ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 18 minutes ago, babybrowns said: And if so, can it not go back to the fun and positivity we had before once the dust has settled on what has ensued these last few days. I really did enjoy all that last time, we have so many interests in common. Sincere question: are you planning to overlook the name-calling and berating and the other things you describe as abusive? How does that fit into the picture of fun and positivity you’re trying to hang on to? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 This guy is not interested in a relationship, if that's what you're after, you're wasting your time. He shows no interest in getting to know you. Doesn't pay for anything even when you spent quite a bit to see him. Doesn't really care to spend time with you when it's not at least leading to sex. Has out and out TOLD you that it will definitely be casual.. What do you even like about this guy at this point? Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, introverted1 said: What I don't understand is why you would spend the weekend with a man whose goals don't synch up with yours, who is sleeping with other women, and with whom you spent 3 days arguing about your lack of compatibility. Before I went, despite all the arguing, he was very keen for me to go. He asked me several times to keep the trip when I was close to cancelling. This by itself told me there had to be some genuine keenness there, that I wasn’t just being seen as some ‘fk buddy’ he could find locally, and it reflected what I saw when I spent time with him last time- that perhaps it could be moving towards that ‘open to seeing if something nice happens’ caveat. But the ugly truth was, as he told me yesterday in his aggressive and critical rant to me as I was leaving, which was completely unprovoked, that he “didn’t actually care whether I came up or not, it would have made no difference to him either way”. I asked him why he didn’t tell me this before I took the trip, to which he said he liked my company so why not. He has no concept of the time and effort required to go on a 3-hour trip, and then to admit he was indifferent to me even being there! 3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Sincere question: are you planning to overlook the name-calling and berating and the other things you describe as abusive? How does that fit into the picture of fun and positivity you’re trying to hang on to? It was this that made me feel quite withdrawn in his company when I was there, since I never got a genuine apology for it. I would have thought he’d at least have offered to pay for a drink for me as the smallest gesture to ‘make it up to me’. When he didn’t, it made me even more quiet and he kept commenting on my quietness in the car when we were driving back to his place for the night, I just said I’m “tired after a long week at work and long journey”. 2 hours ago, kismetkismet said: This guy is not interested in a relationship, if that's what you're after, you're wasting your time. He shows no interest in getting to know you. Doesn't pay for anything even when you spent quite a bit to see him. Doesn't really care to spend time with you when it's not at least leading to sex. Has out and out TOLD you that it will definitely be casual.. What do you even like about this guy at this point? Not much to be honest. Other than remembering I had soo much fun the last time and then to be told to my face this time round that it was my fault he went off the idea of dating me completely. 3 days before my trip when we first started arguing, he said that he “does want to date me but that he’s not sure it can go beyond that, into a relationship”. And then when I was about to head home from the trip it was him saying I am “not someone he wants to date”. I don’t get how in 3 days he can do a complete 180, that’s what is bothering me. I’ve been nothing but nice and polite to him, complaining very little about anything. I don’t plan on speaking to this guy again for now, but part of me is just very stuck and wondering if things can get back to him wanting to date me if we did have a good weekend again, further down the line for how quickly he just had a change of heart for as he puts it, my arguing. But yes my wish not to spend more time with him for how he has treated me, is starting to win over the other part of me who got attached and is keen to ‘make things right’. Edited August 23, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 You acted surprised at his bad boy advances for sex, fell for them and now you have experienced how he gets rid of his conquests. Why the confusion? It was all quite predictable. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
