Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: When a man really likes you and sees a future with you, he will make you his gf and not eff around like this guy. I've been you. I know countless other women who have been you. Getting all excited when the guy I wanted throws me a bone here and there. LAME. I'm afraid this isn't going to end well for you. Lukewarm guys RARELY if ever heat up. He's waiting until he meets the girl who REALLY gets him on his toes. And it will hurt a LOT when he does. Im sure you are right. I suppose that's why my best option is to leave it alone and leave the ball in his court to save my sanity. 2
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 1 minute ago, curlygirl40 said: Think about this and realize how silly that is. You've been the one doing most of the calling, you've been the aggressor, etc. If all of a sudden the tables are turned, you've backed up appropriately and you're making him put some effort in and then he gets upset because you didn't call him 4 hours after the kiss? No, that's just silly talk. Space is a good thing here. If he truly is upset because you're not calling him, he's not really interested he's just playing games. Keep on keeping on Oh I didnt mean he would be upset if I didnt call him later yesterday.. I meant if I just didnt ever call him and let him call me.. Im afraid I would just piss him off.
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: When a man really likes you and sees a future with you, he will make you his gf and not eff around like this guy. I've been you. I know countless other women who have been you. Getting all excited when the guy I wanted throws me a bone here and there. LAME. I'm afraid this isn't going to end well for you. Lukewarm guys RARELY if ever heat up. He's waiting until he meets the girl who REALLY gets him on his toes. And it will hurt a LOT when he does. This. And this is also the reason why so many of us are giving you the same advice, we have all been there and we're trying to save you from yourself. Remember to have some confidence in yourself. I hate seeing young women not have confidence like they are totally at the guy's disposal. Waiting around to see what he does. F that noise. Practice this saying 'I know what I bring to the table so I am not afraid to eat alone'. Don't sit around hoping he chooses you. 1 1
poppyfields Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 Lacey, what is going on with the first guy - the subject of your previous thread, now merged with this one? The one thing that stands out to me in that thread and this, is your anxiety, and your lack of self-control and self-discipline. You fully admit to being "obnoxious, pushy, neurotic" and acknowledging how annoying it is to guys, while at the same time continuing to entertain the idea of calling, texting, yelling at? and essentially "pushing" yourself on these guys you like. Thats a problem Lacey and will sabotage all your relationships if you don't get a handle on it. Learn self-control and self-discipline, it will do you a world of good in all your relationships, I promise you! That said, I agree with literally everything Versace has posted, everything! When a man treats you as casually as guy no 1, do not call, do not text, do not chase, do not initiate "the talk" - pull back, start doing your own thing. Give him an opportunity to think and wonder about you, why you have suddenly stopped chasing! Trust me, if he has any feelings for you at all beyond friendship, he will be wondering. And that wondering can increase attraction, it is part of the law of attraction - scarcity. From what I learned over the years, through experience.and taking part in a male/female support group, where many men were open and honest about discussing this, men do not respond to "talk," most men dislike talk, they dislike discussing emotions and feelings. What they respond to more is "no contact" or "less contact." THAT gets them thinking and wondering = attraction. Just read all the threads and posts on this forum and others from men who admitted to treating their girlfriends poorly or men who believed they only wanted a no strings casual sexual relationship with a particular woman. Men who suddenly.began going crazy, acknowledging feelings they did not even know were there after their girlfriends stopped contact or lessened contact or simply pulled back a bit. Don't stop contact for that reason, do it for YOU, as a test to yourself in self-control and self-discipline. Experiment with it, doing something different from your typical MO of chasing or being obnoxious and pushy, (your words), and seeing how men respond to that. You may be surprised what a difference it will make in how men respond to you and also how you feel about yourself! 2
Allupinnit Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 While I agree with you @poppyfields - I didn't have to do any of that with my H. It was easy, he just kept showing up. I didn't have to play any tricks or mind games to get him to love me. When I felt anxiety around a guy it was very simply my GUT telling me that something was off. 1
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 So, I get everyones advice, the cool it, chill out, stop being impatient... lol I am totally aware I am so bad at those things and I am working on that, so is all of these things resolved by just not calling? Im just trying to clarify my plan of action. So not calling him, at all, but be nice when he calls me, know that he probably is thinking of me, just busy, or flat out doesnt want to call, and the less we talk, the easier it should be to move on if that;s what he wants?
