MilaVaneela Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Based on the OP’s own account, when this man attempted to end the affair she: 1) immediately started sending “racy pictures” to try to keep him 2) tried to get around his wishes to go NC with her (he had her blocked, which shows at least some effort on his part) by calling from other numbers 3) left him more than one angry message when he wouldn’t answer her attempts to get past him blocking her 4) stalked his wife’s social media 5) once again texted him from another number to get in contact with him despite him asking her not to/blocking her OP, gently... you need to stop focusing on this man and his wife and look at your own behavior. All of these things are unhealthy and concerning and I’m sure you would be very upset if you were on the receiving end of all this. In the end, you are only responsible for your actions- you can’t blameshift and make what you’ve done okay. This obsessive behavior isn’t a good thing and could possibly lead to big trouble if you continue to allow it to go unchecked. Also, just to make it clear- if the shoe was on the other foot and either the man or his wife was doing all the things that the OP has said she’s done, I’d tell her that they were in the wrong and she would need to look into protecting herself. My comments are not because she’s a woman, the other woman or a wayward, her behavior isn’t right or healthy in any situation. I choose not to address any of the other parties in the situation because 1) we only have third party information from the OP and 2) she is the one posting here and not anyone else. (Sorry if I sound snippy. I’m tired, got some potentially not good test results today and don’t really want to get into a bunch of what-ifs because all we know is what the OP told us.) 7
Zona Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 4 hours ago, Maylady said: And he said some stranger is facebook messaging him about meeting up. Shes acting like a loon. She's not acting like a loon, she is acting like you would expect a betrayed wife to act. Obviously she is trying to get in touch with your husband and let him know the details of the affair. You should forget about this guy and figure out how you are going to support yourself. Brace yourself, the s*** storm is about to make landfall. 9
Acacia98 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 7 hours ago, Maylady said: This affair only went on for about a month. She needs to take it down a notch. We only had sex twice. So its obvious I wasn't a serious threat. I just want her to leave me alone. Shes acting crazy, coming to my home and staring at me from her car. And the other time she drove by with someone else in the car. They were looking at me and laughing. I dont need to be harrassed. My husband said someone was leaving weird messages at his work. Dont know how she knows about any of that. And he said some stranger is facebook messaging him about meeting up. Shes acting like a loon. For argument's sake, let's say she is "acting like a loon." You invited yourself into this "loon's" life and turned it upside-down. So now you're facing the consequences. You say you only had sex with her husband twice. Okay, let's pretend this is an eye-for-an-eye situation. What do you propose she do to even the balance? Should she confront your husband with evidence of your infidelity twice? Should she have sex with him twice? 4
elaine567 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 5 hours ago, DKT3 said: This affair only went on for about a month. She needs to take it down a notch. We only had sex twice. You fail to see the seriousness of what you did here. People get divorced because the cheater "only" kissed another person, you were in a full-blown physical affair, albeit short. The length doesn't matter, you crossed a line. You ruined her marriage. She hates you atm with every fibre of her being. As she apparently has gone on the offensive, she is capable of anything and telling your husband may only be the start... You want to minimise and rug sweep, but that may not happen. You live in a small town, as the betrayed wife she will have the sympathy of the crowd, this may be a flash in the pan or it could go on for years... i am not sure driving by and laughing at her husband's mistress is something that justifies a restraining order. But forget that, what are you going to do about your own marriage? Are you prepared for divorce? Because that may be the result of all of this... Men tend not to like or are willing to tolerate cheating wives. Get your ducks in a row is my advice. 6
Prudence V Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 10 hours ago, Maylady said: I'm thinking of going to the cops and getting a restraining order before this escalates to something I cant control. If you’re feeling threatened, a restraining order is a good idea. However, given your own behaviour, it’s unlikely to be seen as harassment in the context of this: On 8/20/2020 at 10:59 PM, Maylady said: 9 hours ago, MilaVaneela said: 1) immediately started sending “racy pictures” to try to keep him 2) tried to get around his wishes to go NC with her (he had her blocked, which shows at least some effort on his part) by calling from other numbers 3) left him more than one angry message when he wouldn’t answer her attempts to get past him blocking her 4) stalked his wife’s social media 5) once again texted him from another number to get in contact with him despite him asking her not to/blocking her They may instead grant a restraining order against you - is that a risk you’re willing to take? Is that something you’re comfortable explaining to your husband? And this... On 8/20/2020 at 10:59 PM, Maylady said: He said to stop contacting him. I said get your crazy wife to stop and then I will. ...suggests that any restraining order is likely to be bilateral, if any is granted. You are all out of line on this. 1) You have continued to seek contact with him despite his explicit request that you don’t. 2) His BW is seeking unwanted contact with your H, and harassing you. 3) The MM is sniping at you to get you to back off. Immature and unhelpful in deescalating the situation. With all that drama around, how is your H responding?
