Jet8419 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 I’ve been chatting with a guy lately, nothing flirty, just friendly talk but I do find he’s a nice guy. I just texted him if he’s home anytime in the next few weeks, I have some beer I received from clients that I don’t drink but happy to drop them off at his place since I know he loves that particular brand. He replied “You gonna come round for a meal?”. I am confused by that question - did he ask that as a date? Or asking if I intend to stay for a meal instead of just passing him the drinks? I replied “depends whether you have time, since your schedule is so hectic”. I thought would be nice to stay for a meal to get to know him more, but also aware he’s super busy working 60 hours a week, so I don’t want to take up too much of his time either. I don’t know if there was a better way to answer him?
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 Have you ever met in person before? Don't push for an in home date for the first meeting. Don't bring him beer or invite him to your place or worse, invite yourself to his place. Start off with a brief coffee meet in public. Nobody is too busy for something they're interested in. You are chasing too hard. 6
Author Jet8419 Posted August 16, 2020 Author Posted August 16, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: Have you ever met in person before? Don't push for an in home date for the first meeting. Don't bring him beer or invite him to your place or worse, invite yourself to his place. Start off with a brief coffee meet in public. Nobody is too busy for something they're interested in. You are chasing too hard. Yes, we’ve gone out a few times for breakfast and dinner. Except now with covid, it’s probably safer drop things off at his place than a public place.
Author Jet8419 Posted August 16, 2020 Author Posted August 16, 2020 About 7 months. I met him at a work function.
elaine567 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 If you like him and trust him, and he asked you to stay for a meal then say yes. It is up to him as to whether he is too busy or not. Of course he may see it as a yes to sex too, so be aware of that, but not all guys think like that. 1
d0nnivain Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 I'm not sure. Since you have gone out before, I would say this meal is more like a date. 1
poppyfields Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: If you like him and trust him, and he asked you to stay for a meal then say yes.It is up to him as to whether he is too busy or not. Of course he may see it as a yes to sex too, so be aware of that, but not all guys think like that. This^ and especially the bolded. Let him worry about his own busy schedule, if he was soooooo busy, he wouldn't have asked. What happened during your two prior dates - breakfast and dinner? Was there chemistry, did he kiss you? The way you described your RL in your initial post, nothing flirty, just "friendly chat," I'm confused about what you are. What I mean is if you're friends, he may have simply asked as a friend, as any friend would ask another over for a meal. He may be hoping for some "benefits" though, so like elaine said, be aware. I would not assume it's a "date" or that he wants to date you, he may just want FWB, which it sounds more like to me. I could be wrong. But play it out, just stay aware and don't assume. . Edited August 16, 2020 by poppyfields
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 2 hours ago, Jet8419 said: About 7 months. I met him at a work function. Are you dating or work friends or are you hoping to date and hoping this turns out to be a date? 1
Versacehottie Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 If the other two times meeting were actually dates then I think he is stringing you along or not that interested. He's doing practically nothing to move this forward with you--only being nice or responsive toward you when you are chasing after him. Also why the thing with the beer???? Sure if he was your boyfriend and you receive something you don't drink/use but you know he does then sure give it to him. But from how you described things as they are now, you are not in a position to do this. Doing so, shows that things are out of balance and that you are giving him girlfriend-like behavior or being overly attached when he is doing nothing to earn that or generate that behavior from you. I was kind of cringing the whole way through your OP. It was bomb after bomb where you are chasing after this guy, it feels like. Even you spell it out for him "depends when you have time, since your schedule is so hectic"---like throwing yourself completely at his mercy and his schedule. 60 hours a week is not THAT much!! It doesn't explain 7 months worth of "busy". The rest of your statement after that was pussyfooting around not wanting to "bother" him etc. Jesus! If you are feeling like this, you have put him on a pedestal & yourself down down--this is probably part of the reason you are in this predicament. Why are you treating yourself like a second class citizen? 6 1
poppyfields Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, Versacehottie said: If the other two times meeting were actually dates then I think he is stringing you along or not that interested. He's doing practically nothing to move this forward with you--only being nice or responsive toward you when you are chasing after him. Also why the thing with the beer???? Sure if he was your boyfriend and you receive something you don't drink/use but you know he does then sure give it to him. But from how you described things as they are now, you are not in a position to do this. Doing so, shows that things are out of balance and that you are giving him girlfriend-like behavior or being overly attached when he is doing nothing to earn that or generate that behavior from you. I was kind of cringing the whole way through your OP. It was bomb after bomb where you are chasing after this guy, it feels like. Even you spell it out for him "depends when you have time, since your schedule is so hectic"---like throwing yourself completely at his mercy and his schedule. 60 hours a week is not THAT much!! It doesn't explain 7 months worth of "busy". The rest of your statement after that was pussyfooting around not wanting to "bother" him etc. Jesus! If you are feeling like this, you have put him on a pedestal & yourself down down--this is probably part of the reason you are in this predicament. Why are you treating yourself like a second class citizen? Harsh truth!
smackie9 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 few dates over 7 months isn't dating. He wants to have sex, that's what "Have dinner at my house" means. 3
FudgeSwirl Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 That is really kind of you to want to give beer you know he likes that you know that will not drink. If I get something for free that I know I won't use I ask the first person that comes to mind that I know would appreciate whatever the item is if he/she wants it. Before you go to his house and offer him the beer, consider a couple of things. Him asking you to dinner at his place does qualify as a date since you have already gone out with him a few times so if you are okay with having nothing serious and going on a date with him once a month then go for it. If you are looking for something more, you need to talk to him and see if he's looking for the same thing. If he's not but says he wants to still see you I wouldn't bother going to his house or even just to drop off the beer.