kismetkismet Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I think the reason he did the 180 is that he wanted a no strings attached, casual, sexual arrangement and you made it clear that's not what you wanted - good for you! You showed him that you wanted to connect with him emotionally/as a person and not just fly out there for weekend sex binges, which is what he was looking for. Now, stop pursuing him and thinking that you can change his mind. He didn't decide against a relationship because you were 'argumentative.' You stated what you wanted (fair) and he didn't want the same thing (fair). BUT he's trying to make it seem like if you'd been pliable and just done what he wanted (weekend sex binges) that he miiiiiight have MAYBE possibly come around and given you half of what you wanted (extremely unlikely). Consider this a victory that you didn't waste more time trying to change this guy. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Violetstar Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 On 8/11/2020 at 4:05 AM, babybrowns said: I met a guy recently and we hit it off. Long distance. He did tell me from the start that the next 4 months are going to be very busy for him due to applying for a new job and buying his first house etc, so he wants to keep things casual. We spent last weekend together, which was the second time we ever met. We discovered that we have a lot of the same interests. Went hiking, made music together in his recording studio, introduced each other to our fav songs and movies. We also slept together for the first time, which was unplanned, I wasn’t going to stay over initially. It’s a first for me to do this when someone has specifically stated they want something casual. But we had such a great time that day that it was a nice way to finish it off. The morning after, he wanted me to stay longer. He made me a lovely breakfast, introduced me to this documentary about something he’s passionate about and we played some video games. But I was wary of getting too attached to someone who just wants to keep things casual, after the sex I was feeling it a bit that morning so I thought it best to hit the road and go home. He texted me afterwards to say he would like me to stay again and that it would be nice to have a “longer weekend” next time where we could get another movie and more stuff in. I said it would be fun and he responded “great, you’re more than welcome, just make sure I’m free!”. The truth is that, I am someone who is not built for casual. I didn’t think I would get attached to this guy, I’m now in my early 30s and felt I could handle sex without strings attached. But I did get quite attached over the weekend. I don’t think he did; he seems to have withdrawn a little and doesn’t seem all that bothered about when exactly we are next meeting up, but is still open to doing it again soon. So I am wondering, whether I should cut this person off, since there is risk of getting attached and hurt. Or due to the good times we had, whether I should see this guy again and see whether anything comes out of it? Many thanks for your advice Yes, I am not the only woman in the universe not built for this! I have not found ONE girl personally who can have a consistent FWB without getting attached. I've met guys who CLAIM their current or past FWB are, "totally chill with the situation and love it" which I don't entirely believe. Women are emotional creatures and we emotionally imprint through sex which is both physical and emotional for us and after the 3rd time, when we become comfortable, that's when feelings start to mix up. It sounds like you may have already started to "emotionally imprint" after one session. Especially since you've spent A WEEKEND with him AND bonded with him through interests and hobbies, that sounds like a romantic weekend away than a casual fling. You're not built for this, most of us gals aren't, and if you find your heart leaping at texts he sends or wondering what he's thinking, it's already starting to happen. Unfortunately, I've tried FWB many times over the last 4 years thinking I, too could now handle it as I'm, "much more emotionally mature and secure of myself," and each time I wound up angrier at myself and resenting the guys I allowed into my life. My advice is cut your losses now before you become much more emotionally attached. If you want to try it again (as I have before) do it and do an emotional body scan to measure out how you feel about him and the situation. If you find yourself even more attached, cut him right then and there. Don't even pursue a possible heartbreak, not unless he tells you directly he wants something more. OR, you can do what I've heard girls doing which is that they have multiple flings to prevent themselves from getting attached but I don't think that's really good for anyone, physically or emotionally. Good luck! 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, babybrowns said: It was this that made me feel quite withdrawn in his company when I was there, since I never got a genuine apology for it. I would have thought he’d at least have offered to pay for a drink for me as the smallest gesture to ‘make it up to me’. When he didn’t, it made me even more quiet and he kept commenting on my quietness in the car when we were driving back to his place for the night, I just said I’m “tired after a long week at work and long journey”. All the more reason to let this guy go. You still came even after he was a jerk, so you sent him the message that you tacitly tolerate that. He didn't care about making anything up to you, didn't care he was rude. He's not trying to make anything right with you, because he doesn't want this to go anywhere. He's not a catch. You can do a lot better than this. I understand that the ego takes a kicking when we feel rejected, but this is not the man you should attach any expectations to. Stop and reflect on what you are trying to prove to yourself by hoping a person who disrespected you will like you. Where does that strong need to win his approval come from? It can't be that he's just so amazing that you need him around - you barely know the guy. Has dating been a little rough lately, or have you been feeling lonely? (again, genuine questions) There is something inside you driving your need to want to make this work despite all the red flags. