legrtova Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Hi everyone! Many of you know my story, I've been bragging about it for quite some time now:o Here it is again in shortcut. I was dating a MM for 9 months, was hoping he would be with me, blah blah the typical story. Well, we went on vacation last month and had to come back cuz his wife found out. He's made his decision to work on his family and not to see each other again. As you could guess, we kept on meeting (no sex, just talk) for the following 3 weeks. A week ago I told him I will never see him again, he accepted and so it happened. He hasn't called, I haven't called...a true NC. Now his wife sent me another email (friendly one) about how sick she is of us meeting in hiding. I'm guessing something is going on there (besides the obvious). I replied to her in very friendly and honest manner that I told him we would never see each other and that I have moved on with my life. She wants me to have her # just in case he calls....I should call her back. I told her that's fine, but that I would tell him about it as well. Gee...I just want to move on with my life, but I feel like I owe her something. I know I shouldn't be involved anymore and let them deal with it.... Do you think emailing her back and possibly talking to her on the phone would do any good? I am doing great without him, it gets easier every day, I don't want him in my life anymore (full of lies and BS). Should I 'bother' explaining to her anything? Answering her unaswered questions? I'm worried if I do I will make it worse on them...I know I should probably stay out of this for good, but what do you think? Btw I also told her that I made a choice to be out of their lives forever now...but I still feel that if she wants answers, she should be able to ask. What do you think?!
laRubiaBonita Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 i think you should block her email....and go on with your life, since she cannot get on with her own. wallowing her self-pity will only spread it.
laRubiaBonita Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 well keep on blocking....she will take the hint, or run out of email accounts to use.
whichwayisup Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Ask her to stop emailing you, that you're trying to get on with your life...And if by chance her hubby calls you, then you will TELL him he better stop or youll contact his wife. Don't involve yourself in this unless you absolutely have to. Her trust issues with him are clear right now and obviousy she doesn't trust him as she thinks he's still seeing you. I personally think no matte what you tell her right now, she has her own mind made up, so it won't really matter by the end of the night. How do you feel about it all? Do you feel harrassed or is she truely just seeking out attention, reaction etc...Because if she won't stop when you ask her to, change your email address. She won't be able to contact you then.
legrtova Posted October 11, 2005 Posted October 11, 2005 Well, the emails she sent before were threatning. This one was a warning about the well known fact that he was lying to her, he will lie to me as well. She said we shouldn't be hiding, we should be seing each other in the open. The thing is we are not seing each other. I know he is depressed. I know he does love me. He is half cakeman and half unhappy married man. He knows he can have something he wants with me, but is attached to his wife. When he gets depressed, he shuts him self down and won't let anyone in. I don't feel harrased by this email. I feel she is just fed up and wants to know if she should keep trying to make it work or give up. She is a very reasonable woman, and a very frustrated one. He hasn't called me or anything, I have no idea where that came from. I told her before I will not have any further contact with her, but I replied to her with some basic facts about not seing/calling each other no more and stuff.
newbby Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 legrtova, perhaps just tell her that he had already decided he wanted to work on his marriage and you decided to get on with your life, and that since this mutual decision he has not tried to contact you nor you him. then leave it to them to deal with, tell her you can be of no more help and that you are moving on and will not be in any more contact with mm or herself. she understandably does not have any trust in him now, but, really that is something that they both need to work on themselves through counselling or whatever.
foolinlove Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 It seems that the W is in tune when something is going on with her relationship, perhaps he is spending little to no time at home or very distant, which would be an indicator that he maybe has another OW on the side. I agree that this is her problem and she should deal with her cheating husband on her own, but perhaps if she contacts you again...reenforce that you two are done and that perhaps her intuition is right and he does have another OW(NOT YOU) in which she should dump this cheater. Just a thought!
legrtova Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Thanks guys...I have pretty much done a little bit of out of each advice here I really do not think he has another OW. He is so messed up by this...he said he wants to be with me but is afraid to leave the attachment and security he has (HA, too bad) I'm just guessing he has given up on working things out. Oh well.... Thanks again! She hasn't emailed me now...but I guess we will see.
