How concerned should I be about the girl I'm seeing posting 'thirst trap' pics/vids on social media?

[curlygirl40]

I think I would be less concerned about some things mentioned here, as in cheating or that guys could be pleasuring themselves watching her, etc., etc. and more concerned about dating someone who needs the constant attention and validation from strangers/friends.    That is concerning to me.   It's attention seeking.     If she's using the validation of strangers to improve her mood and she needs that to feel good about herself, that to me would be an unhealthy trait in a partner.    Food for thought.   

[curlygirl40]

7 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

You hit the nail on the head in terms of how I'm looking at it. On Facebook or Instagram it IS public, but more of a "showcase". Snapchat is ONLY people you've at some point mutually added to your friends list and is primarily used on dating apps when you want to talk to someone without giving out your phone number. The posts also disappear in 24 hours, and messages can be deleted at any point or can be set to disappear immediately. Also, messaging is much easier and more direct on snapchat. On FB or insta a message might be filtered, plus a lot of girls just never check their messages, but on snap it's pretty much guaranteed that the person will see your message and replying to snap stories is extremely easy.

Also, I KNOW she has random guys on her snap. She actually opened her snapchat the other day and, with me right there, was like "let's see what this person sent." It was a selfie video of this guy drinking a beer and she said "I don't know why this guy is always sending me beer drinking videos. it's odd." She obviously didn't know him personally. So these guys (who could be from dating apps before we went exclusive) are seeing these racy posts and are easily able to hit her up and say whatever they want to her.

And yeah... She's not an influencer or model. I don't even think she has an instagram, and she NEVER posts any of this kind of stuff on facebook.

Also to answer the question about our chemistry... No, the sex and physical attraction isn't what got me hooked. The very rare emotional/personality chemistry is what made me want to be with her.

If you found she was still on Match.com or something, wouldn't that upset you, since you're exclusive?   So if she's not posting any of this on FB or Instagram, wouldn't you look at the snapchat as a more 'dating app' in some ways?    If it's being used that way?     Maybe it's not too far off to ask her to take strangers off of her snapchat, if you're willing to do the same.    

[JRabbit]

7 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

You hit the nail on the head in terms of how I'm looking at it. On Facebook or Instagram it IS public, but more of a "showcase". Snapchat is ONLY people you've at some point mutually added to your friends list and is primarily used on dating apps when you want to talk to someone without giving out your phone number. The posts also disappear in 24 hours, and messages can be deleted at any point or can be set to disappear immediately. Also, messaging is much easier and more direct on snapchat. On FB or insta a message might be filtered, plus a lot of girls just never check their messages, but on snap it's pretty much guaranteed that the person will see your message and replying to snap stories is extremely easy.

Also, I KNOW she has random guys on her snap. She actually opened her snapchat the other day and, with me right there, was like "let's see what this person sent." It was a selfie video of this guy drinking a beer and she said "I don't know why this guy is always sending me beer drinking videos. it's odd." She obviously didn't know him personally. So these guys (who could be from dating apps before we went exclusive) are seeing these racy posts and are easily able to hit her up and say whatever they want to her.

And yeah... She's not an influencer or model. I don't even think she has an instagram, and she NEVER posts any of this kind of stuff on facebook.

Also to answer the question about our chemistry... No, the sex and physical attraction isn't what got me hooked. The very rare emotional/personality chemistry is what made me want to be with her.

This is common with guys on SC, that being said, when random guys or guys I have added previously messaged me when I had a bf, I would tell them that I have a bf and to please stop or I would just delete them.  

Do you watch her number count at all? I think if the numbers are climbing you might have a reason to be worried.

Personally I don't see any reason for a woman in a relationship to be posting ass selfies and what not on Snap Chat. 

[Ruby Slippers]

I'm not in the social media world, but the only time a guy has ever asked me to get on Snapchat was when he was obviously trolling for sexy images. I don't even do that when single, but in a relationship I'd see it as a complete betrayal.

Edited August 14, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

she said "I don't know why this guy is always sending me beer drinking videos. it's odd."

🍻Do you think it's odd? 

[poppyfields]

27 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Remember these two adages:

1. You can't turn a ho into a housewife. 

2. She's not yours. It's just your turn. 

If you want a healthy long-term relationship, choose better. I know you're blinded by infatuation but this is just common sense. A girl who is essentially a stripper is not going to remain faithful and committed to anyone while she's still strutting her stuff. Come on man. Think with your head. The one on your shoulders. 

