How concerned should I be about the girl I'm seeing posting 'thirst trap' pics/vids on social media?

[Atwood]

Even if her 2am/3am meetup with these guys is totally innocent, you don't seem like you're a compatible couple.

It's definitely reasonable to compromise  when you start dating so that everyone is aware of the boundaries, however, it's only a fair compromise if these things are discussed and agreed on. You can't just decide that your girlfriend should stop doing something she's always done without even discussing it with her first. There's no hard and fast relationship rules and she can't read your mind. It's completely valid that her posting these pictures and videos, regardless of her motivation, is hurting you. I know that both me and my partner would not be comfortable with it, and those boundaries work for both of us. The problem here is that those boundaries clearly aren't a natural train of thought for her. You can discuss your feelings together and she might be happy tone down the photos/videos as a show of commitment to you. However, she is not required to do that and it should be her choice, just the same as any compromises you make. You might fight it easier to date someone who shares similar values and relationship boundaries to you. 

[ExpatInItaly]

The more you write, the more I think you would be better off with a different woman, OP. 

As I said earlier, talk to her if you choose, but also consider that at 29, she apparently doesn't see the issue in posting provocative photos and videos and inviting men over to her apartment when she's canceled on her boyfriend. I genuinely thought you were you were going to tell she was closer to 20 years old, not 30. 

You two are not on the same page on a number of different levels. 

[NomiMalone]

18 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

But this week has been all f*cked up. She's been acting totally different this week and I don't know what's going on with her.

She clearly wanted you to see that snap with the 2 guys. Do you think maybe it’s her passive aggressive way of letting you know she wants to end things with you? 

Tell her you’re done and block her everywhere. Ugghhh. 

[ChangeMyName]

6 minutes ago, Atwood said:

Even if her 2am/3am meetup with these guys is totally innocent, you don't seem like you're a compatible couple.

It's definitely reasonable to compromise  when you start dating so that everyone is aware of the boundaries, however, it's only a fair compromise if these things are discussed and agreed on. You can't just decide that your girlfriend should stop doing something she's always done without even discussing it with her first. There's no hard and fast relationship rules and she can't read your mind. It's completely valid that her posting these pictures and videos, regardless of her motivation, is hurting you. I know that both me and my partner would not be comfortable with it, and those boundaries work for both of us. The problem here is that those boundaries clearly aren't a natural train of thought for her. You can discuss your feelings together and she might be happy tone down the photos/videos as a show of commitment to you. However, she is not required to do that and it should be her choice, just the same as any compromises you make. You might fight it easier to date someone who shares similar values and relationship boundaries to you. 

We're totally compatible in the sense that she could've invited me to hangout with them all last night. I thought that might be why she messaged me at 1030pm, but she just never responded. At this point I have no idea what her "deal" is--what her thoughts and feelings are and what's she's trying to do here. I mean, why would she post that knowing I'm going to see it? What the hell? Also, who the hell are these people? And did she even babysit or was it a total lie?

I agree with you all now this this relationship is going nowhere, and it's 100% because of her. She's doing things that make me think she WANTS me to break up with her.

[ChangeMyName]

5 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

She clearly wanted you to see that snap with the 2 guys. Do you think maybe it’s her passive aggressive way of letting you know she wants to end things with you? 

Tell her you’re done and block her everywhere. Ugghhh. 

I have no idea. You might be right because she knows I'm going to see it, and it doesn't look good. I really, really, REALLY wish I could just sleep a few more hours, then wake up and hopefully there'd be a message from her explaining wtf was going on last night (I'm guessing she's asleep still). If not I'm going to tell her I was planning on working out at 2 and to let me know when she's coming over. Then when she gets here have a serious discussion about all this s***.

 

Edited August 15, 2020 by ChangeMyName

[Wiseman2]

27 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

We've been dating  for three months and have seen each other a minimum of 2-3 times most weeks. 

Time to pull the plug and admit how sleazy the whole thing is.

12 weeks is enough time to come back down to earth and see what the real picture is.

Just call her right now, tell her it's over (leave a VM,if necessary) and you'll start sleeping like a baby.

Edited August 15, 2020 by Wiseman2

[ExpatInItaly]

3 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

We're totally compatible in the sense that she could've invited me to hangout with them all last night. I thought that might be why she messaged me at 1030pm, but she just never responded. At this point I have no idea what her "deal" is--what her thoughts and feelings are and what's she's trying to do here. I mean, why would she post that knowing I'm going to see it? What the hell? Also, who the hell are these people? And did she even babysit or was it a total lie?

