Was This Unnecessarily Nasty?

[Uptown182]

3 hours ago, AIJ said:

It's really not about convenience. It's about giving you every reason to move on without bothering him further, he didn't want you to linger whilst he pursued something with another woman hence why he blocked you immediately. You would have found out about the other woman at some point anyway so why would you want to have spent weeks/months torturing yourself hoping there might be some chance of reconciliation only to find out he has been pursuing another woman the entire time? 

Agreed.  If he would’ve given you some bogus reason for the breakup you would’ve seen right through it and would’ve been wondering why he broke up with.  The way he did it was really the best way get closure for you.  Now this is not to say this guy isn’t a jerk for cheating on you, of course he is!  But it’s easier to get over a jerk than it is to get over someone you thought was wonderful.  Looks like you were with this guy for about 2 years, I think he did owe you more than a 3 minute phone call to tell you he met someone else.  
 

As for dumping your stuff by the front door, I think he just did what he thought was best.  I also do think he was trying to avoid because he is ashamed of what he’s done.  

[d0nnivain]

4 hours ago, Not So Sad Now said:

 Because being specifically told you have been cheated on and dumped is really cruel.  Being dumped is enough on its own.

I am wondering if he is actually enjoying being so foul in a perverted sort of way.  He literally couldn't have done things in a worse way.  I asked him not to dump my stuff in front of my door because it would upset me, and he immediately went and did it.  But of course, it can also be interpreted as being "really straight and honest".

The way he informed you that the relationship was over was pretty harsh & horrible.   Then he rubbed salt in your wounds by returning your stuff exactly the way you asked him not to.   You didn't ask for this & it's certainly not your fault that he seems to enjoy pushing your buttons.  

All of that makes him a bad guy.  It should make you angry.  Let that anger fuel your recovery.  

You got your stuff back.  Donate the bedding to a homeless shelter or an animal rescue.  they could use it & won't care where it's been.  

Then do what you have to do to put this in your rear view mirror.  

[Not So Sad Now]

9 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

Agreed.  If he would’ve given you some bogus reason for the breakup you would’ve seen right through it and would’ve been wondering why he broke up with.  The way he did it was really the best way get closure for you.  Now this is not to say this guy isn’t a jerk for cheating on you, of course he is!  But it’s easier to get over a jerk than it is to get over someone you thought was wonderful.  Looks like you were with this guy for about 2 years, I think he did owe you more than a 3 minute phone call to tell you he met someone else.  
 

As for dumping your stuff by the front door, I think he just did what he thought was best.  I also do think he was trying to avoid because he is ashamed of what he’s done.  

We were together for 2 years.  Prior to that, we were together for about 6 months, and he ended it by saying he didn't want to be in a relationship, he didn't know why but he could never see himself getting married or having children.  He didn't know what was wrong with him.  He just felt differently from other people.  Prior to that, we flirted extensively for years and mutual friends couldn't understand why we didn't date, but it turned out that for at least some of that time he had a secret girlfriend in a different city.

He actually said quite a lot in the 3 minute phone call.  I was getting the line of "I'm a bad boyfriend", "I just think I'm bad at relationships", and also that he got bored during lockdown and didn't want to be on his own, etc..

I thought he was the ideal boyfriend.  He seemed to really adore me, we never argued, I didn't realise he was the type to go from one woman to another.  Quite the opposite in fact.

I specifically asked him not to dump my stuff in front of my door, because I was feeling a bit depressed and that would make me feel worse, and that there was no hurry to return it but I just didn't want someone else using it.  He replied saying he wouldn't do that and he would come round in person to return it.  And then a few hours later, he dumped my stuff in front of my door.

[lana-banana]

One thing we hear a lot is "I wish s/he would just be honest with me", "I wish s/he would have just told me why they left", "I wish s/he was direct and straightforward and didn't leave me hanging", but stories like this are reminders that pretty much everything will cause a lot of pain no matter what. Cheating is terrible, but I sincerely don't believe he had any desire to hurt you more than he did already. He was doing what he thought was the best and most unambiguous way to do it. Painful, yes, but I don't think it was unnecessarily nasty. You have everything you need to confidently shut him out of your life and move on, so I encourage you to spend some time healing and getting ready to move forward.

