Casual fling- Is it ever worth pursuing?

[Veronica73]

You didn’t ruin things. This guy is an ass who has no respect for you. Please please please just let it go and move on. Literally everybody is telling you the same thing. You are nothing to him and you never will be anything to him. And on the very very slim chance you are ever anything to him, he’s a dick, so it’s not exactly a win. (You’re better off without dicks in your life.) Seriously. Just stop. Nothing good is going to come of this.

[d0nnivain]

On 8/22/2020 at 3:36 PM, babybrowns said:

He also told me something which I found quite upsetting. He said that he was ‘always up for seeing where things would lead with us’, but that after all the arguing the last few days about where we stood and all, it made him feel pressured and that we are not right for each other anymore. I then asked him why he didn’t tell me this before I took the trip, he said he “wouldn’t have minded either way whether I’d cancelled the trip or not, he liked my company so why not”.

In a way I feel that part of this not working out is my fault for raising the ‘where’s this going’ thing with him too soon. I really did not want to do this but I just wanted to know that I wasn’t recurrently travelling 150 miles for something that was a no-go from the outset. It was all going really well before I raised my concerns and then all the back and forth arguing for 3 days about where this was heading ruined it  I also wonder if choosing to go 100% platonic this time contributed to the awkwardness between us/ less fun for him.

* * * 

Even though part of me wants to cut him off, part of me does want to try again in a few weeks/months time to see if anything can happen. If it was the premature arguing about the ‘what are we’ that was the major dealbreaker for him, surely all can’t be lost?  

It wasn't going well.  You just romanticized everything thinking that if you hung around he'd change his mind & want a real relationship.  He said things like he was possibly open to something because he knew if he was honest & said casual only you would never have tried.  

 

19 hours ago, babybrowns said:

But the ugly truth was, as he told me yesterday in his aggressive and critical rant to me as I was leaving, which was completely unprovoked, that he “didn’t actually care whether I came up or not, it would have made no difference to him either way”. I asked him why he didn’t tell me this before I took the trip, to which he said he liked my company so why not.

* * * 

But yes my wish not to spend more time with him for how he has treated me, is starting to win over the other part of me who got attached and is keen to ‘make things right’.

It's not yours to make right.  The part you have to "make right" is your own optimism. When a man says casual but tags on being open to something in the future you need to learn that the 2nd part if always a lie.  They say that because they know it's what you want to hear.  You fell for it, hook line & sinker.  

He didn't do a 180 on you.  He just stopped lying & holding out the hope you wanted.  

 

18 hours ago, babybrowns said:

And I just feel I’ve ruined everything, as he said himself. I have this urge to make things right because I get so quickly attached to people and keep thinking of those good times we had, but as I say, the part of me that wants to never speak to him again is still in the lead at this point. 

You didn't ruin anything.  There was nothing there except false hope.  He was OK giving you the hikes & the dances as long as you delivered sex to his bed. 

 

9 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Call me crazy, but part of me does feel whether it’s worth trying again on his non-platonic terms and seeing if it can get back to that what we had last time, with all the fun inside and outside the bedroom  * * *  That’s why I’m just thinking of letting the dust settle on all this for the while and then perhaps reaching out to him a month or so later. 

In a month it will be more of the same.   The price of being with him is NSA sex.  

You admit you get too attached.  Stop spending time with a man who has made it clear he doesn't want friendship or a future relationship. 

 

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

Um..it is because I trust myself to be firm with boundaries that I didn’t give in to sex with someone that just wants casual? Because I ‘do’ know what I want and what I will do/ not do?

I'm sorry but I think you are fooling yourself.  I see a woman with very weak boundaries who is easily manipulated by fairytale dreams.  Everyone here saw him as player who wanted easy sex.  You yourself feared that but insisted you could keep things separate yet hear you are thinking about going back for more abuse, fighting, unreciprocated effort etc. in a month after the dust settles.  Are you really that much of a glutton for punishment?  

You are not hardwired for casual so stop messing about with guys who tell you up front they aren't immediately down for exclusivity & commitment.  

Edited August 24, 2020 by d0nnivain

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, babybrowns said:

I do still feel that I have ruined things by bringing up my needs too early as he kept saying in all his berating. Sigh

Do you have a history of abusive relationships, by any chance? I mean that sincerely. Your mindset on this is very troubling. 