Maybe she'd also been drinking (you mentioned one guy had a beer) and was impaired enough not to think that through. Whatever the reason, it's a good thing you saw it so that you could get a better idea of how exactly she operates. 

You two have totally different ideas about boundaries. I don't see how this relationship will ever work. It seems she was there for a good time, but not a long time. 

[ChangeMyName]

She was having period cramping when we hungout tuesday (that's what she said) and wasn't feeling well. She seemed a little different, but that was understandable considering she wasn't feeling well. But then the next day (wednesday) she cancelled/rescheduled our friday date night to saturday. Then later sent me a snap directly, and when I responded she didn't say anything. Thursday she also sent me a snap directly, and I responded, she responded, then I responded and after that she, once again, never responded. She would usually always send SOMETHING to gracefully end our conversations, but not this week. Then of course the bulls*** that's happened today.

This whole week has been f***ed up

Edited August 15, 2020 by ChangeMyName

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

This whole week has been f***ed up

Unfortunately it seems like the beer goggles finally came off and the absurdity of her hobby has finally become clear.

[ChangeMyName]

I see another snap from 6 hours ago. I'm not sure why it didn't come through with the other one. It's her recording several friends in her apartment, including this one particular girlfriend, and there's music and drinking and etc. I think these people are all friends of this girlfriend. But my thing is... If she's going to party and have a good time with some friends, why would she not invite me over? And further than that, why would she tell me babysitting is the reason she had to reschedule our date? Because it sure as hell looks like she's been partying most of the night.

[Wiseman2]

You seem surprised that she's a party girl

[ExpatInItaly]

9 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

 But my thing is... If she's going to party and have a good time with some friends, why would she not invite me over? And further than that, why would she tell me babysitting is the reason she had to reschedule our date? Because it sure as hell looks like she's been partying most of the night.

The easy but painful answer is because she didn't want her boyfriend there. 

Sorry, Change. It sounds like this has all been a huge wake-up call for you. 

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

I look at it and it's of two guys in her apartment and one is like holding/hugging her dog and the other is holding a beer.

Her story for rescheduling our date night yesterday to tonight was because she had to babysit. So this was at MOST a half-truth, and she MAYBE babysat, but hungout with people after. And on top of that she's acting weird as f*ck, said "heyy" then nothing else, and posted that bizarre snap at 2-3am.

Yeah. This is looking bad. We definitely need to have a talk about what in the f*ck is going on. And now I can't go back to f*cking sleep.

A very clear and graphic message has been sent to you and it "seems" like you are finally getting it.

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, ChangeMyName said:

.. If she's going to party and have a good time with some friends, why would she not invite me over? And further than that, why would she tell me babysitting is the reason she had to reschedule our date?

Why??

Bud I think you need to get out of denial and see this for what it is. Which is that you're ONE of her various multidates/orbiters/romantic partners. Or possibly you're simply an Ex. I suspect this was just a fling for her, presumably one of many.

She "needs" or at least enjoys ongoing validation from NEW friends/people. Hence the partying.

You've gotten emotionally attached/become the BF to the wrong girl IMO.

Time to toss this one back. Unfortunately it will hurt due to the emotional attachment you have for her. Live and learn.

Edited August 15, 2020 by mark clemson

[5x5]

Well @ChangeMyName that sux, and I still think you should let this one go.

[ChangeMyName]

Like why the f*** would she text me last night saying hey during this partying, then totally not respond at all after? And I still haven't heard anything from her.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

Like why the f*** would she text me last night saying hey during this partying, then totally not respond at all after? And I still haven't heard anything from her.

Honestly?

She probably got caught up in the guests and partying, and you weren't really on her mind. It stings, but I can't see any other reason why she wouldn't have spoken to you after that. You're not a priority in the way you'd hoped. 

[elaine567]

3 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

Like why the f*** would she text me last night saying hey during this partying, then totally not respond at all after? And I still haven't heard anything from her.

Maybe she didn't send it, maybe one of her friends got her phone for a while and they decided to make some mischief.
BUT the fact she lied about the partying and has still not got back to you I guess you need to consider it is over bar the shouting... 

