How can I stop allowing myself to be a doormat?

[enchanted771]

Aka a people pleaser, a pushover, taking people’s sh**? Well, not all but it’s mostly been men I dated. I would give chance after chance...I know other women would have cut him loose and not give a crap. There are so many situations I recall where I could kick myself..but he continued doing it because I just kept taking the treatment. I suppose it’s about confidence. A confident person would know she deserves better and stop settling. 

[Veronica73]

Find a good therapist. That’s what has helped me the most.

[ccas93]

I was a what you could describe as a push-over a long time ago. A lot of my pushover-ness was due to a fear of conflict, of losing people, and the desire for approval. 

For me what was important to losing the pushover-ness was adopting an abundance mentality. It sounds brutal, but I think most relationships are replaceable. There are 8 billion people on the planet, there are plenty of good people out there who will treat you well who you can form amazing bonds with. Obviously certain relationships in your life aren't replaceable, like family, but in terms of your friends/dating life, you have to uphold standards for the way you want to be treated, and not be too afraid of severing ties/things getting heated if you aren't being treated with respect. 

[usa1ah]

It isn’t about confidence at all. The most confident people find themselves in the same situation. 
 

It is all about self respect. You have to respect yourself enough to not put up with it. 

[Wiseman2]

Don't date abusive men, immature men, heavy drinkers or hang out with people who are selfish and damaged.

Then you can just be yourself without being on the defensive or trying to twist  yourself around thier craziness.

Just clean the weirdos out.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Wiseman2

[Veronica73]

45 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Don't date abusive men, immature men, heavy drinkers or hang out with people who are selfish and damaged.

Then you can just be yourself without being on the defensive or trying to twist  yourself around thier craziness.

Just clean the weirdos out.

Easier said than done if you were brought up in a dysfunctional/abusive family. That’s why I suggest finding a decent therapist. Finding someone who is competent, caring, and paid to help you is better than trying to reinvent the wheel or trying to figure it out yourself if you don’t have good foundations. They will be focused on helping you and modeling what healthy, mature behaviors in a relationship are like, and help you learn how to set boundaries if you have never learned that. 

Also...”weirdos” aren’t necessarily bad. I feel like there are plenty of wonderful people who might be considered “weirdos” who could be wonderful partners. It’s filtering out the toxic, abusive, selfish, obtuse ones that is important. And like I said before, that may not be the easiest thing to do depending on the family in which you were raised.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Veronica73

[Trail Blazer]

First, you need to work out the why before you can answer the how.

I agree with another poster who said it's not really about confidence, but rather self-respect.  A self-respecting person just will not tolerate being treated poorly! 

My mom is not a confident person with regards to most things in life.  She lives in a bubble for the most part, and needs the certainty of every-day routine to remain functional.  My mom also hates confrontation. 

However, one thing that trumps any and all of those things that she has in spades, is self-respect!

If someone treats my mom like crap, she's so quick to rid them from her life!  She won't stand for toxic people and would rather have no friend/family/relationship than a toxic one.  It's served her well!

After Mom divorced my dad when I was three, she vowed to never again be treated poorly.  She changed her attitude, learnt from mistakes and has had much better relationships since then, including her fantatsic partner she's been with for 11 years.

Not everyone is going to bounce back like my mom, though.  If you find that you can't generate enough natural self-respect to walk away from unhealthy or toxic relationships, then you may need to consider speaking to a therapist.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[Wiseman2]

Therapy is a great idea, however it only works if things are applied out in the real world.

This is why making a list of red flags for toxic people in order to avoid them is essential.

Talking with a professional once a week is useless and undermined if one steps out of the office into a cesspool of toxic people and behaviors.

[Versacehottie]

11 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

Aka a people pleaser, a pushover, taking people’s sh**? Well, not all but it’s mostly been men I dated. I would give chance after chance...I know other women would have cut him loose and not give a crap. There are so many situations I recall where I could kick myself..but he continued doing it because I just kept taking the treatment. I suppose it’s about confidence. A confident person would know she deserves better and stop settling. 

I will come back and give a longer answer when I have a bit more time but the short answer speaks to the crux of it:

Why  DON'T you just walk away?  Why DON'T you just cut him loose?