Rest absolutely assured that this will be a temporary relationship that will end with her cheating or leaving you for another drooling admirer. So enjoy your turn while it lasts. It sounds like it's a fun ride. Live it up!  And when it's over, you let go and move on. Date a woman who can be content with the validation and affection of one loving man, not being a piece of meat for a drooling mob. 

OP did you see this?^  Harsh truth.   

[ChangeMyName]

7 minutes ago, JRabbit said:

This is common with guys on SC, that being said, when random guys or guys I have added previously messaged me when I had a bf, I would tell them that I have a bf and to please stop or I would just delete them.  

Do you watch her number count at all? I think if the numbers are climbing you might have a reason to be worried.

Personally I don't see any reason for a woman in a relationship to be posting ass selfies and what not on Snap Chat. 

It does go up, yes, but snap score goes up whenever you open a snap from someone else too, and a lot of people just send snaps to everyone on their friends list, so her snap score isn't really that telling in my opinion. Also, her and I have a red heart, which apparently means we snap each other more than anyone else. So she apparently sends me more snaps than anyone else and vice-versa. But sending messages/pics from your camera roll doesn't affect this, so it still doesn't really matter.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but posting these racy things publicly just makes me think she's trolling for attention from other men, and that makes me extremely uncomfortable.

[rjc149]

Just now, ChangeMyName said:

Maybe I'm wrong here, but posting these racy things publicly just makes me think she's trolling for attention from other men

Nope, 100% correct. 

[ChangeMyName]

7 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

OP did you see this?^  Harsh truth.   

She's been in relationships more than she's been single, and her last relationship was 2.5 years and wasn't THAT long ago, so I don't agree with her being a ho.

[poppyfields]

8 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

She's been in relationships more than she's been single, and her last relationship was 2.5 years and wasn't THAT long ago, so I don't agree with her being a ho.

What about everything else rjc said? 

Why are you asking if you're wrong for thinking she's trolling for attention?  

Isn't it obvious?  Plus, it's what most of us have been saying. 

Anyway, if you choose to stay, I wish you the best of luck because and JMO but any woman who needs that type of validation from various men, essentially strangers, while in an exclusive RL with one man (you) has got some serious issues to sort through.

 

[JC90]

30 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

What about everything else rjc said? 

Why are you asking if you're wrong for thinking she's trolling for attention?  

Isn't it obvious?  Plus, it's what most of us have been saying. 

Anyway, if you choose to stay, I wish you the best of luck because and JMO but any woman who needs that type of validation from various men, essentially strangers, while in an exclusive RL with one man (you) has got some serious issues to sort through.

 

I'll be honest, thinking about this is making me lose sleep and feel like crap. I was having chest pains thinking about this situation and how the conversation will go in bed last night. And it's pushing me to think about the other women who I stopped talking to because I wanted to be with her... I had a FWB, then another girl who I hungout with once who wanted to hookup, and also went on a really good date with another, then had a couple other women interested in meeting up for drinks. But I liked this girl and treasured our emotional chemistry so much that I decided I wanted her and only her and we decided to be exclusive. I haven't talked to her about it, but I'm not sure what happened in her last relationship that led to them breaking up. I vaguely remember talking to her about it before we dated and she said her ex cheated on her in some way. I can't imagine she would cheat on someone after being cheated on, and I also don't want to resort to being a scumbag and cheating on her.

Edited August 14, 2020 by JC90

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, JC90 said:

I'll be honest, thinking about this is making me lose sleep and feel like crap. I was having chest pains thinking about this situation..

🤯Has ChangeMyName's dilemma had a bad impact on you?

Edited August 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[JC90]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

🤯Has ChangeMyName's dilemma had a bad impact on you?

I forgot I was logged in to this account on this computer. Same person. Sorry for the confusion

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, JC90 said:

I forgot I was logged in to this account on this computer. Same person. Sorry for the confusion

👠👙In any case, getting chest pains and insomnia over racy SC pics is not worth it.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, JC90 said:

I had a FWB, then another girl who I hungout with once who wanted to hookup

Sounds like you're in a more casual mindset, just as she is. Like attracts like.

[Noproblem]

she was like that before you met her, why are you trying to change that now.

I understand your frustration, but she didn't lie to you or presented herself in a different way, she was like this from day 1.