[Wiseman2]

It seems like he was trying to inch away from the relationship without too much drama using the "it's me, not you" and "confused" reasons. It also seems he didn't want drama or sustained drama, power struggles and simply gave your stuff back. 

 

Try to stop the power struggle about him not following your exact orders/demands. Actually it was a courtesy to bother dropping them off rather than tell you to pick them up on his front porch.

[Not So Sad Now]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems like he was trying to inch away from the relationship without too much drama using the "it's me, not you" and "confused" reasons. It also seems he didn't want drama or sustained drama, power struggles and simply gave your stuff back. 

 

Try to stop the power struggle about him not following your exact orders/demands. Actually it was a courtesy to bother dropping them off rather than tell you to pick them up on his front porch.

Yes, next time I'm cheated on and dumped, I must remember to be very grateful for having my things left at my front door.

There is no "power struggle" or "drama" by the way, I simply miss him and wanted to see him again.  I didn't "order" him to do anything, I simply mentioned that I would like my stuff back at some point.  And yes, I do realise that makes me a terrible person and I should immediately switch off my emotions and move onto the next one without a backward glance, never shedding a tear.

Actually, no, I'd hate to be that sort of person.  

I'm actually finding this post really unhelpful as I'm being accused of all sorts when I'm trying to get over a nasty break up.  Please can you try and be a little less accusative and not making up things?  There are other posts on here where posters are constantly trying to get their exes back (which I have not done) and they are getting all sorts of support.

Is there any way of having this post deleted?

[Uptown182]

32 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Yes, next time I'm cheated on and dumped, I must remember to be very grateful for having my things left at my front door.

There is no "power struggle" or "drama" by the way, I simply miss him and wanted to see him again.  I didn't "order" him to do anything, I simply mentioned that I would like my stuff back at some point.  And yes, I do realise that makes me a terrible person and I should immediately switch off my emotions and move onto the next one without a backward glance, never shedding a tear.

Actually, no, I'd hate to be that sort of person.  

I'm actually finding this post really unhelpful as I'm being accused of all sorts when I'm trying to get over a nasty break up.  Please can you try and be a little less accusative and not making up things?  There are other posts on here where posters are constantly trying to get their exes back (which I have not done) and they are getting all sorts of support.

Is there any way of having this post deleted?

I don’t think anyone is telling you not to feel your emotions right now.  Anyone who’s been through a breakup knows you experience a roller coaster of emotions and you’re not any different.  We’re just trying to make you see that it doesn’t seem like he was trying to be intentionally hurtful or nasty to you.  I know from experience that when you’re going through a breakup it’s hard not to think everything your ex does is to intentionally hurt you.  
 

You did just admit though that you wanted him to drop off the stuff while you were home so you could see him because you miss him.  Missing him is totally normal and expected, but it was probably for the best that you didn’t see him, because seeing him would probably set you back in the healing process.  Like I said in my other post, this guy is a jerk for cheating and maybe yes he should’ve been more considerate of your request, but I think the way he dropped off your stuff was for the best even if you can’t see that now.  
 

 

Edited August 14, 2020 by Uptown182

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Uptown182 said:

As for dumping your stuff by the front door, I think he just did what he thought was best.

Agree.  Good idea to toss it.  It may have been filled with bed bugs, dust mites, crumbs, pet hair, human hair, skin cells and all sorts of unknown body fluids. Smart to just toss it. Sort of a ceremony like tossing him away with it.

[lana-banana]

Gently, this board is simply for offering advice, not unconditional cheerleading. You asked if he was being unnecessarily nasty and most people disagreed (even though nobody had anything nice to say about this guy). Then you went on to talk about how the new girl is ugly and unpleasant and people pointed out that kind of stuff wasn't going to help you heal. Being cheated on is awful, but it's also one of the few life situations in which you can hold your head high and know that it has nothing to do with you. You should be glad this guy is officially out of your life, not missing him and wanting to see him again. He may be a jerk but a no-contact dropoff was the right call here.

[ShyViolet]

5 hours ago, Not So Sad Now said:

Yes, next time I'm cheated on and dumped, I must remember to be very grateful for having my things left at my front door.

