Found Out My Wife Was Cheating on Me.

[Wife Cheated]

After 20 years of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair. We had met this guy during an outing and long story short he was a mechanic and offered to work on her vehicle. At the time I didn't think much of it as he was married and had kids as well. Over the course of a couple weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behavior and knew something was different, she was even taking her phone everywhere she went. Without any solid proof I had to wait for her to leave her phone out so I could look at it. There was no history in the texts but upon going through her pics there were 120 plus of her doing various things and poses, none of which I had seen. There were also pics of the guy we met also in various different poses. After some doing she admitted they were exchanging pics and she had snuck out in the middle of the night to meet him and have sex with him in the back of a vehicle.

It has been a rough 5 weeks since I have found out, a roller coaster of emotions. Feels like someone threw a rock through a stained glass window that took 20 years to build and I am now trying to put it back together. Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was. Seems like every time I start to put it back together pieces start falling out.

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

 

Any advice from anyone going through a similar situation??

[schlumpy]

2 minutes ago, Wife Cheated said:

I am so confused on what to do.

This is exactly why you should not try and immediately restore your marriage or offer forgiveness.

You don't understand what you are forgiving.

Take as much time as you need to process what has happened to you. Don't let her rush you or use sex to placate you.

Do not offer reconciliation or marriage counseling. Make sure she knows the divorce is on the table.

Type into your browser "cheating 180." This is the one eighty program that will help you detach from your feelings and clear your head for any future decisions.

Just because you caught her doesn't mean the affair is over. They tend to go underground.

One time for sex? You should not believe anything she says right now because it's all damage control. Don't accept her excuses and listen to if she is taking responsibility for the affair or trying to blame you. You cannot MC without true remorse and the affair being over.

You would benefit from Individual counseling and I urge to look into that.

Start digging into her past behavior. Go over the phone records. DNA test any children. Put a GPS on her car.

Start looking into a polygraph to flush out any other affairs she has had in the past.

Buy some voice activated recorders and hide them where she is likely to make phone calls. That would be around the house and in her car.

Put a key logger program on her computer. Ask for all passwords to media accounts.

Take her phone to someone and recover all deleted texts.

If she does not willingly offer to be transparent then you have part of the answer to whether you can reconcile.

You can rug sweep it all under the rug but it won't ever go away and will be repeated unless you take control of your own life again.

I sincerely wish you well.

 

[Wife Cheated]

I appreciate your advice and the time you took you took to type this. I will definitely look into the things you have mentioned.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Wife Cheated said:

If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl.

Revenge is always a better in theory than it is in practicum... Put this idea out of your head right now.. it's not productive.
 

Quote

 

he says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

Any advice from anyone going through a similar situation??

 

I'm a woman and went through cheating and betrayal with my ex and from my experience, my ex said he was sorry, he even squeezed out a few tears and begged me not to dump him, so I gave him a second chance....  ...and he did it again with someone else.  So there's that.

You know your wife better than any of us and only you know if this was a one-off for her or if this was just the first shot across your marriage's bow.  I know I'd let her know that while I forgave her, that doesn't mean I forget her treachery and lying and that is going to take me a lot longer to work out than she may like--and it's really not up to her how fast I got over it.  This is the consequence of her actions and she has to face it and deal with it until such time that I had processed out her infidelity. 

The easy choice was to not to have even put herself in the situation to begin with.

[Wife Cheated]

Appreciate your feedback from a woman's perspective. I know revenge is a great theory and usually doesn't work out the way it's intended to. Just feels good putting it out there and see what kind of responses I get. Thanks again, I really appreciate your feed back.  

[schlumpy]

Sorry you are here.

Tell the other betrayed spouse. The quickest way to put a stop to the affair is to blow it up.

Don't tell your wife because she might try and warn him.

OR:

You talk about revenge and you need to know how far your wife is willing to go to save the marriage?

Take her to OM's house and have her confess to his wife.

You may also get a truer picture of the affair then what you already have.

 

Edited August 13, 2020 by schlumpy

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, schlumpy said:

This is exactly why you should not try and immediately restore your marriage or offer forgiveness.

You don't understand what you are forgiving.

I think this is an important point. 

You are going to need to gather more information before you make any decisions on what to do next. She may have told you all there is know - or not. A lot of cheaters will only admit to what they cannot plausibly deny. It doesn't always mean there isn't more to the story. 

I would try to (quietly) dig deeper and go into observation mode. See if you can find any other details. I would also let the other man's wife know (and as schlumpy suggests, don't tell your wife you're doing so) You need to get a more complete picture of what's happened before you make a choice on your next step. 