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Violetstar Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 On 8/22/2020 at 12:36 PM, babybrowns said: Hello everyone, Thank you to you again for your replies, sorry I’ve not been on here for a few days. I went to visit this man again recently, which was my 3rd visit to him. In the days preceding my visit to him, I was suffering from a lot of internal conflict. As to why I was travelling 150 miles for the 3rd time to go and see a guy who said that he just wanted something casual, putting my time and effort into something which was probably just a quick fix for the one receiving it. I voiced my thoughts and feelings to him a few days before the trip, which unfortunately led to lots of arguing before the trip. In the midst of all this arguing he said that this was not the “drama-free fun” that he was looking for. He got quite mad and even a bit verbally abusive towards me, even saying I was talking a bit like how his ex used to. But he said that he still wanted me to come over and just “forget everything else over a bottle of red wine”, that we could be platonic if I wanted, he likes my company so was still looking forward to it. My decision was to keep the trip and see what happens. So I went up to see him, and kept a distance, remaining completely platonic as to not get anymore attached than I ought to. I slept in the spare room. He was a little disappointed after the fun we had last time that I wouldn’t even “snuggle with him in bed for just a little bit”, but he respected my wishes. We hung out as friends, and again he wouldn't spend a single dime on me, not even for a single beer or coffee during my trip. I didn’t complain about this, but naturally found it a bit inconsiderate when I’d come all the way to see him. Everything together was making me feel quite sad and withdrawn during the trip, he did comment on my quietness once or twice but I didn’t really tell him what was wrong. I didn’t want to feel sad, I wanted to give him a good time like last time but I just couldn’t, knowing for sure this time that all this was nothing but something casual for him. He also told me something which I found quite upsetting. He said that he was ‘always up for seeing where things would lead with us’, but that after all the arguing the last few days about where we stood and all, it made him feel pressured and that we are not right for each other anymore. I then asked him why he didn’t tell me this before I took the trip, he said he “wouldn’t have minded either way whether I’d cancelled the trip or not, he liked my company so why not”. In a way I feel that part of this not working out is my fault for raising the ‘where’s this going’ thing with him too soon. I really did not want to do this but I just wanted to know that I wasn’t recurrently travelling 150 miles for something that was a no-go from the outset. It was all going really well before I raised my concerns and then all the back and forth arguing for 3 days about where this was heading ruined it I also wonder if choosing to go 100% platonic this time contributed to the awkwardness between us/ less fun for him. He texted me after my trip though to say he really enjoyed my company and that I’m welcome to stay in his house whenever I’m in his neck of the woods again. Even though part of me wants to cut him off, part of me does want to try again in a few weeks/months time to see if anything can happen. If it was the premature arguing about the ‘what are we’ that was the major dealbreaker for him, surely all can’t be lost? WOW! I wrote my previous response based on your INITIAL post. And, then I saw this and I was amazed. I literally wrote, "After the 3rd session that's when things start to get mixed up." So, the 2nd or 3rd time session seems to be a pretty reliable marker for girls to emotionally imprint. Keep that in mind, girl. Again, not your fault. Most of us girls are not built for this and generally the 3rd session, sometimes earlier, is when the girl emotionally imprints and bonds to the man. You attached pretty quickly to him. I've done the SAME EXACT THING as you with one of my first FWB situations. We'd hung out for 2 full weekends and I sort of argued with him through text before our 3rd meetup too. I told him I was starting to have feelings for him and because he didn't want anything deeper, I was worried I would get too attached and didn't want my feelings hurt. He was pretty cold towards me and had also said something like, "I wanted fun and casual, that's what you agreed to, I don't want anything more than that." By our 3rd time, he was acting pretty cold and aloof towards me too. So, I never spoke up about my feelings ever again. DO NOT PURSUE THIS MAN! I've been through the same shizz for a long time, they generally don't change their minds, and unfortunately you spoke up way too soon about your feelings which is a huge turn off for the man who wants something casual. In their very one-sided mind, they will now think of you as, "That one crazy chick" just because you became emotionally attached after sex. Which is absolutely unfair. Believe me, I've tried to continue friendships and flings with them, it doesn't work. Their perception of you is already tainted with negativity and they've formed unfair judgements already. And, it won't change. I suggest, go on a dating app, flirt a little bit, and get this man off of your mind ASAP. Keep us posted! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 24 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: All the more reason to let this guy go. You still came even after he was a jerk, so you sent him the message that you tacitly tolerate that. He didn't care about making anything up to you, didn't care he was rude. He's not trying to make anything right with you, because he doesn't want this to go anywhere. He's not a catch. You can do a lot better than this. I understand that the ego takes a kicking when we feel rejected, but this is not the man you should attach any expectations to. Stop and reflect on what you are trying to prove to yourself by hoping a person who disrespected you will like you. Where does that strong need to win his approval come from? It can't be that he's just so amazing that you need him around - you barely know the guy. Has dating been a little rough lately, or have you been feeling lonely? (again, genuine questions) There is something inside you driving your need to want to make this work despite all the red flags. I really appreciate this post. You are right in that there is something; I was recently heartbroken by someone. I met this guy shortly after that, and the high level of attraction I felt for him which I never quite felt for the last guy made me forget all about him for a while. That great weekend which was our second meeting, made me feel awesome. Him too since he wanted to do it again soon and fixed a weekend with me. And I just feel I’ve ruined everything, as he said himself. I have this urge to make things right because I get so quickly attached to people and keep thinking of those good times we had, but as I say, the part of me that wants to never speak to him again is still in the lead at this point. Edited August 23, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, Violetstar said: WOW! I wrote my previous response based on your INITIAL post. And, then I saw this and I was amazed. I literally wrote, "After the 3rd session that's when things start to get mixed up." So, the 2nd or 3rd time session seems to be a pretty reliable marker for girls to emotionally imprint. Keep that in mind, girl. Again, not your fault. Most of us girls are not built for this and generally the 3rd session, sometimes earlier, is when the girl emotionally imprints and bonds to the man. You attached pretty quickly to him. I've done the SAME EXACT THING as you with one of my first FWB situations. We'd hung out for 2 full weekends and I sort of argued with him through text before our 3rd meetup too. I told him I was starting to have feelings for him and because he didn't want anything deeper, I was worried I would get too attached and didn't want my feelings hurt. He was pretty cold towards me and had also said something like, "I wanted fun and casual, that's what you agreed to, I don't want anything more than that." By our 3rd time, he was acting pretty cold and aloof towards me too. So, I never spoke up about my feelings ever again. DO NOT PURSUE THIS MAN! I've been through the same shizz for a long time, they generally don't change their minds, and unfortunately you spoke up way too soon about your feelings which is a huge turn off for the man who wants something casual. In their very one-sided mind, they will now think of you as, "That one crazy chick" just because you became emotionally attached after sex. Which is absolutely unfair. Believe me, I've tried to continue friendships and flings with them, it doesn't work. Their perception of you is already tainted with negativity and they've formed unfair judgements already. And, it won't change. I suggest, go on a dating app, flirt a little bit, and get this man off of your mind ASAP. Keep us posted! Wow it sounds almost identical. Thank you for sharing this experience. The only thing here is that, rather than tell him I already have feelings which I don’t, I told him I am “scared of catching feelings if we were to continue the physical because that’s what happens to girls”. I didn’t sleep with him and he seemed to get so mad and aggressive and set out to punish me the next day. This was all despite him saying he was “fine with platonic” before I came up when I warned him it might have to be like that, sleeping separately if I did keep the trip. I had actually said the same before the first time I stayed at his house, but that was when sparks of passion flew and i felt comfortable crossing the line. He was most probably expecting the same thing to happen this time, he hadn’t even made the bed in the spare room, but I just couldn’t get close to him after what he had put me through before my trip with all the