How concerned should I be about the girl I'm seeing posting 'thirst trap' pics/vids on social media?

[ChangeMyName]

Specifically snapchat. She's randomly posted mirror selfie "look at my ass" thirst trap-esque pics ever since I've known her, which was fine early on, but now we're exclusive and she's still doing it just as much or more than ever. And this week she's really going for it... Last night she posted an ass selfie in short shorts, and tonight she posted a video of herself swinging around on her pole dancing pole with the song "crazy bitch" playing in the background and wearing short shorts that she had rolled up further so her ass cheeks were hanging out (they were rolled up enough so that about half her ass was out).

I don't care if she takes pics/vids like this, but it worries me that she's sharing them publicly--especially on snapchat. First of all, it makes me think she might be insecure and requires attention from random people, including random people of the opposite sex, for validation. And more importantly, I'm sure she has other guys on her friends list who see these vids. And being a guy I know how guys think and what they'll try to do when they see this stuff. If I were a single guy on the prowl and saw a girl on my snap posting stuff like this I would (to be very blunt) shoot my shot and try to hookup with her. What bothers me the most is that she's deliberately showing her "goodies" publicly on snapchat and is putting herself out there to be hit on by other guys when we're supposed to be dating exclusively. I really, REALLY like this girl and want to make this work, but I don't know what to make of this...

Any thoughts?

Edited August 14, 2020 by LoveShak

[Maldives]

Not a good sign I think disrespectful to you.

Yep attention seeking 

[ChangeMyName]

6 minutes ago, Goodguy05 said:

Not a good sign I think disrespectful to you.

Yep attention seeking 

Yeah... I do want to add that I don't think she's cheating on me. Or at least I don't see any obvious signs of that. It's just for some reason she feels the need to post these risque things on snapchat and I don't know why. I workout hard and care greatly about my body and the way I look, but I don't feel the need to post risque things--especially when dating someone. I feel satisfied being validated by that person and don't feel the need to be validated by random people.

Should I bring it up? Should I ask? If so, how can I do it without seeming insecure and jealous?

[Maldives]

Ye you should she may not respond well to it and depending how u deliver to her how u feel about it but I think it's important you tell her how it makes you feel then if she continues to do it well then it's your call I wouldn't tolerate it personally 

[smackie9]

She is who she is. How about dating someone who has some class.

[Uptown182]

Sounds like she’s doing it for attention.  This is who she is, I don’t think that will change even if you tell her how you feel.  I think you need to decide if your ok with it and if not perhaps you need to move on.  

[basil67]

I would suggest that it's disrespectful to start dating a woman who enjoys putting out photos and then ask her to change who she is.   I can't see that she duped you into anything.

[ChangeMyName]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I would suggest that it's disrespectful to start dating a woman who enjoys putting out photos and then ask her to change who she is.   I can't see that she duped you into anything.

If it were in a pole dancing social group or on instagram it would be different, but snapchat is like the tinder of social media. It's so easy to DM someone and get their attention, and asking someone to hookup or sending something sexual is low risk because everything can be deleted or set to delete immediately.

But that's not the point... My point is why does she need to post these things when we're seeing each other? The only thing it does is attract other men. This makes me feel like I'm not enough for her--like my attention and dating me doesn't satisfy her.

Edited August 14, 2020 by LoveShak

[Ruby Slippers]

I'd never date someone like this. It's sad for her and disrespectful of her supposed commitment to you. Find a nice girl who saves her most intimate side for just you. 

A lovely Cherokee proverb: 

A woman's lowest calling is to seduce and separate man from his soul, and leave him aimlessly wandering. A woman's highest calling is to lead man to his soul and unite him with Source.

[basil67]

Sounds like the Cherokee were a patriarchal society

[Wiseman2]

How long have you been dating? Where did you meet? 

Ask yourself what attracted you to her? The same content she desperately advertizes on social media?

This seems like a what you see is what you get situation.

 

[Erik30]

You already knew she was like this and it's probably what attracted you to her.  

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

Specifically snapchat. She's randomly posted mirror selfie "look at my ass" thirst trap-esque pics ever since I've known her, which was fine early on, but now we're exclusive and she's still doing it just as much or more than ever

That's the price for dating a booty model, the pics were never going to be just for you. 

[5x5]

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

She's randomly posted mirror selfie "look at my ass" thirst trap-esque pics ever since I've known her, which was fine early on, but now we're exclusive and she's still doing it just as much or more than ever.

So she is continuing to be herself, just as she was when you met her.

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

I don't care if she takes pics/vids like this, but it worries me that she's sharing them publicly--especially on snapchat.