[elaine567]

If you feel  that reconciliation is the route you may follow then do  not enter too far into a scorched earth policy.
Blowing it all up, telling everyone in sight, friends, family, work etc. humiliating her or abusing her may make you feel better and feel you are punishing her, but remember you then have to live with her and any kids you have too. Warring, tit for tat parents is never good for kids.
If you decide to tell everyone, you may find people think YOU are weak for taking her back and some will want nothing to do with your wife and that can be awkward socially. Not only will she be ostracised, you will be too  and so might be your kids... kids at school can be very cruel... Sometimes keeping schtum is the best policy for your family.
Men usually cheat for extra, for extra excitement, for extra sex, for fun...  
Many women cheat as they are unhappy at home, lack of connection, lack of perceived love.  Casting yourself as the big bad wolf may be counter productive.
Making an enemy of your wife may not be in your best interests long term.

[DKT3]

First of all, this site is full of opinions,  much of which has an agenda.  Don't pay too much attention to those who will have you think its your fault. 

Your wife cheated because she wanted to.  Its not because she was unhappy.  Anyone who has been married for any amount of time knows we all get unhappy at some point. If people cheated because they were unhappy every one in every marriage would cheat.

[usa1ah]

The fact that you are actually thinking of being with another girl is telling. How strong was your marriage before this, be honest with yourself with your answer. 
 

The problem you are having with trying to R is the fact you haven’t healed at all yet. You need to work on you and to heal. It will take about two months for your head to clear enough to think through what has happened. Then you can decide if you want to fix the train wreck or divorce. 
 

It also doesn’t sound like your wife is doing anything to help you through this. 
 

Lastly, tell the other BS that her husband had an affair with your wife. Have your wife confirm this. Tell your families what has happened, this shuts the door if your wife is continuing the affair behind your back. Also makes her accountable to the entire family, not just you.  

Edited August 14, 2020 by usa1ah

[smackie9]

 

My take on this...she isn't very remorseful if all she can offer is for you to do the same thing she did...what the hell is that? That's not being held accountable. Pretty weak on her part. I get a sense like she blames you. This isn't the time to do anything with all this anger, etc. I agree you need more time to process this alone and let things calm down. Then with a clearer head you will know what you want and how to handle it.

[Fox Sake]

23 hours ago, Wife Cheated said:

After 20 years of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair. We had met this guy during an outing and long story short he was a mechanic and offered to work on her vehicle. At the time I didn't think much of it as he was married and had kids as well. Over the course of a couple weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behavior and knew something was different, she was even taking her phone everywhere she went. Without any solid proof I had to wait for her to leave her phone out so I could look at it. There was no history in the texts but upon going through her pics there were 120 plus of her doing various things and poses, none of which I had seen. There were also pics of the guy we met also in various different poses. After some doing she admitted they were exchanging pics and she had snuck out in the middle of the night to meet him and have sex with him in the back of a vehicle.

It has been a rough 5 weeks since I have found out, a roller coaster of emotions. Feels like someone threw a rock through a stained glass window that took 20 years to build and I am now trying to put it back together. Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was. Seems like every time I start to put it back together pieces start falling out.

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

 

Any advice from anyone going through a similar situation??

The only reason you’re feeling like revenge is because you’re hurting. Deep down you know that’s not going to solve any issues, It’ll just cause another one, and it will justify her doing what she did and not have to feel remorse about it. Two wrongs don’t always make a right. I do understand your feelings tho. 
 

why did you go through her phone? Why did you not confront her about her change Instead ? 
I’m not a fan of phone hijacking, I think it’s disloyal , regardless of what she did and what you found- you already knew something was off and should have gone on that instinct alone. It must have been heartbreaking seeing the photos. 
 

I think what you need to find out is how you feel? Do you trust her?
Could you trust her again completely? Or will you question who it is when you hear her phone ping in the future or who she is sending a message to? 

If you can answer those questions to yourself then you’ll know what the next step to take should be. If it’s sitting down and finding out what the issues in your marriage are , openly and honestly then so be it. But you won’t know until you can answer the questions of trust. 
 

As someone who’s parents stayed together for their children’s sake , I’ll tell you right now it’s unpleasant 99% of the time. Do what’s right for you. Take time to yourself to refuse to on all of this awful situation and see how you feel and what you want out of the rest of your life.  I’m really sorry you went through this.  It’s been many years since I was cheated on but I’ll never forget how it feels. Stay strong 
 

 

 

 

[Wife Cheated]

Hey Fox Sake,

I really appreciate your comments and feedback. I went through her phone because since the cell phone came out our phones were always laying around, most of the time unlocked. For 5 - 6 weeks she had her phone with her 100% of the time. The ringer was never on and every time I would walk in the room she would turn her phone off immediately, and the look of guilt was very apparent. It was quite obvious that something was up.