abuse, tacitly tolerating all of it. I really did not know what was going on this time when he just became an aggressive monster with me during my stay. Edited August 23, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 5 minutes ago, babybrowns said: really did not know what was going on this time when he just became an aggressive monster with me during my stay. It’s probably a blessing in disguise that you’ve now seen this side of him, in that you won’t get any more attached before discovering he’s got a mean streak. Remember this whenever you start beating yourself up. He’s not Mr. Wonderful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 23, 2020 Author Share Posted August 23, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: It’s probably a blessing in disguise that you’ve now seen this side of him, in that you won’t get any more attached before discovering he’s got a mean streak. Remember this whenever you start beating yourself up. He’s not Mr. Wonderful. Thank you and it is for this reason that I don’t regret not staying in a hotel like I was really considering before I went- I exposed myself fully to his ugly side. He kept asking me to not get a hotel but to stay with him, and the thought of us doing all that fun stuff again like the music/ opportunity to emotionally bond made me take him up on his offer all the more. I just didn’t realise how much he was expecting I’d just sleep with him yet again and then get so angry when this didn’t happen, not having an ounce of interest in doing the other fun stuff we did last time. Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 I kind of cringe at myself for going here, but I’m going to ask anyway.... what was your upbringing like? Your relationships with your parents? This kind of screams mommy and/or daddy issues to me. (And this isn’t a put down, because I see a lot of myself when I was younger in how you are describing things and things you have done.) This guy is an a**h***. He doesn’t value you. Even if he ever does value you, he is still an a**h***. Don’t waste your precious time or brain space on him. I mean, seriously...disregarding the fact that he said he only wanted casual, you traveled 150 miles to see him and he didn’t even offer to buy you a drink. a**h*** behavior. You are bending over backward for crumbs from somebody who probably doesn’t even deserve to lick your shoe. Please move on. Nothing good is going to come of this. Put this behind you. And if the mommy and/or daddy issue resonates with you at all, seriously consider seeing a good therapist. They could probably help you a lot. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Violetstar Posted August 23, 2020 Share Posted August 23, 2020 58 minutes ago, babybrowns said: Wow it sounds almost identical. Thank you for sharing this experience. The only thing here is that, rather than tell him I already have feelings which I don’t, I told him I am “scared of catching feelings if we were to continue the physical because that’s what happens to girls”. I didn’t sleep with him and he seemed to get so mad and aggressive and set out to punish me the next day. This was all despite him saying he was “fine with platonic” before I came up when I warned him it might have to be like that, sleeping separately if I did keep the trip. I had actually said the same before the first time I stayed at his house, but that was when sparks of passion flew and i felt comfortable crossing the line. He was most probably expecting the same thing to happen this time, he hadn’t even made the bed in the spare room, but I just couldn’t get close to him after what he had put me through before my trip with all the abuse, tacitly tolerating all of it. I really did not know what was going on this time when he just became an aggressive monster with me during my stay. Oh okay! I went back to read your other posts to get a stronger understanding of what happened. If you two didn't have sex the last time you went over, he was probably sexually frustrated, feeling you weren't "holding up your end of the deal" in the initial agreed upon relationship. He probably thought you would change your mind about "being platonic" when you arrived. It seems like both of you felt you weren't getting what you wanted which made you feel hurt and vulnerable and him frustrated. He was in it for the sex from the beginning, hence the point of a casual, friends with benefits situation, and that doesn't really change. Although I have heard of guys eventually getting into a relationship with their FWB (my brother actually married his fling just last month!), it's rare and it takes a long time for them to realize they want to be with that person exclusively, if it happens at all. I would say not to see or talk to this man anymore. It's just wasting time and money and emotions. If you two really connected, he may still try to contact you and try to start things up again, but it won't be for more than that and that emotional and physical real estate can be appreciated by someone who will do much more for you than this one ever will. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Veronica73 said: This guy is an a**h***. He doesn’t value you. Even if he ever does value you, he is still an a**h***. Don’t waste your precious time or brain space on him. I mean, seriously...disregarding the fact that he said he only wanted casual, you traveled 150 miles to see him and he didn’t even offer to buy you a drink. a**h*** behavior. You are bending over backward for crumbs from somebody who probably doesn’t even deserve to lick your shoe. Please move on. Nothing good is going to come of this. Put this behind you. Interesting angle about the early life thing but nope, just the opposite. I come from a very loving, close-knit family that this kind of treatment I faced from this man was something I have never experienced and frankly I didn’t think I’d ever meet and hang out with someone capable of treating another person like this within my own walks of life. Heck he was even happy to let me starve at his house overnight, I virtually wasn’t allowed to even take a biscuit from the jar. It was very different the last time I went to his house when he did treat me well, albeit not paying for anything that weekend either. It really does beat me why he wouldn’t even buy me a drink the evening after my long trip if he did hope to have me warm up to him by the time we got home. 7 hours ago, Violetstar said: Oh okay! I went back to read your other posts to get a stronger understanding of what happened. If you two didn't have sex the last time you went over, he was probably sexually frustrated, feeling you weren't "holding up your end of the deal" in the initial agreed upon relationship. He probably thought you would change your mind about "being platonic" when you arrived. It seems like both of you felt you weren't getting what you wanted which made you feel hurt and vulnerable and him frustrated. He was in it for the sex from the beginning, hence the point of a casual, friends with benefits situation, and that doesn't really change. Thanks, but I had made it clear to him before the trip that I can either do ‘friends’ or dating someone who was open to the possibility of things going somewhere, not friends with benefits. I said to him before the trip that if that’s what he’s after, why not just get someone local for it. He responded that it’s “not nearly as fun to do it with someone random. He’d prefer to do it with someone he gets on really well with and has a good friendship with like me”. I still said I don’t do FWB and he assured me that it’s fine, we could just be platonic, I can stay in his house again it’ll be cool. But it definitely seems like he was expecting other things. The weekend was not nice for either of us. Last time it was fun and happy. Call me crazy, but part of me does feel whether it’s worth trying again on his non-platonic terms and seeing if it can get back to that what we had last time, with all the fun inside and outside the bedroom and him asking me to stay longer, wanting to see me again soon. He enjoyed that weekend and so did I. That’s why I’m just thinking of letting the dust settle on all this for the while and then perhaps reaching out to him a month or so later. But at present I am far too repulsed by the experience I have had and perhaps I won’t have this lingering wish by then. I just get way too attached too soon to guys whom I had a genuinely good time with before. Edited August 24, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Call me crazy, but part of me does feel whether it’s worth trying again on his non-platonic terms and seeing if it can get back to that what we had last time, with all the fun inside and outside the bedroom and him asking me to stay longer, wanting to see me again soon. After how poorly he treated you last time, it is crazy. Edited August 24, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: Interesting angle about the early life thing but nope, just the opposite. I come from a very loving, close-knit family that this kind of treatment I faced from this man was something I have never experienced and frankly I didn’t think I’d ever meet and hang out with someone capable of treating another person like this within my own walks of life. Heck he was even happy to let me starve at his house overnight, I virtually wasn’t allowed to even take a biscuit from the jar. It was very different the last time I went to his house when he did treat me well, albeit not paying for anything that weekend either. It really does beat me why he wouldn’t even buy me a drink the evening after my long trip if he did hope to have me warm up to him by the time we got home. Thanks, but I had made it clear to him before the trip that I can either do ‘friends’ or dating someone who was open to the possibility of things going somewhere, not friends with benefits. I said to him before the trip that if that’s what he’s after, why not just get someone local for it. He responded that it’s “not nearly as fun to do it with someone random. He’d prefer to do it with someone he gets on really well with and has a good friendship with like me”. I still said I don’t do FWB and he assured me that it’s fine, we could just be platonic, I can stay in his house again it’ll be cool. But it definitely seems like he was expecting other things. The weekend was not nice for either of us. Last time it was fun and happy. Call me crazy, but part of me does feel whether it’s worth trying again on his non-platonic terms and seeing if it can get back to that what we had last time, with