LauraBancroft Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Well, the emails she sent before were threatning. This one was a warning about the well known fact that he was lying to her, he will lie to me as well. She said we shouldn't be hiding, we should be seing each other in the open. The thing is we are not seing each other. I know he is depressed. I know he does love me. He is half cakeman and half unhappy married man. He knows he can have something he wants with me, but is attached to his wife. When he gets depressed, he shuts him self down and won't let anyone in. I don't feel harrased by this email. I feel she is just fed up and wants to know if she should keep trying to make it work or give up. She is a very reasonable woman, and a very frustrated one. He hasn't called me or anything, I have no idea where that came from. I told her before I will not have any further contact with her, but I replied to her with some basic facts about not seing/calling each other no more and stuff. Your story sounds so familiar to my best friends story. Her very ex-mm was the same way. He'd float between the two and then he fell in love with my best friend, she didn't fall in love with him. She was at first but he treated her not so good so she fell out of love with him, they seperated for a long time then ran into each other. Started chatting again and things just went back to the way it was but this time he was changed in his behavior with her. Emailing all the time, chatting to her, calling her all the time, giving her little gifts, taking her places. She was just having fun. He was the same way when he got depressed also. The wife found out, she was also pregnant when all this was going on, since has had the baby, the MM got a little crazy and broke out my friends windows, cops got involved, he went to jail. My best friend's H was well aware of what was going on and they have since worked on their marriage and all is well there now. The W from the MM and my best friends have become friends now and chat on the phone ever so often. Weird things come from EA's. I just wanted to say that this story sounds very familiar.
legrtova Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Um...I don't know, doesn't sound familiar to me. We have always had a great time together, he has never mistreated me, his wife is not pregnant (well, might be now to 'fix' things). He said he wants to be with me but is attached and scared to leave the comfort of 16 years they put in together. He is not violent and we are very much in love. I know I will always love this man, I am just learning to love him without being with him. I know he's lied to me, but never about big things. I dunno, I will just burn his letters today (the last thing I have as a reminder of him) and move the f*** on with my life. Today I realized that communication with the W is a setback for me. It just makes me wonder what is going on there and gives me hope...the last thing I need.
newbby Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 legrtova, you are very strong and self aware. it is good to see.
legrtova Posted October 12, 2005 Posted October 12, 2005 Thanks Newbby, somehow I needed to hear those words....to re-assure my self I still have it all together. Darn boys...hehe
Sunset Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Personally I would reply to W and tell her that you have not seen her H and have no intention of doing and that she is taking it up with the wrong person and should be speaking to her H. That you wish her no pain but it has nothing to do with you what he does with his life. After that I would just delete any future emails or read but not reply. You are doing so well in the NC October gang and these emails are making you think of OM and none of us want that! Chin up girl, W must be very unhappy and grasping at straws to be contacting you. If I was W I would not want OW to know I was weak so she must be pretty desperate.
MustB1 Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 It sounds as if you are desparately hoping he is going to still leave. In which case you should tell his wife that also, when and if you talk or email her. Think about that, he lives but lives in depression for years and has loads of guilt to boot and you have him though, but at what cost to him and at what cost to his wife? Just so that you can have what you think you want? I don't get it. I think it sounds creepy to have her number and her asking you to call her if he calls you. That is a bit odd. If you really want to go on with your life. Quit hoping he will come to you and when you do email her tell her to get a marriage counselor and that you can not be involved anymore, not with him or her.
crazy_grl Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 It sounds as if you are desparately hoping he is going to still leave. In which case you should tell his wife that also, when and if you talk or email her. Why do you think that? It sounds to me like she's desperately hoping for this whole situation to be over with and to move on with her life. It's understandable that someone would still have some hope that the person they care about would want to come be with them, but to say she's "desperately hoping" sounds like a stretch to me. Legrtova, if you haven't responded to her yet, take the advice others have given and tell her you understand her pain but you're through with them. If she emails you again don't read it. Send it directly to the trash.