If these are the actions of a person who is NOT a pushover (which i would agree with), this is what you NEED to do to not be a pushover.  I know it's just a start but it is where you should start. If you take the actions of exactly what you want to become, you start to become it.  The very action of cutting him loose puts you on that path.

I'll come back & add more later. Lots of things to say to (hopefully) help

Edited August 13, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Veronica73]

5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Therapy is a great idea, however it only works if things are applied out in the real world.

Talking with a professional once a week is useless and undermined if one steps out of the office into a cesspool of toxic people and behaviors.

I agree that therapy needs to be applied out in the real world.

I disagree that talking with a professional once a week is useless if one steps out of the office into a cesspool of toxic people.

I feel like a big part of therapy is the relationship you develop with the therapist. It may be the first time in your life that someone truly listens to you and treats you with compassion and respect. This can teach people how they should expect to be treated. And people who grew up in a messed up family may have never had that before. It’s not just learning in your head. It’s also developing a kind, caring, respectful relationship with someone who models good behavior towards you. And who knows you well and cares about you. They can teach you how to set boundaries for yourself.

Edited August 13, 2020 by Veronica73

[kendahke]

Therapy is the best way to get down to the root of why you allow this, why you indulge this, what you're getting out of it and how to snatch it out and be done with it.  This isn't a "go walk it off" kind of thing. It's a pattern of behavior that is destructive to you and your self esteem and it needs to be dealt with so you can make better choices in the future--and not be afraid of not having some man in your life.

[ZA Dater]

13 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

Aka a people pleaser, a pushover, taking people’s sh**? Well, not all but it’s mostly been men I dated. I would give chance after chance...I know other women would have cut him loose and not give a crap. There are so many situations I recall where I could kick myself..but he continued doing it because I just kept taking the treatment. I suppose it’s about confidence. A confident person would know she deserves better and stop settling. 

Simply be confident in yourself to say "no". Be assertive. Believe you deserve better. My gripe with people per se is so many people just settle for something even though that something doesn't make them happy and probably isn't what they want but well it would seem to some, something is better than nothing.

[Ruby Slippers]

Get happy and strong all on your own. When you do this, your own self-created atmosphere is so good that you won't allow anyone to muddy it up.

I'm happy and feel great, so if anybody approaches me with negativity or drama, I immediately disengage. I'm 1,000 times happier in my own peaceful world than dealing with any of that. 

Once you're in this happy state, you become a lot more magnetic to people on the same wavelength.

[schlumpy]

It's a matter of learning to say no without feeling you have to supply an explanation for your decision.

Seems easy enough but is very hard for many people to do 

[smackie9]

I think you should have a checklist. One for expectations that need to be met, and one for deal breakers. Write them down if you need to. Then when you meet someone, keep those lists in mind. You already have reviewed when you should have walked...put those on your deal breaker list. If you see it, you will know it, and think about the last time it happened..that's called learning from experience. There shouldn't be anything holding you back from walking, no hesitation at all. Knowledge is power, now put it into practice.

[Versacehottie]

On 8/13/2020 at 5:55 AM, Versacehottie said:

I will come back and give a longer answer when I have a bit more time but the short answer speaks to the crux of it:

Why  DON'T you just walk away?  Why DON'T you just cut him loose?

If these are the actions of a person who is NOT a pushover (which i would agree with), this is what you NEED to do to not be a pushover.  I know it's just a start but it is where you should start. If you take the actions of exactly what you want to become, you start to become it.  The very action of cutting him loose puts you on that path.

I'll come back & add more later. Lots of things to say to (hopefully) help

ok, i'm back to say a little more.... you can keep posting about why you think you allow this or give certain specific examples and maybe we can help more specifically.

Ok, but in general a person that acts like a doormat does need more confidence.  Of course, in the conventional sense that helps because it's how you show yourself to the world & you will likely want to keep up that image.  Also being confident would tend to provide you with more socialization opportunities---with other guys, with girl friends who support you and lift you up & remind you or show you from their own examples in their lives that you don't need to accept poor treatment & bolster your self-esteem and game plan during your weaker moments.