This guy treated you like crap and you're trying to blame yourself for it. Going all that way to see him after he was so rude to you doesn't suggest you have strong boundaries. It suggests you were hoping to martyr yourself by being rewarded for tolerating abusive behaviour; it suggests you don't have a lot of self-respect. You didn't sleep with him again, but you did give him far too much of your time and energy by even bothering to communicate with him as soon as the name-calling started. 

How do you justify that to yourself?

 

[assertives]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

part of me is just yearning for that fun experience with him again.

He's just a player who is good at his game. You need to start seeing it for what it is. There was nothing magical about that first encounter. You fell for his player tactics and ended right into bed with him. He didn't need to do anything literally as you made all the effort. Stop romanticising that first date. It was not real and not a genuine reflection of what is to come with this guy. Unless of course you've changed your mind about being his f*** buddy not even fwb since he doesn't even show any interest in your life and you as a person like a friend would. 

You keep saying you know where your boundaries are and know what you want/do not want. But it seems your boundaries are just "good to have" and not non-negotiable ones, and you keep waffling back and forth about being done and wanting to stick around for more after what I'd say is a disaster of a date. Which I suppose is what Schlumpy is referring to regarding that comment about your view of who you are does not match up to your own actions and decisions. If online strangers on this forum can see this, I'm sure a player like him can see it too. So he exploits it to his advantage.

You took him saying that he wants to see you as "liking" you and wanting more with you. I think that was projection on your part cos you're obviously very into him that you'd travel all that distance to be with him. I mean, I've gotta admit, if I was him or a bystander, I would think the commitment you've shown means you don't really mean it when you said no sex. On his end, it was just lip service, while on your end, there was real commitment of time and energy and effort. Yeah, I too think that your actions do not match up to your words. While he on the other hand, have at least been consistent about his intentions.

Edited August 24, 2020 by assertives

[Velvet teddy]

2 hours ago, babybrowns said:

This says it all so well! Thank you. It is getting easier by the day for me to just put this behind me. I just had such a good time with this guy the last time and it’s that which I can’t 100% shake off at this stage. I’m a very trusting person and I saw such a different side to this person the last time- part of me is just yearning for that fun experience with him again. I do still feel that I have ruined things by bringing up my needs too early as he kept saying in all his berating. Sigh

That side of him you saw once for some fleeting moments wasnt real! He was being fake in order to get you in to bed aka lovebombing. 

So you need to stop thinking it's going to go back to that, it won't unless  you start offering him what he really wants. In essence he doesn't  value you unless you can offer him something.

Hes a narcissistic user and abuser. I know the signs very very well, I've been on the receiving end of it myself. 

Let it go seriously! Or else you'll be wasting your life away on a total loser. 

 

Edited August 24, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[TheBlingRing14]

So my answer is yes...and no. I got out of a 2-year relationship a few months ago which was supposed to be a one-time thing turned into a casual thing turned into an exclusive thing. And, then 2 years later, there we were. So...it's not impossible for a casual thing to become something else. In fact I read many, many stories of people who ended up marrying their one-night-stands or FWBs or whatever. It's not hugely uncommon. 

However, it clearly didn't work out in my case, as no matter how bonded we were to each other, how committed we were to each other, he just was not ready for commitment. He has a lot of growing up to do. He is not mentally, financially, or otherwise in the right state for the next level. Now, one of our issues was distance. You may not have that problem, and it was a huge problem to overcome. I tend to think if distance hadn't been an issue, we might have been able to work out the other stuff or vice-versa. But, it was the 1-2 punch that made the breakup inevitable. 

Now, I have been exactly your shoes with the distancing and the detachment. It happened with us after every single time we saw each other. Things were wonderful and high and free when we saw each other. And even in the day or two following. But, then, inevitably...like clockwork, he would pull away. He would start feeling unsure about things, and then we'd talk, and he'd feel better about us, and the cycle started all over again. But, I am telling you...this happened every single time. 

Now, obviously circumstances are different. You may have hope where I really didn't. So, I don't want to say things are doomed. But...it is a situation I am all too familiar with. 