Well that's quite the contradiction, if you didn't care then you wouldn't be worried about it.

It would probably help you, to be more honest with yourself about how you really feel.

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

I really, REALLY like this girl and want to make this work, but I don't know what to make of this...

Are you sure you really, REALLY like her?

Since if you really, REALLY liked her.  You would like her for who she actually is, not for who you want her to be.

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

Should I bring it up? Should I ask? If so, how can I do it without seeming insecure and jealous?

Well you can't do that without seeming insecure or jealous, since you seem to be exactly that.

2 hours ago, LoveShak said:

Any thoughts?

Yep, good luck.

Edited August 14, 2020 by 5x5

[ChangeMyName]

19 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

So she is continuing to be herself, just as she was when you met her.

Well that's quite the contradiction, if you didn't care then you wouldn't be worried about it.

It would probably help you, to be more honest with yourself about how you really feel.

Are you sure you really, REALLY like her?

Since if you really, REALLY liked her.  You would like her for who she actually is, not for who you want her to be.

Well you can't do that without seeming insecure or jealous, since you seem to be exactly that.

Yep, good luck.

Ouch. You seem very bitter =\ I'll never understand why some people on forums think being outright combative and insulting is a good idea or helpful.

Well it seems like I'm not the only one who thinks posting risque pics publicly is inappropriate. I'll have to bring it up, and if she chooses posting thirst traps over the guy she's been dating for several months and is exclusive with I'll take it as a bad sign. But I'm more curious why she does it--especially when dating someone.

[Wiseman2]

Attention. It's that simple. She probably tallies her likes and views as a way to confirm to herself that she's hot.

What she doesn't realize is that it's mostly horney guys looking for someone to jack off to.

No one actually "likes" her, they just like the softporn.

In a way it's kind of pathetic.

Edited August 14, 2020 by Wiseman2

[5x5]

31 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

Ouch. You seem very bitter =\ I'll never understand why some people on forums think being outright combative and insulting is a good idea or helpful.

Well it seems like I'm not the only one who thinks posting risque pics publicly is inappropriate. I'll have to bring it up, and if she chooses posting thirst traps over the guy she's been dating for several months and is exclusive with I'll take it as a bad sign. But I'm more curious why she does it--especially when dating someone.

Not bitter at all, just affording you the respect of being matter of fact with you and not sugar coating things to no end.

She is who she is, which ought to be self evident to you by now.

You contradict yourself in saying that you don't care, yet apparently you do.

So given that, for your own good, you would do well to figure out what you feel and be honest with yourself. Since you keep expressing your displeasure at it while asserting you don't care. Of which that kind of cognitive dissonance, certainly won't help you.

You can tilt at windmills to no end all you like. Yet make no mistake railing against who she is, doesn't make being with her a very sensible decision.

At the end of the day you can't control her, you don't own her, she isn't your property and she can do as she pleases. So that leaves you with two choices, either accept her as she is, or walk away if she isn't your cup of tea.

As to why, what difference does it make? She is who she is.

Edited August 14, 2020 by 5x5

[ChangeMyName]

9 minutes ago, 5x5 said:

Not bitter at all, just affording you the respect of being matter of fact with you and not sugar coating things to no end.

She is who she is, which ought to be self evident to you by now.

You contradict yourself in saying that you don't care, yet apparently you do.

So given that, for your own good, you would do well to figure out what you feel and be honest with yourself. Since you keep expressing your displeasure at it while asserting you don't care. Of which that kind of cognitive dissonance, certainly won't help you.

You can tilt at windmills to no end all you like. Yet make no mistake railing against who she is, doesn't make being with her a very sensible decision.

At the end of the day you can't control her, you don't own her, she isn't your property and she can do as she pleases. So that leaves you with two choices, either accept her as she is, or walk away if she isn't your cup of tea.

As to why, what difference does it make? She is who she is.

I never said I don't care. I obviously do because I went exclusive with her.

It would actually be her walking away from me, because I'm going to tell her it's off-putting to me and ask her why she feels the need to do it. Maybe and hopefully we can come to an understanding, but maybe not. If she chooses posting these pics/vids over me it would be very telling and would show that she doesn't care about our relationship at all. I mean really... What kind of sociopath would say "I've been seeing this person for several months, really like them and am even exclusive with them, but... There's no way I can give up posting thirst trap pics on Snapchat. I'll have to dump them."

[ChangeMyName]

4 minutes ago, enigma32 said:

I will say this much. I can understand why a single girl would post more...risque pictures online. She is single, after all, and may possibly be trying to gain the attention of a guy so she can change her relationship status. I get it, even if I don't agree with those methods. I don't think that expecting your woman to stop engaging in single girl behaviors is asking too much once a relationship is established. One problem though, is that I think many ladies become addicted to this sort of thing. I see them going down this path, posting more and more risque content online in the hopes of gaining more followers and likes. I don't think that anyone that is addicted to the validation from strangers is relationship material though. 

