babybrowns Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) I met a guy recently and we hit it off. Long distance. He did tell me from the start that the next 4 months are going to be very busy for him due to applying for a new job and buying his first house etc, so he wants to keep things casual. We spent last weekend together, which was the second time we ever met. We discovered that we have a lot of the same interests. Went hiking, made music together in his recording studio, introduced each other to our fav songs and movies. We also slept together for the first time, which was unplanned, I wasn’t going to stay over initially. It’s a first for me to do this when someone has specifically stated they want something casual. But we had such a great time that day that it was a nice way to finish it off. The morning after, he wanted me to stay longer. He made me a lovely breakfast, introduced me to this documentary about something he’s passionate about and we played some video games. But I was wary of getting too attached to someone who just wants to keep things casual, after the sex I was feeling it a bit that morning so I thought it best to hit the road and go home. He texted me afterwards to say he would like me to stay again and that it would be nice to have a “longer weekend” next time where we could get another movie and more stuff in. I said it would be fun and he responded “great, you’re more than welcome, just make sure I’m free!”. The truth is that, I am someone who is not built for casual. I didn’t think I would get attached to this guy, I’m now in my early 30s and felt I could handle sex without strings attached. But I did get quite attached over the weekend. I don’t think he did; he seems to have withdrawn a little and doesn’t seem all that bothered about when exactly we are next meeting up, but is still open to doing it again soon. So I am wondering, whether I should cut this person off, since there is risk of getting attached and hurt. Or due to the good times we had, whether I should see this guy again and see whether anything comes out of it? Many thanks for your advice Edited August 11, 2020 by babybrowns 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 That's ok. You seem to handle casual a lot better than you think. It could just mean he doesn't want any type of commitment, but is enjoying this as much as you are. Relax. Have fun. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 Well of course that's up to you. He's made it clear what he doesn't want. At the time you felt sex was a nice way to finish your weekend so there's no need regretting it now. If you think you are falling for him maybe you'd better end it. Don't expect him to change his mind. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said: Relax. Have fun. She can't "Relax. Have fun" as she is already feeling attached to some guy who has told her upfront he only wants casual and who is already withdrawing and is vague about meeting again. She is in for a whole world of hurt if she continues playing that game. 3 2 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 1 hour ago, babybrowns said: The truth is that, I am someone who is not built for casual. * * * So I am wondering, whether I should cut this person off, since there is risk of getting attached and hurt. Or due to the good times we had, whether I should see this guy again and see whether anything comes out of it? If you are not built for casual you should not attempt casual. Most people who say they only want casual mean it. All the sex in the world will not change their minds & make them committed to you. You will get in deeper & deeper while he will continue to see you as a plaything of no real moment in his life. Since you can't keep your emotions out of this, do not chase after a person who's heart you probably can't win. If you stick around in a few months he'll have a different excuse as to why he still needs casual & your heart will be even more broken. 2 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: She can't "Relax. Have fun" as she is already feeling attached to some guy who has told her upfront he only wants casual Having sex on the first meeting is casual, so they are both being casual and enjoying it. Anyone can move on if after a hookup, they decide not to pursue it because goals don't match up. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: they are both being casual and enjoying it. But she is not enjoying it, is she? She is on here wondering if she should end it forthwith... She admits she is not built for casual. If she was genuinely enjoying it, she would not be on here looking for opinions. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 11, 2020 Author Share Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) Thank you for your replies so far. It is why I am hesitant. The biggest red flag here as Elaine said, is that whereas the weekend left me feeling closer to him, it seemed to make him withdraw and I have noticed a drop in his interest levels since. I know for a fact that I didn’t make him feel pushed towards commitment in any way, as what can sometimes make a guy go quiet after sex. When I left that day and sent that thank you message to him, not mentioning a next time, he initiated that idea himself, saying it would be great for me to come and stay again but that he “gets the feeling I’d rather not.” He seemed to have picked up on my vibe of wanting to distance myself and rush off that day without me even having to say anything. I did respond that no I am interested in meeting again, that we could do another trek before the summer is up etc. He seemed excited at first with some suggestions of where we could go and was texting me a lot after I got home, asking how I am and what I’m up to etc. But since then there just seems to be a drop in his interest levels and he’s giving quite slow replies. I’ll wait it out a few more days to see what the vibe is but after that I will most probably have to say goodbye. I don’t want to get mixed up in something which is one-sided on the emotional level. Edited August 11, 2020 by babybrowns 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 4 hours ago, babybrowns said: But I did get quite attached over the weekend. I don’t think he did; he seems to have withdrawn a little He most likely refocused on his life. It feels like withdrawal to you because you invest way too much way too early with the expectation that the guy's feelings are exactly where yours are. Quote He did tell me from the start that the next 4 months are going to be very busy for him due to applying for a new job and buying his first house etc, so he wants to keep things casual. The minute he said this to you, that should have been the signpost you paid the most attention to and act accordingly. You didn't. You let sex get in the way of this when you already knew you aren't built for casual. You can't sex a man into an involvement he doesn't want to be in. Having a great time hiking and doing stuff isn't him changing his mind about wanting to keep things casual and not having time for a full blown relationship. Had he not said any of this and sprung it on you after the fact, then yeah, you'd have a really good reason to be in a fit of pique. But he was totally transparent at the start when you were supposed to put the bit into the mouth of your expectations so you could rein them in. Expectations are future resentments under construction. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 Yes, in your position, I'd end it. Of course he's gonna take the free, easy FWB situation. He might even step up his game a little to try to reel you back in if you end it. I wouldn't see him again unless he asked me on a proper date and made it clear he wanted to date instead of just hook up. This is very unlikely, though, so you should probably just move on. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mystery4u Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 Not sure how applying for a new job or buying a house makes someone so busy they can't still date you. It's just excuses. He wants to have fun with you (sex), you gave him exactly that too easy (mistake), so off course he will want to see you again and keep getting it. As for someone to build a relationship with? Not him. If you don't want casual then just don't see him again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 If you know that you're not built for casual, then don't do casual. It already sounds like you're going to have a hard time with a casual situation. It makes no sense to enter into a situation where you will get hurt and disappointed. He is being honest with you, which is good. He's letting you know he doesn't want a relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
ccas93 Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) I actually just went through almost this exact scenario the last two weeks. I ended it the extremely short thing we had, because I wasn't down to get my hopes up and get hurt. like other posters said, if you feel like you are falling for him, do not do casual. You will feel so much better ending it sooner rather than later. Edited August 11, 2020 by ccas93 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 11, 2020 Share Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, babybrowns said: The truth is that, I am someone who is not built for casual. I didn’t think I would get attached to this guy, I’m now in my early 30s and felt I could handle sex without strings attached. But I did get quite attached over the weekend. Either you are built for casual relationships, or you are not... And babybrowns, you are not. And that’s ok, I’m not either. But, having read your posting history, it’s very obvious that casual sex isn’t in your DNA. So, engaging with a man who wants a casual relationship is going to bring you endless grief - it already has, it was a weekend and you are already attached... Can I also say, not a smart move to stay the weekend with a man that you don’t know. Of course, there is the STD risk... But, it is a HUGE safety risk to go home with a man that you don’t know. Especially in the age of COVID. He is a stranger to you. Did you tell anyone where you were? Sure, it was fine this time... but, go home with the wrong man once and it will be the last decision you ever make. Please, be safe. Edited August 11, 2020 by BaileyB 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 12, 2020 Author Share Posted August 12, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, BaileyB said: Either you are built for casual relationships, or you are not... And babybrowns, you are not. And that’s ok, I’m not either. But, having read your posting history, it’s very obvious that casual sex isn’t in your DNA. So, engaging with a man who wants a casual relationship is going to bring you endless grief - it already has, it was a weekend and you are already attached... Can I also say, not a smart move to stay the weekend with a man that you don’t know. Of course, there is the STD risk... But, it is a HUGE safety risk to go home with a man that you don’t know. Especially in the age of COVID. He is a stranger to you. Did you tell anyone where you were? Sure, it was fine this time... but, go home with the wrong man once and it will be the last decision you ever make. Please, be safe. Thank you so much, Bailey and thank you to the others posters too. It really does help to have opinions! I stayed in a hotel on the first night and planned to go home the next evening after hanging out with this man. I know there’s a great risk of going home with someone you’ve only met twice and it’s not something I’d do very often. As I have been feeling like he is not all that excited about seeing me again anytime soon, I thought I’d dim things down a bit. I sent him a message saying that I understand he’s really busy with stuff right now and that if he’s not able to see me anytime in the next few weeks, I don’t want to bother him anymore. I was expecting him to agree and for us to part ways amicably, it would confirm my doubts and let me move on from it. But he replied saying I’m not bothering him, and that let’s meet soon, the first weekend that we both can make it, he wanted to fix a date to see me next. It is a bit of a dilemma because I do like him a lot and part of me feels like seeing this through a bit more to see whether it is definitely a no-go. I think I’ll see him one more time and then I’ll be able to make a more informed judgement without the “what if”- I’ve encountered guys who wanted just casual before and this case just doesn’t seem to be as ‘black and white’ as what I’ve seen before. I agree with Ruby Slippers in that it would be nice if he would take me on a proper date, it’s not the plan at the moment but I’m too scared to suggest it since I don’t want it to put him off. I’ve heard it’s the main reason that guys lose interest at the early stages, when they sense a girl is hoping for more than they’re willing to give at that moment. But I might book a hotel