poppyfields Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: While I agree with you @poppyfields - I didn't have to do any of that with my H. It was easy, he just kept showing up. I didn't have to play any tricks or mind games to get him to love me. When I felt anxiety around a guy it was very simply my GUT telling me that something was off. Do what? I am not talking about playing games or employing tricks as some strategy to land a man. I'm talking about looking within and determining why she feels so compelled to go against her natural instincts and continue to chase and push herself on these men? If she can resolve that, there are no games or tricks. Being her strong independent self will be enough, men will notice and be drawn in. If not, move on to the next. Edited August 11, 2020 by poppyfields
Author LaceyMcAntire Posted August 11, 2020 Author Posted August 11, 2020 1 minute ago, poppyfields said: Do what? I am not talking about playing games or employing tricks as some strategy to land a man. I'm talking about looking within and determining why she feels so compelled to go against her natural instincts and continue to chase and push herself on these men? If she can resolve that, there are no games or tricks. Being her strong independent self will be enough and if not, move on to the next. I agree with you @poppyfields. I truly think I have underlying childhood issues of abandoment ( my father left when I was young) and I think I portray that on every man I meet, and am afraid they will abandon me as well, so I push, keep calling, just to make them remember I am here I guess. 1
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said: but it felt good and I usually *F things up by being neurotic, so hopefully, just not calling him will make him want to call me. I was afraid of him "forgetting me" over our 3 weeks away from each other, but he called me first thing in the morning, so I assume he was thinking about me. Its possible this whole time I have been the problem by being pushy, impatient and have been driving him away as @Versacehottie suggested... who knows, but I feel better about it, I feel more in control of my emotions if I DONT call him, either he will continue to make more effort, or we will fizzle out, but I dont want to be the reason we fizzle out. just to clarify, I said pushy and impatient etc because you said it on this thread (and the old one that was merged with this). Your words, though I would agree with impatient based on how you've described what is going on and that you've been chasing him. I'm so anti-anxiety (i'm sure people that post a lot know that lol). I just want to say that doing all the "neurotic" stuff you do and chasing is probably related to anxious thoughts in your head. It's usually easier for anxious people to GIVE IN to their anxious BUT UNREASONABLE thoughts--the mind is also very good, especially in anxious people to TWIST the facts or advice given or common knowledge to do what they want and still give in to the anxious thoughts anyway---like an anxious mind can JUSTIFY just about anything. It's annoying really. Imagine being on the other side of it (like the other person on receiving end of an anxious person's anxiety and impatience) Completely unattractive. And then it usually pushes the person away or the "worst" thing that the anxious person was afraid of actually happens, which puts more negative thoughts in their head and the cycle of insecurity, anxious, screw up starts all over again---with twisted logic jumping all over the place justifying whatever, whenever. We've had several of these theme threads lately lol!!! Imagine or try to just BE with the core of who you are--i think anxious thoughts are just trying to run away from that & that's why they expose a person's insecurity. Just BE you. (maybe harder at first but more likely to get you where you want/need to be). You just have to know the right person is out there for you. Like believe it in your heart & mind. It may be this guy and if so it will unfold naturally in a pace that works for both of you. If not, there's not much you can do to speed up that coming---EXCEPT get more secure, more confident, solely on your own-because it speeds up another person's attraction to you if it's ever going to be. On the contrary, pushing forward like you do and chasing, is the thing that often torpedos it; it often gives the exact opposite result of what you want. If someone told you that about any strategy, would you do it? No, it's like the worst way you can go about getting what you want. Lastly, you have to realize one reason why chasing is so bad. (different than initiating now and then though let's not get into that). It's like in advertising or any product for sale (ie that would be you in this scenario). You keep discounting and discounting yourself. Get little response, you try harder like a bad pop-up ad. He doesn't want a relationship with you so you reduce your price to FWB is fine, basically saying "i'll take whatever you will give". Slippery slope. That's why it's just better to be CONTAINED to what is right for you and what isn't & know you will find this person eventually. It's a perspective shift that should greatly help you. I don't know if it's possible with this guy you already have a strong emotional tie to & that your pattern with each other isn't "set" already, ie his opinion is already form. Those dynamics are hard to change IMO. BUT you can practice & attempt this newer strategy anyway because it's your best chance to get what you want with him as well as start to teach yourself a better way to be if you need it for your next crush, etc. Good luck Edited August 11, 2020 by Versacehottie