There is no "power struggle" or "drama" by the way, I simply miss him and wanted to see him again.  I didn't "order" him to do anything, I simply mentioned that I would like my stuff back at some point.  And yes, I do realise that makes me a terrible person and I should immediately switch off my emotions and move onto the next one without a backward glance, never shedding a tear.

Actually, no, I'd hate to be that sort of person.  

I'm actually finding this post really unhelpful as I'm being accused of all sorts when I'm trying to get over a nasty break up.  Please can you try and be a little less accusative and not making up things?  There are other posts on here where posters are constantly trying to get their exes back (which I have not done) and they are getting all sorts of support.

Is there any way of having this post deleted?

You have some unhealthy patterns of behavior here.  No one is telling you that you have to "switch off your emotions and move on without a backward glance, never shedding a tear."  That's not even remotely close to what anyone has said to you.  Of course you are entitled to your feelings.

You just admitted that the reason you wanted him to drop off your stuff is because you missed him and wanted to see him again.  He chose to do a no-contact drop-off.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with his choice to do that, and as matter of fact it was probably more appropriate for him to do that.  

 

[stillafool]

OP,  be glad he just dropped your stuff off at the front door.  He wants to move on and your seeing him would just set you back and make you hope that things will start up again.

[Not So Sad Now]

11 hours ago, stillafool said:

OP,  be glad he just dropped your stuff off at the front door.  He wants to move on and your seeing him would just set you back and make you hope that things will start up again.

I do think it was unfair of the poster who accused me of "creating drama".  I thought this board was supposed to be supportive?

I had a few texts from him yesterday, all very short and comprising short phrases including "I'm sorry it had to end this way", "I had to be honest" and "I think I'm just bad at relationships".  I replied that my brain needed time to process it all, because he seemed to actually be a completely different person from the one he was supposed to be (moral, shy, quiet, very cultured and discerning, not that interested in women except me) the 15 years that I have known him.  I wasn't nasty and I wasn't critical.

Rather oddly, the woman he is now seeing (I assume its ongoing) has joined some sports Facebook groups that I'm a member of and posted a couple of sort of meaningless questions on them.  Well actually 4 questions in the last week on 2 different groups.  She doesn't do any sport at all (the groups are at quite a specific, advanced level and participants tend to know everyone that does participates locally and even nationally).  I can't understand how she even knows who I am.

[contel3]

I think I can relate to your experience. Something similar happened to me several years ago and it was extremely painful. After 2 years you would expect someone to have the decency to break up face to face and hear you out. He dropped your things off because he wanted to avoid having to face you, which is really a cowardly thing to do. I think it is hitting you even worse because you are feeling lonely because of lockdown - I don't think seeing him would have made it any better though. Maybe you can call a friend? It will most probably make you feel a lot better in the long run than seeing the guy who just dumped you in such an unceremonious way. 

Having said all that, I think there are two questions that would be useful to ask yourself:

1) Why do you need other people to tell you the way he broke up was nasty? Don't you trust your own judgement? Are you trying to justify/validate something?

2) Why did you want to see this guy again? Did you want answers? Are you feeling lonely?

Maybe this can help you moving forward.

[Blind-Sided]

On 8/13/2020 at 9:11 AM, schlumpy said:

He was protecting himself from any drama that might occur. I can understand that.

I agree.

Since I was "Dumped" by my exW... and Knowing all the lies that went around about me... that her and her friend tried to spread to everyone... I tend to not just take things at face value. 

OP... I know you are upset... but you didn't tell us anything leading up to this.  Some say he's a player... but is it that you are overly dramatic, and he basically had already broken up with you?  If he was a true "Player"... I'm sure he would have wanted to rub your nose in his new relationship.  I get the feeling that he really just didn't want to deal with you.  So... while you are saying he was being nasty... the truth is... he is disconnecting from you as clean as possible.  (Didn't argue, and brought over the requested items) 

Sorry you are in this position... but a look at the bigger picture would be beneficial to all. 

[Blind-Sided]

3 hours ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I do think it was unfair of the poster who accused me of "creating drama".  I thought this board was supposed to be supportive?

We are incredibly supportive.  Everyone here is honest, and helpful.  Sometimes people just don't want to hear the truth.   We don't know you, but when people feel jaded... they tend to take things to another level.  And yes... there is a chance there would have been drama. 