You chose that, now you are unhappy with it, so you can always leave her!

[Noproblem]

12 hours ago, basil67 said:

He could give her insight....and she'll walk away telling a story about the guy who wanted to change her.

he is trying to change her; that's her life and her choices, she never lied to him or told him oh I am not gonna post anything once we are official.

It's all from his side.

He is getting jealous now which I understand, but the only choice out there is him ending the relationship, he is losing sleep over this, and he might snap or do something stupid, so end it before it get crazy!

 

She'll change when she wants to change.. Any change that is imposed by bf/gf, is temporarily and will create long term resentment!

Edited August 14, 2020 by Noproblem

[basil67]

25 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

he is trying to change her; that's her life and her choices....

Just to be clear, we are on the same page.   When I said that he could try and give her insight, I knew that it would only give her insight into the fact that he expected her to change and she would walk away and tell her friends that she dodged a bullet.

[ChangeMyName]

51 minutes ago, Noproblem said:

he is trying to change her; that's her life and her choices, she never lied to him or told him oh I am not gonna post anything once we are official.

It's all from his side.

He is getting jealous now which I understand, but the only choice out there is him ending the relationship, he is losing sleep over this, and he might snap or do something stupid, so end it before it get crazy!

 

She'll change when she wants to change.. Any change that is imposed by bf/gf, is temporarily and will create long term resentment!

When you have a problem in a relationship, just leave. Don't even bother talking about it like mature adults. Great idea

[basil67]

When you know who someone is and what they do, asking them to change after getting into a relationship with them is generally considered to be poor form.   

[OnlyHonesty]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

Also to answer the question about our chemistry... No, the sex and physical attraction isn't what got me hooked. The very rare emotional/personality chemistry is what made me want to be with her.

That's not enough. When you assess a woman's quality, you look at all areas. The attention seeking is a redflag that covers several different psychological areas, not to mention a strong suggestion that an exclusive relationship is an unwise idea.

I have very good chemistry with a girl I know. And the only guys that keep on asking me why I don't do anything about it, are the ones that do not look at quality from all possible angles. I know this girl is an attention seeker, I know she posts angled shots on instagram, and I know none of that would change if we were anything more....and this is why we aren't anything more, and never will be.

I believe that was your mistake.

[ChangeMyName]

33 minutes ago, basil67 said:

When you know who someone is and what they do, asking them to change after getting into a relationship with them is generally considered to be poor form.   

I'm not asking her to change. I'm trying to make a compromise because we're now committed, which is what relationships are all about. 

All posting these pics/vids publicly serves to do is attract attention from other guys, and I don't think it's unreasonable to have a conversation about it, tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and get an explanation of why she feels the need to do it.

[5x5]

26 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

I'm not asking her to change.

Then in that case (presuming you're telling the truth) you will keep your mouth shut, about her posting whatever pictures she likes for others to see.

[Art.at.Heart]

44 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

I'm not asking her to change. I'm trying to make a compromise because we're now committed, which is what relationships are all about. 

All posting these pics/vids publicly serves to do is attract attention from other guys, and I don't think it's unreasonable to have a conversation about it, tell her it makes me uncomfortable, and get an explanation of why she feels the need to do it.

I agree that you should have a conversation about it since it's clearly bothering you quite a bit. However, if the bold part is - in fact - why she's taking those pics, this won't be the last time you have that conversation with her.

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like part of what attracted you to her in the first place (flaunting her hot little bod) is now what's driving you away.

As a partner you have a "right" to set (or attempt to set) whatever boundaries you feel are appropriate. Of course, the other partner is under no obligation to follow them. IF it can't be resolved, then one or the other tends to eventually leave.

I think perhaps you have "caught feelings" for the wrong girl (or at least at the wrong time in her life). She like the attention, of course, and may even be hoping to make some money out of it one day. It (quite understandably) makes you feel threatened/insecure in the relationship. You can ask her to stop, but that's not likely to work, much more likely to backfire IMO.

I could be wrong, but honestly I think you're likely to get hurt sooner or later, as there's no doubt guys happy to chase her (after all, she encourages it to some extent) and looking for "an opening". If she's pissed off and feels "done" one day it will also be quite easy for her to be tempted to go find a quick rebound from among her SM admirers/orbiters.

Speaking for myself, this is the kind of girl you have a fling with but try not to get attached to, despite how good the tush feels. But you'll have to do as you see fit.