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 I did (except for the councelor part). And no, I have no hopes. I mentioned it gave me hope, but it was only cuz I was still missing the life we USED to have. I do not want to have anything to do with either of them (as the situation has developed rather ugly), but I am as guilty as he is, and therefore I feel 'obligated' to answer her questions if she has any. Well either way emails are blocked again, numbers are in process of being changed, etc.
legrtova Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 Why do you think that? It sounds to me like she's desperately hoping for this whole situation to be over with and to move on with her life. It's understandable that someone would still have some hope that the person they care about would want to come be with them, but to say she's "desperately hoping" sounds like a stretch to me. Legrtova, if you haven't responded to her yet, take the advice others have given and tell her you understand her pain but you're through with them. If she emails you again don't read it. Send it directly to the trash. You nailed it. I did respond to her in a calm matter, explaining that we cut it off completelly and that I wish them the best. I also said that she needs to stop emailing cuz it brings everything back. I know me, my desire is stronger then my willpower at times My desire after that email was to have back what we had, but heck...yeah I'm blonde but not dumb, we would NEVER have back any of that. I just wish she could move on her self, but I understand where she is coming from.
crazy_grl Posted October 13, 2005 Posted October 13, 2005 You nailed it. I did respond to her in a calm matter, explaining that we cut it off completelly and that I wish them the best. I also said that she needs to stop emailing cuz it brings everything back. That sounds like a good move. If I were her, I'd stop contacting you knowing that it only made you get reminiscent. You're out of the picture now, so doing that will only risk bringing you back in. I know me, my desire is stronger then my willpower at times You, me, and probably 99% of the world's population. Seems like you're doing well now. Just keep being strong.
legrtova Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Hehe, thanks. I was starting to worry that I'm a weak b**c, but yeah, it's easier to give in then to fight it. And yeah, I'm doing just fine. Life seems to be back in normal, even though I know I can expect some more bad days to come...but that's what makes life fun!
MustB1 Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 "Um...I don't know, doesn't sound familiar to me. We have always had a great time together, he has never mistreated me, his wife is not pregnant (well, might be now to 'fix' things). He said he wants to be with me but is attached and scared to leave the comfort of 16 years they put in together. He is not violent and we are very much in love. I know I will always love this man, I am just learning to love him without being with him. I know he's lied to me, but never about big things. I dunno, I will just burn his letters today (the last thing I have as a reminder of him) and move the f*** on with my life. Today I realized that communication with the W is a setback for me. It just makes me wonder what is going on there and gives me hope...the last thing I need." Those words in her post make it seem like she really wants him to come to her and leave his wife.
crazy_grl Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 "Um...I don't know, doesn't sound familiar to me. We have always had a great time together, he has never mistreated me, his wife is not pregnant (well, might be now to 'fix' things). He said he wants to be with me but is attached and scared to leave the comfort of 16 years they put in together. He is not violent and we are very much in love. I know I will always love this man, I am just learning to love him without being with him. I know he's lied to me, but never about big things. I dunno, I will just burn his letters today (the last thing I have as a reminder of him) and move the f*** on with my life. Today I realized that communication with the W is a setback for me. It just makes me wonder what is going on there and gives me hope...the last thing I need." Those words in her post make it seem like she really wants him to come to her and leave his wife. Err... yes, she did say some positive and warm things about him and their relationship, but that was only in response to a comparison with what seems to have been a destructive relationship involving a somewhat violent man. The lines you bolded are just precursors to these lines: "I am just learning to love him without being with him." "the last thing I need." Admitting that she still loves him doesn't mean anything. You can love someone but not want to be with them. legrtova seems to be moving on and trying to let go of any hope she may still have.
Leid Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 well, you could do something amusing like sending this reply: "<your name> no here now, leave message at sound of beap" every time she sends an email... LOL... she'll think you're nuts AND illiterate. seriously, to continue email conversations w/ W will only make it harder for you to move on. She's relying on you to do her dirty work, be her spy.. sounds like he's being sneaky again, but not w/ you. W doesn't know this. You don't OWE her anything. If she wants to stay w/ a man who lies and cheats, let her. You've got bigger fish to fry! best of luck, Leid
TiredOfWaiting Posted October 14, 2005 Posted October 14, 2005 Agreed. Contact with the W can only result in rehashing the past and a step back for you. She is with him, by choice, so they must sort their sh** out. As for him having another OW, as suggested by one of the other posters, do you even want to open yourself up to that potential situation?! I know I wouldnt. That would be adding insult to injury. As long as you are maintaining NC, you have nothing to explain or be accountable for. For example. Today I read my ex-MM's name on a business document, and that alone was enough to make me melancholy and I started to miss him and wonder what he is up to. You dont need it! Be strong!
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