[babybrowns]

21 hours ago, assertives said:

He's just a player who is good at his game. You need to start seeing it for what it is. There was nothing magical about that first encounter. You fell for his player tactics and ended right into bed with him. He didn't need to do anything literally as you made all the effort. Stop romanticising that first date. It was not real and not a genuine reflection of what is to come with this guy. Unless of course you've changed your mind about being his f*** buddy not even fwb since he doesn't even show any interest in your life and you as a person like a friend would. 

You keep saying you know where your boundaries are and know what you want/do not want. But it seems your boundaries are just "good to have" and not non-negotiable ones, and you keep waffling back and forth about being done and wanting to stick around for more after what I'd say is a disaster of a date. Which I suppose is what Schlumpy is referring to regarding that comment about your view of who you are does not match up to your own actions and decisions. If online strangers on this forum can see this, I'm sure a player like him can see it too. So he exploits it to his advantage.

You took him saying that he wants to see you as "liking" you and wanting more with you. I think that was projection on your part cos you're obviously very into him that you'd travel all that distance to be with him. I mean, I've gotta admit, if I was him or a bystander, I would think the commitment you've shown means you don't really mean it when you said no sex. On his end, it was just lip service, while on your end, there was real commitment of time and energy and effort. Yeah, I too think that your actions do not match up to your words. While he on the other hand, have at least been consistent about his intentions.

Thanks, this really helped a lot. I still went up there despite all the abuse and it probably showed him that he really doesn’t have to show me respect. It does still bemuse me as to why he wouldn’t at least pay for a drink for me if he was hoping for some fun that night in his bed. 

20 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

That side of him you saw once for some fleeting moments wasnt real! He was being fake in order to get you in to bed aka lovebombing. 

So you need to stop thinking it's going to go back to that, it won't unless  you start offering him what he really wants. In essence he doesn't  value you unless you can offer him something.

Hes a narcissistic user and abuser. I know the signs very very well, I've been on the receiving end of it myself. 

Let it go seriously! Or else you'll be wasting your life away on a total loser. 

 

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I have been looking this up and it matches him to a T. It looks like I got out lucky. I hope I’m never tempted to go back there 

[Velvet teddy]

11 minutes ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks, this really helped a lot. I still went up there despite all the abuse and it probably showed him that he really doesn’t have to show me respect. It does still bemuse me as to why he wouldn’t at least pay for a drink for me if he was hoping for some fun that night in his bed. 

Thank you, this makes a lot of sense. I have been looking this up and it matches him to a T. It looks like I got out lucky. I hope I’m never tempted to go back there 

There are  so many people out  there.

You'll  find a better and more suitable match, who isn't  a nasty and horrible person! 

Edited August 25, 2020 by Velvet teddy

[babybrowns]

4 hours ago, Velvet teddy said:

There are  so many people out  there.

You'll  find a better and more suitable match, who isn't  a nasty and horrible person! 

Thanks. Even though I think very fondly of the weekend before the last one, when all was great. I really did experience quite different treatment from this man this time.

Ever since he gave me all that abuse before the trip, and then I came up trying to forget it all, which he didn’t make easy by not even paying for a drink for me that night. Not allowing me to even have a cookie at his house overnight.

The next morning, after all that berating he inflicted with his booming voice upon me, after taking it on the chin and continuously apologising to him for things I hadn’t even done, I was happy to go home soon and “get out of his way”, I really wanted to just leave and go home.

But even that wasn’t an option, he *insisted* that we grabbed lunch in town first, he had this favourite place he wanted to go. I was kinda relieved since I had a long journey ahead and was very hungry with no breakfast.

But I almost starved at the restaurant. The place didn’t take card payments unless you had a particular app on your phone to order stuff which he did, being a regular visitor, and it was one app to be used per table.

He said he could only add on my order (a small $5 thing) to his if I scanned my bank card on to his app, which I refused. So he was perfectly happy to leave me sitting there starving while he ordered plenty of food and drink for himself on the app. As luck would have it, I managed to put together some loose coins I had in my wallet and make up the $5 that I needed to give him so that he could add on my lunch to the order on his app. I didn’t have enough coins left for a pepsi with my food so he got me a glass of water which was free, and got himself  a few glasses of alcohol with his food.