In the less thought about sense but is equally if not MORE important, you need to have CONFIDENCE that you could/would find someone else.  It's a self-assurance that you will assess the guy you are dating or considering dating up to your own personal standards every step of the way and if he doesn't meet them, you move on knowing you will find someone who does.  You have to operate from a place of "abundance" not "lack of".  Lack of or scarcity causes a person to attach on easily, when not warranted by the behavior you may be getting in return and causes you to HOLD ON because you think you can't find anything better.  Basically, simply put-your brain kind of operates like this guy (a guy who mistreats you or doesn't meet your standards for a relationship) is the last guy on earth.  While you can logically know that he isn't, what you do in practice is like he is one of the last guy's on earth.  So you have to train the "muscle" in your mind to not get lazy and keep measuring up, not get complacent with things because you feel like it will be harder to find someone.   You also have to not get caught up in your fantasies of what things "could" be with this guy but see things for what they are.  Stay grounded in reality.  Stay in the now.  Ironically, the mindset of scarcity SETS YOU UP to be mistreated and taken for granted.  It's a signal to those around you (with body language, the way you phrase things, the way you interact, including multiple times allowing or forgiving things) to treat you as a doormat.

So for one you need to practice.  There is no time like the present to change your behavior toward others so they don't treat you like a doormat. Each step you take AWAY from doormat treatment is a step TOWARD being a person who is NOT treated that way.  I would say you should always keep in mind what would someone who you feel is a self-assured girl with lots of dating options and great self-confidence and boundaries DO if in your situation.  Then do that.  You can and should do it on small things, not just wait for some big violation to occur.  You can prevent big violations by teaching your guy/others how to treat you in order to gain access to your life. Bolded is this mind shift that would be important for you to have.  Guessing you probably are consistently worried about how to remain in other people's life/keep a boyfriend whatever.  Try to FLIP IT and look at what the person needs to do to remain in YOUR life.  It's a shift that distinctly puts you first and if you aren't going to do that, why would anyone else?

Lastly another big idea which was mentioned above that is really mportant is to have already an idea of how you see a relationship "going" and what you expect from the other person.  I think it's really important to have these standards in place BEFORE you start dating someone.  It's less of an emotional thing as it relates to the other person but how you relate to yourself.  You take the other person out of the equation.  This is just how you expect to be treated.  I think it has to be on reasonable and important things, the bigger ideas--not get caught up on the small ways the other person shows you attention.  That wouldn't take into account the other person's personality & life & you would get caught up on things that are arbitrary.  Right now, you are probably just making it up as you go along and that doesn't work because it becomes about competing goals: his/yours and you are giving too much leeway to his life, personality and undermining your own goals in the process.  So those have to be set--they are probably way too bendy right now.  For the stuff that "doesn't matter" or is arbitrary, an example would be like wanting a guy to call you at 6am as he drives to work.  That's not a standard (or a boundary) under which you would or should dump someone if they can't do that for you.  Too arbitrary.  You may decide in advance that you want a guy who stays in contact often; then you have to give a bit of flexibility for how he is and his lifestyle to let him do that in his way & appreciate him for it.  The idea of wanting consistent contact doesn't disappear--therefore if a guy was flakey or inconsistent and it was unreasonable, then you would break up with him KNOWING it doesn't match your standards and you can do better.  You have to keep examining these standards at every step of the way & don't get lazy--it also contributes to a healthier, progressing relationship where you have active involvement.  

Ok that's what I've got right now but you can switch from being a doormat but it will take work. To be honest, if a pattern is set such as with a current boyfriend, chances are he will probably have to go.  You will probably need a clean slate.  Good luck
 

Edited August 15, 2020 by Versacehottie

[enchanted771]

On 8/15/2020 at 11:13 AM, Versacehottie said:

ok, i'm back to say a little more.... you can keep posting about why you think you allow this or give certain specific examples and maybe we can help more specifically.

Ok, but in general a person that acts like a doormat does need more confidence.  Of course, in the conventional sense that helps because it's how you show yourself to the world & you will likely want to keep up that image.  Also being confident would tend to provide you with more socialization opportunities---with other guys, with girl friends who support you and lift you up & remind you or show you from their own examples in their lives that you don't need to accept poor treatment & bolster your self-esteem and game plan during your weaker moments.