again this time so it doesn’t just become a FWB thing and we can see whether this can actually grow. Edited August 12, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 12, 2020 Author Share Posted August 12, 2020 (edited) I should also mention, to add to the notion that he just wants casual. First date drinks- I paid for us both. Second ‘date’ (last weekend), when we went out to grab dinner he asked if we could pay separately. And considering both times I travelled across the country to see him! This trait is definitely concurrent with someone I used to date who also wanted just casual. I admit that I do regret going home with him a bit, I’ll definitely book a hotel next time and I want to see if this time he has the courtesy to at least offer to pay for me for the first time. If he doesn’t I am definitely putting him into the ‘goodbye’ box. Edited August 12, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 12, 2020 Share Posted August 12, 2020 Strive to have fun getting to know each other. Try not to send preemptive strikes (I understand if you don't contact me , etc) or attempt relationship talks after just one date. Go with the flow if you like him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BaileyB Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 (edited) Babybrowns, the best way to know what he wants is to ask him. Just tell him that you have enjoyed his company, but YOU are looking for someone to date/a serious relationship. Goodness knows, it takes time to get to know someone so he doesn’t have to know at this very moment whether you are the woman he wants to date ... But, you would like to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship and if he’s truly looking for a casual relationship... you would prefer to know that now because your goals are incongruent. It’s not like you are looking for a commitment from the guy... but call me crazy, if you’ve had sex with the man he should at the very least be able to tell you if he truly wants casual sex or if this has the potential to grow into an actually boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And BTW, it would really make me wonder if he didn’t at least offer to pay for the first few dates. I’m a 50-50 girl in every way... but, the man should treat sometimes and for him not to even offer the first few times you meet - that really makes me think he is not serious and I definitely wouldn’t be having sex with him. (I say that because I don’t have sex with men I’m not dating). Edited August 13, 2020 by BaileyB 2 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted August 13, 2020 Share Posted August 13, 2020 After I saw "for the next 4 months" and "Long distance" that says deal breaker for me. Stop wasting your time on someone who is so "limited". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author babybrowns Posted August 18, 2020 Author Share Posted August 18, 2020 (edited) On 8/13/2020 at 2:38 AM, BaileyB said: Babybrowns, the best way to know what he wants is to ask him. Just tell him that you have enjoyed his company, but YOU are looking for someone to date/a serious relationship. Goodness knows, it takes time to get to know someone so he doesn’t have to know at this very moment whether you are the woman he wants to date ... But, you would like to meet someone who wants to be in a relationship and if he’s truly looking for a casual relationship... you would prefer to know that now because your goals are incongruent. It’s not like you are looking for a commitment from the guy... but call me crazy, if you’ve had sex with the man he should at the very least be able to tell you if he truly wants casual sex or if this has the potential to grow into an actually boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. And BTW, it would really make me wonder if he didn’t at least offer to pay for the first few dates. I’m a 50-50 girl in every way... but, the man should treat sometimes and for him not to even offer the first few times you meet - that really makes me think he is not serious and I definitely wouldn’t be having sex with him. (I say that because I don’t have sex with men I’m not dating). Thank you for this it’s very helpful. Of course time will help people get to know each other more. But the differences in our feelings becoming more apparent with interactions, I made the decision to see him again but platonically, no intimacy. I said to him that I’m just a bit wary of getting closer to someone who only wants something casual. He understood. I’m still staying at his house but in the spare bedroom that he has, I know it’s still early days but I trust him enough. Edited August 18, 2020 by babybrowns Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 Why are you staying at his place? Link to post Share on other sites
schlumpy Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 Because she likes bad boys. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: Thank you for this it’s very helpful. Of course time will help people get to know each other more. But the differences in our feelings becoming more apparent with interactions, I made the decision to see him again but platonically, no intimacy. I said to him that I’m just a bit wary of getting closer to someone who only wants something casual. He understood. I’m still staying at his house but in the spare bedroom that he has, I know it’s still early days but I trust him enough. This doesn't really make much sense. You are certainly not obligated to have sex with him again, but seeing him platonically and having a platonic sleepover? What for? You want a date, not a buddy, no? This just seems like a waste of time, yours and his. You are looking for a deeper emotional connection, he's made it clear it's going to be casual. What is the point of continuing if you feel the need the back-pedal like this so soon? That's your gut telling you that you aren't comfortable with casual. I would just kibosh the whole thing and date guys who aren't telling you from the get-go that they don't want a relationship. This is already getting too complicated. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 2 hours ago, babybrowns said: I’m still staying at his house but in the spare bedroom that he has. Are you homless? Link to post Share on other sites
Veronica73 Posted August 18, 2020 Share Posted August 18, 2020 So you are pretty much doing the opposite of what everyone suggested, lol. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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