Chibaby Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 Hi! Our family is struggling with a relationship with a neighbor. To sum it up in a nutshell, we’ve lived next door to them for years, and our daughters are the same age, go to the same school, but they barely give us the time of day. They’ve shot down play dates, and many interactions, and we’ve basically felt snubbed. They even stood us up for my kids birthday party - showing up when it ended, after they RSVP’d they were coming. Well, turns out another little girl we know moved in down the street. These two families did not know each other at all, and suddenly hang out every day. I know it’s COVID times, and I wouldn’t be comfortable interacting that close, but it breaks my heart to see my kid being left out. Yesterday they all went swimming in the back yard - we didn’t get an acknowledgment or an invite - but can see/hear them. My daughter knows both girls and sees them from the sidelines every day. I feel so bad for her. I would hate to chalk it up to racism or a religion thing - but I can’t help thinking if we were white, blond, or religious, or “Orange County” enough, that they would be kinder to us. I had a bad experience growing up where my white neighbors wouldn’t let the Asian and Mexican kids into their house - only the white blonds could play. I don’t exactly know how to handle the feelings I have about this. Maybe we are jealous that we aren’t included? I actually feel anger - and want to know why we aren’t good enough. I could say something passive aggressive, I’m tempted to be straightforward and say hey, what’s the deal with you not wanting our friendship? It’s awkward yes...but ugh - living next door makes it tough. Not being included feels really rotten and brings up a cycle of endless thoughts. I guess I should just let it go and enjoy my other amazing friends, but this one just hurts and I’d like some advice on how to deal with these feelings. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 It sucks & it must hurt I think you are right about the racism, at least that is the way it looks. If it was just the adults I would tell you to just suck it up & enjoy your other friends but that doesn't fix your child's hurt. I suppose I'd get her some books about racism & disappointment. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 (edited) Make sure your children have a variety of friends to play with, not just neighbors. Don't assume it's anything or start making your kids feel "inferior" by filling their heads with that. Simply raise them to accept people and that not everyone will be your friend and you don't have to be the most popular or have to be friends with anyone.. Teaching them that they are disliked because of your bad past is simply planting an idea that they should avoid people who are not just like you. Edited August 16, 2020 by Wiseman2 Link to post Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted August 16, 2020 Share Posted August 16, 2020 Wow, that sounds very hurtful :(. I'm so sorry this is happening in your neighborhood :(. I live in a predominantly white neighborhood and one of my friends here (white couple) has a black son and the stories she has told me from some of the families here are so shameful :(. Overall it's a great place it live and I don't even know any of the families she's told me about, but it makes me really sad for her son to have to see this. Thankfully he does have some good friends in the 'hood though (and all the racism was from adults anyway....of course!). I hope you can find a way to make this a teaching lesson for your daughter. Try to keep your head up and be the bigger person. I know, easier said than done :(. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 For some reason they don't like you or your family.... you might never know the true reason. I don't think it's called for to assume it's racism, unless you have actual evidence of that. It sounds like right now that's just a guess. You can't control what other people do. Neighbors are not always necessarily friends.I think you should approach this the same way you would approach any situation in which someone is not interested in being friends with you..... just let it go and move on. Make other friends. I know it's hard because you live next-door to them and have to see them, but pushing the issue won't help. Just ignore them and live your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 4 hours ago, ShyViolet said: For some reason they don't like you or your family.... you might never know the true reason. I don't think it's called for to assume it's racism, unless you have actual evidence of that. It sounds like right now that's just a guess. You can't control what other people do. Neighbors are not always necessarily friends.I think you should approach this the same way you would approach any situation in which someone is not interested in being friends with you..... just let it go and move on. Make other friends. I know it's hard because you live next-door to them and have to see them, but pushing the issue won't help. Just ignore them and live your life. Not racism, exclusion based on you being the "the others" You can't understand this unless you are the other! Link to post Share on other sites