Amethyst68 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Quote His BW is seeking unwanted contact with your H, and harassing you It's only unwanted by the OP, her BH may end up thanking the OBS. I'm curious what proof you have for a restraining order. As far as I know you can't just say someone drove past my house. Whereas she's probably got lots of proof of your online stalking. 3
Wiseman2 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 Jerry Springer material. Just stop the madness. Leave your lover alone and get into therapy, privately and marriage therapy. 5
BaileyB Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: You fail to see the seriousness of what you did here. Indeed. It’s time to get serious... worst case scenario, this could cost You your reputation (small town), your marriage, and your ability to leave a peaceful life. Personally, I would try to ignore all the drama and leave this man and his wife alone. If you do see the woman, the only thing that I would offer is an apology... I would also suggest that you tell your husband. Best to get out in from of this, because it seems like it’s only a matter of time before he learns the truth. Edited August 22, 2020 by BaileyB 2
stillafool Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 13 hours ago, Maylady said: I'm not trying to make moot of this. But I've read on here years of infidelity. Even though I felt more than him...we did not continue on for years and years. A month and she acts like this? Calling my husband's work. And I know it's her. So you're okay if another woman has sex with your husband for a month but nothing more? Is 2 times the limit on sex within that month or as much as she likes as long as she doesn't exceed 1 month? 5
MilaVaneela Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said: she's probably got lots of proof of your online stalking Online harassment or harassment by electronic communication (including telephone calls and voicemails) can also bring criminal charges in some places. That’s why I still strongly encourage the OP to seriously examine her own behavior and be careful where she goes from here- not spend time looking for blame with others or escalate things to the point that she ends up in deeper legal trouble (as Prudence said, with a restraining order against her or even worse, criminal charges). It’s just not worth it for anyone. 3
pepperbird2 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 18 hours ago, Maylady said: I'm not trying to make moot of this. But I've read on here years of infidelity. Even though I felt more than him...we did not continue on for years and years. A month and she acts like this? Calling my husband's work. And I know it's her. That you think what you did and her actions post affair are even on the same planet let alone the same ball park is really telling of where your head's at right now.Please, take a step back from this- concentrate on your own life. 3
mark clemson Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 My guess is that for some BS's focusing their anger and energies on the AP may make it easier for them to bear the prospect of reconciliation. I think, for some, thinking in terms of "my halfway decent partner got lured in by the crazy homewrecker - blame it on them" etc makes the situation easier to face than "my partner betrayed me". Also some WS's may "play the sympathy card" and I suspect that can work to some extent, esp. if the BS at core prefers reconciliation to separation. Perhaps these sorts of things are going on here, or perhaps you simply fooled around with the wrong woman's husband, it's hard to say. At this point, she does seem to be in "attack mode" to a certain extent. Hopefully that ends soon; I guess you'll see. On some sites, including this one, there are those who will urge her to tell your husband, and there are people who do that of their own accord, so as others have pointed out, it's probably best for you to be prepared for that possibility. If you feel harassed, and wish to bring in authorities, you might consider starting to play smarter, not harder, e.g. by documenting things as best you can. She and a friend have a right to drive by on the street and laugh and point at whatever they like. However, she may at some point cross a line and if you have things well documented you might be a position where legal restrictions can actually be brought into play. Laws regarding these sorts of things vary by jurisdiction, so to get actually useful specific advice you'd presumably need to contact someone knowledgeable about the local laws, such as an attorney. 4
Amethyst68 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 The wife may have been driving past to see if your husband was there, to talk to him in person. 3
DKT3 Posted August 22, 2020 Posted August 22, 2020 1 hour ago, Amethyst68 said: The wife may have been driving past to see if your husband was there, to talk to him in person. I dont think maybe, I think definitely. She called him at work and drove by his home....OP your husband will know soon, I believe you know this which is why her actions are getting to you. 2