all the fun inside and outside the bedroom and him asking me to stay longer, wanting to see me again soon. He enjoyed that weekend and so did I. That’s why I’m just thinking of letting the dust settle on all this for the while and then perhaps reaching out to him a month or so later. But at present I am far too repulsed by the experience I have had and perhaps I won’t have this lingering wish by then. I just get way too attached too soon to guys whom I had a genuinely good time with before. Sorry, but all that does is tell him you've changed your mind about NSA sex since he's repeatedly told and shown you what he wants and it didn't deter you one bit. Instead, you are still willing to put in the effort to travel all that distance and go to him. Leave this one behind. Even if he does sincerely change his mind about wanting something serious with you, that guilt-tripping, blaming, name-calling, berating abusive behavior is not something you'd want in a partner. So many people stuck in abusive relationships struggle to get out, don't volunteer yourself into one please. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 History repeating 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 It's sad to watch someone hunt and chase and gyrate thier minds around someone who basically doesn't give a 💩. Read "He's Just Not That Into You" . It's a better use of your time than driving 3 hours for the same "casual" situation . 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: History repeating Yes indeed. Sometimes I just wonder whether I’m too tight with my boundaries/ not willing to let things unfold over a longer time before getting spooked and asking them about where this is heading. The one time where I did just ‘see it through and hope for the best’ with someone, it did develop into a fab 3-year relationship. Because each hangout was a lot of fun for both parties involved and it grew organically into something long-term. The thing is that I have to trust that it’s a good guy to loosen my boundaries a bit, if anything shows me otherwise I don’t like to risk it. 3 hours ago, assertives said: Sorry, but all that does is tell him you've changed your mind about NSA sex since he's repeatedly told and shown you what he wants and it didn't deter you one bit. Instead, you are still willing to put in the effort to travel all that distance and go to him. Leave this one behind. Even if he does sincerely change his mind about wanting something serious with you, that guilt-tripping, blaming, name-calling, berating abusive behavior is not something you'd want in a partner. So many people stuck in abusive relationships struggle to get out, don't volunteer yourself into one please. This is why most of me is not tempted to go back to it and try FWB to see how things go. The nice and hospitable treatment I got from him the last time before this when I was staying with him and sleeping with him, was what helped me to grow fond of him. He was constantly checking if I’m ok, whether I’m feeling too hot/cold, whether I’m sleepy or happy to stay up, everything. The morning after we slept together that time, I asked him if I could go downstairs and make myself a coffee, he wouldn’t let me lift a finger and brought me a lovely coffee himself in bed. If this was who he really was, I would definitely consider it more strongly. It was just *such* a contrast this time, he didn’t care about making me feel comfortable in his home at all. He literally wouldn’t lift a finger. Unsurprisingly he DID let me go downstairs and make my own coffee and a tea for him too, I also gave him a back massage in the morning. And then all the aggression and berating came back, rather randomly. The guy also has a drinking problem so I think that makes it hard for him to control his angry moods. 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: Link to post Share on other sites
assertives Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) This contrast in behaviour is one of the exact same reasons why people in abusive relationships struggle to let go. Because when it's good, it can be very good. It's not hard to see why he would behave the way he did in the beginning and why the stark difference after. He needed to charm you into bed, so of course he's on his "best" behaviour and charming self. Otherwise, who's going to want to sleep with him? After you took sex off the table, he became comfortable being himself. His s***ty self. You literally have nothing of value to offer him that he was interested in. Which also tells you yet another note about his character. What kinda person is he to people who have nothing of value to him? Also, that feeling and thought that "you messed things up" and "led him to no longer want to perhaps date you" is also exactly how abusive people often make others feel about themselves in alot of conflicts in relationships. So throw that thought away. You said you grew up in alot of love and are surrounded by healthy relationships in your life, so you also should recognise and know that a relationship or "friendship" with this guy is going to be anything but healthy and fruitful. You really should firmly leave him behind in the past and not adopt a wait and see approach. Be completely and utterly done. Edited August 24, 2020 by