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 It might be a little dated for the times, but I still think John Gray's "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus' book would be a good read for you. He has one specifically for dating. In this book he talks about much of what @poppyfields was talking about. The rubberband method or something. With a rubberband, you have to pull back for it to spring back. When you pull back, it does give the man time to think and to wonder and it grows attraction in some cases. It's your only 'strategy' so to speak. If anything is going to work, this is all that will work. But having said that, I agree with @Allupinnit with her H. I went through 7 years of dating before I met my now bf of 3 years. And in those 3 years I have never gone a day without hearing from him, I've never laid in bed at night wondering if he still liked me. It was so easy! I realized early on that if this relationship didn't work out and I had to go out and date again, I would do it so differently. Because now I was shown how easy it is when someone truly likes you and wants to spend time with you. Don't get me wrong, I still waited for him to text, waited for him to call, waited for him to ask me out. I didn't chase. But I didn't have to because he was doing the heavy lifting. Sometimes you have to stop rowing and see if the boat still moves. 4
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 9 minutes ago, LaceyMcAntire said: I agree with you @poppyfields. I truly think I have underlying childhood issues of abandoment ( my father left when I was young) and I think I portray that on every man I meet, and am afraid they will abandon me as well, so I push, keep calling, just to make them remember I am here I guess. This right here is what you need to work on. And I'm so sorry you had that experience and now are living with the fallout, it totally sucks. But don't make every man you meet have to suffer the consequences. If you have to remind a man that you still exist, he's not your man. And if a man decides he's just not that into you, it's not abandonment. It's just a fact of life and unfortunately, something that will happen probably a dozen or so more times before you meet the man you'll spend your life with. Don't make the process this grueling for yourself, you must be exhausted! Find the confidence you need to know that you are worthy of the attention and worthy of a man's love. And if a man doesn't realize that, it's his loss and he's welcome to go. You have to be more comfortable being alone. There is no greater feeling than knowing that you are o.k alone and that the man who enters your life better be pretty damned special for you to bring him into your world because you were o.k by yourself. You don't need a man. You want a man. Big difference. So if you can find a way to get into that mental space, you will have the confidence to portray that to the world and men will be more attracted to you because of it. 2
poppyfields Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 19 minutes ago, curlygirl40 said: It might be a little dated for the times, but I still think John Gray's "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus' book would be a good read for you. He has one specifically for dating. In this book he talks about much of what @poppyfields was talking about. The rubberband method or something. With a rubberband, you have to pull back for it to spring back. When you pull back, it does give the man time to think and to wonder and it grows attraction in some cases. It's your only 'strategy' so to speak. If anything is going to work, this is all that will work. Oh wow, I had forgotten about John Gray, but I've read many books and articles from the Mars/Venus series too, and agree with a lot of what he discusses! It's not just for single people either, in fact his first book that discusses rubberbanding was written for married couples! For singles, the basic premise is "leave men alone." Or learn to "leave them be." Let them figure out their own hearts and minds, for some men it takes longer than others. Give him the time and space to work his way towards you. Slowly, gradually. Pushing serves no good purpose. All that will do is push him further away. I've been with my bf 3 years and I still know when to leave him alone, leave him be. I simply do my thing, and when he returns from his "cave" (John Gray's word), I'm happy and responsive and pick up where we were. Actually closer than before as he needed that time and space. My dad was the same with my mom and step mom. My mom never understood it, but my step mom did and she became the love of his life for 15 years until his death. Edited August 11, 2020 by poppyfields 1