In the less thought about sense but is equally if not MORE important, you need to have CONFIDENCE that you could/would find someone else.  It's a self-assurance that you will assess the guy you are dating or considering dating up to your own personal standards every step of the way and if he doesn't meet them, you move on knowing you will find someone who does.  You have to operate from a place of "abundance" not "lack of".  Lack of or scarcity causes a person to attach on easily, when not warranted by the behavior you may be getting in return and causes you to HOLD ON because you think you can't find anything better.  Basically, simply put-your brain kind of operates like this guy (a guy who mistreats you or doesn't meet your standards for a relationship) is the last guy on earth.  While you can logically know that he isn't, what you do in practice is like he is one of the last guy's on earth.  So you have to train the "muscle" in your mind to not get lazy and keep measuring up, not get complacent with things because you feel like it will be harder to find someone.   You also have to not get caught up in your fantasies of what things "could" be with this guy but see things for what they are.  Stay grounded in reality.  Stay in the now.  Ironically, the mindset of scarcity SETS YOU UP to be mistreated and taken for granted.  It's a signal to those around you (with body language, the way you phrase things, the way you interact, including multiple times allowing or forgiving things) to treat you as a doormat.

So for one you need to practice.  There is no time like the present to change your behavior toward others so they don't treat you like a doormat. Each step you take AWAY from doormat treatment is a step TOWARD being a person who is NOT treated that way.  I would say you should always keep in mind what would someone who you feel is a self-assured girl with lots of dating options and great self-confidence and boundaries DO if in your situation.  Then do that.  You can and should do it on small things, not just wait for some big violation to occur.  You can prevent big violations by teaching your guy/others how to treat you in order to gain access to your life. Bolded is this mind shift that would be important for you to have.  Guessing you probably are consistently worried about how to remain in other people's life/keep a boyfriend whatever.  Try to FLIP IT and look at what the person needs to do to remain in YOUR life.  It's a shift that distinctly puts you first and if you aren't going to do that, why would anyone else?

Lastly another big idea which was mentioned above that is really mportant is to have already an idea of how you see a relationship "going" and what you expect from the other person.  I think it's really important to have these standards in place BEFORE you start dating someone.  It's less of an emotional thing as it relates to the other person but how you relate to yourself.  You take the other person out of the equation.  This is just how you expect to be treated.  I think it has to be on reasonable and important things, the bigger ideas--not get caught up on the small ways the other person shows you attention.  That wouldn't take into account the other person's personality & life & you would get caught up on things that are arbitrary.  Right now, you are probably just making it up as you go along and that doesn't work because it becomes about competing goals: his/yours and you are giving too much leeway to his life, personality and undermining your own goals in the process.  So those have to be set--they are probably way too bendy right now.  For the stuff that "doesn't matter" or is arbitrary, an example would be like wanting a guy to call you at 6am as he drives to work.  That's not a standard (or a boundary) under which you would or should dump someone if they can't do that for you.  Too arbitrary.  You may decide in advance that you want a guy who stays in contact often; then you have to give a bit of flexibility for how he is and his lifestyle to let him do that in his way & appreciate him for it.  The idea of wanting consistent contact doesn't disappear--therefore if a guy was flakey or inconsistent and it was unreasonable, then you would break up with him KNOWING it doesn't match your standards and you can do better.  You have to keep examining these standards at every step of the way & don't get lazy--it also contributes to a healthier, progressing relationship where you have active involvement.  

Ok that's what I've got right now but you can switch from being a doormat but it will take work. To be honest, if a pattern is set such as with a current boyfriend, chances are he will probably have to go.  You will probably need a clean slate.  Good luck
 

I agree with all you said. Thinking back, I know I had certain standards to begin with, and I let a lot of them slide so therefore, he lost respect. I cut loose boyfriends I invested more time in, and I didn’t look back. This guy I kept going back and forth, so of course he knew he could do whatever and I would just keep coming back. He ditched me more than once and  admitted he was wrong, but he was not sincere. He wanted to “move on” which was a move to get a reaction from me. Bottom line, he didn’t value me. Would not invite me to events because it was spontaneous and I have a child and I should make friends who have kids! I think that was a real cruel thing to say. I confronted him about leaving me out on things. Probably made me look needy, but it really bothered me. Anyways, next relationship I am going to be more aware and not settle no matter what he says 

[schlumpy]

Did you feel there was "chemistry" betwixt you two?

