How to emotionally detach from someone?

[Sassydiva]

I have feelings for someone and I have really been setting myself up to get hurt. I hang out with this “friend” and we have really gotten close. I mean, we sleep in the same bed..sometimes there is intimacy. From what I understood he isn’t seeing anyone. He knows how I feel about him too...we are really close friends as he calls it. We’re hanging out tonight with another couple and a female texts him. He tried to play it off like I don’t know if it was a female. I’m not stupid. Anyways, he was stepping out with her for a few to smoke weed. I was hanging with him, and since he couldn’t even mention I’m there it tells me she probably likes him to some degree. He told me that he has other friends and what I do is my business and what he does is his. I feel real stupid..I cooked us all dinner! Now I feel like I’m a dirty secret..He knows how I feel but he doesn’t care that I get hurt..I just need to detach from him. Maybe someday when I get a boyfriend we can be friends again...he doesn’t want me but yet he is also holding me back from meeting someone else. I’m sorry, but if he truly cared about me he wouldn’t be asking someone else to come meet him...even if it is innocent. 

[ShyViolet]

To detach from him, you need to stop hanging out with him, stop seeing him.  That's the only way.

[jspice]

8 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

To detach from him, you need to stop hanging out with him, stop seeing him.  That's the only way.

Agreed. You have no chance to get over him while you’re in his space. 
 

He doesn’t care that you’re feeling hurt. Take care of your feelings and don’t see him. He’s not even a good friend. 

[Sassydiva]

13 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

To detach from him, you need to stop hanging out with him, stop seeing him.  That's the only way.

I know...I feel so sick. I enjoyed spending time with him and we got close but no I’m not someone who can just date casually and not have feelings 

[Sassydiva]

6 minutes ago, jspice said:

Agreed. You have no chance to get over him while you’re in his space. 
 

He doesn’t care that you’re feeling hurt. Take care of your feelings and don’t see him. He’s not even a good friend. 

Thanks that’s what I thought...but of course I’m overreacting. No one ever knows what they have until it’s gone. If he gave a s***, I would be enough. Clearly he doesn’t..he was justifying it by rehashing stuff I did that he didn’t like..so that makes It ok? Could tell his “friend” he has company and is busy. But I’m sure as hell good enough to cook...

[Ami1uwant]

End contact with him.  End social media sharing.

 

do you two have a common group of friends.

 

only thrn hemight realize his feelings if he has them and then comes calling 

 

or

 

you assume now you will never be friends. Maybe later if he moves on you move on you could be friends.

 

 

[Datergirl]

Honestly he sounds like a bit of a douce. He knows how you feel about him, he doesn't feel the same way, but still thinks it's ok to share your bed and get intimate with you. 

The only way to detach is to stop all contact, no messaging, no looking at his social media, definitely no hanging out.

[Giovane]

1. No contact.

2. Write down everything you think and feel (as you are already doing here on LS). Do not necessarily send/give the text to him, it's for your own head.

3. Busy yourself with whatever, just don't give yourself too much time to think about him.

[Wiseman2]

A FWB arrangement will frustrate you if what you really want is a BF/ relationship.

Stop hanging out and sleeping with him.

[schlumpy]

Look up the 180. If you google "cheater 180" similar versions will show up.

The 180 is a program designed to help you detach you feelings from your SO. It's primarily aimed at married couples but there may be things in it that you can use.

Don't expect instant relief as this type of process takes months depending on how deep in the water you are.

[Sassydiva]

3 hours ago, Giovane said:

1. No contact.

2. Write down everything you think and feel (as you are already doing here on LS). Do not necessarily send/give the text to him, it's for your own head.

3. Busy yourself with whatever, just don't give yourself too much time to think about him.

Yes...it’s hard but not contacting him now. He thought I was being controlling because birthing “bad” was said on the text and he has other friends...yeah losers  from IG..lol. Anyways, it’s the principle which he was not getting, and he says I wasn’t getting it. I get it fine. I am just more emotionally mature than he is. He just wants to do what he wants and doesn’t care who gets hurt. He is empathetic when he feels like it 

[d0nnivain]

NC is your best option.   You need to stop talking to him one on one.  You absolutely have to get out of his bed & stop having sex with him. 

Since you share a friend group, you need to expand your circle to keep yourself busy. 

