Am I not understanding how FWB works? Seems a little messy....

[zawadi16]

Okay, so I had just gotten out of a serious relationship about 4 months ago when I ran into my ex (dated for 6 months) from 4 years ago. He moved to other side of the country, has been pretty much a nomad living in his car, traveling. He came back because of the virus. When we reconnected it was like we hadn’t skipped a beat. Everything just flowed with us and we were clearly still very attracted to each other. Each time we hang out we’re together for about 7+ hours. I told him from the very beginning I wasn’t looking for a f*ck buddy (I’ve never really done fwb before - just seemed like it never ended well) after things got and heavy with each other. He says, “you think I just decided to hang out with you just to have sex with you?”. It was nice to have a fun distraction from my breakup, but I wasn’t/am not ready for anything emotional with anyone. 

Fast forward a few hang outs later, we’re pretty drunk and he says, “you know you really like me”, I laugh and say, “nope, just bored during the quarantine” (we joke with each other a lot). We end up having sex. Okay, so now that we’ve had sex I’m more open to the idea of having casual sex. He wants to go to the beach, we meet up with his sister, have a good day, or so I thought. He seemed off and didn’t try to get handsy like he usually does and definitely didn’t try to have sex. He gets into a weird mood and we kind of have an argument for a lack of better words. He calls the next day and apologized. Fine, cool, let’s move on to having sex. 

Fast forward about a month later, we play mini golf, loser has to give a massage. I give him a massage and then we go get dinner. We start debating about politics and then he starts getting angry. I tell him let’s just agree to disagree and let it go. He keeps getting riled up. He texts me later that night to say thanks for going out with him. I reply with just “no problem”. He just completely turned me off. We should be having sex, not getting worked up over a debate ya know? The next day he FaceTimes me to apologize. We don’t speak for about 2 weeks (we used to talk just about every day before this). I kind of stopped initiating contact after this since I was just put off by him altogether at this point. He would text me each time about a show. I’d respond for a bit then eventually not respond (how much can keep talking about a show every handful of days??). 

Eventually he asks to go to the beach. This coincides with my birthday. I tell him we’re going to get rained out so we make alternate plans for the next day via text. Later that day he calls me on FaceTime. I didn’t really feel like FaceTiming bc I took the day off and work kept bothering so I don’t pick up and put my phone away for the rest of the day. I call him back the next afternoon and the first thing he says is, “I called you yesterday”. I told him work kept bothering me so I put my phone away for the rest of the day, to which he replied, “I thought you said you took the day off?”. Why the grilling?? sheesh.

We got to a Chinese restaurant for dinner then go sit by the river. We start making out and I stop him and say, “look sometimes I think we’re just friends other times I’m not sure”. He says, “we’re not friends”. Uhhh okay? I said I’m not sure if us having sex is a good idea and he keeps asking why I’m resisting. I said I’ve been purposely trying to keep you at arms length and he said he noticed that when we first reconnected. I told him well bc there’s no point in letting my mind go beyond this. He said he doesn’t know where he’ll be in the next few months because he’ll be traveling all over (he invited me to go travel with him for a weeks btw) and that, “I’m not stable right now and I wouldn’t want to drag you through that”. He then said I could travel with him if I wanted to.

I ask him point blank if he wants to be fwb because things got a little weird IMO so I wanted to make sure there were no gray areas.  He says yes, “he enjoys being around me, we like the same things, and we have great sex”. So now I’m contemplating if I want to go down this fwb route again with him. 

I know I don’t have experience, but am I nuts or does this arrangement seem a little off? Is this how it’s supposed to work? Am I not doing fwb correctly?

 

Edited August 13, 2020 by zawadi16

[Leojax]

I’ve never invited my FWB to travel with me or get bothered by/call out that they didn’t call me back...

 

Me thinks he’s settling for FWB. 

[Wiseman2]

It's supposed to be fun not messy, that's the whole point. Is he still homeless?

