Next Steps / Likelihood of reconciliation down the road from female dumper (26M, 23F)

[dundermifflin]

 

*Request for Advice in bold at bottom*

I (M26) took my gf (F23) of 1.5 years for granted and neglected her during the last month of our relationship (long-distance due to COVID) after getting burnt out from work, and did not give off the amount of excitement to see her that she expected after both of us returned to the city and I met her parents. She also had a few lingering doubts that I only loved her out of convenience previously since I had prioritized work / career stuff over her at times in the past, and took longer to emotionally open up to her as this was my first ever serious relationship. She felt like I did not put in enough effort, and said maybe we are just incompatible. I will note that she was conflict avoidant and we had 1 fight during our entire time together. She also mentioned me potentially going to grad school in 1+ years as another factor. She did not talk to me about love language (which I did not know existed) until 1 year into the relationship this January, and subsequently she felt February was much better as we spent more time together and had an anniversary trip. We then entered a 4 month LDR due to the quarantine, which combined with my work stress killed our momentum and made emotional detachment easier.

She broke up with me without a fight or any sort of warning. After I was too busy to see her 3 days after meeting her parents (only sparsely texted her, and tried to call her once but she did not pick up), she decided to break up with me the next time we were supposed to meet 1v1. I was too blindsided and shocked to respond well, and just accepted her decision while mumbling how I always loved her. We had a follow up conversation 1 week later to discuss, where I did the following:

- clarified a few misunderstandings
- apologized for my grave mistakes, showed regret + remorse, and asked for forgiveness, citing my lack of relationship experience and immaturity for my mistakes
- Got a bit heated in asking her why she never told me about her unmet needs, and why she never communicated when she was unhappy ("why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?" "why couldn't we have had this cathartic conversation 24 hours before the breakup so I would have known about these problems and have had a chance to prove to you I could change?")
- told her how I really feel about her (first true love) and the reasons why I love her
- proposed 4 tangible changes to our relationship to make this work and offered time for us to think about it.


She turned me down at each juncture, as it seemed like she had her mind made up ("apply what you learned to the next girl" - telling me to move on). It's unclear how much of this was due to her feeling the relief stage after dumping me. Some of my takeaways from what she told me during this conversation:

- She had a few lingering concerns about the relationship that she never communicated (how she thought I was dating her only b/c my friends were all in serious relationships, how I was not putting in enough effort) - apparently she was not happy in January which was news to me; however, she only made up her mind to break up with me Wednesday of that week (3 days after I met her parents), with the actual breakup conversation taking place Friday. She claimed that she was going to talk to me about her doubts on Friday anyways, but that she was so mad at me that she decided to pull the trigger
- She told no one about her doubts all along; her best friends which I had met numerous times apparently all disagreed with her initial decision to break things off that way (probably due to lack of communication)
- She thought I was about to break up with her due to the neglect (I was not, I was suffering burnout syndrome and was in an antisocial rut from being cooped up at home alone for too long)
- She felt that maybe we were incompatible (I disagreed, saying that these problems could have been solved with better communication)
- She felt like I prioritized work and other life obligations stuff over her, and that maybe she just wanted to be in a situation where she was always prioritized first. (I admitted that I was wrong, and said that the breakup showed me the necessity of better time management and prioritization from me); however, I had hoped the entire time that she would understand, given she is a consultant who traveled 4 days per week for work pre-COVID, which limited the amount of time we could spend together
- She was not willing to give me a chance despite this being the first time I was aware of these issues ("don't want be in a situation where I have to see if a guy really changed or not")
- She originally was very mad at me and told me that we shouldn't be friends either. After hearing my side of the story, she must have felt guilty and asked if I could see a path to friendship down the road (I told her I wasn't sure if or when, since this was my first breakup)
- She said that her mind was mostly made up, but that if I had reacted in a more passionate / strong way during the original breakup conversation maybe her mind would have changed. (I told her that blindsiding me in the lawn of a crowded park was a terrible spot to do it as I got anxiety attacks during the breakup)
- She was mostly monotone for the conversation, with 2 exceptions - she got really angry when I mixed up her secondary and primary love languages (swapped them in order), and she started crying when we started catching each other up on our new apartments during the middle of the conversation ("I just realized how easy it could be for us to go back to the way things were")
- At the end, she said she loved me and cared for me, but that we should both move on and try to heal from this; she also wanted me to keep her updated on how big life events for me go (e.g., grad school admissions)

In hindsight, there were problems with our relationship like a imbalanced dynamic that probably led me to take her for granted and for her to be afraid to communicate (I was 2.5 years older than her, and was more mature / developed than her in career, self-esteem, hobbies - the only area I was less mature than her in was relationships and being open with emotions). However, if the trust and emotional connection can be restored, I feel like I know what I need to do to make this work (along with additional self-improvement goals I have set for myself post BU).

My ex is a reasonably mature and level-headed person, but definitely has immature tendencies (when she [falsely] thought her manager backstabbed her, she came to me as a crying trainwreck and needed me to calm her down for an hour). She is also close to her asian mother, who I could see giving her advice on never reconciling with an ex. Lastly, we both live in a large city, and I could see her being less willing to settle as someone only 2 years out of college - however, she is definitely a good girl (does not sleep around, and takes sex / intimacy / relationships relatively seriously). She is an amazing person in every regards besides her confidence, conflict avoidance and insecurities, and I feel like a reconciliation would totally be worth it if both of us recognized our mistakes and was mutually willing to make this work.

I am now 30 days past the breakup and 22 days NC. We still follow each other on social media (with all of our pictures together still up) though I have muted all of her BFF's accounts (she does not post much herself). Before I muted her BFF's accounts, their stories featuring her seemed to show her happy (with one story "celebrating" - most likely their new apartment, but possibly also the breakup). However, she still consistently views my instagram stories when I do post. My plan is to start trying to move on while doing either:

- indefinite no contact
- no contact for 3-4 months and see how I feel about her before reaching out to reconnect.

Given these situations, does anyone think it is likely for her to change her mind down the road given that part of her concerns for the breakup were invalid, and that I think she still loves me or is attached to me to some extent? Should I be doing anything different besides NC (e.g. should I reach out again 2 months NC to take her pulse, send a genuine apology letter)? Any thoughts would be appreciated!

[Wiseman2]

Sorry to hear this. You seem quite sincere about her. However a relationship takes two and while you mentioned your downfalls she did not communicate clearly and laid all this down all at once. Keep in mind covid wreaks havoc with many relationships, people's health, jobs, finances, etc.

Also keep in mind that she may have started talking to others. When someone is this detached then comes on with a postmortem laundry list of what's wrong, they can have an eye on someone. Add to that the distance and tossing grad school in for good measures.

Do not take the pulse or write letters. Pull way back to sort and reflect for yourself and to give her space. Leave the door open if you wish but take some time to let hindsight become insight.