MilaVaneela Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 3 hours ago, mark clemson said: Perhaps these sorts of things are going on here, or perhaps you simply fooled around with the wrong woman's husband, it's hard to say. At this point, she does seem to be in "attack mode" to a certain extent. Hopefully that ends soon; I guess you'll see. Mark, with all due respect, I hardly think driving down a public road twice is “attack mode” (and I say that as someone who received 150 angry, threatening and incredibly vulgar text messages plus a whole host of voicemails from X’s OW, all from different numbers. I kept blocking and she kept getting around the blocks). The OP can’t identify the sender of the Facebook messages or the messages at her BH’s work, so we can’t just immediately paint the wife as “crazy” . For all we know, the man she was having an affair with could have done it himself to make her stop obsessively contacting him. We can speculate all day on the other parties’ actions and motives, but in the end, all we have to go on is what the OP told us. She has continued to escalate at every turn, poking at this man. He’s not blameless, he engaged with her in the first place, but he reached a point where he tried to go NC with her and she continued to stir things. I understand that the wife MAY be engaging in return but I feel like feeding into her laying blame for everything (including the man’s decision to block her everywhere) onto gives her an easy out from looking at her own role in this (and she plays a significant one). Again, I’m not trying to be contrary, it just seems that jumping to that conclusion gives her encouragement to keep after this man, stirring more trouble until things end badly for her. 2
Author Maylady Posted August 23, 2020 Author Posted August 23, 2020 Like I said before...I doubt my husband will care. I'm almost certain he's cheated on me I the past. We are basically just roommates. Anyway, if what me x (I guess its x) mm told me is true, and she figured this all out on her own, she must be some surreal detective. He had to have told her something. From what I've read here, that's being thrown under the bus. I still wish he'd come back. I still believe I deserve more than what I got and am getting.
mark clemson Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 3 hours ago, MilaVaneela said: Mark, with all due respect... Fair enough, Mila. It sounds like you and I interpret the situation very differently, but that's fine. OP can take what makes the most sense to her to help her deal with, process, and move on from her situation.
DKT3 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 1 hour ago, Maylady said: Like I said before...I doubt my husband will care. I'm almost certain he's cheated on me I the past. We are basically just roommates. Anyway, if what me x (I guess its x) mm told me is true, and she figured this all out on her own, she must be some surreal detective. He had to have told her something. From what I've read here, that's being thrown under the bus. I still wish he'd come back. I still believe I deserve more than what I got and am getting. If he doesn't care, why are you so worried about her attempting to contact him or why haven't you told him. 5
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 Solve all your problems at once. Get divorced, move out and start over. But next time date single men. 2
basil67 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Maylady said: I still believe I deserve more than what I got and am getting. You deserve exactly what you are getting and count your blessings that it hasn't escalated further. And how she found out is of no consequence. Edited August 23, 2020 by basil67 6
Notagainplease Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 If you think driving past your house is threatening, then you ain't seen nothing yet. Luckily for you, I'd say. I have been in both positions myself and it got as bad as threatening someone with a hunting riffle, receiving notes with death threats under car wipers and kidnapping of my cat. Just think carefully before escalating this thing any further. You say you expected support here; try to get your head around the fact that talking some sense and restraint in you IS support. Just not the support you expected. But maybe you will start see in time (soon I hope) that you are not the victim in this story and that you may end up with more trouble than you can push back in the box if you continue to provoke this couple. The wife could be on the road to war, by the sound of things. 4
Zona Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 11 hours ago, Maylady said: Like I said before...I doubt my husband will care. I'm almost certain he's cheated on me I the past. Said virtually every cheater since the beginning of time. I guess that's why they call it the cheater's handbook. 5
Wiseman2 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 This seems copied from a reality show or romance drama. 2
pepperbird2 Posted August 23, 2020 Posted August 23, 2020 OP, if you were in his wife;s shoes, what would you do?
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