[Calmandfocused]

Op I’m getting deja vu. Have you posted this story before? 

[ExpatInItaly]

29 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op I’m getting deja vu. Have you posted this story before? 

I was about to say the same thing. 

OP, to answer your initial question - yes, this is getting a bit messy for FWB. It sounds like he's enjoying the moment but knows he's going to be leaving again and isn't really looking to take things further. 

Edited August 13, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[Ruby Slippers]

I feel like I've read this story before as well.

I think a lot of men are totally cool with something casual when they're not that into the woman and just want to use her body for sex. However, they're not so cool when she's not that into him and using his body for sex. It's fine for his ego when he's in control, but it upsets his ego to be in the weaker/less desired/more disposable position.

If you really want something casual, find someone new you don't have a history with. But most people can't really handle this, as the one who's more into the other person tends to wind up feeling used and hurt. Self-love is a simple and emotionally safe alternative.

[kendahke]

Since he's leaving town again, stick to casual sex when he's available and in town.

[Leojax]

24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I was about to say the same thing. 

OP, to answer your initial question - yes, this is getting a bit messy for FWB. It sounds like he's enjoying the moment but knows he's going to be leaving again and isn't really looking to take things further. 

It doesn’t sound like this guy is enjoying this at all.
 

Getting worked up to the point of arguing with a fwb? Getting upset that she didn’t call him back? Having a fwb go on a trip with his family? Trying to fish to get a gauge for OP’s feelings with, “you know you really like me”. Inviting a fwb to travel with you?? That’s too much. 

It sounds like a guy who likes OP more than fwb, especially since they used to date, who knows OP doesn’t like him in that way. He’s settling for fwb because 1 and most importantly )she doesn’t like him and 2)he’s nomadic. This doesn’t like he’s having that good of a time.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Leojax

[smackie9]

You are hanging out too much and interacting too much. FWB needs boundaries discussed first. Like how much is too much, in the event someone catches feelings what do you expect to handle it, how much time spent together, limiting activities that are too romantic, etc. When you do that then there are no fuzzy boarders.

IMO stop being so coupley. Stop with the romantic beach settling, making out, hand holding, etc. Treat it more like friends, like just hang out when you are bored, have light hearted convos Nothing deep or talking about person problems, maybe have sex, then GO to your home. No over nighters, no daily texting and all that crap. Meet up once a week instead.

[curlygirl40]

FWBs are messy because someone usually ends up catching feelings and that makes it messy.

The difference here is that you have a history together and, I'm guessing, unresolved feelings from that history.  So it was messy before the FWB 'arrangement' even started.

To think that you can just sweep that under the rug and enjoy each other's company and sleep together when you feel like it, that is your issue right now.      You are dancing around your feelings for each other, your unresolved feelings about your breakup, not knowing what you want or what he wants, etc.    

I expect a lot of back and forth here, since I don't think you're being honest with each other or honest with yourselves about what you want

Edited August 13, 2020 by curlygirl40
grammar

[FMW]

He wasn't a FWB, he was a guy that wanted more than you wanted to give. Maybe just because of ego, but nonetheless, he wanted more.  As has been noted, it sounds like you were playing at being a real couple.  That can be confusing and just asking for someone to feel hurt.  

I've posted this several times here, because apparently my experience was unique.  I've had one FWB, with a friend I'd known for about 3 years prior.  The FWB lasted a year until I met someone I wanted to actually try having a relationship with, the guy I'm currently seeing.

That was about 8 1/2 months ago, and my former FWB is still a good friend, we're in contact every week, and he seeks me out when he needs advice because he trusts me.  But he's happy about my current relationship because he really is a friend and wants me to be happy.  And that is possible because neither of us wanted more from the other than what we had.  We discussed that ahead of time and were very clear about it.

At least from what I read here on LS, what most people call FWB is just two people hooking up occasionally without ANY feeling for each other beyond sexual desire.  Or, as probably in this case, one person is looking for more and just pretending to be casual while they hope for things to change.    