[dangerous]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

Well this is f*cking unbelievable. She messaged me on snap at 1030pm last night. Just saying "heyy". I messaged her back hey. 2.5 hours later I go to bed and she still hasn't seen/responded to the message. I figured she had just gone to bed. I wake up at 630am to piss and figure I'll check my phone. Bad f*cking idea. I see that she HAS seen the message, but didn't respond, and on top of that she had posted a snap at like 2 or 3am. I look at it and it's of two guys in her apartment and one is like holding/hugging her dog and the other is holding a beer.

Her story for rescheduling our date night yesterday to tonight was because she had to babysit. So this was at MOST a half-truth, and she MAYBE babysat, but hungout with people after. And on top of that she's acting weird as f*ck, said "heyy" then nothing else, and posted that bizarre snap at 2-3am.

Yeah. This is looking bad. We definitely need to have a talk about what in the f*ck is going on. And now I can't go back to f*cking sleep.

Talking no longer worthwhile. Drop her and move on. Or be a doormat.

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

We've been dating and f*cking for three months

Your crass description of your relationship perfectly matches her crass behavior. Sounds like it's never had much depth. Your ego is hurt because you're not that "special" to her. But the way you describe "f*cking for three months" reveals she's not that special to you, either.

Shallow relationships yield shallow results. 

[poppyfields]

6 hours ago, basil67 said:

Interesting....I didn't imagine that she was anything other than a serious pole-dancing enthusiast.   

But basil, what about all the "mirror selfie 'look at my ass' thirst trap-esque pics"?

Those words were taken from OP's original post.

Talk about the  "look at me ass" pole-dancing videos came later and in addition tom

Surely you see the difference between what your daughter does and what OP's girlfriend does?

 

Edited August 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

We've been dating and f*cking for three months

You'll have to view her snaps and take care of yourself, like the rest of the bunch.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

We've been dating and f*cking for three months and have seen each other a minimum of 2-3 times most weeks. I'm obviously not a chat buddy orbiter. I'm the guy she's supposed to be dating exclusively--the guy who she's supposed to want to make her boyfriend. But this week has been all f*cked up. She's been acting totally different this week and I don't know what's going on with her.

These early stages (and 3 months is definitely early stages) are when you should be evaluating whether she's the right fit, whether she has the qualities, values and integrity you seek for a committed long term RL.

For me, when I encounter something that goes against my values such as this (i.e. the pics and now her elusiveness in not responding to messages, the men in her apt, etc ), I wish them well and WALK.

Discussing, negotiating, compromise comes later on once a committed RL and trust has already been fully established.

Dude, the smart thing to do is simply walk away. Don't bother confronting her or allowing yourself to get all wound up about it, she's not the right fit for you (clearly!) so wish her well and walk.

Maintain your dignity, and strive to have higher standards.

Frankly, and no disrespect, but you are so obviously unhappy, all this talk, you getting all emotional and wound up about it, is sounding ridiculous.  You're way too invested at this early stage of the game.

It's only been three months, just leave and look for a higher quality woman, the end..

 

 

Edited August 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[poppyfields]

20 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

These early stages (and 3 months is definitely early stages) are when you should be evaluating whether she's the right fit, whether she has the qualities, values and integrity you seek for a committed long term RL.

For me, when I encounter something that goes against my values such as this (i.e. the pics and now her elusiveness in not responding to messages, the men in her apt, etc ), I wish them well and WALK.

Discussing, negotiating, compromise comes later on once a committed RL and trust has already been fully established.

Dude, the smart thing to do is simply walk away. Don't bother confronting her or allowing yourself to get all wound up about it, she's not the right fit for you (clearly!) so wish her well and walk.

Maintain your dignity, and strive to have higher standards.

Frankly, and no disrespect, but you are so obviously unhappy, all this talk, you getting all emotional and wound up about it, is sounding ridiculous.  You're way too invested at this early stage of the game.

It's only been three months, just leave and look for a higher quality woman, the end..

 

 

To add, the text last night?  The men in her apt?  Her sudden "weird" behavior?  Including yours in being so reactive?  

I think there is more to this story than meets the eye and it's possible she may be mind f'cking you. 

Why?  Who knows, but the crass way you speak of your RL (f*cking her for three months? -- nice) might have something to do with it.  

Jmo but that is what this is sounding like, one great big total mind f'ck.  

Next time, make wiser choices.

Edited August 15, 2020 by poppyfields

[Acacia98]

38 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

I think there is more to this story than meets the eye and it's possible she may be mind f'cking you. 

Yep.