Cade Hernandez Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 The general question is how to comfort someone you love. Ill give an example that made me question my skill when it comes to this. My girlfriend was hurt, the reason wasnt important, but I said something along the lines of "are you okay?", "how are you feeling?", and "I hope you feel better. But it just doesnt feel like enough, and its not that I dont care, iys just that I lack the skills to properly comfort her. So a less general question to as would be: What are good things to say when comforting someone you love? and What are gokd ways to comfort a lived one or make them feel better?
Caauug Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 This can be a mine field for you as a guy's approach to a problem is different to a girl's approach. Her reaction to your display of sympathy may be jaded by your previous responses when she has opened up to you. As a male your tendencies/approaches to problems is to offer fixes or to fix the problem. This may, in the end be what she wants or needs but not when she is still working through her feelings. For the most part most women just need someone to listen and absorb what she is saying.... If the "Hurt" is large she may need professional counselling to work through her feelings. The last thing she wants is you telling her how she should feel or what to do about her problem. If this was your last approach then she will be slow to open up to you now. Listen and encourage further conversation for her to express her feelings. Do not ever expect her "Hurt" feelings to go away quickly, she needs time and maybe multiple people to help her deal with them. If it's your "Dirty laundry" she is hurt about others will end up knowing about it. Do not offer fixes. Let her suggest them if it comes down to that. 1
elaine567 Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 5 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said: . My girlfriend was hurt, the reason wasnt important Well it is important . Are we talking her best friend went on holiday without her, or her brother got murdered in the street? Is she hurt because of something you have done? Is her hurt fixable? a few heart to hearts with the friend maybe or not fixable? she will never really completely get over the death of her brother... 1
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 People in general can't handle negative emotions like grief. We want to comfort the other person. We want to help We want to take the pain away & make it all OK. Instead we need to let the other person be upset. Stop asking Qs. Just hold them & let them cry. Don't say anything especially something like "It will be OK, stop crying." They need the tears to cleanse & heal. If you want to help give them a safe non-judgmental space in which to be upset.
Giovane Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 Often it's not about saying anything in particular. Sometimes it's best to give her an opportunity to talk about it, so just listen to what she might want to say - but actually do listen! Which is different, of course, from just not saying anything yourself. 1
smackie9 Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said: The general question is how to comfort someone you love. Ill give an example that made me question my skill when it comes to this. My girlfriend was hurt, the reason wasnt important, but I said something along the lines of "are you okay?", "how are you feeling?", and "I hope you feel better. But it just doesnt feel like enough, and its not that I dont care, iys just that I lack the skills to properly comfort her. So a less general question to as would be: What are good things to say when comforting someone you love? and What are gokd ways to comfort a lived one or make them feel better? I'm guess this is through text? Is this a LDR? The comforting thing to do is to say "I'm here for you" "Tell me about it..." "You will be OK" "Is there anything I can do for you?" ....send them cheerful flowers, a small box of chocolates, baked goods, a nice card. Edited August 12, 2020 by smackie9 1
d0nnivain Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 27 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I'm guess this is through text? I Oh good heavens. It is IMPOSSIBLE to comfort somebody through text. Don't even try. If that is all you can muster, don't bother.
kendahke Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said: The general question is how to comfort someone you love. Ill give an example that made me question my skill when it comes to this. My girlfriend was hurt, the reason wasnt important, but I said something along the lines of "are you okay?", "how are you feeling?", and "I hope you feel better. But it just doesnt feel like enough, and its not that I dont care, iys just that I lack the skills to properly comfort her. So a less general question to as would be: What are good things to say when comforting someone you love? and What are gokd ways to comfort a lived one or make them feel better? If you caused the hurt, "I'm sorry for hurting you", is a good start. If it wasn't your intention to hurt her, tell her so. If it was, then you've got bigger issues you need to be addressing. If someone else caused the hurt, "I'm sorry they hurt you like this... do you feel like talking about it?" If she does, she will talk. If she doesn't, then tell her "when you're ready, I'm here. Do you want to be by yourself right now or are you ok with me being here?" and let her tell you. If you present yourself as being open and willing to hold her sanity while she lets her hurt/anger off its leash, then she will trust you to hold that so she can vent. don't try to fix anything if the hurt was caused by someone else unless she specifically asks you to fix it. Edited August 12, 2020 by kendahke 2
Author Cade Hernandez Posted August 12, 2020 Author Posted August 12, 2020 Before I say anything I want to say Ibappreciate the responses. I think I should have brobably clarified the way that she was hurt but the advice you guts have already provided will be helpfull later on in the case that she is in emotional pain. In the instance I was referring to she was in phisical pain due to an injury, and I wanted to do everything to make her feel better but I felt like the things I said didn't express that and felt almost lacking. Thanks again for the other advice though, I will take it all into consideration when helping her through emotional hurt.
kendahke Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 1 hour ago, Cade Hernandez said: In the instance I was referring to she was in phisical pain due to an injury, and I wanted to do everything to make her feel better but I felt like the things I said didn't express that and felt almost lacking. Just ask her what she needs and try to facilitate it.
Wiseman2 Posted August 12, 2020 Posted August 12, 2020 2 hours ago, Cade Hernandez said: she was in phisical pain due to an injury, and I wanted to do everything to make her feel better but I felt like the things I said didn't express that and felt almost lacking. Why don't you do something with and without asking. For example ask her what food you can bring over, offer to take her places. Go with her to places, just to be there. Even doctors, pharmacy, food shopping, etc.
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