I never had any intentions of going out to get "even", I just believe that is a thought that most people would have. Not only that my kids have gone through enough and that would devastate them that much more knowing that I am no better than her.

I have an "I don't care what people think of me attitude" and honestly didn't think this would affect me this much. I feel bad for anyone that has gone through this or going through it.

Thanks again for everyone's responses. 

[Crazelnut]

Hi.  I'm sorry you're in this situation.  May I suggest that you post this in the Infidelity sub-forum?  There are some very helpful "sticky" or persistent threads there that are really helpful, and that sub-forum has a lot of very experienced, helpful people.  Best of luck to you.

 

[Wife Cheated]

After 20 years of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair. We had met this guy during an outing and long story short he was a mechanic and offered to work on her vehicle. At the time I didn't think much of it as he was married and had kids as well. Over the course of a couple weeks I noticed a change in my wife's behavior and knew something was different, she was even taking her phone everywhere she went. Without any solid proof I had to wait for her to leave her phone out so I could look at it. There was no history in the texts but upon going through her pics there were 120 plus of her doing various things and poses, none of which I had seen. There were also pics of the guy we met also in various different poses. After some doing she admitted they were exchanging pics and she had snuck out in the middle of the night to meet him and have sex with him in the back of a vehicle.

It has been a rough 5 weeks since I have found out, a roller coaster of emotions. Feels like someone threw a rock through a stained glass window that took 20 years to build and I am now trying to put it back together. Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was. Seems like every time I start to put it back together pieces start falling out.

Then of course there's the thought of "revenge". If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

She says she is sorry, it'll never happen again and she wants us to work out, and again I am so confused on what to do.

 

Any advice from anyone going through a similar situation??

[Robert2016]

Nope saying she's sorry is not enough to ensure she will not repeat.  It takes 3-5 years to rebuild trust.  She should immediately be no contact with the other man for the rest of her life. Even seeing him across the street will trigger the affair in her head.

It's a big deal that she got caught vs stopped on her own. There's nothing to 'work out'. She cheated...she's broken...she needs to fix herself and rebuild your trust.

1 - You are responsible for 50% of the marriage issues but she is 100% responsible for her decision to cheat.  She had alternative options but she chose to cheat.

2 - She needs to dig deep to identify 'why' her core values are so weak as to allow her to cheat.  Feeling bored, needing attention, feeling young again,  anger/resentment at you ... or whatever - are just superficial excuses she used to justify cheating - but doesn't explain why.  Until she knows 'why' she'll cheat again.

Note: no spouse can compete with the excitement of a 'lover'. It's like comparing the family van to a corvette.

3 - She needs to read: How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful by Linda J. MacDonald

4 - You both should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass ...to help understand how this happened.

5 - I suggest 5 letters next week each day stating why she wants to be married to you and what she offers you.

6 - I suggest one 2 page letter why you are a superior life partner vs the other man.

7 - I suggest she write a detailed plan (books, therapy, transparency, GPS tracker) how she will make herself safe so she will not cheat again and to rebuild your trust.

8 - I suggest she sign a post nup

9 - She should write a detailed timeline of her affair (who, what they did, where, when, every text) including what topics they discussed.  Specifically, what did she say about her marriage, her husband.

Also, how did she feel afterward when she came home after having sex.

Writing the timeline is an important part of her therapy because it converts (in her head) her harmless romantic tryst into an ugly act of betrayal.  You can read it or set it aside for later. Some wake up years later and want to know the details.

10 - Do not grant her another chance immediately. In her state of mind it's viewed as weakness and a free pass to cheat again.  Inform her that you're inclined to divorce but will give her 90 days to prove she deserves another chance (extend as necessary).

11 - FINALLY: notify the other man's wife without warning your wife (because she will warn him and he will discredit you).  Nothing destroys an affair like exposure. The other man's wife most likely feels her husband is distant and critical - and blames herself for not being good enough. While the real problem is that she's competing with a no strings no problems 'lover'.  If you fail to notify her, then you are complicit in adultery.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Robert2016

[Robert2016]

Where do I start, is it worth it, will it ever be as good as it once was.

Your wife destroyed your marriage. She is not the girl you married.

You may decide to build a new marriage with this new person. It's 100% your decision.

Are there children at home?  Are you financially dependent on her?  How old are you guys?

[Robert2016]

I suggest the timeline be subject to a polygraph test. The prospect of a polygraph discourages more lies and saves time.

Typical cheater lies are:  this is my first affair, we did it just once  ...

Edited August 14, 2020 by Robert2016

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Wife Cheated said:

After 20 years of marriage I found out my wife was having an affair.  After some doing she admitted they were exchanging pics and she had snuck out in the middle of the night to meet him and have sex with him in the back of a vehicle.