And boy was I happy to hit the road afterwards, I arrived home utterly and truly exhausted. 

Thank you to everyone for your posts, I appreciate all of them greatly. I do feel I suffer a bit from ‘attachment’ to people even when they’re very wrong for me, and it’s through processing your words as well as these unpleasant memories that are really helping me to not want to have anything more to do with him.

 

Edited August 25, 2020 by babybrowns

[ExpatInItaly]

Delete and block this clown's number, OP. 

Otherwise, I would be concerned that you will hop to it if he reaches out, and you'll find yourself back at square one. 

Concentrate instead on working out those issues with attachment so that you won't wind up in this situation again. You sound like a sweet woman with a flawed man-picker. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Not allowing me to even have a cookie at his house overnight.

He seems like a read turd.

[Velvet teddy]

4 hours ago, babybrowns said:

Thanks. Even though I think very fondly of the weekend before the last one, when all was great. I really did experience quite different treatment from this man this time.

Ever since he gave me all that abuse before the trip, and then I came up trying to forget it all, which he didn’t make easy by not even paying for a drink for me that night. Not allowing me to even have a cookie at his house overnight.

The next morning, after all that berating he inflicted with his booming voice upon me, after taking it on the chin and continuously apologising to him for things I hadn’t even done, I was happy to go home soon and “get out of his way”, I really wanted to just leave and go home.

But even that wasn’t an option, he *insisted* that we grabbed lunch in town first, he had this favourite place he wanted to go. I was kinda relieved since I had a long journey ahead and was very hungry with no breakfast.

But I almost starved at the restaurant. The place didn’t take card payments unless you had a particular app on your phone to order stuff which he did, being a regular visitor, and it was one app to be used per table.

He said he could only add on my order (a small $5 thing) to his if I scanned my bank card on to his app, which I refused. So he was perfectly happy to leave me sitting there starving while he ordered plenty of food and drink for himself on the app. As luck would have it, I managed to put together some loose coins I had in my wallet and make up the $5 that I needed to give him so that he could add on my lunch to the order on his app. I didn’t have enough coins left for a pepsi with my food so he got me a glass of water which was free, and got himself  a few glasses of alcohol with his food.

And boy was I happy to hit the road afterwards, I arrived home utterly and truly exhausted. 

Thank you to everyone for your posts, I appreciate all of them greatly. I do feel I suffer a bit from ‘attachment’ to people even when they’re very wrong for me, and it’s through processing your words as well as these unpleasant memories that are really helping me to not want to have anything more to do with him.

 

 wow. He's not a nice person at all. To leave you basically starving  and thirsty. How cheap can one person be. 

I agree you should delete and block his number case you end up going back to him.

You're just going to make yourself miserable if you do. 

[kismetkismet]

This guy sounds like a genuine a***ole not even just a guy that doesn't want the same things as you. Decent people don't treat other people like that.. If you know that you have a weakness for charming jerks then definitely block his number. This guy wouldn't even be worth having a casual fling with if you genuinely wanted a permanent casual fling. 

[babybrowns]

Thank you everyone, you have all helped me so much. It’s true that I just can’t feel comfortable in his presence again after all this. He doesn’t show me any warmth, respect or care.

I also agree with a poster from earlier who said that it wouldnt even feel like friends with benefits if I did ever get tempted into that. He does not treat me like a friend, and shows zero interest in my life. In all the time we have ever hung out, he has asked me no more than 4 questions about myself - I can literally count them!

The few times I have managed to get a word in edgewise into conversations with him he has interrupted me and brought the conversation back to himself. It gets exhausting, listening and listening with no interest back from the other party for HOURS on end. Heck he doesn’t even know my last name and has only ever addressed me as “hon”, like I am simply an escort.

I have deleted his number but haven’t blocked; that I can do when the remaining attachment to him is completely gone. Hopefully won’t be too long

Edited August 26, 2020 by babybrowns

[Wiseman2]

Have you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps?

[babybrowns]

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you deleted and blocked him from all your social media and messaging apps?

Thanks, Luckily I just had him on WhatsApp, he’ll not be able to find me on social media since he doesn’t even know my last name