[SincereOnlineGuy]

6 hours ago, zawadi16 said:

Am I not understanding how FWB works? Seems a little messy....

 

Condoms should help

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

How FWB ideally works

 

1 you are friends first

2 you try a relationship and discover there are core differences in goals for marriage or living together you don’t mesch

3. But sex you each rnjoied

4 FWB starts

to expand on step 2.  These can be things like differences in wanting kids or how they are raised, difference in religion, want different long term goals like living in country vs city or one wants a very successful career focused all on work and the other wants more out of life.  There also coukd be big differences in living together like dire, one being a veg/vegan the other wants no oart, one wants a zoo and other wants no pets, living styles are very different in neat vs messy or early bird vs midnight owl.

 

 

 

 

 

[Ami1uwant]

28 minutes ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Condoms should help

 

 

Unless she likes to swallow

[zawadi16]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I feel like I've read this story before as well.

I think a lot of men are totally cool with something casual when they're not that into the woman and just want to use her body for sex. However, they're not so cool when she's not that into him and using his body for sex. It's fine for his ego when he's in control, but it upsets his ego to be in the weaker/less desired/more disposable position.

If you really want something casual, find someone new you don't have a history with. But most people can't really handle this, as the one who's more into the other person tends to wind up feeling used and hurt. Self-love is a simple and emotionally safe alternative.

Thanks. 
Isn’t this already casual though? We said FWB. 

[Ruby Slippers]

He may have verbally agreed to something casual, but he obviously either has feelings for you or it's hurting his ego to be treated in a casual way or both. He's not going to be able to have something casual with you, so if that's what you want, find it elsewhere.

[zawadi16]

13 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

He may have verbally agreed to something casual, but he obviously either has feelings for you or it's hurting his ego to be treated in a casual way or both. He's not going to be able to have something casual with you, so if that's what you want, find it elsewhere.

Hmmm. Well when I asked him directly what he wanted, after I told him again i didn’t want a f*ck buddy/fwb (was unsure since things had gotten weird between us) and replied with wanting to be FWB that he equally wanted to casual. Why answer with FWB then? 

[Ruby Slippers]

He doesn't want to commit because he's in nomad mode, but it hurts his ego that you're so cool with just having sex.

You can keep messing with this guy's feelings/ego, but it's going to continue to be "messy," which isn't appealing. He obviously cannot handle casual with you, either because of feelings or ego, no matter what he says.

[RBLL]

It's messy for me too. A lady on pof said hi 5 years ago and we hit it off. I'd never had a girl take it sexual 3 hours after meeting me, but I went along with it. After a year she would say she loves me, I'm the one she's been waiting for, and brings me love cards. We get together for family stuff.  After 4 years I took the chance and asked her to make it a long term serious thing. I fell in love. She said back off, she's too grown up for romance. She said she changed her mind, but doesn't want anyone else. Just a boyfriend forever. She said she's had a long fulfilling love life and good lovers, and it's too bad I didn't. We still text all day and get together on weekends. For a year she's been pushing me to date others and just be FWB with her, but I have to kill my love for her first. I don't know how to approach women and get lucky anyway. I wanted so much more with her, but she doesn't. She still says she loves me and I'm the one, then asks if I'm meeting ladies online. I say no. She names other dating sites to try. It has me tangled up in knots.
 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, zawadi16 said:

Hmmm. Well when I asked him directly what he wanted, after I told him again i didn’t want a f*ck buddy/fwb (was unsure since things had gotten weird between us) and replied with wanting to be FWB that he equally wanted to casual. Why answer with FWB then? 

What really matters is what you do and how you feel.

Label semantics and lecturing about what you want/don't want are kind of meaningless if your actions and feelings are not with it.

At this point it seems like a lot of mental and emotional gymnastics to try to figure out basically something that is simply nebulous by choice.

[smackie9]

If it gets too messed up, then you pull the plug on the whole deal.