Yes exactly. Before we went exclusive and were just casually dating it was fair game. But some behaviors SHOULD change once committing to someone. You shouldn't be deliberately and knowingly putting yourself in situations that will lead to people hitting on you when you're committed to someone.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

But I'm more curious why she does it--especially when dating someone.

You already know the answer: she loves getting attention from men. You can be sure she's not posting this for female friends to "Go, girl!" her. The attention she gets from you isn't enough for her if she's continued to do this. Her inbox is likely blowing up with messages from guys every time she does this, and apparently she enjoys that. She's getting some sort of internal reward for this so it keeps happening. It's not a good sign. 

You can bring it up, but I would encourage to re-evaluate whether you want a relationship with someone who needs to be told it's sketchy to post ass pics and pole-dancing videos on the internet by her own boyfriend. It's the symptom of a bigger problem with insecurity and immaturity, as well as generally poor judgment and flimsy boundaries. You're probably better off to walk away and date someone who is more mature, less desperate for attention and doesn't do this sort of thing to begin with. 

Edited August 14, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[5x5]

17 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

I never said I don't care. I obviously do because I went exclusive with her.

Of course, except for when you wrote exactly that.

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

I don't care if she takes pics/vids like this

 

9 minutes ago, ChangeMyName said:

Yes exactly. Before we went exclusive and were just casually dating it was fair game. But some behaviors SHOULD change once committing to someone. You shouldn't be deliberately and knowingly putting yourself in situations that will lead to people hitting on you when you're committed to someone.

Well it was fair game, yet now you have decided differently without having such discussions with her before the fact. Holding a covert contract without her being party to it, is hardly a path to a healthy relationship.

Again what you think should and shouldn't be, are opinions that evidently are not shared by her. So given that you don't own her or control her. It really is up to her what she decides to do. Whether you accept that or not is up to you, in exactly the same way, that she doesn't own or control you either.

Seriously if you don't like that she doesn't share your opinions and perspective, then do yourself a favour and dump her.

If not, then perhaps you should try to get over yourself and honestly embrace whatever you choose to put up with.

[5x5]

2 hours ago, enigma32 said:

Personally, this would be a dealbreaker for me, but then I never would have dated a girl like this to begin with. 

Which is a very good point, if you @ChangeMyName don't find such behaviour appropriate in a sexual relationship with someone. Then the smart thing to do, is to avoid choosing sexual relationship partners who behave that way to begin with.

[Acacia98]

4 hours ago, basil67 said:

I would suggest that it's disrespectful to start dating a woman who enjoys putting out photos and then ask her to change who she is.   I can't see that she duped you into anything.

I agree with you. I don't think she duped him into anything. I don't think he's saying she did, though. I think he's coming to the realization that they may be incompatible and is trying to figure out what he should do. I agree that he should not try to change her or lay down ultimatums. But, at the same time, if it's a dealbreaker for him and there's genuine affection between them, it would be unkind for him to just end the relationship without giving her any insight into why he's ending things. So he does have to find a way to talk to her about it.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, ChangeMyName said:

But that's not the point... My point is why does she need to post these things when we're seeing each other? The only thing it does is attract other men. This makes me feel like I'm not enough for her--like my attention and dating me doesn't satisfy her.

Feeling like you're not enough for her is your own insecurity talking.

I have a daughter who is an amateur pole dancer and she shares pics and vids with people.  It may surprise you to know that the responses she gets are mostly from other women.   Her female friends love to see her achievements and that other pole dancers support each other.   She also has other women who want to attend with her because they are inspired.

For you to suggest that attracting men could be ONLY reason makes you sound a little narrow minded. Women can do stuff because they enjoy it -  it's not always about men.

Edited August 14, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

7 minutes ago, Acacia98 said:

I agree with you. I don't think she duped him into anything. I don't think he's saying she did, though. I think he's coming to the realization that they may be incompatible and is trying to figure out what he should do. I agree that he should not try to change her or lay down ultimatums. But, at the same time, if it's a dealbreaker for him and there's genuine affection between them, it would be unkind for him to just end the relationship without giving her any insight into why he's ending things. So he does have to find a way to talk to her about it.

He could give her insight....and she'll walk away telling a story about the guy who wanted to change her.

[Acacia98]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

He could give her insight....and she'll walk away telling a story about the guy who wanted to change her.

It happens. And there's nothing that anyone can do about it.