[d0nnivain]

On 8/12/2020 at 9:07 PM, enchanted771 said:

.I know other women would have cut him loose and not give a crap. 

Since you are at least able to recognize the bad behavior that would merit a break up, next time you find yourself thinking another woman wouldn't put up with this, become that other woman & put your foot down. 

 

10 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

 Anyways, next relationship I am going to be more aware and not settle no matter what he says 

Good for you!

[Versacehottie]

12 hours ago, enchanted771 said:

I agree with all you said. Thinking back, I know I had certain standards to begin with, and I let a lot of them slide so therefore, he lost respect. I cut loose boyfriends I invested more time in, and I didn’t look back. This guy I kept going back and forth, so of course he knew he could do whatever and I would just keep coming back. He ditched me more than once and  admitted he was wrong, but he was not sincere. He wanted to “move on” which was a move to get a reaction from me. Bottom line, he didn’t value me. Would not invite me to events because it was spontaneous and I have a child and I should make friends who have kids! I think that was a real cruel thing to say. I confronted him about leaving me out on things. Probably made me look needy, but it really bothered me. Anyways, next relationship I am going to be more aware and not settle no matter what he says 

So it sounds like you guys broke up then?

Think of it like this also: if you say what you standard or dealbreakers are or have an argument or discussion with your guy about it but then "let him back" in anyway, it chips away at all of your own actions toward RECEIVING that standard of behavior.  The hard thing with people who have really bendy standards or are willing to argue or discuss but don't back it up is that I think the vacillate between ALLOWING almost everything or everything into trying to be so hardline that it's arbitrary, oppressive and not even true to how they feel, which makes it hard for them to do.  That's why doing it on the "little things" (not arbitrary ones but little things that do matter) at beginning stages help from ever having to deal with a person who breaks every standard you have.  Basically it transmits a message (which is absolutely the one that you should be sending!) that you will walk if things aren't up to your standard--you have options in the world and value your happiness above all. Partners usually respond BETTER to this, in part because it conveys to them that they've ended up with someone of value! And because they get a better idea of your boundaries.  The tough part for someone without practice is that you need exactly that---practice.  That can be hard to do in the midst of a person that you care about so much, want to see only the good in and feel extremely emotional about.  So try to stay grounded, realistic and a little detached from the outcome.  The "right" outcome will work itself out when you advocate best for yourself, which can mean losing that person of course, but it also means allowing the space where you are with someone new who does treat you right & you assert yourself so to become part of a healthy pattern.  

I think if you are honest with yourself, probably a lot of this relationship was torture and not really all that fun.  Allowing people to walk all over you, chips away at who you are and rarely allows for true happiness.

About confrontation, I think it works better to do than say.  Usually by the time you need to "say" something, things are kind of amiss & yeah it typically comes off as needy or nagging.  Flip it by pulling back, not pushing in.  That shows the person: hey you are not doing the right things to keep me interested. If there is discussion, I think matter of fact, more lighthearted little corrections do more good beforehand before it ever gets to the stage that is a confrontation.  These are little reminders ALL ALONG that say: what are you doing to KEEP me? Not the other way around.

All this doesn't mean you will get perfection in the other person.  I think the hardest part is determining when it's just a factor of how the person is and needing to work with them for a more harmonious partnership or when it's a sign or a signal that is of the unacceptable kind.  I think people who get treated as doormats are too far over on the spectrum of what they allow and it probably involves fine tuning this or pushing yourself over to the other side of the spectrum.  Black and white thinking doesn't work because no one is perfect and people are human. 

The guy you are no longer with doesn't sound great. Actually kind of cruel; I think you can feel sure you did the right thing by letting this guy go. Good luck

[enchanted771]

6 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

So it sounds like you guys broke up then?