Cover your bases. Privately and confidentially consult an attorney to review your options in the event of divorce. Get your ducks in a row with a professional and know your leverage.

If you want to continue the marriage insist on marriage counselling. If you decide to continue the marriage you'll have to comes to terms. Do not delve further into the affair giving it or the other man any credence. Do not provide a reason for her to keep talking about him instead of your marriage.

[mark clemson]

Sorry to hear about what happened and how you feel about it.

 

1 hour ago, Wife Cheated said:

 If she was willing to send out over 120 pics and videos of her and have sex with this guy shouldn't I, at the very least, be allowed to swap pics with another girl. Some times this is a great idea then it's not a great idea.

It's not a great idea IMO.

[Robert2016]

Your emotional swings are typical. It eventually gets better in time (months/years) and the swings are less severe and occur less often. 

Google:  PTSD.  Your wife's betrayal is a major trauma and you'll experience the symptoms of PTSD.

Your doctor can help with: sleep, anger/resentment/depression, loss of weight.

 

 

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, Wife Cheated said:

I went through her phone because since the cell phone came out our phones were always laying around, most of the time unlocked. For 5 - 6 weeks she had her phone with her 100% of the time. The ringer was never on and every time I would walk in the room she would turn her phone off immediately, and the look of guilt was very apparent. It was quite obvious that something was up.

 Never apologize or feel badly for the actions you had to take in defense of your marriage.

[Buffer]

So sorry brother, you are in the crappy club.

Lets start at what you need ASAP! 
1, Medical checks for yourself, you need to be tested for STDs as well as STIs. They didn’t practice safe sex. 2, Let the POS wife, GF or life partner know of his infidelity. You don’t need your WW’s approval. She may even fight you on this to save him grief. 3, Regardless of what you think you need, seek legal advice for your location, you need to know your rights as well as her responsibilities. 4, Breath in and out. 5, Eat healthy, drink water, no booze or recreational drugs, walk or exercise the stress demons out. 6, She has no more contact with him. Not even a good by text, other than No Contact letter. You proof read this so she doesn’t blame your discovery or offer her love etc. Just a short one or two lines stating No Contact and any contact from now on will be reported to police as harassment and legal consequences will be swift. She also reports any contact even a chance meeting down the street. She doesn’t answer but shows you. 7, Shine a light on her infidelity. She needs to tell her family for support, also let your children know there are issues due to mum hurting dad. No more than this, no she was banging the mechanic. They are her children. 8, She also has to have do the heavy lifting, not you. Don’t give in when she asked what to do. Tell her to find out, read infidelity books etc. 9, She has to know that you have no trust for her from now on. She has to be a open book. Let you know who she is going out with, where, when etc. even if it is 15 minutes late going to the store. Also no privacy, all electronic including phone and computer access, no secret email accounts and passwords.  10, Let her know any emails or photos she sent him she has NO control over them. They can be at any time be on a porn site. And don’t accept ‘no the AP isn’t like that’.  She hasn’t known him all that long. Or what his friends that he showed them to and fwd on to boast of his conquest.

Now settle in for a bumpy ride. You will rise and fall, want to have sex multiples times, then hate the very smell of her and want to yell hurtful things, then want to hold her and hug her tears away. 50% of the marriage problems are on you, but she consciously made the decision to sleep and sext him. That will never be on you! Let her know this! She betrayed you, lied to your children’s faces multiple times, why? Simple she is selfish. That is it! Please don’t say she is a great mother, no mother knowingly hurts her family.

Stand by for the lies, he was terrible in bed, only did it once, he penis was small, she never climaxed, bad breath and a terrible kisser.
She only stopped cause she was caught. Not trying to fan the flames.
But there is more it will come over the next few weeks. She will say things like she is only lying to save you pain. Tell her no more lies, like a band aid rip the bloody thing off now! Also very important a revenge affair never helps. It lowers you morals to that level of a cheater, regardless if she offers you a hall pass. It only shines you that she has less respect for you.
Get her to write a time line of her A, including how she justified at every turn her emotions to betray you. Both as a PG version as well as a XXX. But once red it can never be unseen or unheard. 

Strength to you and respect.

One day at a time 

Buffer

 

Edited August 15, 2020 by Buffer
Soelling

[Wiseman2]

Do not drag your kids into this or start being abusive controlling or make any sort of abusive and controlling letters etc in writing.

When you file for divorce this can and will be held against you. 

Get professional advice and do not do all the foolish things you may read about how to deal with it.

Edited August 15, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Robert2016 said:

I suggest the timeline be subject to a polygraph test. 

Sorry but this is ridiculous. All the OP needs to do is talk to an attorney, follow that advice and decide if he wants to stay married. If the OP decides to stay married, they should follow the advice of a professional.