[Not So Sad Now]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

I agree.

Since I was "Dumped" by my exW... and Knowing all the lies that went around about me... that her and her friend tried to spread to everyone... I tend to not just take things at face value. 

OP... I know you are upset... but you didn't tell us anything leading up to this.  Some say he's a player... but is it that you are overly dramatic, and he basically had already broken up with you?  If he was a true "Player"... I'm sure he would have wanted to rub your nose in his new relationship.  I get the feeling that he really just didn't want to deal with you.  So... while you are saying he was being nasty... the truth is... he is disconnecting from you as clean as possible.  (Didn't argue, and brought over the requested items) 

Sorry you are in this position... but a look at the bigger picture would be beneficial to all. 

It sounds like he was treating the relationship as over. Its unfortunate. I got stuck in one city with caring responsibilities in lockdown so didn't see him. I also fractured my kneecap in a sports accident a week into lockdown and in Britain you couldn't get anything but life or death medical treatment. So I spent lockdown basically lying down zonked out on painkillers, waiting and hoping for my knee to heal. He knew I'd fractured my knee. Then when it was a bit better, I said I'd travel to his, but he told me he was "self isolating to stay safe". That was the time he started seeing the other woman. So yes, I guess you could make an argument that he didn't cheat, the relationship was over but he just put off telling me. Without wishing to sound too pity seeking, I got the break up phone call 4 days before my birthday.

It's ironic, because he was the one person I thought I could rely on, because I'd known him for so long. I never expected he would act like this even in a break up, I thought he would be kinder. But he's moved on, he even sounds different. I dont think I will ever see him again. 

I've developed an eating disorder, because it's the one thing that gives me security right now - it's always there for me. I'm not too thin or anything but I've lost weight. Even now, the normal things I do for socialisation are all cancelled. I'm arranging some online counselling, but it's expensive. 

I talked to a friend who knows him yesterday (the first time I've met up with a friend in 4 months) and she told me some other things about him that I had no idea about. Nothing terrible, but again confirming he is a somewhat different person to what I knew. 

I've gone on Tinder but it's really terrible in this location. Full of guys asking to come round for dinner then have sex with you that night, or alternatively, spend the next 2 days with you and constantly messaging you when you've never even met. None of them seems interested in a quick coffee for a first meeting. 

 

[guest569]

What a terrible time you've been having. I really sympathise and I can see why this action of dumping your stuff has hit hard. You've been going through so much in addition to this brutal breakup. I think his actions are more about him going the coward route, rather than trying to be nasty or hurtful. This protects him from facing up to his actions and facing you. The fact he actually forgot about all your stuff that was under his roof for those 2 months, and then dropped it unwashed while you were out.. Well I wouldn't expect much more from someone who ended a 2 Yr relationship in a 3 minute phone call. It must be tough to see such a different side of someone after 15 years of thinking you know them. I hope your knee is OK! And hope you're taking care of your health and start eating well again.

 

What terrible times we are living in. pandemic and lockdown combined with injury and brutal breakup must be very challenging. You will get through this! 

[Acacia98]

On 8/14/2020 at 5:54 PM, lana-banana said:

One thing we hear a lot is "I wish s/he would just be honest with me", "I wish s/he would have just told me why they left", "I wish s/he was direct and straightforward and didn't leave me hanging", but stories like this are reminders that pretty much everything will cause a lot of pain no matter what. Cheating is terrible, but I sincerely don't believe he had any desire to hurt you more than he did already. He was doing what he thought was the best and most unambiguous way to do it. 

It actually seems to me that the opposite is true: he seems to be going out of his way to hurt her feelings. I've seen people dump in this way before. It's usually because they're highly insecure but want to show the other person they're "tough" and "don't care." They want to prove they cared so little that they moved on really fast. The blocking is not necessarily about avoiding drama. I think it's about making her feel like nothing: you see, he got to say his piece and she listened. She doesn't get to do the same because he's not listening. There's usually an audience involved, e.g. the new girlfriend or his guy friends.

[rjc149]

OP, what would have been the preferred way for him to return your things? Could you elaborate on the scenario that would have been less hurtful to you? Suppose he met you in person, how would that conversation have gone? 