curlygirl40 Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) 21 minutes ago, poppyfields said: Oh wow, I had forgotten about John Gray, but I've read many books and articles from the Mars/Venus series too, and agree with a lot of what he discusses! It's not just for single people either, in fact his first book that discusses rubberbanding was written for married couples! For singles, the basic premise is "leave men alone." Or learn to "leave them be." Let them figure out their own hearts and minds, for some men it takes longer than others. Give him the time and space to work his way towards you. Slowly, gradually. Pushing serves no good purpose. All that will do is push him further away. I've been with my bf 3 years and I still know when to leave him alone, leave him be. I simply do my thing, and when he returns from his "cave" (John Gray's word), I'm happy and responsive and pick up where we were. Actually closer than before as he needed that time and space. My dad was the same with my mom and step mom. My mom never understood it, but my step mom did and she became the love of his life for 15 years until his death. It's been so many years since I read it, but that's what I remember too. If a man really needs his space and instead of giving it to him, you fill that space with chatter, it can be detrimental to the relationship, so to speak. Not to be dramatic. But you get my meaning. It's 11:30 where I am, my bf and I spent the night at our own houses last night so we didn't see each other off today as we usually do most days. My bf has a crazy busy work week ahead of him and I know that's what he's focused on right now. I haven't heard from him yet today but I will. We have been together 3 years and plan to sell our houses and move in together sometime probably next year. Our relationship is as solid as they come. But I will still not text him today until he texts me, to be sure I'm not chatter when he's focused on work. It may seem silly to some, but I still let him drive the bus. Edited August 11, 2020 by curlygirl40 typo 1
poppyfields Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) no curlygirl, it's not silly at all! It's smart. Every man is different, as is every woman. So there is no set rule about this. But it sounds like you know your man very well, you understand his need for lone time/space, to focus on work or whatever. You have faith and trust in your connection and you KNOW he will be in touch when he can. That's sounds beautiful, it's what I have too with my boyfriend. Edited August 11, 2020 by poppyfields 1
Versacehottie Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 1 hour ago, LaceyMcAntire said: So, I get everyones advice, the cool it, chill out, stop being impatient... lol I am totally aware I am so bad at those things and I am working on that, so is all of these things resolved by just not calling? Im just trying to clarify my plan of action. So not calling him, at all, but be nice when he calls me, know that he probably is thinking of me, just busy, or flat out doesnt want to call, and the less we talk, the easier it should be to move on if that;s what he wants? Well you can fake it til you make it--because how you feel is not going to change overnight. So you can fake it by not calling him and pulling back a little or just mirroring what he gives you in return. At first since it's not your normal, it will really just be a tactic and not from your soul. And ultimately it will be a bit of game playing if you dont figure out how that becomes a "natural" way of BEING. Like it's totally normal to only mirror what you are getting--ie why would you give more, over-invest, keep trying to prove to someone that you are GOOD ENOUGH. The best way to SHOW that you are GOOD ENOUGH is genuinely believe and feel that in your core. You could employ this pulling back method to connect with that feeling but not rely on it if you get what i am saying--because it's only a temporary solution if you don't feel that way inside. The GOAL should be bolstering up your inner confidence and self esteem so you are not chasing after a guy, especially one that gives you mixed signals or less than you deserve. THAT is the plan IMO> 3
poppyfields Posted August 11, 2020 Posted August 11, 2020 (edited) ^^Good stuff Versace, and should help a lot of people, not just the OP. Lacey, takes awhile to get right, so be patient with yourself. xx Edited August 11, 2020 by poppyfields 1
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