Wiseman2 Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 7 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I just texted him if he’s home anytime in the next few weeks, I have some beer I received from clients that I don’t drink but happy to drop them off at his place since I know he loves that particular brand. He replied “You gonna come round for a meal?”. It sounds like a casual hangout because you offered to come by with beer. Go have fun, but 2 dates in 7 mos doesn't indicate anything serious. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 So reading other people's minds and worrying about their schedules in RESPONSE to an invitation from them to spend time together ... is like making a U-Turn in the middle of a 10-lane highway. There is NOTHING good that can come from that. You are treating yourself like dirt before you even get into the relationship. You are also signaling loudly that you will fit around him, that you don't really value yourself or your time. The relationship will be one-sided and miserable--even if something develops. The question isn't whether he is busy. The question is, "do YOU want to spend this time with him? Does it fit your schedule and sound like something you are interested in" ... And the other part of the question is, "does he realize how lucky he is to get to spend time with you?" In other words, does this dinner work for you? (And to spell this out since you are such a scared, people-pleasing compromiser, this means that you say "no" if the dinner inconveniences you or takes you away from anything you consider important.) And the second part of the question means, is he treating you like you're hot and special? If you think you need to protect him on his own schedule, then you are dating a teenager, and you should not hang with him. But worrying about fitting in around someone else's schedule ... guaranteed to result in you being miserable ... and people lose respect for you when you do that. The kindness people in the world will instinctively pick up that you are a pleaser and you don't have confidence and they'll stop hustling to be kind to you. 1
Author Jet8419 Posted August 16, 2020 Author Posted August 16, 2020 Wow, didn’t realise a simple reply could be interpreted as putting myself down and him on a pedestal. A few dates over 7 months may sound very little, but we’re in a pandemic now and we had lockdowns, so there weren’t that many options how often and where we could meet anyway. 60 hours of work per week as an essential worker may not sound like a lot to some of you, but add that to extra work and meetings he had to deal with at home even on his supposed day off, he doesn’t have much time left to rest. He literally looked like a zombie with dark eye circles the last time we met for breakfast. I just thought it makes sense to be considerate of his schedule since he doesn’t even cook anymore like he used to before covid hit us. I would have responded with the same reply even if it was a friend I was keen to catch up with, since the less busy person has to accommodate to the busier person’s schedule anyway (not sure about others but at least this is how my friends and I work around each other).
mhar Posted August 16, 2020 Posted August 16, 2020 A date is a date. I do not consider food a date. That's boring. Meeting with someone, talking, having some connection and getting intimate is a date.
Lotsgoingon Posted August 17, 2020 Posted August 17, 2020 It's his job to tell you if he's too tired. Otherwise, the assumption in your action is that he can't talk or doesn't feel comfortable saying, "I'm tired." If you think someone is uncomfortable saying "I'm tired, then run. Run far and fast and don't stop." If a person can speak that truth about themselves, you will run into all kinds of troubles when real complications occur. If you heard tired in his voice and that made you viscerally uncomfortable--as in your body got the signal that he would not be fun to hang with ... then you can say "really? you sound dead. I don't think this is the time for me to come over." But that's YOU saying you don't want to meet up. Sometimes people are fine with meeting when they're dead-tired. When someone invites you to do something, never respond with "is it ok? are you sure you want to invite me?" Just screams pushover. Just focus on whether this works for you. It's not your job to read his mind and doubt his invitation. Otherwise, you're implying he's an idiot. You're implying he's so scared or out of touch with himself that he would invite you when he doesn't want to invite you in. 2
poppyfields Posted August 17, 2020 Posted August 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Jet8419 said: A few dates over 7 months may sound very little, but we’re in a pandemic now Yes we are in a pandemic BUT since you were able to meet twice (during the pandemic) you could have met more had you (or perhaps closer to the truth, HE) wanted to. All these excuses you give are simply noise. Anyway, as I said I would not assume it's a "date." Like a romantic date possibly leading to a RL. Just go and play it out. Be careful it doesn't turn into a FWB situation if that is not what you want. Edited August 17, 2020 by poppyfields
basil67 Posted August 17, 2020 Posted August 17, 2020 You give him beer - he gives you something in return. It could be a date or it could be him returning a favour.