 

[Not So Sad Now]

13 hours ago, rjc149 said:

OP, what would have been the preferred way for him to return your things? Could you elaborate on the scenario that would have been less hurtful to you? Suppose he met you in person, how would that conversation have gone? 

 

Every other female friend I know has collected their stuff in 5 minutes and had a civilised chat when they're broken up. I didn't put any time line on the return of my things, I could have met him in a park to collect them for instance.

It had been 2 months since the split when I asked for them back, any adult male is capable of being more polite at that point than he was. No drama from me - he knows me well enough to know that I'm remarkably calm and hardly ever complain about anything. There's been no phone calls from me, just a few short texts expressing surprise and sadness. Nothing at all to justify completely avoiding seeing me 2 months later. 

Acacia - he doesn't have any male friends, he drops everybody, and I don't think this is a proper girlfriend at all. He's quite an odd person, I turned him down initially when he asked me out because I couldn't work out if he was nice or nasty. A mutual male friend (one of the many he's lost contact with) said he was a psychopath, which I thought was harsh. He oscillates between being the nicest guy you'd ever meet and blanking and cutting people off. 

I'm not having any more contact with him because he is clearly out to be as ridiculously mean to me as possible right now. I dont know how to explain it, but I think he is really getting some kind of pleasure out of devaluing me. He seems almost excited by it. It's so over the top, it's actually ridiculous. 

Being charitable, he dumped me because he was frustrated by the partial long distance, although he never mentioned it (he's the tough guy who never shows his emotions), but I never got a chance to tell him I was moving back permanently, and now he has to stick with it. I actually think he engineered the whole thing to have a big dramatic break up because we were really happy together right up until the last time I saw him. 

[d0nnivain]

On 8/15/2020 at 6:30 AM, Not So Sad Now said:

I can't understand how she even knows who I am.

You are her BF's EX.  Your name has come up.  She has chosen to insert herself in your life.  That is more upsetting to me then having your stuff dumped on your doorstep.  Block her -- everywhere.  If you take the bait she will know you are still hung up on your EX & she will exploit that to hurt you. 

 

As for dropping your stuff off, he didn't want a civilized chat.  He wanted things to be over

[Not So Sad Now]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You are her BF's EX.  Your name has come up.  She has chosen to insert herself in your life.  That is more upsetting to me then having your stuff dumped on your doorstep.  Block her -- everywhere.  If you take the bait she will know you are still hung up on your EX & she will exploit that to hurt you. 

 

As for dropping your stuff off, he didn't want a civilized chat.  He wanted things to be over

There's no way she's a proper girlfriend. He's far too vain and will be simply using her for sex. My gut instinct on him and his motives has actually been 100% correct on him the whole time, if only I'd listened to it. 

He's far too secretive to have mentioned my actual name to her, likely explanation is that he's mentioned to her the two sports I do, and she's had a hunch because she was vaguely involved in one of them 10 years ago, he does the other one, and we have mutual friends in common on FB and had a good guess. 

I'm not blocking the poor girl, she can do what she likes as long as she's not harming me. He will be giving her the "I'm busy this weekend" act now but keeping her dangling, and she will be scrabbling around trying to make herself more interesting to him. 

Edited August 16, 2020 by Not So Sad Now

[stillafool]

He seems to be the type who just nixes people once he gets tired of them.  He doesn't want to talk about his reasons why and I imagine when you told him to not just drop your stuff off he felt like you're no longer his gf and he won't be told how to do things so he dropped your stuff off so it's over.

What way should have have chosen to drop your things off, without having a conversation with you, that you would have considered respectable?  I think you have been asked this question 3 times and I can't find your answer.

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

I'm not blocking the poor girl, she can do what she likes as long as she's not harming me. He will be giving her the "I'm busy this weekend" act now but keeping her dangling, and she will be scrabbling around trying to make herself more interesting to him. 

It would be best to block her so you don't know anything about her or what she/he is doing so you can move on and forget about this.  The last thing you need is to follow his new gf.

Edited August 16, 2020 by stillafool

[stillafool]

8 minutes ago, Not So Sad Now said:

There's no way she's a proper girlfriend.

What is a "proper" girlfriend?