Is my boyfriend being selfish or cheap?

[Conditionstolove]

My boyfriend has told me he wants to get married to me as soon as possible but he knows I want to wait a little longer since I've only been with him barely a year. I sort of kidding said that I hoped he'd formally propose with a ring or something I can have to signify the proposal. He replied, just use one of your old diamonds (I was widowed and my mom also left me a diamond I have in a necklace). I replied that I wasn't comfortable using the diamond my late husband gave me (that should be obvious) and I prefer not to reset my mom's diamond since it's in a nice necklace she left me as well and I already had it slightly redone and like it the way it is.

By the way, he is a professional and has his own professional practice, home and a country club membership so he is financially comfortable.

I don't want to seem shallow and really don't need another diamond, but something nice and meaningful seems in order or, at the very minimum, I shouldn't have to use my older diamonds if I don't want to.

He is fairly generous, but so am I. In fact, his kids and grandkids visited my home yesterday and he was supposed to pick up lunch for all of us but he was having such a nice time, I offered to pick it up so I did and paid for it. He never offered the $ back it wasn't so cheap.

Are these signs of stupidity, selfishness or is it "normal"?

 

[Wiseman2]

What's the big hurry to get married? That's a red flag. Date for a while. You need to get to know him better and you need to have your finances and estate in order. Talk to your family about it and talk to your financial advisors.

[elaine567]

11 minutes ago, Conditionstolove said:

By the way, he is a professional and has his own professional practice, home and a country club membership so he is financially comfortable.

Not necessarily, it depends on his outgoings and his level of debt... His private practice may be on its last legs for all you know.
And just because he earns a lot doesn't mean he wants to spend it. He sounds a bit mean money wise to me.
The hurry to get married, may be so that he can get his hands on your money, so be careful.

[basil67]

With regards to you paying for the lunch, what’s the history of paying?  Has he paid for more than his share over the time you’ve been together - or do the two of you carefully split funds?

for the engagement, if you don’t want to seem shallow and don’t need another diamond, why not skip the diamond and look at other ring/jewellery alternatives...and wait till the engagement has been made

[d0nnivain]

Since you hosted his family it would have been nice if he paid but you were generous to do so. 

Him pushing for marriage so soon seems off to me. 

Some men just don't "get" diamonds & the proposal thing.  It may be the cost.  The mark-up on diamonds is ridiculous.  However if the ritual is important to you, tell him that.  Offer to accept a cheaper colored stone.  My SIL's e-ring is an amethyst because purple is her favorite color.  If you explain to him that you aren't hung up on the diamond as a money grab but want the romance of him popping the Q hopefully he will be more on board. 

As for paying, it's a modern world & things are equal.  As a woman if we want equal pay & equal rights that means we need to treat men to dates & not expect them to pay 100% of the time.  

[Versacehottie]

hmmm, well some good reasons he could be saying this is to slow down marriage talk OR trying to throw you off the track OR joke with you.....all of which seem totally fine to me.

Otherwise, i think he is being selfish/cheap.  If he wants to marry you, assuming you are both somewhat traditional based on what you said, he can't use an old diamond--from your ex is ridiculous and from an heirloom from your mom is crass.  He should get you what he can afford--if his own business is in a struggling position despite what it may seem that's fine--he should still get something within his budget or postpone asking/find some other way to postpone the ring part.

I think it's probably too quickly to get married.  The kind of uncertainty about these type of statements from him--whether he was joking or serious and especially if he was serious, let you know you don't know him well enough.  And if he is this insensitive why exactly would you want to marry him?  You definitely don't know him well enough. I'm not sure you will like what you find when you do. Good luck

[curlygirl40]

Like the others, the fact that you're talking marriage (especially if he's pushing for it) at under the year mark seems like an issue here.   

And since you said something 'sort of kidding', maybe he doesn't realize that you really mean it.    To me, I don't care about a diamond, actually would prefer a nice garnet maybe with little diamonds around it.  Something subtle and not flashy.   Make sure he knows what you would like in a more clear way, not in a jokey way.     To me it's the meaning behind it vs the cost.   

You did make a point of saying he was generous, but then went on to talk about paying for lunch for his family.    I'm assuming since you said he was generous, that he does pay for many things also?  My bf and I don't live together so we don't share expenses, we don't really discuss any sort of split, but sometimes I insist on paying and sometimes he insists on paying.   Sometimes we split it.  I always try to make sure it's fair, life is expensive after all so I don't expect him to pay for everything.    Maybe he didn't give it any thought, or maybe he is thinking 'I'll pay next time'.    

