally throwing himself at her like that, geezzz louise!!) CORRECT ME IF I AM WRONG.

 

I understand they had to see each other/interact, everyday for quite some months while he was working on that project in this building she worked in ( she was the project manager and out of all the engineers working there he was like the lead that reported issues to her, what they had fix all that stuff) that''s why so much talk between them.

 

It seems this man was really into this girl or at least obsessed about her, cause from the way he talked to me about her and all this collection of her photos ( including sexy pictures), conversations and some pictures of them BOTH.

Another thing I find very STRANGE is that he ALSO took 2 other girls he went out with after this girl to the building she works in, HE ALSO TOOK ME.

 

The other part that caught my eye and I cant quite understand ( maybe it's not what we SHOULD FOCUS ON HERE BUT I AM PLAIN CURIOUS ESPECIALLY AFTER SEEING THE CONVERSATIONS,INTERACTIONS, THE FOLDERS I DISCOVERED ETC.Why in the world did this woman  go out with him a couples of times  ( like at least 7-8 times) to eat, to hang out, etc  and CHATTED WITH HIM OH SO FREQUENTLY??. I mean if she was so heartbroken, why did she accept to go out with him in the first place ( this is I how I feel :'' If I am not interested in a man, I would not dedicate a second of my life entertaining him at all, ESPECIALLY ME BEING HURT AFTER A BREAKUP, I WOULD NOT WANT TO GO OUT WITH ANYONE ESPECIALLY NOT WITH ANOTHER MAN OR EVEN DATE!, UNLESS I AM READY TO MOVE ON!! ), why do you guys think she entertain him, was it an EGO BOOST FOR HER DUE TO HER BREAKUP, DID SHE ENJOY THE ATTENTION FROM HIM, OR DO YOU GUYS THINK SHE REALLY LIKED HIM BUT WAS AFRAID TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE (I think she liked him, otherwise I would not think she would talk to HIM AT ALL) .

 

So what should I do, now that Pandoras box has opened? I don't really know, maybe he forgot he has those folders, but I don't know what to think or do? I don't want to make it seem like I am obsessed about this, He began mentioning her, I got entangled in all of this (cause I recognize and admit that I did not put him in his place with all this mentionitis about this woman), so it's just of my concern that he is not having ME like a SECOND BEST, OR IF THERE IS STILL SOME HIDDEN FIRE FOR HER ( JUST ME, MAYBE I AM WRONG).

BUT WITH ALL OF THESE THINGS THAT I RECENTLY JUST FOUND OUT, WHAT CONCLUSIONS CAN YOU MAKE ?

[schlumpy]

It likely that you are going to keep him no matter what anyone says. It would be much easier for you in the long run to let him go but the heart wants what it wants.

He is just like a cheating spouse and he will have to repair the damage he did to the relationship. Don't offer to forgive him and keep him twisting in the wind as to what you are thinking about doing. He does all the heavy lifting.

Cheaters must suffer consequences or you get a repeat.

He must make a significant sacrifice to get back in the relationship and the steadfastness of that sacrifice can only be evaluated over time and in many different environments. You will soon discover if he is sincere or just using you as plan B.

True Reconciliation will not happen unless he is truly remorseful. He has to be fully transparent with you until you feel you are once again in a safe place.

It's all on him and you can pull the lever on the relationship anytime you want.

Good luck

[marybelle08]

5 minutes ago, schlumpy said:

It likely that you are going to keep him no matter what anyone says. It would be much easier for you in the long run to let him go but the heart wants what it wants.

He is just like a cheating spouse and he will have to repair the damage he did to the relationship. Don't offer to forgive him and keep him twisting in the wind as to what you are thinking about doing. He does all the heavy lifting.

Cheaters must suffer consequences or you get a repeat.

He must make a significant sacrifice to get back in the relationship and the steadfastness of that sacrifice can only be evaluated over time and in many different environments. You will soon discover if he is sincere or just using you as plan B.

True Reconciliation will not happen unless he is truly remorseful. He has to be fully transparent with you until you feel you are once again in a safe place.

It's all on him and you can pull the lever on the relationship anytime you want.

Good luck

Hi there, all of this was way before he met me, they have not talked in three years, neither any interaction of them while him being with me.

Just the fact that he has talked about her on numerous occasions plus me recently finding all of these backups of their old stuff. But none of this was while being with me.

Edited August 16, 2020 by marybelle08

[schlumpy]

12 minutes ago, marybelle08 said:

Hi there, all of this was way before he met me, they have not talked in three years, neither any interaction of them while him being with me.

Just the fact that he has talked about her on numerous occasions plus me recently finding all of these backups of their old stuff. But none of this was while being with me.

Sorry. I guess I missed that.

Why did she go with him? She was amused and maybe flattered by the attention. When someone is infatuated with you it's sometimes difficult not to use that power.

Are you second best? It's hard to say. You can only measure that by the quality of your relationship. Does he do the extra things for you? Is he thoughtful? Does he talk about the future as if you have to be in it?

It's your call.

 

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? How old is he? Why stay with someone who openly talks to you about how hot other women are?

How much of this is from your snooping and how much of this is your imagination? 

[Wiseman2]

All caps bold print. 4 years ago? You seem very intense and obsessed.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, marybelle08 said:

what should I do, now that Pandoras box has opened? I don't really know, maybe he forgot he has those folders, but I don't know what to think or do? I don't want to make it seem like I am obsessed about this, He began mentioning her, I got entangled in all of this (cause I recognize and admit that I did not put him in his place with all this mentionitis about this woman), so it's just of my concern that he is not having ME like a SECOND BEST, OR IF THERE IS STILL SOME HIDDEN FIRE FOR HER ( JUST ME, MAYBE I AM WRONG).

How often does he actually mention her? 

You said the last time was in February. It seems you are obsessed with this. You need to work on your self-esteem and if you think he's still hung up on her, you walk away. Doing what you're doing now is toxic and making things worse. 

[Phallacy]

Cliff notes version please

[smackie9]

In the old days it would have been a shoe box of photos, some love letters, maybe a diary, all stuffed away in the closet with the porn mags. These days you keep all that stuff on your phone...isn't technology wonderful?

The reality is people will think of other people sexually, in a fantasy, part of their masturbation theater, or whatever. There is no controlling what goes on in one's mind.

Just look at his phone as his closet of stuff, some he has put away...it's his memories. Even if he deletes them, they are still in his mind where he can view and play the fantasies over and over at anytime...even while having sex with you. Everyone does it from time to time. Nothing you can do about it.

My recommendation is to tell him to stop bringing up this girl's name or anyone he had a romp with or whatever...you don't care to hear it...tell him to save it for the locker room talk with the boys.