assertives 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 Your view of who you are and the character you possess does not match up with your decisions or your actions. Without a realistic view of who you are and what you want this scenario will repeat. A person with an understanding of their weaknesses does not plunge into situations where they are at a disadvantage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 24, 2020 Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: The guy also has a drinking problem so I think that makes it hard for him to control his angry moods. The list of red flags just keeps getting longer, doesn't it? Babybrowns, you would very much benefit from ceasing to let the sting of rejection lead here - and really asking yourself what you find at all appealing about this situation. Only three dates in and you've got all kinds of bad behaviour and warning flags from him. You need to reflect on why you want more of this. My guess? It has little to do with wanting him, as a person, and a lot of more to do with soothing some feelings of inadequacy that this guy doesn't want you. You went forth with a third visit even after he was awful to you and came away upset that he didn't try to make it right. I dare say you felt even worse after the third visit than you did before. He doesn't respect you. And now you're still wanting to make him want you. To me that suggests that you struggle greatly with perceived rejection, no matter who it's coming from. You just can't bear the idea that he doesn't want you. You're human, so it's natural to feel slighted in these situations, but you're placing far too much weight on the opinion of some online, verbally abusive rando with a drinking problem. What is going on inside you, girl? Edited August 24, 2020 by ExpatInItaly 5 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, schlumpy said: Your view of who you are and the character you possess does not match up with your decisions or your actions. Without a realistic view of who you are and what you want this scenario will repeat. A person with an understanding of their weaknesses does not plunge into situations where they are at a disadvantage. Um..it is because I trust myself to be firm with boundaries that I didn’t give in to sex with someone that just wants casual? Because I ‘do’ know what I want and what I will do/ not do? I still kept the trip because a) He kept insisting that I come, even throughout all the arguing. Kept saying he’s looking forward to seeing me. This suggested to me that he was fond of me and that yes he might try to make things right after the abuse he gave, not that he would take my visit for granted and do it even more to my face when I am there. b) the guy had not made it ‘that’ clear to me that he was after just casual and nothing else, and after the fun we had last time I wanted to see if the friendship part could build a little more. He led me to believe that he was “completely fine with platonic, would still be as fun!” So I still went on the trip to see whether he definitely only wanted something casual, and it was through being there and seeing the effects of keeping my strong boundaries, that I got my answer. He truly didn’t see me as a person, but rather a commodity. Edited August 24, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 24, 2020 Author Share Posted August 24, 2020 3 hours ago, assertives said: This contrast in behaviour is one of the exact same reasons why people in abusive relationships struggle to let go. Because when it's good, it can be very good. It's not hard to see why he would behave the way he did in the beginning and why the stark difference after. He needed to charm you into bed, so of course he's on his "best" behaviour and charming self. Otherwise, who's going to want to sleep with him? After you took sex off the table, he became comfortable being himself. His s***ty self. You literally have nothing of value to offer him that he was interested in. Which also tells you yet another note about his character. What kinda person is he to people who have nothing of value to him? Also, that feeling and thought that "you messed things up" and "led him to no longer want to perhaps date you" is also exactly how abusive people often make others feel about themselves in alot of conflicts in relationships. So throw that thought away. You said you grew up in alot of love and are surrounded by healthy relationships in your life, so you also should recognise and know that a relationship or "friendship" with this guy is going to be anything but healthy and fruitful. You really should firmly leave him behind in the past and not adopt a wait and see approach. Be completely and utterly done. This says it all so well! Thank you. It is getting easier by the day for me to just put this behind me. I just had such a good time with this guy the last time and it’s that which I can’t 100% shake off at this stage. I’m a very trusting person and I saw such a different side to this person the last time- part of me is just yearning for that fun experience with him again. I do still feel that I have ruined things by bringing up my needs too early as he kept saying in all his berating. Sigh Link to post Share on other sites
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