Noproblem Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) Op, I understand how you are feeling and I have felt this way before. you extend yourself, you treat them right, but they don't do the same at all! However, you are making this a big deal and your are projecting on your little girl! Do you want your girl to grew up feeling she is inferior and not wanted? Why they are so freaking important! Screw them! They don't matter, don't even interact with them any more, and it's up to your girl if she wants to speak to that girl or not! You tried to be friends, they don't want that. Nothing left to say but a fake smile and that's it! like others said, try to diversify the environment that your kids live in. Make them have all kind of friends, white, black, Asian, Arabs, Persian, Latino, all of them. Life do not revolved around rude, arrogant, racist, manner-less, mean people! Also, stop looking at what your neighbors do, why are you even in the home, take your kids and wear your masks and go outside. Have some fun! Edited August 18, 2020 by Noproblem Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chibaby Posted August 19, 2020 Author Share Posted August 19, 2020 Thank you for your replies - let me clarify, this is is something that has been bothering ME. Not something I am projecting on my daughter. We have not really discussed it with her, nor does she seem particularly phased by it. These are feelings I'm personally battling - and don't plan to talk with her about right now, unless she brings it up. I appreciate all the perspective. Luckily I have a solid moms group in my area, and I am part of the women's surf community in Southen California, which is a very tight knit, diverse, and wonderful community. We are pretty active and outdoorsy, and my kids are happy. I realize not everyone wants to be friends, whatever the reason. That being said, it doesn't take away the way I feel. It's probaby correct that racism might not be the right thing to assume, although the particular community I live in has a reputation for it. Whatever the reason, I just feel a deep sadness. It really gets me down after all these years trying. I know it's not worth my time and effort, but I can't just flip a switch in my heart and turn off the way I feel about rejection. This neighbor has put up walls with us for so long, and someone new moves in and - boom - just like that they hang out every night, and continue to exclude us. I surf almost daily and the second I get in the water it just washes all those feelings away. I tell myself every day it doesn't matter, it's not worth my time, and honestly I don't think there's anything spectacular about them. But, when we go for a walk or see them playing together, I feel sad and rejected again. We aren't really doing playdates now until the world gets better - but our neighbors aren't aware of that, so it just hurts a lot. I guess I'm just looking for ways to cope and help me get over this feeling. I know it's a toxic feeling - how do I turn it off and move on? Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Chibaby said: I know it's a toxic feeling - how do I turn it off and move on? I just think you move on by occupying yourself with other things, making other friends. Why do you care so much about these people? It sounds like you were never friends with them. It's not like you were friends with them and then one day they cut off the friendship. What's the point of trying so hard to get them to be your friends? It shouldn't be such a pursuit. Just try to drop it. Not all neighbors are friends. In life, not everyone is going to be your friend. Some people will be cold, will prefer to keep to themselves. That's just life. Focus on the people who DO want to be your friends. Edited August 19, 2020 by ShyViolet Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 Don't try to keep up with the Joneses. They may not like you because you have an attitude and prejudices. Keep busy with other people. This isn't about them. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 (edited) You say the girls go to school together. Do they play together at school? If so, it's odd that they don't play together outside of school. However if they don't play together at school, it's perfectly normal that they don't play together outside of school. Even as young children, friendships are formed by connection rather than proximity. Edited August 19, 2020 by basil67 Link to post Share on other sites
asya47 Posted August 19, 2020 Share Posted August 19, 2020 Each person has a role to play in your life. Family, friends and relatives are important. Sometimes there is such a relationship with his wife that bread crumbs are not needed, not to mention tea. Therefore, I am of the opinion that it is necessary to very carefully select your circle of loved ones. I test people using the Volikov test. You enter the date and time of birth and get a complete, free analysis of his character. All cockroaches will also be opened, and you already decide for yourself whether this is your person or not. But in the future you will be sure that there is someone to drink tea with! Link to post Share on other sites
Ostepop Posted August 28, 2020 Share Posted August 28, 2020 On 8/18/2020 at 2:34 AM, ShyViolet said: For some reason they don't like you or your family.... you might never know the true reason. I don't think it's called for to assume it's racism, unless you have actual evidence of that. It sounds like right now that's just a guess. You can't control what other people do. Neighbors are not always necessarily friends.I think you should approach this the same way you would approach any situation in which someone is not interested in being friends with you..... just let it go and move on. Make other friends. I know it's hard because you live next-door to them and have to see them, but pushing the issue won't help. Just ignore them and live your life. Exactly this. Very cheap to pull a racism card. People dislike people all the time and this is likely just another of those cases. It sucks, but what can you do? Link to post Share on other sites
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