[Versacehottie]

3 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

He is fairly generous, but so am I. In fact, his kids and grandkids visited my home yesterday and he was supposed to pick up lunch for all of us but he was having such a nice time, I offered to pick it up so I did and paid for it. He never offered the $ back it wasn't so cheap.

Are these signs of stupidity, selfishness or is it "normal"?

 

oh sorry i didn't answer this part.  I think if you bought lunch for his family that's what you should be doing.  If you are hosting people at your house, are generous & offered to go pick it up because he was having fun, in general I think it IS something you should offer/pay for/not bring up expecting money back from him.

Even though he was supposed to pick it up originally, you were always going to be hosting these people at your place, so really you should have provided lunch.  That's just part of hosting--it doesn't matter that they are his family--they are guests at your house.  After all, you don't want to be ungracious.

If you feel like he's trying to get one over on you, that's a problem.  Like if he often skates out of paying for things because he "forgets" or is "conveniently" busy when time to pay for things comes up.  But this one off wouldn't have me thinking that unless it's a pattern.  Actually this one off would have me wondering why you were keeping score.

Idk, it just shows that much more is going on with regards to finances than is on the surface.  Which is rarely about how much money people have but are willing to give/share and working those things out or having a natural rhythm with each other about them.  I think you guys have far to go on it---another reason you are in no position to be talking marriage.

Edited August 12, 2020 by Versacehottie

[Emilie Jolie]

3 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

he was supposed to pick up lunch for all of us but he was having such a nice time, I offered to pick it up so I did and paid for it. He never offered the $ back it wasn't so cheap

Not sure I see the link between him having a nice time and you offering to pay yet expecting him to pay you back? No idea what his deal is with this (though you did say he was generous) but if you feel he should be paying you back or whatever, you need to bring it up to him, not stew in silence.

As for marriage, it's quite common for more 'mature' couples (you mention grandkids so I assume at least one of you is in their 50s?) to get married within a year of meeting, I guess because you get better at knowing what you want with experience?

The diamond thing could have been his way of taking a few steps back re marriage talk, though it's hard to tell from your OP alone.

[Wiseman2]

If you are already nitpicking about money, Do Not Even Consider Marriage.

Date for a while enjoy the companionship but get to know each other better.

[kendahke]

Oh hey--you're back.

Does your son still dislike him?  Is he still trying to worm his way into moving in with you?

Edited August 12, 2020 by kendahke

[smackie9]

I would say no to marriage at this time. You can't possibly know what someone is like in less than a year. They are on their best behavior...usually. If you do want to get married, have a prenup drawn up to protect you assets. IMO this diamond thing is a big red flag and would have stopped me in my tracks and start asking myself, what is really going on here.

[Caauug]

4 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

I don't want to seem shallow and really don't need another diamond, but something nice and meaningful seems in order or, at the very minimum, I shouldn't have to use my older diamonds if I don't want to.

OMG!!! I would swear you were my mother..... I don't think you are but....

As we all grow older we have to relax on some things that are traditional. 

Some people are very good/shred budgeters. A full blown big stone diamond might upset years of budgeting for someone in retirement.  

Take a pass, you deserve more....

 

[Happy Lemming]

4 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

...and really don't need another diamond....

Then tell him he can propose with a Cubic Zirconia ring.  It looks like a diamond and costs $20-$25.

Problem solved.

[poppyfields]

4 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

My boyfriend has told me he wants to get married to me as soon as possible but he knows I want to wait a little longer since I've only been with him barely a year.  I sort of kidding said that I hoped he'd formally propose with a ring or something

 I can have to signify the proposal. He replied, just use one of your old diamonds...

First off, why were you hoping he would formally propose when you just admitted^^ you want to wait to get married?  Which he is aware of as well? 

Oh forgot, you were kidding, it was a joke.

Well, imo his remark about using an old diamond was also a joke, in response to your joke.

Given this, you are way overthinking about all of this.  

Just forget about marriage for now and continue dating, since you fully admit it's too soon.  Which again, he knows too.

Stop analyzing who pays what. Have fun and enjoy the process. 

Re the proposal, when the time comes down the road, another year or so, if you are still together, trust that he will know what to do.  

But as far as his comment about using an old diamond, when put in context with you kidding him about a formal proposal when you've already made it clear you want to wait, it was a sarcastic joke.