Versacehottie Posted August 17, 2020 Posted August 17, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Jet8419 said: I’ve been chatting with a guy lately, nothing flirty, just friendly talk but I do find he’s a nice guy. I just texted him if he’s home anytime in the next few weeks, I have some beer I received from clients that I don’t drink but happy to drop them off at his place since I know he loves that particular brand. He replied “You gonna come round for a meal?”. I am confused by that question - did he ask that as a date? Or asking if I intend to stay for a meal instead of just passing him the drinks? I replied “depends whether you have time, since your schedule is so hectic”. I thought would be nice to stay for a meal to get to know him more, but also aware he’s super busy working 60 hours a week, so I don’t want to take up too much of his time either. I don’t know if there was a better way to answer him? Ok I think lotsgoingon has explained very well how what you said is coming off. I would say you are acting like a nervous mother rather than a dating prospect. You are also reading into things and filling in the blanks instead of taking things at face value and putting yourself on an even playing field. You have minimized yourself & given him excuses to NOT date you out of the blue. Bolded, perhaps this is too friendly talk. You are taking a leap like he consumes your thoughts a bit too much. It's transparent what you want, however the real question is--what is his hesitation for meeting up or making more out of seeing you or talking to you since the last time you saw him. I think you want it to be a date but it could be anything--he has put in very little effort. If he was able to see you two time during the pandemic, there was little stopping him from seeing you once a week. You have to be willing to take up time and space in a potential guy's life. Minimizing yourself to the extent and wording that you did kind of exposes where you think you stand with him and just that you don't deserve to be valued. Here you are going out of your way to drive over his favorite beer and at the same time you are taking it yet another step further to make sure you don't step on his toes in the process. Maybe your mind has been working overtime to try to figure out why he won't make more room for you in his life. Beer doesn't go bad so IMO it would have been far better to reach out to say that you received some & invite him to share it with you. Essentially that is really what you want---you want to see him. Unless you don't drink at all, why not play the game a little? And share the moment. You can say that in a flirty way and leave it open-ended so that if he wants the beer AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, to see you that he'd meet you half way and figure it out like a guy who takes the lead and is interested (and appreciative of you and your gesture). Same as if you were truly taking his job & hours worked into consideration, you can leave him to fill in the blanks about making the effort to make that happen. Mainly, I think the way you worded it & the action of what you are doing and how you put his importance above your own, is conveying to him and perhaps others before him--a message of "take me for granted", "i'm overly nice & will do things for you in exchange for a bit of time with you, completely on your terms". Obviously, it's great to do something nice for someone who is dating you and does nice things for you, but you aren't there yet. Just trying to be real so you realize how that can come off--obviously it means a great deal to you but guessing it's a repeated pattern if this is the way you are trying to make contact with him & way you worded it. IMO, it won't get you what you want--or at least not in the way you would ultimately like it. I think a better way to answer him would be to flirt about the potential dinner! Ask him what he makes that goes with that beer. Put him on the spot a little in a good way. This is so different from trying to be teacher's pet or his mother. Just even on a missed opportunity to flirt or show that you are dating material, you got into the LOGISTICS of the whole thing in your response, bending over backward for his side. Also hmmm i'm not 100% about going to his place. I don't know the guy so perhaps it harmless. I think from the way you bent over backwards, the guy could think you are up for anything--when he has done little to earn it so that could mess you up going forward. Anyway, you can still manage that part by only doing what you are comfortable with & hopefully you will use good judgment. Maybe he genuinely wants to reciprocate with a meal to thank you for it. What did he say after you told him that his schedule was hectic & depends when he has time? That will give more insight into what going on in his mind. Edited August 17, 2020 by Versacehottie 1
Author Jet8419 Posted August 20, 2020 Author Posted August 20, 2020 Well, he just rang for a chat to update what’s been happening over the week, talking about his schedule, some small talk and has confirmed that was an official invite to his place for dinner to catch up. So day and time are all set.
poppyfields Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Jet8419 said: Well, he just rang for a chat to update what’s been happening over the week, talking about his schedule, some small talk and has confirmed that was an official invite to his place for dinner to catch up. So day and time are all set. An official invite to "catch up"? Sounds romantic! Lol Have fun! Edited August 20, 2020 by poppyfields
smackie9 Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 Maybe he just feels obligated to offer you something for the beer. Wink 1
Versacehottie Posted August 20, 2020 Posted August 20, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Maybe he just feels obligated to offer you something for the beer. Wink I agree. Am usually not worried about stuff like this but you really laid it all out on the table so he may count on it as a sure thing & think that's what you want. if you do, good though I wouldn't necessarily correlate it with a subsequent relationship. It may evolve into that, it may not. Anyway, do what you feel like doing physically. Hopefully everything will turn out as you like. I'm a little skeptical with a 7 month lead up and you doing the majority of the work. But maybe he has finally got his head above water both for work reasons and whatever else has been holding him back & will move forward with this thing with you. Have fun & good luck!
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