Try writing out all the ways he hurt you & read it over again.  Before you tell me he didn't do anything wrong start with these: 

1.  Is getting texts from other women

2.  tells you that you are aren't getting it

3.  used you for your cooking 

4.  took advantage of your feelings when he knew he didn't return them

5.  thinks you're stupid & that you didn't know the OW was contacting him 

6.  is emotionally immature 

I'm sure if you think you can come up with more.  I gleaned those from your few posts.  

You probably can't be friends with him once you get a BF.  You new BF won't want anything to do with some guy you previously had sex wth

[Wiseman2]

If you are not exclusive, get tested for STDs. It doesn't matter how immature he is or whatever social media friends he has.

What matters is doing what's best for you and your health. Stop interacting with him.

[JRabbit]

You comment that he doesn't care about you, so you know inside that he truly doesn't and is just using you for his needs. His actions show this. You know what to do.

[kendahke]

11 hours ago, Sassydiva said:

He told me that he has other friends and what I do is my business and what he does is his

As far as he's concerned, he's a free agent and not in a relationship--that's why he keep reiterating to you that you two are friends... friends with sexual benefits and no accountability is exactly what you two have.

Him not wanting to be exclusive with you doesn't make him immature, uncaring maybe, but not immature.  You just don't like him telling you where your boundary lies with him because you want more than what he wants.

11 hours ago, Sassydiva said:

.he doesn’t want me but yet he is also holding me back from meeting someone else.

Nope--you're doing this to yourself. There is nothing stopping you from going out and meeting other guys except you thinking you have something special with this guy. Get out of your own way.

You need to develop indifference and to do that, you have to stop being in contact with him, you have to end the friendship as it stands and give it the time to starve itself to death. No more answering his texts or calls, no more checking his social media, no letting your friends run to you to tell on him.  You need to take the time right now to build some really sturdy boundaries and you're going to have to stand sentry to guard them--that's no one else's heavy lift.

11 hours ago, Sassydiva said:

’m sorry, but if he truly cared about me he wouldn’t be asking someone else to come meet him..

And there is your answer: he truly doesn't care about you or your feelings. That's what you start with to gain indifference.

Edited August 11, 2020 by kendahke

[Watercolors]

2 hours ago, Sassydiva said:

Yes...it’s hard but not contacting him now. He thought I was being controlling because birthing “bad” was said on the text and he has other friends...yeah losers  from IG..lol. Anyways, it’s the principle which he was not getting, and he says I wasn’t getting it. I get it fine. I am just more emotionally mature than he is. He just wants to do what he wants and doesn’t care who gets hurt. He is empathetic when he feels like it 

But you have to end all contact and communication with him. You cannot force him to be someone he isn't. 

You will not recover emotionally from this FWB unless you cease texting, emailing, IG'ing, Facebooking him. You need to block him from your life, period. 

If you want a serious relationship, don't accept FWB situations anymore. Have some boundaries for yourself. Have some standards. Make the man earn your trust and respect. Don't just assume he'll give you those things b/c he's having sex with you. Sex, at the end of the day, is just a hormonal response with a temporary orgasmic payoff; it doesn't guarantee ANYTHING as far as relationship quality or longevity. 

[Sassydiva]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

But you have to end all contact and communication with him. You cannot force him to be someone he isn't. 

You will not recover emotionally from this FWB unless you cease texting, emailing, IG'ing, Facebooking him. You need to block him from your life, period. 

If you want a serious relationship, don't accept FWB situations anymore. Have some boundaries for yourself. Have some standards. Make the man earn your trust and respect. Don't just assume he'll give you those things b/c he's having sex with you. Sex, at the end of the day, is just a hormonal response with a temporary orgasmic payoff; it doesn't guarantee ANYTHING as far as relationship quality or longevity. 

Ugh...how do you stay strong? I always break no contact thinking maybe if I do this or that..but it never works 

[Sassydiva]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

NC is your best option.   You need to stop talking to him one on one.  You absolutely have to get out of his bed & stop having sex with him. 

Since you share a friend group, you need to expand your circle to keep yourself busy. 

Try writing out all the ways he hurt you & read it over again.  Before you tell me he didn't do anything wrong start with these: 

1.  Is getting texts from other women

2.  tells you that you are aren't getting it

3.  used you for your cooking 

4.  took advantage of your feelings when he knew he didn't return them

5.  thinks you're stupid & that you didn't know the OW was contacting him 

6.  is emotionally immature 

I'm sure if you think you can come up with more.  I gleaned those from your few posts.  

