Irispoppy Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 First, I apologize that this is so long and thank you for reading if you make it through. Ok so we met about 10 months ago. We were both divorced lonely expats living overseas, working for the same company. On the second date we slept together. The next day he comes over and confesses he has a long- distance girlfriend and wants to just be friends. My ego was a little hurt but at this point I am recently divorced and not looking for anything serious anyway. So, we continue to get together to hang out as friends. After about two weeks, we start sleeping with each other again. He says this time, he doesn’t want to be exclusive or committed and that he sees me as his local girl. The sex was good, and I didn't have anyone else in the hopper, so I decided to continue on with this FWB thing. During our FWB phase, he ran hot and cold, every time I started to pull back, he moved in close, and when I responded to his moving in close with more closeness, he pulled back. He would get jealous of other men who showed an interest in me. This goes on for a few months and then we wind up quarantined living together for 3 months and during this time we actually did become very close. We start saying I love you and making tentative future plans. At this point I am willing to try a relationship as the living together has gone so well. However, I now am noticing red flags that I didn’t really care about before. 1. He refuses to discuss his current status with the long-distance girlfriend. He just says that the last time he saw her she didn’t want to sleep with him and as far as I can tell spending three months 24/7 with him, she doesn’t reach out to talk anyway. Not sure about text. 2. He has not told his ex-wife about me and it seems to me that she takes some priority over me. He asks me to leave the room when she calls about something (they have kids together so there is stuff to talk about). 3. We recently came back home and he has been very reluctant to make vacation plans or include himself in any social plans I have made with my friends and family. 4. When I have tried to DTR he asks why we can’t let it grow organically and if we both love each other and both choose to be together then there is no need to define anything. 5. He is very shy and told me he has no friends 6. We don’t have the same political or religious beliefs. I am prepared to do the slow fade with him now that we are back home and living two hours away from each other. I am just really sad and disappointed because I did fall in love with him and was willing to do long distance but I just don’t think we will move forward unless he starts to prioritize me more. The other issue is I am going on a trip with family (he declined to go) in a few days, and a guy I used to work with reached out and asked if he could meet up with me there. We had a bit of text flirting/sexting and I am looking forward to hooking up with him on the trip. I think I am flattered by his attention and doing this gets my mind off the heartbreak of expat guy. I don’t think the trip guy would mind being used like this, I think he just wants to hook up too. So, do I owe expat guy any kind of explanation about this? Can I just go on this trip, sleep with the cute trip guy and then come back and continue this undefined unrelationship if I want too? I don’t want to sabotage the relationship if there is some hope of it turning into something real.
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 6 minutes ago, Irispoppy said: he comes over and confesses he has a long- distance girlfriend and wants to just be friends. We recently came back home and he has been very reluctant to make vacation plans or include himself in any social plans I have made with my friends and family Sorry to hear this. Yes enjoy yourself with any guy you wish. This was a fling/affair for him and he doesn't want to continue. He was clear upfront that he has a Gf and that he thought of this as a local thing.
ExpatInItaly Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 I think his “girlfriend” his actually his “ex-wife”. Only she’s not an “ex” at all.
smackie9 Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 A) there is no hope of it turning anything real B) you owe him nothing C) please do move on.
ShyViolet Posted August 19, 2020 Posted August 19, 2020 On 8/16/2020 at 4:07 PM, Irispoppy said: The other issue is I am going on a trip with family (he declined to go) in a few days, and a guy I used to work with reached out and asked if he could meet up with me there. We had a bit of text flirting/sexting and I am looking forward to hooking up with him on the trip. I think I am flattered by his attention and doing this gets my mind off the heartbreak of expat guy. I don’t think the trip guy would mind being used like this, I think he just wants to hook up too. So, do I owe expat guy any kind of explanation about this? Can I just go on this trip, sleep with the cute trip guy and then come back and continue this undefined unrelationship if I want too? I don’t want to sabotage the relationship if there is some hope of it turning into something real. Do whatever you want with the new guy. You don't owe expat guy anything. He's already made his decision pretty clear to you, he doesn't want to commit to you. So stop settling for this. What would be the point of coming back and continuing this undefined relationship in the hopes of it turning into something more? It doesn't sound like it will. I think it would be better to just break it off cleanly.
Hotmess118 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) You do you. If after you spent three months living together and he’s not willing to DTR then I think who you hook up with is none of his business. He had every opportunity to go on this trip with you and he chose not to. Have fun! Enjoy your vacation Edited August 20, 2020 by Hotmess118
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