He may be a bit hurt you want to wait and that was his passive-aggressive way of letting you know that.

My advice?  Stop overthinking, let it go, have fun, enjoy the process of getting to know each other better and revisit the topic of marriage at a later time.

And when you are both ready for marriage, trust that he will know what to do and not expect you to use an old diamond as an engagement ring, good lord.  Lol.

 

 

Edited August 12, 2020 by poppyfields

[d0nnivain]

It may be too early to get married but that doesn't mean it's too early to get engaged.  These are adults not 20 somethings.  Time is not on their side.  

Not wanting to get married right now doesn't mean when the time is right that she doesn't want a proposal rather then her unceremoniously putting the diamond e-ring from her late husband back on her finger.  

[poppyfields]

14 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It may be too early to get married but that doesn't mean it's too early to get engaged.  These are adults not 20 somethings.  Time is not on their side.  

Not wanting to get married right now doesn't mean when the time is right that she doesn't want a proposal rather then her unceremoniously putting the diamond e-ring from her late husband back on her finger.  

I don't disagree with you D but she admitted she was "kidding" about the proposal, hence his "joke" in return about using an old diamond. 

That's my take anyway.

No man with two brain cells to rub together would ever expect his new fiance to use an old diamond.

OP,  give the guy some credit, he's a middle aged man, previously married who runs a business, not some kid who doesn't know better.  

And maybe next time you want something, ask in a direct way, don't kid and make a joke about it.

[clia]

5 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

My boyfriend has told me he wants to get married to me as soon as possible but he knows I want to wait a little longer since I've only been with him barely a year. I sort of kidding said that I hoped he'd formally propose with a ring or something I can have to signify the proposal. He replied, just use one of your old diamonds (I was widowed and my mom also left me a diamond I have in a necklace). I replied that I wasn't comfortable using the diamond my late husband gave me (that should be obvious) and I prefer not to reset my mom's diamond since it's in a nice necklace she left me as well and I already had it slightly redone and like it the way it is.

This is the part where I would've looked at him like he was a lunatic.  I don't know if it's stupid or cheap or selfish or what, but it is certainly bizarre.  You don't even need to explain your position on this -- just "no, that doesn't work for me."  It's totally reasonable for you to want him to formally propose with a ring.  As others have said,  it doesn't have to be a ridiculously expensive diamond ring or anything like that.  It seems like a red flag to me that he apparently wants to get married, but is too lazy or something to buy you a ring.  

Quote

He is fairly generous, but so am I. In fact, his kids and grandkids visited my home yesterday and he was supposed to pick up lunch for all of us but he was having such a nice time, I offered to pick it up so I did and paid for it. He never offered the $ back it wasn't so cheap.

This appropriateness of this depends on your relationship because it could be cheap, or it could be that it just didn't occur to him.  Do you regularly reimburse each other for things like this, or do you take turns paying for things and just expect it to even out in the end?     

[Happy Lemming]

9 minutes ago, clia said:

  Do you regularly reimburse each other for things like this, or do you take turns paying for things and just expect it to even out in the end?     

I was thinking the same thing...

Perhaps she should keep a ledger to make sure everything is even at the end of the month.

[Ruby Slippers]

16 minutes ago, clia said:

It's totally reasonable for you to want him to formally propose with a ring.  As others have said,  it doesn't have to be a ridiculously expensive diamond ring or anything like that.  It seems like a red flag to me that he apparently wants to get married, but is too lazy or something to buy you a ring.  

I agree. This is seriously unromantic. If he's not even trying to romance you before you get married, that doesn't bode well.

[Conditionstolove]

he wasn't kidding about the diamonds being reused.  I know him well enough. I think i caught him off guard with my comment so I tried to make it light but trust me, he wasn't kidding!!  It's been several days since it happened and he still hasn't said a word. You'd think he may say if he was kidding "You know I was teasing you right"? or something like that.

[Wiseman2]

Luckily, he doesn't seem sincere about wanting to marry. It's just too soon.

[Wiseman2]

Which poster are you?

5 minutes ago, Livingwithrisk said:

He does want to marry me and per him the sooner the better.

 

10 hours ago, Conditionstolove said:

My boyfriend has told me he wants to get married to me as soon as possible but he knows I want to wait a little longer since I've only been with him barely a year.

Either way, talk is cheap, perhaps even cheaper than he is. There is no proposal here and he may think the carrot and stick  mentioning marriage think will work to keep the sex/things going. He has Not proposed so don't worry about diamonds.