Think of it like this also: if you say what you standard or dealbreakers are or have an argument or discussion with your guy about it but then "let him back" in anyway, it chips away at all of your own actions toward RECEIVING that standard of behavior.  The hard thing with people who have really bendy standards or are willing to argue or discuss but don't back it up is that I think the vacillate between ALLOWING almost everything or everything into trying to be so hardline that it's arbitrary, oppressive and not even true to how they feel, which makes it hard for them to do.  That's why doing it on the "little things" (not arbitrary ones but little things that do matter) at beginning stages help from ever having to deal with a person who breaks every standard you have.  Basically it transmits a message (which is absolutely the one that you should be sending!) that you will walk if things aren't up to your standard--you have options in the world and value your happiness above all. Partners usually respond BETTER to this, in part because it conveys to them that they've ended up with someone of value! And because they get a better idea of your boundaries.  The tough part for someone without practice is that you need exactly that---practice.  That can be hard to do in the midst of a person that you care about so much, want to see only the good in and feel extremely emotional about.  So try to stay grounded, realistic and a little detached from the outcome.  The "right" outcome will work itself out when you advocate best for yourself, which can mean losing that person of course, but it also means allowing the space where you are with someone new who does treat you right & you assert yourself so to become part of a healthy pattern.  

I think if you are honest with yourself, probably a lot of this relationship was torture and not really all that fun.  Allowing people to walk all over you, chips away at who you are and rarely allows for true happiness.

About confrontation, I think it works better to do than say.  Usually by the time you need to "say" something, things are kind of amiss & yeah it typically comes off as needy or nagging.  Flip it by pulling back, not pushing in.  That shows the person: hey you are not doing the right things to keep me interested. If there is discussion, I think matter of fact, more lighthearted little corrections do more good beforehand before it ever gets to the stage that is a confrontation.  These are little reminders ALL ALONG that say: what are you doing to KEEP me? Not the other way around.

All this doesn't mean you will get perfection in the other person.  I think the hardest part is determining when it's just a factor of how the person is and needing to work with them for a more harmonious partnership or when it's a sign or a signal that is of the unacceptable kind.  I think people who get treated as doormats are too far over on the spectrum of what they allow and it probably involves fine tuning this or pushing yourself over to the other side of the spectrum.  Black and white thinking doesn't work because no one is perfect and people are human. 

The guy you are no longer with doesn't sound great. Actually kind of cruel; I think you can feel sure you did the right thing by letting this guy go. Good luck

Yes he was very cruel and I feel he uses people- mainly women to his advantage. Whether it be an ego boost, lonely, bored, etc...He had all she time in the world for me until recently. Our state reopened more things so now he is back to his old selfish self. This is how he is though, I see a pattern. In the winter he wants to hang all the time too and in the spring he will be distant again. Me taking him back isn’t sending a good message, basically telling him no matter what he does he can always come back. When (not if) he comes back wanting to hang I am going to make it my business now to be busy with other people who actually value my time.

[enchanted771]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Since you are at least able to recognize the bad behavior that would merit a break up, next time you find yourself thinking another woman wouldn't put up with this, become that other woman & put your foot down. 

 

Good for you!

I have put my foot down then second guessed myself (he is the master at head games and manipulation) and second guessed myself. My gut feeling is never wrong, and he will just say whatever, then throw me bread crumbs just to keep me around. Never afraid to lose me of course because of what I put up with 

[enchanted771]

13 hours ago, schlumpy said:

Did you feel there was "chemistry" betwixt you two?

There was, but he wasn’t being his true self. He put on an act and I caught him in a big lie which he rationalized 

[mortensorchid]

I hear you in this.  There have been times that I found myself as the pushover, lapdog, people pleaser, etc.  I also find myself trying too hard to make things work when I shouldn't be.  Why?  As women I think you have been taught by a variety of sources to be the mothering, nurturer, caregiver, etc., yet at the same time we have taken over in terms of power and control in the world.  I've seen it for the last 20-25 years, where women have taken over as the breadwinners of their households no matter what their level of education is or is not.  What to do?  If I had the answer, I would tell you.  Except speak when it's appropriate, don't let emotion take over the smallest of things, and be happy with you. 

[contel3]

Date other men. I know this sounds simplistic, but a decent man will treat every woman he dates well.

Therapy also helps.