You probably can't be friends with him once you get a BF.  You new BF won't want anything to do with some guy you previously had sex wth

Oh there are plenty of things wrong with him..I haven’t actually slept with him in a while..we would fool around through..so bottom line I’m not some toy he can take off the shelf when he feels like playing. Taking off just to go smoke after 10:00 at night is really lame. The party never ends for him. At 46 years old, I don’t see him growing up-ever 

[Ruby Slippers]

35 minutes ago, Sassydiva said:

Ugh...how do you stay strong? I always break no contact thinking maybe if I do this or that..but it never works 

You have unresolved emotions and issues within yourself. You keep going back to this unavailable guy who doesn't cherish you because deep down you think that's all you deserve. This probably comes from childhood or some past trauma. 

To use a metaphor, you're like a puppy who keeps running back to a person who doesn't give you much attention because you think this is the best you can do. But the fact is there are tons of people out there who would love and adore a sweet little puppy. And it's better to run around in the wild and play with grass and sticks than to keep going back to this person who makes you feel neglected and unappreciated over and over. 

You need to completely cut him off and find other places to turn when you feel compelled to get in touch with him again. Throw yourself into the things you love. Fill up this vacuum of loneliness and insecurity with good stuff - hobbies, conversations with friends, online volunteering, exercise, cooking, whatever you can throw yourself into with gusto. If you're spiritual, get in touch with your higher power through whatever practices work for you. Meditation is easy and really helps reset your thinking, clear out the cobwebs in your mind, get you off the hamster wheel. If you get stuck, send me a message on here and I'll give you a pep talk.

Like attracts like. Only by elevating your sense of self-worth and happiness will you attract people on the same wavelength. Once you're feeling good and happy all on your own, that's when life starts getting really good.

[smackie9]

Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. If they don't, don't try and fix, repair, or hope they will change....you move on. Like you said you have wasted your time, and lost opportunity to be with someone else.

[Watercolors]

45 minutes ago, Sassydiva said:

I always break no contact thinking maybe if I do this or that..but it never works 

But it never will work with him when you break your silence and return to him. And you know it won't work. You already know this. You're not dumb. But I do think you are misguided. Somehow your inner self-worth is disconnected to your outer actions. You need to find a way to align this broken connection internally, as the poster Ruby Slippers wisely suggested. Otherwise, you will repeat this pattern until really, really, REALLY bad things happen to you at the hands of your partner. I'm talking financial, domestic, psychological, physical bad things. Do not go down that path with this man. 

To borrow from former first lady Nancy Reagan's anti-drug slogan, "JUST SAY NO" to any and all contact with this man and ALL men who throw you FWB situations with them as though they are God's gift to women everywhere. 

You need to stay single until you can figure out how to stop enmeshing yourself with emotionally unavailable, disinterested men. 

[Realitysux]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

You have unresolved emotions and issues within yourself. You keep going back to this unavailable guy who doesn't cherish you because deep down you think that's all you deserve. This probably comes from childhood or some past trauma. 

To use a metaphor, you're like a puppy who keeps running back to a person who doesn't give you much attention because you think this is the best you can do. But the fact is there are tons of people out there who would love and adore a sweet little puppy. And it's better to run around in the wild and play with grass and sticks than to keep going back to this person who makes you feel neglected and unappreciated over and over. 

You need to completely cut him off and find other places to turn when you feel compelled to get in touch with him again. Throw yourself into the things you love. Fill up this vacuum of loneliness and insecurity with good stuff - hobbies, conversations with friends, online volunteering, exercise, cooking, whatever you can throw yourself into with gusto. If you're spiritual, get in touch with your higher power through whatever practices work for you. Meditation is easy and really helps reset your thinking, clear out the cobwebs in your mind, get you off the hamster wheel. If you get stuck, send me a message on here and I'll give you a pep talk.

Like attracts like. Only by elevating your sense of self-worth and happiness will you attract people on the same wavelength. Once you're feeling good and happy all on your own, that's when life starts getting really good.

I needed to read this. It's the second time you did this for me! 

[kendahke]

18 hours ago, Sassydiva said:

.I haven’t actually slept with him in a while..we would fool around through..so bottom line I’m not some toy he can take off the shelf when he feels like playing.

Quote

I always break no contact thinking maybe if I do this or that..but it never works

I refer you to my signature line below:

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[mortensorchid]

You like this guy because you are having all the great stuff of a relationship without having a relationship, which he doesn't want.  End things with him and find something else to do with your time.  Fact.